Are there any circumstances which would make you stop contact with an adult child?

[Lilington]

Inspired by another thread where I mentioned that my horrible ex husband’s parents cut contact with him due to his utterly shitty conduct I’m wondering how often this happens and what people consider reasonable grounds for parents to stop contact with adult sons or daughters.

In the case of my ex husband it was serious financial abuse (as well as being an arrogant, selfish bastard who never did anything for anyone except if it suited his purposes) which actually led to legal action.

Even if they tried to kill you?

Absolutely

would indicate a horrific mental health illness

Not all murders can be attributed to mental health issues.

Well, I have adult children who I love dearly, but can truthfully say if it turned out they were like Bundy/Gacey/the West’s/Brady, Hindley etc, or were intentional rapists or paedophiles then that would be it for me. I don’t believe that makes me a bad parent.

So situation dependent really.
If they were crying out for me and genuinely wanted my help there's not a lot that I think would stop me.
If they were awful to me and treated me like shit purposely then it would be very different.

None whatsoever

I can’t imagine ever being in a no contact scenario but I can imagine needing to step back. A lovely friend went through hell with an adult son who was an addict. He lived with them for many years but as he descended into darkness, he stole from them, smashed things up and made their lives intolerable. They had to ask him to leave but even when he visited, he’d continue to steal from them. They continued loving and supporting him but it was from a distance and they had to put some very firm boundaries in place. Total nightmare for any parent.

So my son was a psychopath and tried to murder me?

again - he would still be my boy and I would visit him in prison

I think those who are saying 'nothing' have never encountered a situation, or can't imagine one, where it is necessary to step back from your own grown child. Hopefully they won't have to eat their words.

For me, it would take a lot, but I know last resort situations can exist.

And if tried to rape a baby as Ian Watkins did and had scores of horrific child porn on his computer and countless other allegations would you still visit him then?

I once asked my mum this question after hearing about a mother who was visiting her adult daughter in prison or murder.

I commented that was crazy and would my mum visit me in prison if I had committed murder?

I will never forget her reply: 'yes, I would visit you because I know that if you ever committed murder, then it would because you were not in your right mind or were acting in self defence.'

I will never, ever cut contact with my children.

Wow. That’s honestly so sickening! I hope you’re not really a mother and just writing this to be controversial

We got a dog. DM said she would never visit again unless we got rid of it and refused to talk to me.
(We do not live with her, are not financially reliant on her, she is not allergic and will visit houses where other people have dogs).

I actually thought this was an old thread of mine revived where I was asking if I was BU getting a dog

Don't be ridiculous. If somebody is in prison forever and they can't commit the crimes they're convicted of again, visiting them and loving them is one way of keeping the tiny shred of humanity they may have left in them. It's not the same as letting/helping them evade justice.

Yes.

Those who say no don't know how lucky they are.

I honestly do not understand this logic! How can you still love someone when you know they are that depraved and evil?
Unconditional love has never meant that you love someone who then shows themselves to be a depraved monster. How can be possibly teaching right and wrong if you then have no internal boundaries? Would likewise marry a rapist and support them?

Someone who rapes babies and children has no humanity left in them.

I can’t really imagine cutting ds off completely, but certainly if I was told by a psychiatric team that he was fixated on killing me, or if an addiction was making my home unsafe, I would have to I think. So never say never.

I would visit him in prison whatever he had done, but probably would t have him at home.

My thoughts exactly. I also would not contact rapists, abusers of any kind or murderers. Unforgivable.

Many sexual offences. Some violent offences. Also if they were the person who liked up the prices of HIV drugs, for example. Actually there are quite a few of these fringe examples which arent illegal and some other people might even be proud of their status to be able to do these types of things.

My ex in laws cut off my ex when he was abusive toward their grandchildren. That was their line. He was their son and they hate what he's become and tried to support him as much as possible, but after he crossed a line with his children that was it for them.

I can think of a few scenarios where a murder wouldn't even cause me to consider cutting them off.

I'm not a parent, but I've been thinking recently about this. There's a storyline on EastEnders about a 15 year old who's been strongly influenced by someone online, who was obviously based loosely on Andrew Tate. He has horrible attitudes towards women culminating in him seriously attacking his stepmother (Vicky Fowler). His dad is torn between loving his son and hating his behaviour.

Also Ian Watkins....his mum is still alive and must be similarly torn between loving him as her son and him being so reviled for his crimes that the world is delighted he's been murdered.

Awful situation to be in.