Moments where you realise the friendship is one-sided

[stanleycups]

I had a friend who I was close to and then one day I opened up about a difficult work situation and asked for some advice and she just completely blanked it. She got in touch several months later never mentioning it and we’re still loosely friends but it really changed the way I see her. I’d spent ages discussing things like her career issues and mental health etc which I wanted to do as she was my friend but then I literally ask about one thing and she couldn’t even take the time to say “that sounds difficult” or something non-committal. It takes me a while to open up to someone and be honest about what I’m struggling with so I think that’s why I found it hurtful.

I can’t be the only one who’s had this kind of thing, would anyone else like to vent?

Yes,same here, this was someone who always harped on about how I was their "best friend" but when I was the one really needing support, after listening to all their difficulties for many years, just changed the subject....to the weather of all things. And also cut off messages where I said was struggling, with a dismissive thumbs up symbol. Have realised they've shown who they are and I will act accordingly.

I’ve stopped investing in friendships with time, suggesting activities or emotional support.
I’ve stopped reaching out when I don’t hear from them.
I’ve always been the one to send the text asking after them and checking in.
I don’t do that anymore. They know where I am so it’s up to them.
It doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve been let down too many times, most recently by an old school friend over an activity long planned, in the diaries but she got a better offer and “forgot” about our arrangements.
C’est la vie!

I just don’t understand people like this. Don’t they have any self awareness at all?

Only in the way they are just aware of themself…

They are just insular i don't think they can see past themselves, you will get people say oh they are settling boundaries etc etc, but imagine saying it is fine to give a "thumbs up" to someone who is distressed or unhappy.

Oh yeah I’ve had a couple of these - dropped me when I was no longer useful. And the ones who dropped me when my DC were having issues. Still these are good ways to find out who your friends really are.

I've had to end a friendship as she always banged on about her problems but never listened to advice or did anything to change things

1-she broke her exs nose (I never did get to find out why)
2-a mate of hers promised his dd that she could have an item that belonged to friend but instead of just saying 'no',she ghosted him and slagged him off
3-her tosser ex left her for another woman
Instead of cheering about it,she started stalking the pair of them through his family and telling me all about it (o don't care!)
4-how skint she is (but can afford wants) she can't afford a tin of dog food so bought a kitten-more moaning about having to feed it
5-all the men in the world fancy her (they dont)
6-shes seeing a bloke who pays her for sex and messes her about
She would tell me she was dumping him but then they'd shag and them I'd get the 'I want to dump him' messages again

Anything I wanted to chat about was ignored and straight back into one of the above (in the space of a year,my ds got married and they had a baby but she doesn't know as she would have just started banging on about how ds fancied her and how his wife is second choice)

For hours and hours and hours-if I didn't answer straight away,she'd get pissy with me

I just couldn't take it anymore

Feeling like I never got a word in on any of our conversations, it was always about her, took me a long time to realise she never asked about anything about me. I realised I was the one always arranging meet ups, never her. Then eventually she was always busy so I stopped asking.

We've now in less regular contact but it upsets me she probably thinks I was the bad friend. No idea why it bothers me so much!

I remember her telling me about friends that had ghosted her over the years and I could never understand why. I ignored that red flag!

I’m familiar with this as well unfortunately. Old friends who suggest meeting up but never offer a day and time, I’m still waiting three years later to toast new year 2022, or the friend who claimed seven months ago she’d love to meet in our nearest big city for lunch over the summer and she needed to check her calendar. Summer has been and gone and I still haven’t heard from her.

Or the friend who messaged me out of the blue with the lovely news that they were visiting a famous landmark near us and I assumed she wanted to come over to see us as we live several hours away- no, she just wanted to share that they were off to the famous landmark.

The friend who we gave a very thoughtful wedding gift to who never acknowledged the gift. Not ever. I thought they’d be over the moon.

What a bitch!

I know i was shocked and hurt, we weren't long term friends but I genuinely thought close enough, oh well as they say you move on.

I really recognise the dynamic of having repeat friendships with people with issues that you have to support, then getting little in return. It took me a few years to take on board my part in this. As a PP said, it was often about me feeling no one would like me unless I made myself necessary in some way; this then made me quite exploitable. I wouldn't be upset when they did well, I'd be thrilled - but then would find myself cut out, as I was seen as someone who was useful rather than genuinely valued in good times as well.

Over the years I've got much better at recognising this sort of pattern. I've got better boundaries and am now less willing to be the rebound partner/friend who picks up the problems then gets disposed of when their function has ended. These days I'm more likely to be the person that steps away and breaks contact if it feels like there's a risk of this pattern repeating itself. However, I've found it harder to establish healthy relationships instead of just avoiding the unhealthy ones. I think I probably come across as quite guarded and insular some of the time now, and need to work out how to be a bit more open and sociable. I'm lucky in that I do have some good long term friends, but as I get older and think about retirement and different phases of life, I'll need to develop ways of being authentically friendly without worrying that I'm seeming needy or gullible.

Oooh....

Well my family are common (maybe but they're decent people).
My husband is ugly (happily married 18 years she's long term single, not by choice).
She can't understand why I went into health care I'd be awful at it because I'm such a bitch (I'm very successful in my career and have been for a long time).
She couldn't bear to live in my awful suburban area, she'd simply die of boredom.
'It's not normal to be happy to leave your baby this young, you obviously have post natal depression' (went to wedding reception for 3 hours when DD was 8 weeks old, had been invited before I was pregnant and said yes, she is child free).
'It's odd to see you actually being gentle and loving to someone' (when DD was a baby, again, because I'm apparently a total bitch).
Stormed out of a pub because I asked her to stop speaking badly to me about another friend of mine who she dislikes.
Told me it was awful and selfish of me to allow DH to have a vasectomy because he might want to have more children when (not if) we split up.

All the same person.
It actually makes me rage at myself that I put up with her shit for so long.
I struggled with female friendships when I was younger, when I met her she brought me into her friend group and I fell into a trap of being grateful to be 'one of the girls'.
Then the scales fell off my eyes and I realised healthy female friendships don't have to involve putting each other down or secretly competing so I cut her off and am much happier for it.

Awful replies who needs friends like these. I think in my 50s we wont take crap now. I had a lovely cousin but looking back was all on her terms. Got dropped when her life busy. Vowed I wouldnt be used again by others. I suit myself now

No, I didn't bother. One-sided, but no hard feelings. Maybe we'll bump into each other again one day.

Friend had a big birthday coming up - has loads more money than I do and seemed to want to plan some huge event using her various connections. My life fell apart with child/father of child suddenly back on the scene, me having huge health issues and a friend commiting suicide.
She sent long angry messaging culminating in her calling me a Cunext Tuesday because I said I didn't think I would make it to her birthday party, because she changed the date and hadn't told me and I had so many things going on. She acted like a 5 year old and never even asked how me or my child was. She wasn't mature enough for her "big birthday" age, let's just say.

I'm sure I've told this on here before, but I was in a wheelchair after an accident. Broke 10 bones, 6 of which were from the hips down. Friend wanted me to help her with her side business at the flea market.

It meant she was picking me up at 6am every Saturday morning. She was consistently 45-60 minutes late. Always overslept or just struggled to get up so early or sometimes just not in the mood but didn't tell me before hand. Never thought of the fact that I got up super early in order to get myself ready (which takes considerably longer when you're in a wheelchair) and then sat around waiting for her.

About a year later she was living with us after a bad breakup. I was out of the wheelchair, but walking was difficult and I wasn't driving yet. She was on her way out for brunch with some other friends and I asked if she minded popping to the corner shop (2 minutes away) for ciggies for me as DH was still sleeping and exhausted. She flat-out refused and said that she doesn't want to be late for her friends.

Cheers mate!

First one was a friend who constantly asked me to babysit her child. She was single and went out a lot! Her child was a nightmare and my children didn't like them. After a while I started saying I wasn't available. I felt used and she only got in touch when she wanted something. She stopped asking after a while and the friendship fizzled out.

Second one was a really good friend (I thought) who had issues with her alcoholic partner, who had affairs and was violent. I was really supportive to her and she often talked for hours and I listened and sympathised. Tried to encourage her to leave but she was adamant about getting him help. His behaviour just got worse. Then when I left my own abusive partner, she stopped all contact with me. I did nothing wrong and we never fell out. She just exited my life. Our partners were friends with each other and that has continued. She is still with her arsewipe of a partner. I think she felt that what I did (ending my abusive relationship) was what she never had the courage to do for herself, and she probably couldn't look at me again for that. I was then grieving the loss of both relationships for a while. I don't make friends easily and I still miss her actually.

@JadedVeryJaded "Old friends who suggest meeting up but never offer a day and time,"

Oh, yes, this happens so often. Christmas and birthdays 'hope we can meet up this soon/year' but the only times this happens is if I make the arrangements. I just ignore it all now. Soon I will give up on the cards.

I think it is similar to when you go on an organised group holiday and someone organises a group email list so we can all keep in touch and share photos etc. Nothing ever comes of that either, thankfully.

I am still chuckling over one friend who only communicated by phone or paper post letter. We were good friends but when I moved away neither of us were good at keeping in touch but after a long silence I began to worry about her. Her phone seemed to be disconnected. Eventually I made contact and it turned out that (long story here) her landline phone supplier had ceased trading and she had to get a mobile phone and new number which a friend set up for her. Clearly my number didn't make the cut. She said she enjoys texting but posting letters was too expensive now. We exchanged a couple of texts. After a while I texted her with a birthday text. She asked who I was! I replied and no answer. So rather belatedly I have got the message.

We moved into a new build at the same time (two doors away!) and became friends, similar backgrounds/interests/hobbies etc. She had just got out of a long term relationship and I did a lot of emotional lifting and supported her through it. She could be a little intense at times, sometimes she'd want to hang out 3-4 evenings a week, but we always had a laugh and we had a niche-ish shared hobby.

She adopted a gorgeous older dog who I dog sat for a lot, I had my own dog/pets but I didn't mind too much because at the time I worked 100% remotely and she was just a few doors away.

As soon as she got into a relationship, she completely went AWOL and pretty much moved to the guys place within a few weeks. I didn't hear from her unless she needed me to look after her dog. I sent the odd text saying it'd be good to hang and she'd be like "absolutely, next time I'm home we will!" with no indication of when she would actually ever be home so like... the ball was in her court.

I asked her to look after my dog one time in an emergency and she replied saying she was too tired.

Didn't hear from her again and found out from another neighbour she's fully moved out of her flat a few months ago to live with the guy and has put her flat on the market.

A few weeks ago she text me asking if I knew someone she could buy weed from so I blocked her.

Its weird how many women can cope with being friends with a women who, like them, isnt married.

I had a miscarriage and she seemed embarrassed to talk about it, so she didn’t. I saw her in a completely different light. She also never initiated contact. It was always me. I stopped contact and she didn’t bother to get in touch.

That sounds outrageously bonkers! Did she want for you to stay quiet while she read her bills, postcards and such? Joker!

Yep.
Not sure why I dropped her... she was amazing, or so she kept telling me.

It became pretty clear to me that many of my friendships were baseless when barely anybody contacted me after the worst massacre of Jewish people since the Holocaust in my husband’s country. It still hurts, almost two years later.