I dont understand why anyone would want children

[Careerchangeplease]

I'll preface this by saying I can sort of semi understand why people with lots of money and time and support etc would have a more enjoyable time having kids but for the 90% of the population, I dont understand why anyone would want to have kids and give themselves

• less sleep and rest
• more work
• more stress
• less money
• more worry/anxiety
• less free time
• less relaxation/leisure time

All the stuff that comes with pregnancy and birth, pain, bleeding, prolapses etc etc Not to mention all the shit things that are happening in the world, the fact that the kids will probably never be able to buy a house, cost of living is just getting worse etc Obviously each to their own and live and let live but am I missing something?

I never wanted children, I never felt particularly maternal and at work I would recoil in horror when someone on maternity leave would bring their baby in for everyone to cuddle but in my late 20's something just clicked and I wanted my own offspring so very much. I took 6 years for me to fall pregnant and by then dh and I had been together for 15 years, we felt ready and had done a lot of living before this time.

I won't lie, I could and still would tick all of those negatives you have listed, there have been some shit times but the good most definitely outweigh the bad.

Every day when I come back home from caring for my own mother who is in the late stages of dementia I look at my children and I am glad and fortunate that I have created my own family and when my parents die I have another generation behind me, that means something to me. My dc are lovely human beings, I am so proud of them and so very glad I decided to have children.

The only major negative for me and it's a big one for me.........they grew up way too quickly. I adored their younger years, it gave me a second chance to relive my own lovely childhood. I wish I could have stayed in those years for a wee bit longer.

The innate urge to reproduce is fundamental to the survival of all species on Earth, and that includes homo sapiens.

Some people will have less of an urge than others, or will look at the pros and cons and decide not to have children. The majority of people will want children anyway, despite the perceived disadvantages to their lifestyle. Some people are not able to make that choice, due to lack of available contraception or for cultural reasons, and have to get on with it.

@Careerchangeplease Just what is it about all of that you fail to understand?

This.

When I considered whether to have children I looked at the pros and cons and decided they probably weren’t for me. I didn’t want to give up my freedoms, my sleep, my money, all the things OP points out.

And then I got to a point in life where I was desperate for children. I couldn’t give a reason why I just had a real urge to have a family of my own. I definitely didn’t get to a point where I wanted less freedom, sleep and money. Nature must have taken over.

Now I’m so glad I have them. But I still couldn’t really explain why. There’s just a real joy and sense of accomplishment in watching something you made grow up and experience everything for the first time. The reasons to have children aren’t as measurable or quantifiable as the reasons not too so its hard to explain the appeal.

@Careerchangeplease

YANBU to feel like this, but you do seem slightly annoyed that lots of posters disagree with you. (On a forum made for PARENTS, who'd have thought?!)

Also, whilst the scenarios you name in your first post may be true for some, it is not true for many. Having children brings so many rewards, and so much joy, and most women would never change a thing if they could turn back the clock. (Or men. My DH would never trade our children - for all the tea in China.)

I would never trade places with someone child free, but would never start a thread on here saying so, whilst listing all the reasons why people should have children! Child free people do love to tell people that their life is soooooooooooo much better than the lives of people with children though. 🙄

Nothing they said was rude

How telling too, that 7 out of 10 people (out of 625 so far) disagree with you @Careerchangeplease I'm sure you won't back down on your opinions though. That's all it is though... Opinions!

I’m a mum of 2 dcs, now at Uni.
I had children because it was the norm. You got married, had children. And being over 30yo to do that was wrong.

And I agree with all the downsides you pointed out.
I hugely envy people who find parenting and children fulfilling. I didn’t.

I got ill when dc2 was 2yo. Pushed myself and kept all the plates spinning, lived in complete survival mode for about 15 years until I basically collapsed.
I have no good easy memories of my dcs childhood. All I see on the photos is struggle. I can remember all the instances, all the ‘good times’ (at least from my dcs pov) and all I remember is the exhaustion, the pain and all my concentration going on physically putting one foot in front of the other.
To top it up, dc2 was diagnosed with autism.
And dh was a twat, who couldn’t get his head around tge fa t he, his hobbies, his wishes just didn’t always come first.

And still I put my dcs first (still do), pushed myself to do the things important to them. Because that’s what you do for your dcs right?
But saying it was enjoyable, fulfilling, happy times? No it was not. And I wouldn't advise my own dcs to have children themselves unless they REALLY are ready yo give up huge parts of themselves.

FijiFuji · Today 15:28 "I’m a mum of 2 dcs, now at Uni.
I had children because it was the norm. You got married, had children. And being over 30yo to do that was wrong."

What was wrong about it?

This answer explains it well.

Are you saying that as a mum of 2 dcs who agree with OP, I’m not welcome here then?

Because knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have had children.
They’re amazing people. I love them. They’ve become amazing adults.
Its still not something I would chose to do 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Everyone is different. I found life without children quite empty and meaningless. Then I had children and obviously its challenging but I have a lot more meaning and fulfillment in my life.

Before I had children I had so much time, energy and focus on myself but it felt to much, I wanted to devote myself to something meaningful and a career wasn't meaningful for me. My children give me something positive and meaningful to focus on, I will look back on my life and feel satisfied with how I spent my time. I don't think I'd die happy if I didn't have children.

Some have kids for.
Money.
Help.
Keep a man.
Get a home.
The list is endless.

It is and it isn't. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to be a mum, and there is a lot to be cherished about it by those it is right for.

But I don't think not acknowledging that people's doubts have some truth to them is helpful.

A child is, hopefully, for life. It's not like a holiday where you take a chance and give it a whirl because everyone else says they enjoyed it, but you find yourself thinking "what's to like about mosquitoes and sand up your bottom?" and suspect you'd rather go to NYC. You can't choose somewhere different next year.

Ultimately people have to make up their own mind but saying "you can't grasp it till you get here" has probably left a number of people with dc they regret, and dc with parents who regret having them. Not great.

We are not all carbon copies of each other. Yes, the reproductive urge is strong, but I think we now accept some people are not driven to heterosexual relationships. The biological norm isn't necessarily one rule for all, and some might be heterosexual but not have a high reproductive drive. Why not?

I suppose in fairness if she wonders or has doubts, she can't exactly ask her friends while their dc are picking their noses and fighting over the ipad in the background.

Very interesting. Although I’m not sure it slam dunks your assertion that single childless women are happiest. They are looking at various factors of “life satisfaction”, a major one being financial status. Of course people without kids have more money, that’s a given.

A lot of the paper talks about there being no negative comparison between parents and child free people, rather than saying they are objectively happier. It’s limitations are pretty telling too, suggesting that correlation/causation might be in play. They also note there needs to be more qualitative research in order to draw proper conclusions.

I was more talking about the age and stage of the children rather than the parents though. If you ask young couples with young children about their perceived life satisfaction, it’s maybe not going to be great. Ask them when they are older and have older teens, life is (generally) going to be much nicer!

I find the assertion that 'the kids probably will probably never be able to buy a house' properly stupid. There are billions of houses in the world - is it your belief that none of the next generation will own any of them? How is that even possible?

I always wanted children - not babies never wildly interested in other people's babies - made sure DH was fully on board.

Took us a decade to get in place to have them and we had them we had less help than expected - and less money - and they are still best thing we ever did.

Now that's not true for everyone I knew a few who regretted their one child. MIL found no joy in DH till he was basically near secondary and felt she missed out on a lot of living - which she then tried to make up- but liked him as a young adult and loved eventually being a GM - said recently it was most enjoyable part of her life watching them grow. Another I knew had worked as nanny and in early years thought she knew what motherhood was but had one and hated it.

I loved mine from the off - and they are last teens one 20 now. They've been a huge amount of hard work but the joy - some of the best memories are the most simple and when you write them out child free often sneer - becuase words don't capture the pride and fun. It sort of along lines of knowing the price of everything and value of nothing territory.

It's clearly not for everyone and our society is making it an ever harder prospect but idea no one every really wants to do it and just go along with the herd or don't think about it is just odd to me - most I know are struggling to get stable enough to actually have them - with a seperate large percentage knowing it's not for them and fair enough.

It is the most meaningful thing I have ever done though the hardest.

you don't have to understand. No one has to understand other people's choices.

And yet you did choose it, @FijiFuji. I know you said you had children because it’s ’what you do’, but it was definitely what I was supposed to do too (family and society in which all women left school early, married young and became SAHPs) and I didn’t. I knew it wouldn’t suit me.

I do agree with you OP, it's mad when you think about it. And I think the reasons people have children are mainly biological urge/a feeling of wanting children, or "because it's what you do" as some PPs have said, or accident, or because they have no choice or are under a lot of pressure (many women in societies where it's expected, marital rape is the norm and women have fewer rights and freedoms than men.)

For me I just really wanted babies, and it's only now looking back I see that was essentially purely selfish of me. I wasn't really thinking of how life might be for them, or of not adding to the world population, or of my ex's preference either (he didn't really want a second). It has been really hard, I've done almost all the work, lost out financially while ex focused on his career, and I do worry about their future and what the world is like and how they'll get on.

But the thing about having them is you adore them so I can't wish not to have done it. However, I do think being someone who just naturally doesn't want kids, and doesn't feel they missed out or feel sad if they didn't, must be the easiest life.

I posted it on the mumsnetters without children section, its been moved.

Im not annoyed with people disagreeing with me at all, I'm finding it interesting to see people's view points. It annoys me when people are rude and the comment saying if only my mum had thought the same upset me as my mum has died, so I took a bit of time out.

She probably surrounded by people telling her she'll change her mind or something.

Most people I know who were admamant kids not for them - haven't. A few vocal ones were going though infertlity - one couple later adopted and then went other way of everyone wants kids.

I found it irriating people telling me I didn't ever want kids but a career - or I didn't want them when we had them with that spacing or the number we had or we'd have more when we were done.

One eye opening thing I found as a mother with young kids the number of unasked for opinions people feel compelled to share with you about your life choices that have fuck all to do with them. I suppose in that respect kids did toughen me up to ignore other people's views else you'd get nothing done.

Personally I think it shouldn’t have been. The MWC was a perfectly appropriate place for it,