Moments where you realise the friendship is one-sided

[stanleycups]

I had a friend who I was close to and then one day I opened up about a difficult work situation and asked for some advice and she just completely blanked it. She got in touch several months later never mentioning it and we’re still loosely friends but it really changed the way I see her. I’d spent ages discussing things like her career issues and mental health etc which I wanted to do as she was my friend but then I literally ask about one thing and she couldn’t even take the time to say “that sounds difficult” or something non-committal. It takes me a while to open up to someone and be honest about what I’m struggling with so I think that’s why I found it hurtful.

I can’t be the only one who’s had this kind of thing, would anyone else like to vent?

Costco?

Ive had several friends who were close and I thought I knew them. Then suddenly one day they would say something really nasty, usually a put down. It really shocked me and has made me feel I just can't trust anyone anymore.

I just wanted to say, I have found this thread very helpful with a situation that I am going through. I am meeting up with a friend of 20 years this morning, that I am at make or break point with as it’s become very one sided. Reading others stories has helped me realise I’ll be doing the right thing.

Not sure that’s so bad… it’s a sign if how comfortable they feel with you.

My friend is right dont tell too much or work girls keep it professional. A few years ago my friend was going through a tough time her texts got really toxic. Things I told her in confidence thrown back at me. It was a lesson learnt dont get close to friends. We polite now thats it I dont trust as much now. People are devious

When my best friend had a baby/got married I travelled by train alone to visit her and bought her presents. When I had a baby she lived closer and still didn't visit or buy a gift and when I got married she dropped out two days before and sent me a shitty £10 gift from Amazon. Don't see her anymore.

I was going to start a thread about this sort of thing when i saw this one.

I have aa friend who has had some awful times in the past 3 years and I have diligently supported her endlessly. In all the normal friend-ways. Calling her, taking her DCs out when she needed space, checking in etc. It's been intense and completely her-focused. Once or twice in the past 2 years or so I have tried to talk about things that are going on with me and been met with a brick wall.

Recently I messaged her on fb (it was late at night) and just said that a few things had happened and I was struggling with it., could we talk soon. She replied 'I'm just putting the girls to bed then I'll call you'.

That was 3 weeks ago. I've not heard a scooby. Not even a text.

I am more bewildered than upset and have just decided that I'm not chasing. Her second daughter had a birthday last week and I had already sent a present so that will have gotten there. But I've not heard anything about that either.

I've decided I'm not contacting her again first. I just feel if it's not about her she doesn't care. But oddly enough she broke off with another mutual friend about 3 years ago who is very 'me me me' as she said our mutual friend was too self absorbed. (She is, it's true).

Good advice as it’s human nature to want to tell someone else . This is how secrets get spread . Someone tells someone else who they swear to secrecy and that person tells somebody else who swears them to secrecy and on it goes . If you want something kept private then keep it to yourself.

We met up in a local pub for a drink, spent 3 hours being forced to look through every single one of her photos from her recent travels.
Parted on good terms and then never heard from her again. That was 20 years ago.
I saw her once, briefly, at a school reunion about 15 years ago, she ran over and gave me a hug, calling me by my faintly insulting nickname from school, that only she ever used, and that was that.
We'd been friends since the age of 7. But as the years passed, and the more I thought about it, the more I realised that she was a shit, selfish friend, who treated me fairly badly for 15 years.
I'm still annoyed that she was the one to ghost ME, whereas she was vastly more deserving of the ghosting than I was!

My friend’s birthday is a few days after Christmas. As always, her partner was shit and let her down, so I dropped all plans to take her out for the day.

A couple of weeks later, it was my birthday. I never normally celebrate as a mid-January birthday is just shite, but that year I really wanted a night out. On the day, that friend decided she was only going to come for a bit and that she was going to drive - which was her code for when she can’t really be bothered.

It all sounds so fucking petty now, as honestly, I don’t usually give a shit about my birthday, but after dropping everything to make sure she had a nice day, for her, just weeks later, making me feel like an inconvenience, it just really upset me. Especially as she’s always fucking like it.

Our friendship never really recovered after that. We don’t speak now at all. 16 years gone.

This happened to me too. I had moved and had at last, seemed to have made a friend with whom I had things in common. We used to meet for coffee. I became a bit less available as DH got prostate cancer and so-called friend turned nasty.
What really shocked me was that she was full of accusations relating to the past when I thought we were friends! She hadn't said a word before, really put me off getting close to people.

We should all be friends with each other!

I don’t think that sounds petty at all. I had a friend years ago that was just the same. If she benefited from doing stuff together, it was fine. As for things like my birthdays, I was made to feel like I was an inconvenience even on my 18th and 21st. Thankfully I had other friends at the time that did make the effort. We no longer speak either.

I’m reviving an old thread because I’m in this situation at the moment.
my friend is ill, but the demands and expectations are too much and I’ve had years of listening and helping her and basically being her counsellor.
she’s not responding to my texts and I’m not chasing her anymore. Think I’m done.

It’s amazing how many “friends” disappear when you’re no longer the one reaching out and making the effort every time. I’ve been so much happier since I’ve put less effort into one-sided friendships, and been better at setting boundaries and saying no more. I’m still willing to be there if they need me, but not at my own expense all the time.

I think it’s fine to be done with the friendship, especially if she’s not getting in touch with you. People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, and maybe that reason or season is at an end with this friend.

But bluntly, that's your expectations making you unhappy, not your friends. They haven't changed their behaviour. You were always the one making contact. You're happier because you've adjusted your expectations.

I see that exact phrase 'making the effort' on here so much in the context of friendships, without anyone questioning whether it's in fact the altruistic act the people saying it seem to think (especially as it frequently means 'I sent a text message').

Generally, people 'make the effort' because they want the friendship to continue. If it's one-sided, it's generally because the other person doesn't, or at the very least has de-prioritised it. So of course the other people don't start 'making the effort' because you've stopped -- the friendship only lasted as long as it did because you wanted it to enough to keep contacting them.

I mean, I absolutely get that this can be really hurtful, and obviously I've been on the receiving end of this myself on a couple of occasions, but I acknowledge with hindsight that I was probably always more invested in the friendship than they were, and for them it was largely situational.

I had a friend who, despite a four year age difference (he's younger, we're both males), was one of my closest friends when I was at boarding school. We kept in close contact when I left to go to uni and I was a regular visitor at his parents' home.

When my Mum was diagnosed with cancer he didn't really know how to react - fair enough, he was 16 and had no experience of it. When I went back to my home country to see out her final few months he didn't reply once to any of my emails or letters. He definitely got them, because his parents wrote after my mum died.

When I came back to the UK he was starting uni and we communicated regularly, but it was always me calling, always me suggesting times/places to meet up, and always him not committing because he was holding out for a better offer. When we were 27 and 31 he got himself into financial trouble - he and the friend-of-a-friend he'd bought a house with had bought half of DFS on interest free credit and when the 0% offer ended and went up to 34% he couldn't come up with his half. Not knowing he was already drowing in five figure debts I lent him £4k "for a few months".

Three years later, while I was away on a course, he rang my home number. By my reckoning it was about the third time in the 12 years since he'd left school that he had initiated contact with me, and it was about then that I realised just how once sided everything had been, because it was so unexpected. My assumption, of course, was that he needed something from me. He didn't leave a message, didn't call my mobile, but instead emailed me at work the next day so he would have got my out of office reply saying that I was away for the week. I got the message a few days later and emailed straight back. That evening I also called his mobile and left a message.

I am still waiting for him to return those messages more than 15 years later, and I've given up on ever seeing my money again.

Thanks.
I’ve known her for 20 years but I guess that longevity isn’t enough in itself to keep up a friendship.
Thinking about it theres pretty well zero reciprocity and major entitlement. It’s stressful and tiring .

that’s so true. It goes back to the saying “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”.

It’s so obvious when you strip it down. Basically if you’re the one always getting in touch and it isn’t ever reciprocated, they don’t want to get in contact. Because they’re not as invested and maybe not bothered about the friendship at all.

All these friendships sound exhausting. I"m quite glad my friends are generally people I share good times and hobbies with and are not people I rely on for emotional support or vice versa. With my job and family I wouldn't have the energy or time for that.

Yes exactly! Good post 👏