Are there any circumstances which would make you stop contact with an adult child?

[Lilington]

Inspired by another thread where I mentioned that my horrible ex husband’s parents cut contact with him due to his utterly shitty conduct I’m wondering how often this happens and what people consider reasonable grounds for parents to stop contact with adult sons or daughters.

In the case of my ex husband it was serious financial abuse (as well as being an arrogant, selfish bastard who never did anything for anyone except if it suited his purposes) which actually led to legal action.

This.

So if you have other children (and in the future, grandchildren), would you sacrifice your relationship with them to maintain this level of contact/support for another of your children who is a child sex offender, for example?

There are situations where it's inappropriate to let an adult child move back in though - especially if they have more vulnerable siblings living at home. If an adult child is involved with drugs or crime or seriously mentally unwell they can pose a danger to siblings.

In that case I agree that it's still not appropriate to completely cut contact, but they need to live in a hostel and know that parents will help them access services if necessary, and if possible be at the end of the phone vut have boundaries about hanging up if the conversation is abusive.

Those are extreme situations but do happen.

I don't know. I think often the reasons people do things are complicated and long spanning. In most circumstances I would want to try and help my child be a better person.

But having said that The Family Next Door documentary will be forever be etched in my memory. I believe he admitted what he had done to his Dad and described how his Grandchildren were feeling. I'm not sure I could move on from someone detailing the way in which they had murdered my Grandchild, especially if their reasoning was to move on with a new partner.

There is a documentary about parents whose son killed their daughter (his sister). He was completely unrepentant and had zero remorse, came across as a totally evil psychopath. The parents were so so lovely and it was totally heartbreaking how they were still visiting him in prison and showing him love, even though they were completely broken by this. They were saying how he was all they had left.

Unconditional love means you love someone with no conditions. So whatever they do you will love them. That doesn't mean you approve of anything they do. I've never understood people who say they love their husband or wife unconditionally because you shouldn't. But you can't help it with your kid I think. Equally maybe you don't love your kid unconditionally or you do but to you that includes not seeing them (but still loving them) if they've committed a terrible crime. I wouldn't judge anyone for reacting however they react emotionally when awful things happen. That doesn't mean I think people should protect their kid over everyone else though.

This!

I must say Ian Watkins is the most shocking of all family murders in my view because of the absolutely cold-blooded cool-headed way in which he killed his children. I can just about understand killing your partner in a blind fit of rage, but he didn't kill his two girls in a moment of blind madness. It was the next morning after he killed his wife. Completely cool and calculated, he drove them with their mother's corpse to that oil rig place and completely calmly murdered first one (in front of her sister), then the other girl and dumped them in the oil containers. Then calmly drove back and went about his day as if nothing happened. It was actually beyond belief.

Yes. If they were abusive to a partner, a murder, a peadophile, etc.

Absolutely. I couldn't even watch the documentary, I have just heard about it from colleagues and news clips. I found it completely traumatising. To listen to your little children beg you not to do it then just carry on with your life is hard to comprehend.

I can’t understand how you describe this as lovely!
So if your son grew up had children - your grandchildren - raped and tried to murder those children you would still love and visit him? Would you still do that even if your remaining children said they would disown you? What if one of the grandchildren survived - would you be telling them daddy didn’t mean it let’s go visit him in jail?

Honestly this is such a sick thread it’s totally put me off mumsnet. I won’t be posting again. Clearly there are some very weird individuals on here!

The day they brought trouble to my door, they'd be out. Literally thrown out of the house there and then. They'd know this well in advance and be under no illusion that this would be the case.

What's an unintentional rapist?

Murder or being a phaedophile. I just couldn't have contact after that. I would feel like I was betraying the victims.

Probably get piled on for this but I think people have lived a very easy life if they think there are absolutely zero situations where they would go no contact with an adult child.

I also think there’s a difference between no longer loving someone and being no contact with them.

Choosing to go no contact with your child would (for most people) be a result of unimaginable tragedy and I don’t think it’s something people should give their opinion on unless they’ve experienced it.

I think you may have read that wrongly.

A few years ago I'd started to consider it with my adult DC. Despite my supporting DC financially, putting a roof over their head, paying for everything including food, they constantly verbally and occasionally physically attacked me.

Spewing hate about me to friends, contacts and even when they were able to infiltrate my social media, to my colleagues. All because I had the temerity to want a life of my own.

We had a massive crisis where DC actually started smashing up the house. At which point I had to make it clear they had to move out. Threats were made (by them) about going no contact, which I accepted as something they might do.

Our relationship has been permanently damaged. They did eventually move out (I helped them move) and we are in fairly regular contact now. But I can't go back to the relationship I used to have with them. I know now their boot may come down again at some point and I'm not prepared to go through that again. It wasn't acceptable then. But I'm quite a bit older now and just couldn't take it. So if it starts again, I may well go no contact although it wouldn't be through choice. It'd be for self preservation.

Why would you get, "piled on" for this perfectly reasonable and well articulated opinion? People may hold other opinions but disagreeing with you isn't a pile on.

What if that despicable crime was against another of your children or a grandchild?
I think there are certain crimes that I couldn't still support them after, especially if there was no remorse. And definitely couldn't live with them after.

Yeah fair enough.
It just seemed that the thread was going the route of ‘if anyone would ever choose to go NC with their own child then they are despicable and cold hearted’.
I didn’t really want to be accused of being a horrible parent. 🤷‍♀️

Yes if they raped children or become a terrorist killing innocent people.

I work with many peadophiles and so many of them feel hard done by that their loved ones have stopped contact with them.

In some cases, their crimes involved their grandchildren and they still play the victim that their child doesn’t speak to them.

My DC is everything to me but as an adult you make choices and if you make the wrong choices then you should suffer the consequences.

Huh?!? What are you talking about? I was talking about a specific TV documentary. From memory it was "Life with Murder" about the case of Mason Jenkins who shot his 18-year-old sister. There was no rape, it was a completely senseless and pointless murder for seemingly no reason at all. His parents came across as absolutely lovely and it was totally heartbreaking to watch how they were still visiting him in prison despite how broken they were by this.

And I also didn’t want people to start listing all their trauma to prove how hard their life had been to disprove my point.

I honestly think there are some situations in which you can't predict how you will feel or react in advance. Hasn't happened with my kids but some things you can't rehearse for to be honest.

I would cut contact with an adult child if it was necessary to protect and keep contact with my other young children or grandchildren.

For example, I could not condone my child abandoning their own children and if it was a choice between my child or the grandchildren, I would choose the grandchildren every time.

My child wouldn't have to have done anything absolutely beyond the pale either - just being a terrible human being would be enough for me not to want to talk to them for a bit.

To give an example - Matt Hancock. Had I been related to him, I would have been quite happy to have been non-contact with him for quite a while after what he did to his wife and children during Covid. His behaviour was just dreadful on so many levels.