I dont understand why anyone would want children

[Careerchangeplease]

I'll preface this by saying I can sort of semi understand why people with lots of money and time and support etc would have a more enjoyable time having kids but for the 90% of the population, I dont understand why anyone would want to have kids and give themselves

• less sleep and rest
• more work
• more stress
• less money
• more worry/anxiety
• less free time
• less relaxation/leisure time

All the stuff that comes with pregnancy and birth, pain, bleeding, prolapses etc etc Not to mention all the shit things that are happening in the world, the fact that the kids will probably never be able to buy a house, cost of living is just getting worse etc Obviously each to their own and live and let live but am I missing something?

For me it was a deep biological urge from about mid 20s. 19 yr old me would have said no way but 23 yr old me was broody. The fact is I knew from then on I could never be happy otherwise. I was lucky in that I was with Dh so I didn't have that worry about meeting someone.

I think as a general rule if you are writing pro and con lists then you are not likely to want children, it has to be a deeper urge. I can't say I've enjoyed parenthood, it's been a slog and I've given up so much but it's also my greatest achievement and a very significant part of my identity. I guess you could say the same about anything that's hard work, why bother training for a sport or getting a degree etc. Sometimes the sense of personal achievement can't be really articulated.

I think the difference is probably the amount that you may appreciate it. I found that life took on a whole new scale.

Because of love. Truly love. The one you give them and the one you receive from them. Because life is wonderful, the one you got and the one you have created. Because looking this shitty world through their innocent eyes make you value what is important, because of learning, of playing, of seeing them growing etc etc. I can make the list as long as a mile.
Then we grow up and we fuck it several times along our lives and became grumpy etc. etc.

Some of us aren't lucky enough to have children let alone sit there and moan about all the negatives that go with having them. I'm child free and certainly not by choice but I know a few women that have walked away from their children because they want their life back or whatever that means. Being a parent can be all the negatives listed above but it can also be very rewarding so anyone who has children, are very lucky.

I dunno really, just seems a shame in a existential kind of way for a genetic line that has survived for millennia to come to an end, especially looking at things in a greater scheme context; there are theories of genetic memories where epigenetic changes in one generation can be passed down to the next. Endings are always quite poignant to me. Purely an emotive response of mine, you may not agree and that's fine with me.

Well I think that the UKs rapidly dwindling population means that people are weighing up the pros and cons and increasingly choosing to remain childfree.

The problem, OP, is that the experience of parenthood is impossible to convey to someone who hasn’t been through it themselves. You’ll just have to take it on trust that a lot of people think it’s brilliant.

I couldn’t have children, and yes the ending of the genetic line did bother me for a bit but it doesn’t any more. Even if I had had a child the genetic line could have ended at some point in the future, and I would be none the wiser. Waste of time thinking about it IMO.

A key factor here is those who are speaking about having children are speaking from actual experience - as having being both without and with children. I doubt many will say their life has gotten worse and they wish they never had them. In contrast those who remain childless and proclaim it’s much better don’t actually have the tiniest clue. Their judgement is not based on any experience or fact just an assumption of how they predict they “may feel”- which doesn’t really compare at all to real facts.

Really? You honestly cant understand what would drive someone to want children? You've just listed a massive loads of downsides which affect different people to different extents but not considered the many joyful.things that having children brings. Yes, the lows cam be low, but the highs can also be very high.
Personally, I love having my 3 children despite the hardships that cam sometimes.bring. They truly make my life.special in a way I can't quite describe. However, I completely understand and respect that for many the.downsides would simply be too much. Could.you maybe extend your imagination to reciprocate that understanding...?

people who have had children know life before children yes, but they cannot possibly know what a whole life lived without children is like.

It really does just boil down to the fact that different life choices suit different people.

Some of my relatives and friends have chosen careers, places to live, hobbies and interests, holiday destinations…the list goes on…that I find hugely unappealing and a waste of money. They presumably feel the same way about some of my life choices.

At least nowadays women have the option of whether to have children or not, and if they do choose to have children, they can fairly reliably control how many. It must’ve been horrendous before the invention of the Pill.

Yes having children brings those things but there’s also something called love.
Nothing compares to the love you have for your own children.
It overrides everything else.

Because children are actually great? Because there's more to life than going on your 35th city break? Because anything truly deeply worthwhile & enduring entails commitment and sacrifice?

But I think I'm unusual for MN in that I actually like my kids (now teen & preteen). They're much more fun than most adults I know - talking to adults involves far too much pretending to care about boring stuff (no I don't care about your new kitchen) and now they have their own independent personalities & interests I get do all sorts of things I'd never have done otherwise. I guess any childless life I could have had seems a bit boring in comparison?

Biological imperative, innit?

I had no desire for kids, at all. Didn't like them. Didn't coo.
Hit 29, then oh my God. I needed one. I couldn't look at other babies because I wanted one. I yearned for one. I finally understand what yearning actually was.

Luckily we were financially/career secure etc, but it wouldn't have mattered at point if we weren't. I just wanted a baby.

And then another one.

And then I was done.

What have I got out of it?

Less money.
Less sleep.
Less headspace.

What have I gained?
2 bloody great people in my life.
Lots and lots of fun.
A way of life i didn't anticipate.
More friends.
My gene pool surviving into the future.

I wouldn't say i always put their needs first by default. We all do what needs to be done so everyone benefits.

Didn't give up my freedom. And any compromises we made aren't for that many years. You can leave them on their own earlier than you think. You can train them to be helpful.

Yes, their future might be shit. But it might not. Same in any generation. They've got a better chance being born in the UK to mc parents, though. One has the advantage of being male.

Would I do it again? Sometimes I say no. But then I suppose, why not?

I totally disagree in all your comments .
Not going into politics either , but the cost of living one example is now horrendous .and food is expensive compared to a few years ago
Also this “embedded instinct “. Is NOT in everyone.
I knew when i was in my teens and possibly before …i would never ever want kids .

Some arent fit to have kids as well, child abuse in some people and some have murdered their own babies

Also the wonderful child benefit is good going for a lot of them to spend on booze and cigarettes and probably drugs .
Also to get a house , never work and live off benefits.

It is something else that should either be abolished altogether , or capped at one child

If i had ever wanted kids , i know one thing , i would have been a better mother than mine ever was .
Thats more i could go into, but wont .

When you express it like that I understand your reasoning. These things are all true and the positives are so personal and hard to explain without sounding over emotional and sentimental. I have never felt love like the love for my child, never laughed so much at the things they said and did as little ones, or never felt so much pride in their achievements However those are qualitative and very personal things.

Even though i agree with your 'cons' i totally understand why a woman wants a child.
It's an inbuilt natural 'need' for the majority ,but equally i think it is completely natural for those who have 'no need '- no right or wrong just the way we are built.
I have 3 , seemingly happy enough and healthy but i still have constant low level worry about them which is worse the older they get and i have no control of their lives as you do when they are small, if someone would have been able to let me experience this worry before i had them i think i may have thought twice about having any , but equally for me nothing in my entire life so far has ever compared to the sheer joy love and elation i felt when holding my newborn babies.

Best thing I ever did. Kids can bring you human connection, love, the joy of watching someone grow, meaning, purpose. You can find those things outside of children, I'm sure. But for me, they've been amazing.

I didn't want children when first married, I didn't think I would be a particularly good parent and wanted to enjoy life with my husband - holidays, eating out, expensive hobbies, long lies etc. After almost 10 years (and several niblings) I did start to feel broody. I found pregnancy, childbirth and children much easier than I expected. I am lucky that I didn't have to juggle work and childcare as most people have to now. My DC are lovely people and I'm very proud of them (and now I'm a grandparent which is even better).

I agree and also the idea that they are being brought up in hard times. Ffs how many 10 yr olds do you know working down a mine, how many work 16 hours a day as servants? How many suffer from malnutrition? Kids today in UK are some of the luckiest humans that have ever been born.

There is nothing more rewarding in my life than my children. Yes they cost a fortune and cause untold stress but it is very worth it. It is hard to explain but they my life real purpose and fulfilment.

You don't really need to understand it though do you?

You said a poster was being rude at the start of the thread by pointing out that people may not understand many different things, but they were kind of right. It's perfectly fine for anyone not want children, obviously. They don't really have to understand why others do.

@Careerchangeplease you keep saying that nothing anyone has said about the benefits of having children outweigh what you’ve said. I disagree, they absolutely do. To those people. They might not for you, which is why you might have made different choices. But if you can’t see or understand that other people place different values and importance on things than you do, then I don’t think you’ll get much from your thread. Sorry.

For what it’s worth, I don’t find being a parent a ‘constant worry’. I’m not any more or less worried than before. I don’t spend my whole life cleaning up after them. Maybe when they were little but they grow up 🤷‍♀️. I sleep great (again, less when they were little). I have less money, undeniable, but there’s literally nothing I’d rather do with my money. I could go on, but the gist is that your ‘disadvantages’ don’t really reflect my experience of parenthood, and I value other things much more anyway.

Hope that helped.

I find it fascinating to see people list all the positive of having children. Live like you’ve never experienced before .etc…..

I had PND after dc1, followed with Ante natal depression with dc2. I never felt the rush of love with dc1. It was hard won, working on it everyday to build the love and connexion. I don’t think I fully relaxed into the relationship until dc1 was 4~5yo.
dc2 is autistic so a completely different ball park. Not that I didn’t/dont love him but the connexion was dc2 is different. Less reciprocity.

It makes wonder if all the ‘oh having children is amazing’ is down to pure luck. You’re not ill. Your dcs dint have any major issues. You aren’t struggling with trauma/c-PTSD, have a good enough partner, enough money etc etc…. So the space to enjoy those children isn’t taken up by outside struggles.

Thats wo talking about the fact saying you regret having children is very frown upon, esp if you’re a mother.