I dont understand why anyone would want children

[Careerchangeplease]

I'll preface this by saying I can sort of semi understand why people with lots of money and time and support etc would have a more enjoyable time having kids but for the 90% of the population, I dont understand why anyone would want to have kids and give themselves

• less sleep and rest
• more work
• more stress
• less money
• more worry/anxiety
• less free time
• less relaxation/leisure time

All the stuff that comes with pregnancy and birth, pain, bleeding, prolapses etc etc Not to mention all the shit things that are happening in the world, the fact that the kids will probably never be able to buy a house, cost of living is just getting worse etc Obviously each to their own and live and let live but am I missing something?

@MidnightPatrol

I had a medical crisis. I received no support and in fact they made things deliberately worse for me. No matter how hard things had been before this I'd never regretted having them. Now I do.

I am going to be controversial here I'm sure but some (not all) of the women friends I know who have had kids seem to have done it for something exciting in their lives, not a biological urge.

They had mediocre jobs they didn't really enjoy and it was something exciting and different. The announcement, the attention, the excitement of a newborn etc.

Maybe I'm wrong, it just seemed that way!

I think this is an incredibly naive way of thinking.

I didn't want children. DH did. i always thought that if my partner wanted children more than I did not want children then I would have a child.

Turns out it is the best thing ever. And both mine are in the teenage years and my oldest one has SEN which makes daily life perhaps a little more complicated than it might otherwise be.

I don't know what it is- it's a primal response, motherhood, -for me. It's hand down the most extraordinary magical thing in my life, bar none.

That said- we are solvent. And although clearly there has been a huge impact on our finances, we (currently) can still do the things we want- which for me means no longer working anything like a full time job as I have a life-limiting illness - and travel. We are so so lucky in that.

But horses for courses. Not everyone should have a child, and there is no shame in not wanting children in my view. I think society places an unreasonable expectation that everyone wants children, when it's not the case. And an unreasonable shaming of those who don't have children.

I totally understand what you are saying OP. Having a child is stressful and all the other things that you mentioned. However, the positives outweigh the negatives ( for some people ) the positives being the bond you have with your child, the fun times shared together, watching them grow up and helping the navigate the world. It can be life's best experience.

You totally missed the love and the joy and the pride out of the equation. Of course it looks stupid on paper if you take all positive emotion out of it.

I agree OP, but when asked most people don't seem to have what I would consider a rational reason. So it's presumably emotional, and I'm not an emotion driven person. My sister, for example, says "I could no more be childless than I could fly to the moon", which is obvious entirely illogical.

Though I'd say at least 50% of the people I know with kids the first one wasn't completely planned. So I'm not sure it's always a "decision" anyway.

THIS. Literally any life decision is going to have disadvantages as well as advantages and I could list a whole load of disadvantages of not having kids (or, in fact, any life choice) so this thread is pointless.

People are different and want different things. What a shocker!

It's not beautiful, it's vom-inducing 😂

Why? We do internal risk assessments every day.

I had my DC when I was young, fit and healthy. I was in a stable relationship and financially comfortable.

I get in my car every day despite knowing that I could have an accident.

I get on aeroplanes.

I drink alcohol on occasions.

Many of the decisions we take come with risk attached.

I suppose it depends on whether challenging, stretching hard work is appealing to you or not. Because parenthood is insanely fulfilling but it's not easy and it involves huge sacrifice. If you're the kind of person that doesn't mind this but you're already stretching yourself in other areas of a fulfilling life, I can see why kids wouldn't be for you. And if you're just not interested in being stretched in this way, also fair enough because if you don't have the energy for it, you're right - it can be exhausting.

Bu lots of very enjoyable things are exhausting - from sex, to running... I wouldn't let physical and mental tiredness put you off.

Your list is one-sided and only includes all the negatives. Trying for kids isn't an easy decision, but no one would have them based on the list you've presented. There are a load of positives. Here's mine:

• It's made me a better, less selfish person
• My son is my favourite person in the world to be with
• Sitting around the table eating dinner as a family is one of the biggest and simplest joys of my life
• I got to have a second childhood - I bloody LOVE farms and animal parks
• It made me more active and opened up new hobbies for me
• Now he's late teens, he gives back - cooks for us, does big outdoor jobs, decorates... It in in no way reflects everything I've done for him, but it's nice having a strong tall house elf for a bit

Life isn’t about making things as easy as possible for yourself

According to what rulebook?

I will say what my mother said when I asked her all those decades ago. It is hard work sometimes, but it is so much offset by sheer joy she has felt so many times. I knew for sure what she meant the day my daughter´s face lit up when she saw me and she ran and jumped into my arms. I wouldn´t have missed it for anything. Nothing compares to this.

I do wonder why someone like OP, who is apparently so happy with their choice to not have children, starts a thread like this.

There are loads of choices that other people make that I wouldn’t want to, I don’t waste time thinking of them and posting threads about them. I think if someone is perfectly happy with their choice and situation, they don’t start threads about the thing they’re apparently glad they’re not doing. A case of OP doth protest too much. Or they’re just trying to stir shit and cause division.

Because I think if you've never experienced the heartache of raising a child who will never be independent from you saying, "we'd deal with it" is unspeakably naive.

I completely agree with much of your thinking OP and it's precisely why I chose to only have one child. Life is sooo much easier and simpler compared to all my friends with multiple kids.

One negates many of the issues you mention ❤️🤪

Love. Joy. It's as simple, and as complex, as that.

You are right of course, anything could happen. But I live in hope.
Im sorry about your experience and hope your ok now.

Why, though?

That's not naive. It's reality. I would deal with it. I'd have no choice.

I hope that I am never in that situation and I'm truly sorry if you have been/are.

Every net contributor is someone's child.

Unless you don't interact with people at all, you are benefitting from people being born and cared for and growing up and contributing in their way to society.

Fine not to want children yourself but the existence of children means that life goes on for another generation.

I guess my point is that many people don't "deal with it" - it can ruin lives forever.

I don't want children myself but having seen families torn apart by it, it's not something I understand anyone risking - but I do appreciate I'm an outlier in that respect. I'm probably too logical sometimes!

I feel the same about dogs, OP. I mean, some of them are sweet but no idea why people would lumber themselves with a dog. You don't even have biological imperative as an excuse 😂!

I guess the answer is the same in both cases - some people just want them. And probably a fair few regret them.

I have a child and find the idea of getting a dog horrifying!

This says it all I think. All the downsides you list are very real, and have I had times where I've wondered what on earth I've done? Yes. Particularly in the early days.

But god, my child is the best thing in my life. The hardest thing, but absolutely the most wonderful. Sometimes just thinking about him makes me cry with joy. And even though I had a very exciting and professionally fulfilled life before, nothing compares to that.