I dont understand why anyone would want children

[Careerchangeplease]

I'll preface this by saying I can sort of semi understand why people with lots of money and time and support etc would have a more enjoyable time having kids but for the 90% of the population, I dont understand why anyone would want to have kids and give themselves

• less sleep and rest
• more work
• more stress
• less money
• more worry/anxiety
• less free time
• less relaxation/leisure time

All the stuff that comes with pregnancy and birth, pain, bleeding, prolapses etc etc Not to mention all the shit things that are happening in the world, the fact that the kids will probably never be able to buy a house, cost of living is just getting worse etc Obviously each to their own and live and let live but am I missing something?

Yeah it is. Trust me I’m not someone who does loads of cleaning and tidying and worrying and doesn’t whinge about it 😂

we do moan about it from time to time, but that’s just a few minutes out of the day really. I have some bad days, and some truly incredible days. Overall it’s worth it, and you get used to the huge lifestyle change.

It’s like anything in life, there’s good and bad. If you buy a house, it’s stressful, it’s expensive, there’s always stuff that needs to be fixed or decorated or maybe some parts of it aren’t quite right. But it’s yours and maybe you have some wonderful times in it, and in the evening you can sit on the sofa and be cosy and know it’s your space.

or like training to run a marathon, it’s bloody hard work and might give you blisters or even and injury but you can an amazing feel-good feeling from it and of course you feel healthier.

It seems like parenting is the one thing people think should be happy and amazing all the time otherwise it’s not worth doing - but like everything in life that’s just not the case.

This is in no way a dig at you - just something I’ve observed over the last few years. I used to not be sure whether or not I wanted children, I used to worry about the financial side and the stress and worry, but something changed in us at some point and we decided to take the leap.

I know this will be annoying / infuriating for anyone who is ‘child-free’ (and I appreciate you did put this on the child free board, OP, before it was moved). However I’m going to say it anyway.

Without children there’s no way of knowing what it feels like to have your own children. It’s indescribable, a bit like when you fall in love - when you know you know. It’s hard to put into words. And even valiant attempts will still never truly represent how it feels to have your own child/ren.

My daughter is my best friend. I haven’t done the traditional get married, settle down have kids stuff. Planned it that way, but it didn’t work out. I’m a single mum and yeah it’s been hard at times but the joy I get out of our relationship, the unique sense of purpose, and the chance to watch a tiny human I made grow up, massively outweighs the tough times. It’s a kind of unconditional love I’ve never experienced before, and to me that’s important. I got bored of going out for drinks and dinners with friends etc anyway. I’d much rather spend the day at a theme park with her. I wasn’t always like this, I used to never want kids, partied all the time, hugely valued my free time, but it got old. The life I have now is a million times more rewarding. I get that not everyone feels that way though

I never wanted children til that biological urge hit me in my 30’s and I can’t be thankful enough. My life is enriched on every level by my dcs.
Op everything on your list applies but I happily accept that and would never swap.

All of this!

The closest thing I’ve heard, that resonated with me was the lyrics from the Hamilton song Dear Theodosia. Particularly the last line.

‘Dear Theodosia, what to say to you?
You have my eyes, you have your mother's name
When you came into the world, you cried
And it broke my heart

I'm dedicating every day to you
Domestic life was never quite my style
When you smile, you knock me out, I fall apart
And I thought I was so smart‘

Ecology. Both the biological urge to reproduce that all species have, and as a PP said above, the social aspect of 'following the herd' and doing what the majority assumes we should, which also comes from an ecological push at population level as we are social animals.
So at population level, the urge to reproduce wins out even though at individual level, some people won't want to, for perfectly valid reasons such as those you've listed. (Obviously in some modern societies, the recent birthrate suggests that the urge to reproduce isnt always winning out now either).

Your friends probably got pretty bored with you too. Seriously, friends are important and you shouldn’t neglect them, or be reliant on them for your social life.

You're missing the fact that we don't care to know.

I don’t really understand why anyone would want to be a teacher (hard work, not nearly enough respect), climb Mount Everest, run a marathon etc etc. People just get joy from different things. Wouldn’t be without my kids, they bring me joy, and mostly it’s inexplicable.

Do you think your mum enjoyed raising you, though? I suppose to me it's never been a mystery what people enjoy about parenthood (and what's hard) because I could see that my mum loved me so much and found joy in being my mother. I could also tell that some things drove her crazy but I never doubted that I was wanted and a positive in her life.

Now my dad I think he had children for the status of being a father and didn't really enjoy it, but I suppose I didn't think my DH would be like that and luckily I was right. I appreciate it's always a risk, though.

OP asked.

Great. But OP did ask the question. So it’s answered.. 🤷‍♀️

Before I had kids, I had a great life but I was bored. Kids gave my life some purpose.

All those downsides that you mentioned make you appreciate the little things in life. Eg watching TV for 30 mins or having both hands free to eat your dinner!

You also get to relive the joys of childhood through different eyes! I love the trips to museums and theme parks, Christmas, etc

You spectacularly missed the point.

Great post for a parenting forum!! 🙄🙈

It is absolutely relentlessly exhausting but it's also absolutely wonderful. It's a feeling and a love like no other.

Tbf, the OP asked whether she was missing something and people are answering that from their perspective.

Exactly.

To be fair, I think the points attached apply a whole lot more to having a 2nd, 3rd, 4th child, at least they do for us.

I'd possibly have another child if I were a carefree millionaire.

Look into how the economy is going. Prices will continue to rise, the wealthy will keep becoming wealthier by buying all the property we can’t possibly afford anymore. It’s not stupid at all.

Isn't it the best place to ask? I mean it wouldn't make sense to ask people with no experience of it.

I think people are feeling needled that it is a criticism of our choices/ridicule of our lifestyle. But I think most of us are content with it, so why feel bothered if it is?

If it's a genuine question, I think honesty helps. Parenthood can be all of those negative things. For some of us that doesn't come close to detracting, but I'm comfortable with not denying the challenges, as others might feel differently.

The way I look at it is dc deserve to be born to informed parents.

You forgot more love! Don't get me wrong. They are hard work and when they were very small it was really tough. Mine are at a lovely age (5 & 9) because they give their love unconditionally. They frustrate me but at the same time I can't believe how lucky I am either. It's not an easy choice but I personally wouldn't change it.

I get where you are coming from OP! I never wanted children (being one of five, I mostly remember the stress), but my DH did, and around 35 I changed my mind. We now have one DD- she’s amazing, has absolutely enriched our lives, and I genuinely believe she’s made me a better person. That said, the reasons you listed above are exactly why we’ve stopped at one. They’re completely valid and can be the kind of challenges that make people really unhappy if overlooked. I know several people who’ve burnt out after having children without fully considering those issues!

The birthrate is falling, so there will be less demand for houses in the future. Even if that weren't the case, it's not possible for prices to just keep going up and up - that's not how economies work. It's worth remembering that 'the wealthy' are also human beings, so if you have a child they may become one of 'the wealthy' (for good or for bad). The idea that nobody will be able to afford a house it silly - someone has to buy houses or the whole thing just collapses!