I have a really quiet, lonely life and I'm not sure how to change it

[raspbs]

I'm just reflecting and realising that I deserve so much better in my life, but I'm the only one who can get me there and I'm too shy/passive to do anything about it. I'm 31 and I have no friends. I've never made any friends at work as I'm too quiet and awkward. I'm a very boring person. I'm also so embarrassed at my life that I don't want to open up with colleagues and I don't have much to say to them. They're always talking about hen parties and girls trips and holidays with their partners. I have one brother, who is severely autistic and doesn't like me, and no cousins so it's not like I have siblings or cousins that I can hang around with either.

I have a week of annual leave and nothing to do. I feel so ashamed as colleagues always ask what I've got planned and each and every time it's 'nothing much'. I got a dog recently and that has helped as we go to puppy classes together once a week. It's the only thing I have going on really. I book hair appointments at the hairdressers more often then I need to as at least I can chat with the hairdresser.

I don't really know what to do or how I've got here. I've always been shy but at least I've always had friends. I lost my last friend last year. She got a boyfriend and her priorities, understandably, shifted and now she's not really interested in maintaining our friendship. I don't blame her

What about going on an activity type holiday where lots of other people go alone. Or a holiday where you learn a skill eg cookery, language, surfing - whatever it I'd you are into most. I've done the language ones a few times and they were great. You have classes in the mornings and there are often trips, activities available in the afternoons and you go with the people in your class.

You are not boring. But if you don't open up to people then it will.be difficult for you to ever feel close to them. You need to show a little vulnerability sometimes, I know it's hard. But try to be a bit more open and honest with the people that you like at work. Talk about the fact that you don't have much family and you don't think your brother likes you etc. It's by sharing these kind of things that you get close to others. If you always keep your guard up, people might find you "boring" - but you're not really boring, you're just shutting them out.

I have thought a lot about this, OP, because I think my own dd feels like you sometimes, and i suspect she is asd. It's strange because I've always found it easy to feel close to people and I think maybe it's because I have a tendency to overshare (possibly adhd). I'm not suggesting you start oversharing, but I do think that you need to share some personal things or its difficult to bond.

I didn't expect to receive so many replies - thank you everyone. I posted this and then couldn't face looking at the replies because I felt a bit embarrassed and nervous to read what everyone was saying as I was expecting people to judge me or think me pathetic.

I'm making my way through the replies this morning and they have been really helpful. I agree that having a dog is a good way to get out there more. I've started going on a group walk once a month with some dog walkers I met through the puppy classes which has been really nice. I'm the youngest by about 20 years but I really enjoy it.

I don't have really have hobbies and I guess that's one of my main problems. I spend most of my free time watching TV or doom scrolling as a form of escape. Being present feels painful, scrolling on TikTok feels comforting and distracting. I'm not sporty at all and hate sports. I have tried the gym and pilates classes but I feel so self-conscious that it's just not enjoyable as I can never settle into it. I like the idea of a book club. We have one at work so it would be a good chance to get to know my colleagues better. I've never been a reader but it would be good to start

I think that’s a very useful self-insight, OP, that ‘being present feels painful’ so you doomscrolling and watch TV. Therapy might help you think about what is painful about it, and how to work towards being more present to yourself. Good luck!

Could I ask what personality type you are please ? I am INFP and think I may be autistic. Am also concerned my son may be too as he is struggling at the moment.

You sound really insightful and intelligent @raspbs I am sure there are people who would love to be your friend.

Book club would be a great place to start. I love a book club for inspiring me to try new books (and finish them).

I also use the Storygraph app to track my reading and set myself targets /reading challenges and get inspiration from what others are reading. If you feel like joining it I am happy to be your friend on there (pm me)!

I've made real life friends through Facebook groups and Mumsnet threads too

You've had some great replies OP. I am also a shy, awkward person and I have learned to accept that and be proud of my awkwardness! I know that's easier said than done and I am quite a bit older than you, which does make a big difference. However, for what it's worth, I don't enjoy the hen night and holiday chatter either, I much prefer the quieter, more introverted people, so don't assume you need to be like anybody else in order to make friends.

I suggest making it a project to find out what YOU like doing, and let the friendships come from that, rather than seeking friendship. The book club sounds like a great idea. And learning to be present with yourself takes practice when you are used to always scrolling. We all have our own ways to run from ourselves. I learned a lot from being in an online sober community (and made real life friends from it too) - not suggesting that you need that, but perhaps you could find something similar. There I have been able to learn how to stop avoiding my feelings and my shame. You could start with just 1 minute of mindfulness - just sitting being present with no devices - and very slowly increase the time.

I don’t have hobbies either! I think there is a particular kind of alienation that belongs to the experience of having some ND traits (social anxiety, shyness) and also not having ‘special interests’ or intensely absorbing hobbies.

Re the gym: I’m hopelessly badly coordinated, and have lowish muscle tone and hypermobile joints, and felt very self conscious going to the gym at first, but I got used to it after a while. And if you go to group classes like Bodypump, everyone is so friendly and supportive - particularly by the end when they’re all awash with endorphins. I also found it inspiring seeing women of all ages and body types lifting incredible amounts of weight - and lifting weights (even the little bitty ones I could manage) did SO much for my mood and confidence.

You’ve reminded me I need to find a gym in my new town.

I know what you mean about the compulsive scrolling to kill time.

I’m going to try a dopamine detox this week (not going well as I’m already on MN 😬) and focus on reading more fiction & long form non fiction as I always feel better and much more connected to humankind when I’m immersed in a narrative and some thoughtful writing.

Book club is a good shout. They very in seriousness so don't be afraid to try more than one if the first one isn't a good fit.

How about volunteering? Even one evening/weekend spot would get you out and meeting people and would give you plenty of talk about at work etc. Food bank /community gardening / litter picking are generally easy ways to get started. Or once your dog has finished puppy classes (and if it's well behaved), sometimes care homes like people to bring in dogs to visit the residents.

I'm really sorry you and others feel this way. I completely understand how that would come across and I'm really sorry.

To be honest, I posted this and then immediately regretted it. It felt sooo vulnerable. I saw I had notifications showing this thread had gotten replies yesterday evening and I felt too nervous to open the thread and start reading them. I felt really self-conscious and embarrassed and I was worried what kind of response and replies my post would have generated. The things I've written in my OP are things I've never really said to anyone before.

I've made my way through the posts slowly throughout the day today and reflected on them all. There is so much great advice and I'm really grateful for it all. I'm trying to work out ways to make it actionable and approachable for myself. I've been looking into solo holidays for my next bout of annual leave and looking at the local events/classes that go on in my local area to see if anything resonates. I've decided to sign me and my dog up for some obedience classes that start in November as I enjoyed the structure and routine of going to weekly puppy classes and seeing the same familiar faces.

Well done OP for doing what you’ve done so far. I think it’s important to remember that sometimes a little and often approach is better as it’s so easy to get overwhelmed with a big task at hand. Celebrate all your successes be they big or small and slowly but surely you WILL make progress.

You sound like a very nice thoughtful person, OP. You say you dont have hobbies, so you have the chance to learn something new. You say you don't like sport, but I bet there is something active you would enjoy. Hill walking, wild swimming, climbing wall, golf, conservation work, curling, fishing, archery, allotmenting. Most clubs welcome a beginner, especially a young one like you.
Good luck and no rush. You have many years to find some things you love to do.

Well done on group walk. Park runs good even to meet others. Op its hard I find friends drifted off in my 50s so have make big efforts. My daughter does sport met a good few through that. Book clubs good

Well done OP. Sounds like you have made a great start at looking into things. The obedience class sounds perfect and a holiday would be a really significant step. I completely understand why you might have taken a while to come back to the thread and feel others may have lacked a bit of empathy with this!!! Keep us updated when you can : )

Volunteering to help and support others and play an active role in your community can be really helpful. And walking groups are generally very friendly and accessible, and can take you all over the country. Don’t just say you are passive, become proactive or this short life will pass you by! You’re already taking the first step - well down!

AW OP I haven’t read the thread but couldn’t read and run. You need to work on your self esteem. Would you consider going to a life coach. Also for your weeks leave why not book onto something totally outside your comfort zone

Thanks for sharing your story, my 28yo son is similar. An only child , with one friend , but gets along with people at work just never bonding with anyone special. He finds time off work can be boring and lonely too. He has a bit of social anxiety and I do wonder if he is on the spectrum for autism. For yourself, yes try to find a small group that appeals to you, I always remind my son it takes six weeks to develop a new habit so don’t give up too soon. You aren’t alone there are many lovely people like you sitting at home wishing they could make some new connections, Be brave and invest in yourself.

I am watching this thread to read later, as I also would like to read the advice, so I am glad you posted it.

Hi OP, you've had loads of practical advice so I won't repeat it (other not sure community choir or helping backstage at am dram has been mentioned). I wil just repeat the advice I gave to my DD who has just started uni. Try not to start out with too many expectations about meeting life long friends at the activities and clubs you decide to join. See them as a social outlet, a chance to try something new or give back to your community. If you set too much store in the making friends element you will put too much pressure on the activity and yourself. The friendships bit will come but even in the friendliest of groups it can take some time.

Also I know how much it would have taken for you to post this, and to come back and read the replies so ignore the negative and do not apologise for taking some time to read and reflect before responding. I suspect you have ND traits yourself and chronic low self esteem. You have taken the first step in asking for help. I hope things change for you.

Finally, perhaps reach out to that friend. Be honest that you are lonely, tell her what you are doing to change that (puppy, walks, possible clubs) so she doesn't feel responsible for you and it would be really nice to meet for a coffee or a drink. Or to come and meet your puppy. And try to limit the scrolling, it has been linked to poor mental health so perhaps set yourself some limits if you can. My dd turned her phone to black and white to make scrolling led attractive.

good luck

Well done OP! You are taking steps and that’s all anyone can do.

I hope you do find some local groups that interest you. Also have a look at online communities. I am in an online book group with a very active SM page.

Volunteering has been suggested and that can be a great way of increasing your social connections. I give blood and the donation centre staff are absolute pros at making donors feel like heros. It’s a really good way to feel good about yourself and more confident too.

Not everyone you meet has to be a friend. Acquaintances that you see every few months to chat to also offer value in our lives.

Enjoy your next walking group and dog obedience group

I’m so glad you’ve gone for the obedience classes. I find socializing without alcohol really difficult so try to avoid a lot of social situations but all the dog stuff is a lot easier as there’s always something else to focus on and talk about. I wish you the best of luck

I totally agree with your reply. Sounds this person has zero empathy.

Well done OP for opening up. Baby steps will get you out of your misery. Big hug

Maybe volunteer at an animal rescue?

My 23 yrs old daughter is in a very similar position. I too feel she could be on the spectrum of autism. We thought that Uni helped her come out of her shell because she connected to few people and had a lovely time. Unfortunately it all went once the course was over. The only decent friend she had from secondary school is ghosting her too. So sad.

Where and how do you find a life coach?