I have a really quiet, lonely life and I'm not sure how to change it

[raspbs]

I'm just reflecting and realising that I deserve so much better in my life, but I'm the only one who can get me there and I'm too shy/passive to do anything about it. I'm 31 and I have no friends. I've never made any friends at work as I'm too quiet and awkward. I'm a very boring person. I'm also so embarrassed at my life that I don't want to open up with colleagues and I don't have much to say to them. They're always talking about hen parties and girls trips and holidays with their partners. I have one brother, who is severely autistic and doesn't like me, and no cousins so it's not like I have siblings or cousins that I can hang around with either.

I have a week of annual leave and nothing to do. I feel so ashamed as colleagues always ask what I've got planned and each and every time it's 'nothing much'. I got a dog recently and that has helped as we go to puppy classes together once a week. It's the only thing I have going on really. I book hair appointments at the hairdressers more often then I need to as at least I can chat with the hairdresser.

I don't really know what to do or how I've got here. I've always been shy but at least I've always had friends. I lost my last friend last year. She got a boyfriend and her priorities, understandably, shifted and now she's not really interested in maintaining our friendship. I don't blame her

This is wise advice. Friendships will follow when you share activities with like-minded people.

What sort of puppy do you have? Could you enjoy more activities with him/her? Showing (if pedigree), agility, obedience etc. Dog people are very friendly!

That really wasn't necessary. You should have scrolled on by.

You're definitely not the only one OP! But you can get out of this without getting out of your comfort zone too much. I have found volunteering great for this. For example, I have been a race marshal, a "cheerer" for CRUK at the London Marathon, a litter picker-upper. I just googled things like "volunteering opportunities near me" and things like that and found a few things I like doing. I am not saying you'll make life long friends form all of them, but it's something rewarding and interesting to do, and you will make some friends. Getting a dog was also a great move! Pupply class sounds lovely :) Good luck!

Also meant to say, the older I get the less I feel the need for close friendships. Majority of people I know now are nice to know, but dong want to spend more than a few hours with. The thought of going away for a weekend with a friend would definitely end the friendship for me. As cringey as it sounds I've invested a lot in people over the years and now I feel comfortable with who I am, I want to invest in myself.

Sounds lovely going on a train for the day out with your dog 🐶 🐕 🩷🙂

I very much agree with the poster who said it’s about skill development. Practising your new skills in social situations will be helpful but it’s best to get them first!

i think people do such a disservice recommending hobbies or volunteering - you can’t just rock up at these spaces without any “friend making” skills and expect people to do it around you/ for you.

Many, many people who go to these things are their for their own satisfaction, not to make a shy person their friend.

i think you need to start researching skills on:
small talk
Introducing yourself
how to follow up a social situation with someone you like to get longer term
contact (getting numbers etc)
If you want to, making a plan to become more social at work.

I would look at books or ted talks, you tube etc to help with this 😀

There are companies that organise holidays for solo travellers, some mixed some women only. That might be a good place to start? When you are walking your dog look for places where other dog walkers go, often a group will congregate at a similar time and place. They're usually easy to join in because most dogs are quite friendly. You won't immediately make a best friend but it's good practice just chatting to people - what is your dog's name, how old are they, what breed etc.

OP this was me, for years. I got a weekend job, which helped me to make friends, I joined a gym and did the classes which got me out and my life improved. I also used to use a lot of daring apps to talk to people and went on dates. I’m now married with kids. The only person who can change your life is you OP, you’ve got this.

There is a difference between totally alone and big girls nights out. I have been out with DH and another couple. Myself and the woman are good friends, usually it’s just myself and her. I much prefer one to ones.

I can do weekends away but again just as a couple friendship.

I can highly recommend dog agility. You’ll never be stuck for something to do again once you start competing and the people are generally great!

Awww, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's quite common and I've seen lots of posts on MN along these lines.

I'd suggest you join two or three things in your area. Maybe sign up for an evening class and join one or two local groups. Hard to advise exactly what, because I don't know what your hobbies and interests are. It will give you more things to talk about. Also, most groups have a night out or social activity from time to time, even if it's just dinner or drinks at Christmas.

However, if you're an introvert, you might find this level of social interaction difficult, on top of work.

Next time you've some time off, book yourself a few days away - a city break abroad or a few days by the seaside. If you don't want to travel on your own, I'm sure there are group holidays you could sign up for.

I'm not sure whether this is at all helpful but my self development started when I realised I had a very rare personality type which is very common amongst autistic women

Could you say more about this @MrFluffyDogIsMyBestFriend , please? From another late diagnosed woman.

OP - lean into the dog! Walks, training, breed-specific meetups and so on. Training as a pet therapy dog or hospital visitor? I follow a group of Newfoundland owners on Facebook and they are constantly in the water at Blackpool Beach teaching the dogs to rescue swimmers and then stopping for a mug of tea. It’s my secret fantasy life at this point.

I used to have a really busy social life always out for meals with friends etc. I stay in touch with my friends but I have really changed and no longer like going out. I am older than you are but with everything being so expensive I prefer not to do those things. Do not worry about what people at work think. Join some clubs if you want to get out.

I second this! My sister and BIL do this and as far as I can tell it's a fantastically social hobby. Try it. 😀

What interests you? Can you enrol in book clubs, running clubs and the like? I don't have many friends either. 1 friend and my sister. I'm kept busy with a partner and children though so I'm often at playgroups, appointments etc. I would love more friends as I'm very lonely in between time so I do sympathise with you.

Totally agree with this. It’s amazing the amount of people you get talking to when you have a dog. Gather your courage and start talking to other dog owners. Ask about their dog and see where the conversation goes. It will also help you gain more confidence. You can do it!

Have you thought about changing your approach?

Watch some videos on youtube on shyness. Maybe a life style coach could help you with your confidence.

I get social anxiety really bad. I try to fake it until I make it and people like to talk about themselves so ask questions and make conversations on their interests. It's great you have a new puppy to fill your life. Try finding some other hobbies to do too so you have things to talk about in work.

This approach makes it sound as if the OP has a lack of skills and if she learns them she'll suddenly have loads of friends. I don't think it's as straightforward as that, some people have perfectly adequate skills but don't find other people they really click with. The notion of "friends for life" or friends that you'd die for isn't as much as a thing now, people post internet are much more superficial, and that's fine. There isn't anything wrong with OP for not having close friends.

absolutely not. You can’t necessarily learn skills just practise time until you get better. This can take years.

but is it unrealistic for OP to continue as she is and expect to gain friends by starting a hobby? Yes it probably is

of course it’s fine not to have close friends but OP is literally posting for advice on how to change that.

In some ways I was this way (and in some I still am). But then I discovered in recent years through a series of events that I enjoy travel, comic-cons and theatre. I mean I suppose they are generic and you might say 'well those are just things people do' but they weren't for me. I got into a bad habit of enjoying my own company too much. And I suppose I still am but, I enjoy it now DOING things.

I push myself out of my comfort zone to do things I find thrilling. Like recently I got a picture with a celeb I like at an event rather than just watching him speak. My heart was beating out of my chest the whole time and I probably talked a lot of shit to him but it made me feel alive. And now every time I see the picture it makes me smile.

I had a cancer scare this year so it's boosted me even more to enjoy the time here we have because it is finite.

It's all very well taking joy in the little things but do the big things too!

But you have to find what brings you joy. What gets your heart racing.

I would maybe recommend a solo holiday. Maybe to a new city. Or, somewhere beautiful. Or you have an actor you like maybe go see them perform. Front row!

A cute boy usually shakes things up right? xD or is that just me haha.

Follow up the puppy classes with dog sports classes - agility, obedience, man trailing- I could easily do these about 4 times a week if I wanted to, there’s so much on and in the summer there are competitions at the weekends. Really easy way to make friends and there’s always something to talk about as an ice breaker as everyone loves being asked about their dogs. Absolutely brilliant for your dog, whatever the size or breed and great fun whilst keeping you both fit

Book groups and walking groups are a great way to meet people, and over time they can become good friends. Best of luck with your endeavours, you sound lovely.

I think it sounds like you have made a great first step in enriching your life my getting the dog. I don’t have much different to add other than agreeing that continuing to enrich your own life is definitely the only way forward. Pursue the things you enjoy whatever they are. If you don’t know then maybe commit to trying something new every week. Things that I or people I know have done when we had lots of free time/less people we knew in the area etc Joined a gym, used the local library regularly, joined a book club, volunteered to visit and read to a older blind gentleman, internet dating, part time work/voluntary work, running group, craft group, night school at local university, aromatherapy course, dog grooming course, pottery classes, live music events, yoga and meditation classes. The list goes on but you see my point. Even my friends who have found themselves in quite rural areas have managed to find things to do. The fact you are enjoying the puppy training classes is wonderful and that you can chat to your hairdresser/colleagues is great too (as in you can talk to people)
I found life coaching books great for helping me in times when I felt ‘stuck’ even better if you can afford a real life coach to support you through. Or keep threads going on here and we will all support you. As others have said it’s best to start with the attitude of im doing this because I enjoy it/am interested etc rather than forcing friendships (they come over time) But also sounds like you will appreciate the social interaction anyway.
Try not to feel awkward with your colleagues I remember starting a new job when I’d been through a relationship break up and moved back to a v rural area with my parents and colleagues would comment ‘oh you need to get out more etc i just ignored them- same colleagues were very envious when I then got a social life etc Just not nice people. As PP said say you are resting/walking dog etc, talk about a tv show you have binged or a book you have read. In general people are just making conversation. Finally if you would like to meet someone romantically then I think try and summon up the courage to internet date. I and so many people I know met our husbands that way. Please update us and we can support yon

@raspbs if you're in London, or anyone else on this thread is, would you like to join me for an evening of Ceilidh dancing.
I've never been before, but seen this advertised, it looks great fun!

The 24th October event I can make

https://ceilidhclub.com/

I would look at volunteering for a cause you care about. Maybe animal, or specifically dog, based. Could be a weekly commitment, or offer to help at a one off event.
With Christmas approaching, I have seen a lot of make your own wreath workshops advertised locally. Sign up for one! You probably won't make life long friends, others may be with their friends and family, but it will get you out there doing something nice and hopefully chatting to people.
Go to your local library, or supermarket, and see what is being offered on their noticeboards. I have friends who have started going to a Travel Talk type club, and a Photography club, through things they have seen advertised at Sainsbury's.
The main thing though is to try. It won't come to you! If you really don't like something, you don't have to go back but I would gently suggest that you give something three or four times before even thinking of giving up, as it will feel a bit strange at first.