Moments where you realise the friendship is one-sided

[stanleycups]

I had a friend who I was close to and then one day I opened up about a difficult work situation and asked for some advice and she just completely blanked it. She got in touch several months later never mentioning it and we’re still loosely friends but it really changed the way I see her. I’d spent ages discussing things like her career issues and mental health etc which I wanted to do as she was my friend but then I literally ask about one thing and she couldn’t even take the time to say “that sounds difficult” or something non-committal. It takes me a while to open up to someone and be honest about what I’m struggling with so I think that’s why I found it hurtful.

I can’t be the only one who’s had this kind of thing, would anyone else like to vent?

Relied on me heavily through relationship breakdown, job loss and job search, ill child. Moved to my city for a new job. Hardly contacted me for 6 months, organised to drop in to pick up some expensive stuff for her kid on the way out of the city to move back. Contacted me to say it would be a 5 minute drop in.

Said no and blocked her. Still owes money to me as well.

Ex Friend had family member who was ill, had to cancel an important celebration. I kept in touch every day by text and called. She asked me to do some bits which I did. When things were settled I said let’s go out, and she said no I can’t I don’t have time. Plus I’m going out with my friends…

Never saw her or contacted her again. She wrote a text about 2 weeks later, she was very pissed as she’d never had a friend walk away from her before. She said she was very popular and couldn’t understand why I was not in contact with her. I didn’t reply.

I had a friend who I caught up regularly with. Circumstances meant we didn’t see each other for a while. However, when free, made the effort to contact and arrange to meet up for coffee. However, realised it was never reciprocated.

Too many to mention
Supported her through IVF. When I was having fertility issues she basically told me to get over it then chose everyone else in the friendship group to be bridesmaid but me.

Yes this was my experience - jealousy at your newly found freedom.

Supported a friend through a horrible job situation which included hour long phone calls most days for about 6 months. Helped her pack up to move house twice and shared lots of fun things over the years. After she moved a distance away and later I moved too, but we stayed in touch and visited a couple of times a year.

I sent her a message saying I'd been made redundant, my house had subsidence and I was overwhelmed. No response and she never acknowledged it.

Someone who would go on and on and on about some difficult family relationships. She over reacted to any little setback and ranted on about nonsense, but I tried to support her and spent hours messaging her sometimes. When I have issues with my family or am facing difficult times or have health problems it is 'have you seen a doctor', 'I'm sure it'll be fine' and then back to herself. I can't be bothered anymore.

Also after a hellish marriage and being a single mum I met my now dh. We moved into a new house together in the area she wants to live and she cut me off after 15 years and went round to our joint hairdresser slagging me off. Jealously.

Oh I have had exactly this as well. It really messed with my own sense of whether or not I had anything interesting to say until I realised she was just being a dick.

Told her that I was having difficulty at Uni as had no friends there, spent the whole time alone, and was very lonely.
She changed the subject to her own mental health and how strong she was to get through this.

Mentioned my own break up. She changed the subject to her own break up.

Arranged meet ups then showed up 30-45 minutes late. Once complained when she was only 10 minutes late and I hadn't arrived yet.

She complained that I never call her for a catch up.

She then set up a chat with various women I kind of know stating "I don't care what any of you say, I'm getting back with my ex"

Crack on pal, never mind he robbed you of €5k, spends his time between rehab in Amsterdam and St John of God's in Dublin.

I haven't spoken to her in quote a while now.

For a time in my life I attracted very demanding, needy and controlling friends but I was playing my part in that dynamic. Other people who were friends with these people had a skill of holding the same friends massively at arms length whereas I fed into their dynamic.

I don’t do that anymore and I have much more functional friends and friendships now.

Yup I’ve had similar things. The worst being people stopping contact with me when I had a baby, and again when I was diagnosed with a life threatening health condition. Thankfully these were not super long term close friends, but still hurtful. These events can act as a ‘sieving’ process and only the good friends are left!

I think it’s really sad how friendships aren’t valued much in society and how ubiquitous ghosting has become too.

Never saw her or contacted her again. She wrote a text about 2 weeks later, she was very pissed as she’d never had a friend walk away from her before. She said she was very popular and couldn’t understand why I was not in contact with her.

😲😲😲😲

Brilliant post. I relate to this.

If you are naturally a giving, ‘helping’ sort of person then it can create a dynamic where people use you for their own ends (to help them in some way, be it emotional or practical support). I remember being swept up in numerous dramas in my twenties, constantly offering support for often self-made situations, and receiving very little back myself.

I have solid boundaries now and have less friends as a result, but better quality reciprocal friendships.

Also, people who are habitually late every time you meet them. One friend hadn’t appeared after 45 mins. I phoned her to ask her where she was ‘oh I got talking to someone, will be there in half an hour’. I snapped at that point and never saw her again.

Did you ever contact him again?

When she called me “fucking financially irresponsible and that it was my own fucking fault and I should be more fucking financially responsible like she is” when I interrupted her rant about the fucking financially irresponsible idiots who had made claims because they’d been miss-sold car finance….. Her apology that she was only jealous because she wasn’t getting a pile of money back didn’t quite cut it in my mind.

For the record, my finances are perfectly sound!

To be honest I should have walked away a while ago when she commented that “everyone knows lawyers are useless, but we need ’em (sic)” - I’m a lawyer 🙄

Thank you for this post @stanleycups, I needed to get that one off my chest!

I've had 3 situations like this!

One ghosted me after I had my second child, a girl. She had a little boy around same time as mine through IVF. I think they wanted a second but it didnt happen and being around me with new baby probably too difficult which I do understand. Recently our boys now joined the same secondary, I saw her and we were perfectly friendly to each other. Friendly but not friends.

2nd friend, college friend, got on so well that she was my bridesmaid. Didn't get along with my sister which is fine as she can be difficult! I don't know if that or another reason but she just slowly sort of became distant. I didn't attend her wedding as I was heavily pregnant with a high risk pregnancy. I did send one of the nicer gifts off her gift registry and all was fine but didnt hear from her. I recently asked a few other college mates and none of them heard from ger, doesn't appear to be on SM, at least not under her own name so its sad but thats that 🤷‍♀️

3rd is the worst. Lifelong friends, has become distant for no apparent reason. Tried to work it out. We dont live close by so rarely see each other but chat alot on phone/text. Texts are one or 2 sentences which before were essays. DS Recently started a private school, she doesn't agree with private education, I have no idea if thats a factor! In hindsight, she didnt attend my Dad's funeral a few years ago despite knowing him all her life. My Dad & her Dad lifetime friends. Seems to prioritise other friends over me. Its very hurtful, she can be a bit moody, I have asked her twice to please tell me what's up, or even if she cant say just that some worries or whatever but no insists all is OK when it clearly isn't 🙄

I think some friends just come and go, another friend of mine believes its generally rooted in some kind of jealousy/envy. Maybe she's right.

Well, or you choose people whom you perceive to be less fortunate/lucky/well /popular than you, precisely in order for you to trade services for friendship and to make yourself feel 'needed'.

My mother has done this (entirely unconsciously) all her life. In her case it's from poor self-esteem. She doesn't think anyone who was happy and popular would want her around, so she hones in on people who are lonely, needy or ill. Unfortunately, this also means that such people see her as a form of support animal, and have no interest in her as a human being. However, it's easy to see exactly how she creates the same situation over and over -- if you phone her ina good mood, having got a job you wanted, or having had a nice weekend away, or just with no particular problem that's bothering you, you can almost hear her switching off. Other people's happiness is a threat to her, because then they don't 'need' her.

@AncientHarpy Absolutely, this is a really common dynamic and I’ve seen this many times.

In my situation it was quite different, as the individuals were generally very privileged in life and it was more of a narcissistic type picture.

In my life I have been really bad at spotting this. I think when you are ND and also a people pleaser you can overlook the signs that friends are not really friends. (Speaking for myself really.) I have always been good at saying 'perhaps she didn't react because she's busy/upset/concentrating on X' but most of the time it was fairly clear uncaring behaviour and I couldn't see it.

Sorry for some of these stories, it's a horrible form of rejection, really. We do invest a lot in friendships and it isn't nice to see them trashed so carelessly.

I so agree with @Plethorapeach about some of us attracting users. I used to be such a people pleaser, less so now. The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins really helped me, and I can now say no, and not fret about other people’s feelings.

I’m currently fading out a long term friend. Over 18 years I’ve never once been over to her house, not even for a cuppa. She’s been to mine for meals, parties, cuppas hundreds of times. I even had her three dogs for a week when she went on holiday. I love cats and when I was excited to be getting two of my own after a few years without them. When I told her she said, “Oh, you won’t be able to have my dogs next year then, will you? I was really hurt. Final straw was we talked about a weekend away a couple of weeks ago, and she never got back to me with dates which she promised to do. So I’m done, sad, but done.

We had been friends for five years, she had moved to a different country but we kept in touch texting and face timing. We'd met up for a weekend away last year.

My dog died suddenly, although he was 15 he was in great health so it was a huge shock. My friend happened to text me the day after, I told her what had happened, we were all in shock and devastated etc

She replied with condolences but I never heard from her again!

So weird but looking back I saw she only texted when she wanted something.
What I thought was her being friends with me was actually the price she paid to get something from me.

Yes completely agree. I've realised the friendships that have ended at a time when I've been in need of support actually started a a time when the friend was going through a difficult time.
I gave support, the friend got through that time, there was a friendship of sorts where I didn't see how one sided it was, then I needed support and the friend disappeared.

When i messaged asking how she was and she then proceeded to tell me how busy her life was and she would now be concentrating on her kids and work and a few close friends only! I am paraphrasing slightly as there was lots of flowery language and self reflection blah blah.

Ive not spoken to her since being friend dumped!