I have a really quiet, lonely life and I'm not sure how to change it

[raspbs]

I'm just reflecting and realising that I deserve so much better in my life, but I'm the only one who can get me there and I'm too shy/passive to do anything about it. I'm 31 and I have no friends. I've never made any friends at work as I'm too quiet and awkward. I'm a very boring person. I'm also so embarrassed at my life that I don't want to open up with colleagues and I don't have much to say to them. They're always talking about hen parties and girls trips and holidays with their partners. I have one brother, who is severely autistic and doesn't like me, and no cousins so it's not like I have siblings or cousins that I can hang around with either.

I have a week of annual leave and nothing to do. I feel so ashamed as colleagues always ask what I've got planned and each and every time it's 'nothing much'. I got a dog recently and that has helped as we go to puppy classes together once a week. It's the only thing I have going on really. I book hair appointments at the hairdressers more often then I need to as at least I can chat with the hairdresser.

I don't really know what to do or how I've got here. I've always been shy but at least I've always had friends. I lost my last friend last year. She got a boyfriend and her priorities, understandably, shifted and now she's not really interested in maintaining our friendship. I don't blame her

Rather than think about friends think about activities and hobbies- what might interest you?

then find clubs and holidays around that interest and friendships are more natural in that set up

I think you should start by thinking about how to enrich your life by doing things you value and enjoy. What kinds of things are you drawn to — the outdoors, sport, crafts, travel, learning new skills etc? Some of these will bring you into contact with new people with whom you share an interest, and will mean you are happier and are leading a fuller life.

+1000. Find hobbies.

How about looking at Meetup to see if there are any local groups? Or look for local organised dog walks or walking groups that allow dogs to come along?

Exactly as others have said, find some hobbies that get you out.
You have a dog & are doing puppy classes so that is a good place to start. Maybe a dog walking group or something next?

Church bell ringing is a technical hobby with a small social element, could be suitable?

A dog is a really good way to make friends. Find dog walking groups or create walking routines that mean you meet the same people along the way. Also try and resurrect your existing friendships. Presumably there wasn't a major falling out so get back in touch.

Agree with PPs about finding hobbies. Work on building up a rich interesting life yourself - then friends will find you.

Bless you.

Friendships do change as you reach your 30s - it's horrible.

Do you walk the dog? Just say hello to other dog walkers. Most will just say hello, odd won't reply, but it's connection of sorts. Plus you'll starting seeing some regularly and maybe the odd one will stop to chat.

And check this out to see if you have one near you; https://www.placesofwelcome.org.uk/about
(my church runs one (or did - it's not on the map today) and everyone is welcome for a cup of tea (no church talk)).

Oh I love a fresh slate OP. What interests you? What do you wish you had going on in your life? (a partner not allowed - what do you want for you and then once you’ve filled your own cup, romantic things might happen automatically if you want)? What did you love doing as a kid? What’s your budget like? Sounds like you have a lot of time to fill, fill it up with loads of diverse cool fun stuff then narrow down to a few things you want to do over and over.momentum builds itself so if you’re used to being alone and having an empty life, that will continue. If you start doing things and meeting people, it will continue and get a lot easier. But it takes a lot of effort and tenacity to start. And it’s hard.

I really don’t like getting out of my comfort zone, but once I am, it’s usually worth it! And your comfort zone (current life set up) doesn’t sound like it’s that comforting to you at the mo. You can change things! ❤️

Honestly, this was me a few years ago.
I had a partner and he was my only friend, turns out he kept my life small to make his look big.
I actually had to give a 5 minute presentation at work on something I'm passionate about, and had nothing to say except my nieces! That was a cringe moment.
I would class myself as friendly and personable, but also quite shy and I don't naturally make friends. I will quite happily do my own little thing and will be very self sufficient.
When ex and I broke up, I was fortunate enough to realise it was him holding me back. The first thing I did was travel. I don't mean taking month long trips to South America, but taking the train to the seaside for the day with the dog, exploring an area. I also booked tickets to events he would think corny, things like the theatre, cycling events, concerts and would happily go alone. I got rid of the TV and bought books instead, an old hobby of mine that feel luxurious in today's world.
Over time I found myself becoming more interesting because of my experiences, because of my hobbies, and would be able to hold my own in conversations about life, and met some really cool, interesting people.
Travel is something I'm developing, I'm well versed in solo holidays now and will be taking the plunge on going to a group skiing trip with people I've never met before.
Way out of my comfort zone, skiing and group holidays.
And actually, I've since found out, that people tend to find me quite interesting, and unusual in a good way.

My advice, do similar. Think of something you secretly envy, and just do it. Book things so you've committed financially and have to go through with it.

This is totally fabulous!

To be honest, you sound “woe is me”.
But are you actually a good friend to people and are you actually pleasant to spend time with? Being a good communicator is a skill, that it doesn’t seem like you have invested much time in developing. So it follows that you’re not attracting/retaining friends as a result. If you’re too shy or passive and embarrassed about your life and don’t want to open up, have you sought professional help to improve that?

Not only could you access therapy and counselling, there will be other things you can do like public speaking courses or getting mentors etc that will improve the way you interact with others. Cause although you see yourself as a nice/harmless person, there’s likely things with your mannerisms and communication style you do subconsciously that people aren’t receptive to.

For example I had a colleague who admits she finds it hard to develop friendships, but when me and my colleagues tried to spend time with her she would ask us personal/insensitive questions and overstep the mark, eg “how did your parent die?” to a colleague who just returned to work after a bereavement. She felt hard done by as that colleague wasn’t receptive to that, and she saw herself as a victim. But the reality was she just wasn’t great at picking up on social conventions and being a good friend towards others.

Join a gym and go to some regular classes, try an evening course or maybe a book club. Then look online at local community groups, I know we have an 18-30 group in our town and they organise lots of activities and events.

I would say I am quite boring. I enjoy reading, being at home, colouring in, crafting. I get a lot of my social metre filled online - I have social media dedicated to my crafts and have made friends I chat to daily and also meet up with across the country. Could that be something you do?

I don’t mind being ‘boring’, but it sounds like it’s something you want to change. Volunteering is a good one too.

Thank you.
I remember one night out ended up in someone's loft apartment in a trendy part of town.
Never met them before, but knew they looked familiar, just couldn't place my finger on it. Then I overhead someone say their name, and googled her. Turns out I was in the home of a well known thespian! We bonded over dogs, wine, dicks (the biological kind) and assholes (the personality kind).
2020 me would have been mind blown 😂😂

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this, OP. It’s great that you are thinking of what you can do to increase your chances of meeting kindred spirits.

It sounds like you have a lot more going for you than you realise - though it might not feel that way just now.

For example, if you can chat easily and pleasantly with your hairdresser, you’re doing a lot better than most of us! 🤣 I put off haircuts because I find the chat so halting and weird.

Get rid of the idea that you’re boring. Part of the issue at your work is that your colleagues’ chat is not very appealing to you, and you don’t have a lot in common.

Being among broadly compatible people is one of the most important factors in making friends. This current office is just not the place it’s going to happen for you by the sounds of things.

I think you’re on to a winner with the dog activities - dog people are friendly people, by and large, and there’s always something pleasant and non-controversial to talk about, and you can’t help meeting people on dog walks.

Late 20s / early 30s is a tough age, for anyone. And things do get a bit better after that, as everyone loosens up a bit, and people have survived some loss and disappointment and knocks to their confidence and aren’t so cocky or competitive.

It won’t be like this forever. I can tell by your post that you’ve got enough self-awareness and enough oomph about you to find fulfilling friendships.

I made loads of new friends when I got our dog. Doggy people in the park are the best.

What kind of dog do you have? When it's a little older you could start agility or such like and meet lots of people through a shared interest. Or start a dog walking group for local women or something like that. Safety in numbers and great socialisation for you and your dog.

I'm sorry that I don't have a sound advice, but if it makes a small difference, I really envy you and would do a lot for a life like yours.
😊

As you like dogs, is there a shelter in your area that you could volunteer at?

Join an online group/club for your dog’s breed. My friend was in a Bernese club, and they did meet ups

I know this gets thrown around a lot, but given your description of yourself and the fact that you said your brother has autism, do you think you might also? It often presents very differently in women.

Im so sorry you feel like this, but I don’t believe you are boring, I don’t think there is any such thing, just different people gel in different ways and you haven’t found your people.
The dog sounds like a great idea. Could you do a regular walk through the park or join a dog walking group. I used to dog sit a friends dog when she was on holiday and within days was chatting to the same group every time we went to the park. Could you and the dog take the train to the beach or do an overnight in a dog friendly air b&b during your week off? Could you join any hobby groups? I think the key is to stay busy, so you don’t notice feeling lonely and hopefully the friend will come later.

Do you have any community/voluntary projects going on in your area? You tend to find a lot of friendly people connected into those (things like gardening/allotment projects, music, arts, libraries, repair cafes, churches and food banks)

Are you really unhappy though with your life? Or do you think you feel unhappy with other peoples' perception of your life? It's not bad to enjoy your own company or enjoy a quiet life. I think some introverts care too much about what their life might look like to other people. You can still enjoy solitary hobbies if that makes you comfortable instead of feeling you need to surround yourself with people. Like tracing your ancestry from home or learning a language. Travel to places you've always wanted to go to and if you meet people on the way then that's good too. Now you've got a dog, if you really want to make friends, join a dog walking group.

Hi OP, firstly, have you considered that you might be autistic? It is genetic after all! I'm autistic too and was very similar in personality to you but I met my ex husband when I was eighteen, which meant that I had someone to help organise my life and my autism went under the radar a bit. But I always felt I had no interests and nothing to talk about. I had no social skills either.

I found that once I realised I was autistic (at about 40), and discovered Myers Briggs, I started to learn about autism and slowly my social skills improved. I don't know if it was simply that my brain needed extra time to develop or that the internet (particularly YouTube) helped me 'meet' more people like me. I realised it was the reason that I had only really 'clicked' with a few people over the course of my life. I stopped feeling bad about not being part of a group of women and realised that I didn't want that anyway. I do actually look quite 'girly' but my interests (psychology, bird watching, earth energies, witchcraft, Scrabble, autism, Myers Briggs) would perhaps make me stand out as weird on a girls night out!

Anyway, I'm not sure whether this is at all helpful but my self development started when I realised I had a very rare personality type which is very common amongst autistic women. It is good to travel a bit but reading on different subjects is just as good. I bet you're not a boring person at all - you just haven't had anyone tell you that you have a nice personality....which won't happen if you don't hang around with people who are on your wavelength. You need to be around people who appreciate you and bring out the spark that I'm sure you have.