I have a really quiet, lonely life and I'm not sure how to change it

[raspbs]

I'm just reflecting and realising that I deserve so much better in my life, but I'm the only one who can get me there and I'm too shy/passive to do anything about it. I'm 31 and I have no friends. I've never made any friends at work as I'm too quiet and awkward. I'm a very boring person. I'm also so embarrassed at my life that I don't want to open up with colleagues and I don't have much to say to them. They're always talking about hen parties and girls trips and holidays with their partners. I have one brother, who is severely autistic and doesn't like me, and no cousins so it's not like I have siblings or cousins that I can hang around with either.

I have a week of annual leave and nothing to do. I feel so ashamed as colleagues always ask what I've got planned and each and every time it's 'nothing much'. I got a dog recently and that has helped as we go to puppy classes together once a week. It's the only thing I have going on really. I book hair appointments at the hairdressers more often then I need to as at least I can chat with the hairdresser.

I don't really know what to do or how I've got here. I've always been shy but at least I've always had friends. I lost my last friend last year. She got a boyfriend and her priorities, understandably, shifted and now she's not really interested in maintaining our friendship. I don't blame her

A friend of mine applied at her local rugby club as a casual match day grounds person. She wasn't a rugby fan at all, knew absolutely nothing absolute it but needed extra cash. She now has a network of lovely friends she's met through the club & knows a little bit more about rugby.

The job gave her a social structure to her lonely weekends as well as an additional income. You didneed to open upto people about yourself at first but learn to ask them questions. So they talk and you listen and you can choose to add to the conversations later.

I would add that you might not find deep close friends for a long time and that's OK.
I went on a bit of a friend finding mission last year, I joined clubs etc and found that I chatted to loads of people, learnt their names etc but it was clear it wasn't going to go any deeper than that.
I decided one day thats fine, maybe in the future deeper friendships will come but for now i am happy to be friendly and chatty with people.
I'm very happy to do things by myself and if I do go with other people I don't find it any better or more fun than if I was to go alone.

What does an average weekend off work look like Op?

What do you like doing or interested in. It’s probably not too late to sign up to do a course this year, evening class, or something and would give you somewhere to and chat to people.

You can manage a job and a dog and a chat at the hairdressers so you must be a competent person and friendly enough. I agree with others that you need to find some hobbies and friendships will come ... slowly but surely. All these activities are good ways of meeting people:
golf, tennis, pickle ball, choirs, book groups, outdoor swimming groups, running groups, political groups, volunteering. Have a look on meet up and join a few new things.

If you like singing you could join a choir. Join one with a social secretary. Honestly since I joined a choir I have never had so many events to go to, meals theatre trips etc.

Many churches have drop-ins for everyone which don’t involve religion. Ours has a bacon butties one morning, two or three coffee afternoons or evenings a week plus social events and games nights/quizes where most of those coming aren’t from the church but just local people. They are all free as well. One of my friends got involved in a walking group - she’d never walked before and would never think of herself as a walker but she loved it so much she ended up leading a group. There are things out there but it’s sometimes just a case of scouting around to see what’s on. A local free paper or Facebook could have suggestions in your local area. Good luck x

You’re me. I’m 37, zero friends.

Definitely join a dog walking group. If there isnt one in your area, start one. Dogs are great for bringing people together

Never had any
or lost touch?

having friends in thirties / forties and upwards takes time, effort and investment.

But so very worth it. My two oldest friends are precious gems to me.

The fact that you have a dog is wonderful news - both for you and for your social life!

It will be hard not to meet people with whom you have something in common by virtue of taking your dog out. Watch what happens when you strike up a conversation at obedience classes or down at the local park. I have seen my elderly mum gain a close-knit set of friends from getting her first dog.

Something for you to ponder. What is it you feel you are missing? Is there anything inherently wrong with your quiet life - and what sort of company is it that you seek? The lack of friendships at work is down to a mismatch of interests; it's not personal. But it could be useful to dive into what sort of company you want to fill your time with. From dog lovers to quiet types or gregarious folk who can bring you out of your shell - if that's what you want, of course.

I gained new friendships in my 30s through sport. When I moved to a new city, something clicked that I would need to keep showing up and going the extra mile if I wanted this group of people to become friends rather than casual acquaintances. That's exactly what I did. Not in a try-hard way, but in the sense that I'd sign up to things, be warm and interested in people, and go with the intention of enjoying the fitness benefits if nothing else. The combination of being united by the same activity plus team spirit did wonders. You might find this to be true for whatever activity you put your mind to.

People like listeners. When talking to your colleagues show interest, listen to them.
There must be something you like: history, art, crafts, sports, nature, music, literature. Choose one or two and do a course, dedicate yourself to it. Go to museums, talks, subscribe to newsletters. This will enrich your life.

New friends won't come to your door. You have to get out there.

We moved to a new town a year ago. I had an ex colleague in the same town, and two friends in the next town, so not quite totally isolated, but I wanted to make more friends. I'm older than you, nearly 60, so my tastes won't be the same as yours, but I've joined a Women's Shed, a local social group who arranged between us pub quizzes, meals out, cafe meets etc, and a Rock Choir. I don't find it easy to make new friends but at least I'm out and about and know a few faces round town.

What about volunteering? You're a dog owner, maybe something like an animal rescue or charity shop for dogs/pets and you could bring the dog?

Could you take a second job in a pub or something where you are getting paid but also meeting new people ?

Totally agree with this. Hobbies, volunteer opportunities and special interests is how you’ll make friends. I’m sure your dog will help especially if you can meet other dog owners who are willing to help each other out in terms of minding

Loads of good ideas here OP.

But - do you actually want your life to change or do you just think you ought to want it to change?

Plenty of people live happy, solitary, lives. Not having to consider anyone but themselves. Not having to do anything for anyone else unless they choose to do so. Being able to indulge in their own hobbies, at times that they choose. Being able to choose to eat the same meal every day for a week, or to experiment with new flavours at every meal. All those freedoms.

Our local theatre had a club for people attending on their own (NOT a singles club) where they could meet beforehand to eat together and then they were seated in the same area. It was a chance to get together with a group of people who were all interested in the theatre and the same kind of performances, without any expectations. I have to say I don't know if it is still going, but it may be worth looking around for that kind of thing if you like going out and doing things but don't actually have anyone to go with or want to have anyone to go with, but feel a bit awkward going on your own.

I was going to say go on a solo holiday cruise but if you have a new dog, you probably don’t want to leave it. So google tells me you can do a solo holiday with a dog. www.lowermarshfarm.com/dog-friendly-holidays-singles-tamar-valley-cornwall-devon-border/

Try finding something to do with your dog, I presume he's young, but you could do agilty in the future in group classes. Or even just a fun general obedience class.

How about joining a W I ? I’ve made lots of friends through joining one.

I'm curious what personality type it is, can you share it? I know of Myers Briggs.

OP, my one piece of advice is - do it anyway. Don't wait until you find someone to do it with - at this age people are going down their own pathways. Want to do X but have no one to do it with? Do it anyway. Find a way. ❤️

Also - don't be embarrassed to tell your work colleagues you're just going to enjoy a week to yourself to recharge your batteries or whatever you like. Some people choose to go on retreat (doesn't have to be religious) to do that. You can do it at home.

Well behaved dogs are most definitely an icebreaker in a neighbourhood or dog friendly park.
Some people will smile and nod and keep on going, others will just keep on going, while there are always more outgoing friendly types who will get chatting about their dogs.

If you find you're making hair appointments just for a bit of chat then I think regular dog walking will produce a little more regular social interaction.
It's also social interaction for your dog, which is important too.

Once you become comfortable chatting with people who have a common interest you might feel more confident looking nto something that you yourself would enjoy ,along with others with similar interests.

You've had such a lot of good advice on this post OP, which has been overwhelmingly positive and doable.
I hope you take away from it many suggestions that appeal to you.
You are not boring, you just have to find your niche. ♥️

Chat to people while walking your dog. I'm chronically ill & very introverted and yet I've made many connections while out with my dog as people recognise us. Ask people questions about their dogs. It's a great way to build connections and possibly make friends.

OP you are definitely not alone, there are so many young people who are going through this. The internet and pandemic have changed the course of friendships, many people don't want to open up their circle either, so it can be really hard to penetrate friendship groups, if that makes sense.

Don't focus on doing things in the hope of finding friends, instead find things they you love to do. Look out for clubs/societies you'd enjoy where it could give you a bit of social 'opening', but don't be afraid to do things on your own and really enjoy them. A train journey to a new city, going to the cinema to see something you really like, try the new coffee shop on your high street.

Loads of people aren't into hen do's/girls weekends away, it doesn't mean you are missing something. Don't waste any time thinking you are boring/have nothing to do, get out into the world and enjoy it 🌎 And it's also fine if you prefer staying at home and having quiet nights in!

OP what do you enjoy?

Parkrun? Even if you’re not a big runner you can walk it. It’s quite sociable as well as good for you. Gym classes or any classes really.