I have a really quiet, lonely life and I'm not sure how to change it

[raspbs]

I'm just reflecting and realising that I deserve so much better in my life, but I'm the only one who can get me there and I'm too shy/passive to do anything about it. I'm 31 and I have no friends. I've never made any friends at work as I'm too quiet and awkward. I'm a very boring person. I'm also so embarrassed at my life that I don't want to open up with colleagues and I don't have much to say to them. They're always talking about hen parties and girls trips and holidays with their partners. I have one brother, who is severely autistic and doesn't like me, and no cousins so it's not like I have siblings or cousins that I can hang around with either.

I have a week of annual leave and nothing to do. I feel so ashamed as colleagues always ask what I've got planned and each and every time it's 'nothing much'. I got a dog recently and that has helped as we go to puppy classes together once a week. It's the only thing I have going on really. I book hair appointments at the hairdressers more often then I need to as at least I can chat with the hairdresser.

I don't really know what to do or how I've got here. I've always been shy but at least I've always had friends. I lost my last friend last year. She got a boyfriend and her priorities, understandably, shifted and now she's not really interested in maintaining our friendship. I don't blame her

Really hard to make new friends in your 30s unless you have kids or go travelling, or really put yourself into a situation where a friendship can develop.

As an easier option what about going back to previous friendships, someone or a group you were friends with at university or at school.. and try and re establish a connection and go into it with a proactive mindset.

Friendships take a long time to develop and to bloom.

Infj?

I agree with the other posters except for the one that said you sounded woe is me. You don't. Take some time working out what YOU like to do and then go and do it. Once you're actually doing the hobbies/travel/whatever, you will automatically have more interesting things to talk about to people who have similar interests.

I am neurodivergent, so,by the end of a working day I am tired, of interacting. I do have a dh and 2 friends.,I am building a friendship with another person.

A few things spring to mind. For example, having a friend & having a social life are often 2 different things. In the past I ve been involved in book club, writting group, yoga ect but never had friendships outside of them. The people came together do the activity. But if I was discussing it with outside people like colleagues it would sound like I have loads of 'friendships'.
Remember most colleagues don't care & alot of the time its just chit chat...
Decide what interests you and enjoy doing that.

Regardless of the friends issue, you can tackle the “feeling boring” aspect without even leaving home with a whole world of stuff on line. I watch theatre performances, do courses, learn a language, and have joined a book club. All on line.

Come and join us at the Literary Isolationists Book Club over on Facebook. We don’t even have set books to read. Sometimes there is a theme, but it isn’t compulsory.

It at least provides an answer to “what are you doing tonight.”

I would recommend the book a well lived life by dr Gladys mcgary. She was a gp who lived to be over 100. She has a lot of good advice on making social connections. One key thing is that you don’t have to like everything about a person to have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

Also you can get dopamine hits even from small social interactions. A quick chat with a passing dog walker, a few pleasantries with someone in a queue, just asking how your neighbour is, it all adds up, and helps you feel less isolated. These types of interactions are important. I don’t know if you are ND or struggle with small talk but having a few generic conversation starters can help.

As someone else said have you thought of joining your local WI (women's institute)?
It's not all old ladies and jam making like the stereotype. Some groups are very young or mixed ages. They meet once a month for the main meeting. But have interest groups like craft club, knitting, books, baking, gin, walking, etc etc. you can go along on your own and soon find new interests and friends.
You can go as a visitor a few times to see if you like it.
I met some great new friends through mine.

Great about getting the dog, well done. Hopefully it will bring you a lot of joy. Maybe it is the first step in doing some other things to enrich your life? You don't have to transform your life totally in one big bang. It can be a slower process, one little thing at a time. Also, don't overestimate how happy other people are. People's lives often look a lot better from the outside than they really are. Good luck!

Try to broaden your life in lots of different ways. Getting a dog was a really good start.

Think of different important aspects of life and create habits that enhance them which also put you in more social situations. So, to keep fit, you could do online yoga or DVD workouts but you'd meet no one. If you sign up for a local yoga class or bootcamp, you are integrating in the community. You may not make friends, but over a year or two if you keep going, you will become good acquaintances with other regulars. I went to fitness classes for two years before anyone invited me for coffee afterwards. But then a group of us went for coffee every week. Then another person discovered we both liked music and started giving me free tickets they got through work. And another started swapping garden cuttings and fruit and home made jam. Suddenly I had some good interactions - not amazing friendships, but more than before. It took time.

Other aspects of life you might want to develop:

Community contribution - signing up to help at a charity or local project like community gardening or visiting in an old people's home. DS made really great friends with other volunteers in a soup kitchen. They go on holiday together every year, and out for bike rides and picnics. They're just lovely people.

Spirituality - if you have faith but don't practice, you could try attending a few local services to see if somewhere feels right. If not, you could join an Alpha course or meditation class just to find out a bit more.

Personal Development - join a class to learn a new skill - languages, creative writing or art, woodwork or cookery.

Travel - if there are countries you want to visit, sign up for group travel - there are specialists for singles including ones with specific age groups. Might not be so easy with a dog, but once he is grown a bit and settled, you might find a dog-sitter.

Bucket list items - just do them, whatever they are, alone or in groups if you don't know anyone who wants to do the same. Could be anything at all that you have ever thought: wish I could do that.

joining the gym or clubs, line dancing, swimming anything that you would enjoy and you would meet like minded people. X

The fact that you have a dog is a brilliant way to broaden your circle! Mine massively changed my life. I already had a good social circle but I now have lots of other smaller ones with “new” friends, through having a dog. It doesn’t happen overnight, but gradually over the months / years I’ve made some real lasting friendships which I never would have expected.

I meet up with a local breed specific dog group who organise weekly walks - as all our dogs are the same breed they are similar in their outlook & as owners we also often have similar lifestyles / interests to each other.
Have a look in your area for any meet-ups: enclosed dog parks will often have a “golden retriever meet up” session for example.

I’ve also done classes / courses / workshops with my dog & met lots of people this way - There’s loads on offer nowadays such as obedience, scent work, search dogs, fly ball, agility, canicross.
Once you’ve done the puppy classes can you progress on to something else ?

If you can do your morning walk in a local park or similar you’ll regularly see the same dog walkers - I often used to see the same people & started to say hello, now we sometimes walk together or at least just stop for a brief chat.

There are also volunteer type roles that could include your dog, such as Pets as Therapy
dogs where you visit care homes or hospitals with your dog, or take them along to sit with kids whilst they read in school etc.

The great thing about doing any of these things is that you automatically have at least 1 thing in common with the other people there! Even if you’re super a shy, a conversation starter can be as simple as asking someone about their dogs age/sex/breed/how long they’ve had them - I guarantee you people who are doing activities like these with their dog will happily chat about their dog (and hopefully ask you about yours!!!).

This is great advice.

You’re really projecting characteristics on to the op that you don’t know she actually possesses. Your tone is judgemental and passive aggressive when she’s self aware and realises she needs to make changes and has made a start with getting a dog. Basically you’ve had contact with one introvert and decided that her lack of social skills applies to all those who struggle with personal interactions.

Op you start a thread

loads of poster give you kind, thoughtful, helpful and practical advice.

You don’t bother to even come back and acknowledge.

If you are like this in RL, I’m not surprised you are where you are in terms of having no friends.

It takes effort.

I agree with PP. People have taken time to respond and given lots of great ideas. Even a little thanks for that would be appreciated

OP is not obligated to respond and badgering them when they clearly are already struggling is really not helpful. This is all part of posting on SM, its your choice to respond, knowing full well that you might not get an update and nobody owes you one.

Now I loathe a post and run OP as much as the next MNer but good grief! This op is a shy and thoughtful person. It must have taken a lot for her to open up like this. Really brave in fact. Then she’s been hit by an avalanche of advice, some of it quite big stuff. I’m sure she’s processing and thinking. Give the woman a break.

Well, no, the OP has no obligation to respond or update, but, given that she had posted a heartfelt post about being totally friendless in her 30s, and so lonely that she makes unnecessary hair appointments to have the chance to talk to someone, it is likely that it’s something she is doing that prevents her from making and keeping friends. It is, as a few pps have said, perfectly possible that she lacks some social skills, so it’s not irrelevant that people have pointed out that, given that they’ve posted trying to help her in good faith, her lack of response, even of a scatter of ‘thank you’s, has left a bad taste.

You've got a dog plenty of people love chatting about dogs so thats a good start

I would also look for some structured volunteering. Don't tell yourself it's to "make friends"., that's a lot of pressure, but more to get out there and just meet people and have things to talk about

You could also try an evening class. Again, don't think in terms of making friends but just start by making connections.

As you build a more connected life you relax a bit and it gets easier to make friends.

Or what are you interested in? Maybe find an online group for an interest and it may slowly turn into real life friendships. I am in a group on Facebook for fans of a book series I loved as a child and we are organising our first meet up

Again, that’s your choice to feel that way. It certainly doesn’t leave a bad taste for me. I hope that OP has taken comfort from the replies and I’m sure they will also help other posters that may be in the same position.

No, no “obliged” to respond

but… no one is “obliged” to do anything for a friend but if you value friends and want them in your life… it not about what you’re “obliged” to do.

and I find it telling that the op asked for help, she was given loads of kindness and not even an acknowledgement 🤷‍♀️

I don’t feel that way at all. I’m pointing out that a number of other posters saying they do feel that way may suggest basic reasons the OP struggles with relationships, which can be addressed. ‘Shy’ doesn’t necessarily translate to ‘lovely and thoughtful’ as a pp suggested. It can do, obviously, but it’s perfectly possible for shyness to coexist with bad manners or self-absorption or chronic people-pleasing which pushes potential friends away, and, more importantly, which can be easily addressed.

For me, the obvious issue that needs addressing here is more to do with the OP’s low self-esteem. If she doesn’t think she’s interesting enough or worthy of anyone’s friendship, then she can’t expect other people to see past this. That’s also remediable, with effort.

So true, there's a massive difference between being social and having friendships, with the rise of social media and posting pictures this can be very deceiving when you see people at activities and think they have loads of friends.

Sure, but it sounds as if the OP has neither friends nor a social life that involves acquaintances rather than friendships, and that either would be a step forward for her.

OP maybe research more about autism and how it presents differently in women and men just to see if that sets off any interest or recognition. Fine if it doesn’t or if it does.

Any hobby you have a mild interest in try it out no commitment see if you enjoy it. I would very much recommend also volunteering in your local community. Personally I have changed the places I volunteer over the years I used to do it more nationally than locally about women and their needs because that was my interest and it still is but these days I am more limited by having kids so I volunteer very locally and to do with education so that’s something different again. In future I would like to try something more environmental. All of it helps someone and that’s a great feeling that helps me. Win win.