Moments where you realise the friendship is one-sided

[stanleycups]

I had a friend who I was close to and then one day I opened up about a difficult work situation and asked for some advice and she just completely blanked it. She got in touch several months later never mentioning it and we’re still loosely friends but it really changed the way I see her. I’d spent ages discussing things like her career issues and mental health etc which I wanted to do as she was my friend but then I literally ask about one thing and she couldn’t even take the time to say “that sounds difficult” or something non-committal. It takes me a while to open up to someone and be honest about what I’m struggling with so I think that’s why I found it hurtful.

I can’t be the only one who’s had this kind of thing, would anyone else like to vent?

I’ve realised this recently as well. At the grand old age of 50!

All my current friendships are like this. But I’ve moved around a lot in my adult life, I’ve had to completely start again 4 in different parts of the country 4 times now. The latest 4 years ago and it takes a while to meet people and get close.

So I just accept it for what it is, otherwise, I would be very lonely. I mean, I am extremely lonely, I have no one to properly speak to, I’m married to a Bit of a prick as well who I can’t speak to about any emotions, but I need some sort of social interaction or I’d go insane in my own head. So I take what I can get.

I would class about 5 people as friends. I am desperate for a night out, I haven’t been out in about 7 years now. But it’s always, “Sorry, I am so busy with my friends, I am already going out a couple of times this month with them”, why can’t I be the friend they make time to go out with?

I’m always the one as well who hosts parties. Everyone is keen to come, but we never get invited anywhere. It’s a hell of a lot of expense and effort, but like I said, I’ve accepted it. If I didn’t host parties, bbqs, get togethers etc at my house, I wouldn’t ever do a thing and I’d go mad with loneliness.

Ive made a few people I would call friends here over the last few years and I’ve never once been invited to their houses! They always come here, I am always the one organising.

We are having a big building project starting in a couple of weeks that will render our house useless for having anyone over for a couple of months and I guarantee, I will see no one.

I have a membership to a particular business some distance away and it always ended up me driving us there. When I hadn’t ‘offered’ for a while, it turned out her sister was a member and was getting her what she wanted, but I was never asked.

I actually felt during one trip what she bought was hugely excessive for their needs and now think she was probably using my membership and transport to buy for others and me bringing it all back locally.

during that period, my family ended a professional arrangement and she wanted to know the details of that. She had become quite chummy with one of the partners who had told her most of the arrangement. When I clarified one or two items, next thing she had taken over the situation and then was sending her DH to borrow bits and pieces we owned so she could continue on. We ensured that came to an end very quickly, and of course we are the worst in the world for doing so…

I still hear from her from time to time but realise she isn’t a friend.

I had a situation the opposite to many described here. Old friend from Uni, mutual friends, lived near each other. When someone in my family was terminally ill she really stepped up, she messaged all the time and called into the hospital to take me out for breaks to a cafe or for a walk. She was so supportive at that time. She was also the first to visit my DC and buy gifts etc. Communication was a little bit more on my side but mostly mutual. Then things go wrong in her life and she doesn't open up to me at all. She kept everything trivial and brushed off any concerns I raised. When she went through the same family terminal illness she didn't respond to my messages and kept me out of the loop. She withdrew even further as her marriage fell apart to the point I heard from someone else. When I reflected back on it she would visit me but rarely wanted me in her home, never wanted me around much when she had her DC but always asked questions about mine, to the point of being a bit too invasive. She was involved with my wedding and did a reading but told me nothing about hers, it was a small private affair. She never shared much about her family or DH but always involved herself in my life, she knew my family and my house is full of photos of her but she had none of me. It's like she was the opposite of a fair weather friend, always wanting to solve other people's problems but never letting me reciprocate. She eventually stopped contact altogether and it made me feel like a shit friend. I spent years wondering where I went wrong with her.

This, but about half a dozen ‘friends’ over the years. I stopped messaging first and never heard from them again. 🤷‍♀️

She'd been made redundant. The night before I spent 2 hours comforting and reassuring her. She was then moved to a different role elsewhere in the organisation. Fast forward to a redundancy in my department which could well have been me and she didn't even message. She knew it was happening as she was on the mail.

@Dontlletmedownbruce
well that is just the weirdest thing…..
I have heard of people that become friends when you are in trouble (it distracts them from their own problems ) and then they get ‘funny’ when your life picks right up and drop you like a stone ….. was your friend there for the ‘good times’ too?
One of my friends was a bit like that …

Was this business, like a jewellery business?

I had a friend throughout my school days, and 20’s. Looking back, I made most of the contact, it was landlines back then.
I got divorced in my mid 30’s and she disappeared pretty quickly. I was still calling but eventually realised there was nothing coming back so I stopped and never heard from her for 10 years. She suddenly got in touch after the 10 years but for me there was no connection and her reasons for the way she behaved were pretty hurtful. We’re not in touch now, 10 more years on.

Suggested buying maternity clothes to hide my stomach - I was overweight not pregnant.
Sent link to transvestite shoe company when I mentioned shoe shopping was harder with large feet.
She's always about late, the one occasion I was 5 minutes late I got an angry phone call screaming "WHERE AE YOU"!!!
Said nothing when I told her about a family tradgedy after knowing her a few years, literally nothing, not a word.
Constantly trying to control my life choices.
So many back handed compliments and put downs.
Got extremely weird when I got an interview for a really good job, Pestered me to take a lesser job at her husband's place of work to the point of harassment even though I had repeatedly said I wasn't interested and my interview was pending.
Makes belittling remarks about my current job.
Expects me to be available when it suits her gets angry when I'm not.
Sent a text on my 60th including a comment on something she knows I'm sensitive about, no card.
So many things trying to sabotage/divide and conquer/ isolate me from people when we used to work together.
So many reasons why she couldn't use her car so I did the bulk of lifts.
Just so so many incidences and comments that one day I suddenly thought how on earth could I have let this person in my life and reflected on all the insidious control I'd allowed and damage it had caused in my life.
I gave so much of her behaviour the benefit of the doubt as she's pretty blunt generally but realised she's not a friend and is actually mostly a really unpleasant nasty person and I should have paid heed to the early warning signs. I've cut contact now.

@TammyJones to be fair she was around in good times and bad, we knew each other a very long time. I think maybe in my head she was my closest friend and in her head I was one of many but not inner circle. So when her life got stressful the circle reduced and i was easy to part with for her. I don't know really! I've never figured it out.

To me, this seems quite normal with a close friend? I can chat whilst scanning the mail? Maybe she was waiting for an important letter? The kettle is on, friend settling in, I’ll quickly open something if it looks important?

Yeah, I didn’t really understand what was so terrible about that, compared to other poster’s experiences with shit friends.

A group of friends from high school.
I supported them all with bereavements, break ups, cancer diagnosis, family issues, always listening and
I looked back and realised when I had parents get cancer diagnosis, my child had major surgery, my relationship was in trouble, when I was struggling ttc, I had zero support so just stepped away.

Yes, it’s very passive aggressive if people are always really late.

Thinking about this , I feel strangely sad suddenly.

I had exactly this and was one of those friends who pulled away. I worry she feels let down but I couldn’t handle being put in the counsellor role 100% of the time and literally never having any questions asked my way. Also if I expressed my true personality, she would subtlety put me down and dismiss me as ‘silly’. Tricky and feel bad.

It’s a bit like grief I think, you’re grieving a good relationship you once had, and miss it. I feel like that sometimes about friendships that have changed or fizzled out.

I try to keep it in mind for future friendships and how I let myself feel. Not easy though.

I’m sorry but not in this instance…

This was a very insightful comment and it resonates with me. Thank you.

This was a very insightful comment and it resonates with me. Thank you.

Yes, this was the case with lot of "friends" but I didn't mind really. I loved being able to help out and my kids were happy to have other kids around.

What hurt me was one friend whose daughter I frequently took care of but we saw each other outside of that. I consoled her when her mum died and we talked about everything and I felt really close to her.
Come sevondary and different schools so she didn't need me. She was also saying bad things about my DC's school; since it's private it's not inclusive and they give good grades because parents pay for them. Which is not true because you have to have excellent grades and behaviour to enter. Which ofcourse makes it less inclusive than state but when it comes to grades it's quite the opposite: the state school gives good grades because there are so many underachievers that the good students get excellent grades. I know this because my other DC attended it and he got fairly good grades even though he had severe difficuties and really couldn't follow mainstream (we took him out after).

Anyway, I see her around and it still hurts me when I think of how she just dropped me when I had filled my fonction.

I made two friends at the school gates

I was a single mum and they both had partners (one married her bloke because he's loaded and made sure she had 2 babies to him and the other has had endless affairs but her bloke loves her and will forgive her for anything)

I was bloody vulnerable and did a hell of a lot of childcare for both of them

I'd drop everything for them if they needed it-i even looked after one child when she was in labour with security baby no1)

The other set me up with her ex and he could have killed me (he was into strangling me during sex and at the time I was 5'7 and a size 14,he was 6'2 and at least 20 stone-she knew this and thought it was funny when i burst into tears while telling her,now id be down that police station before he could blink)

They seemed to think that not only could they use me for childcare,but they could control every part of my life

If I bought the kids a new pair of school shoes or treats in my weekly shop,I'd get it in the neck

Anyway,I carried on with the friendships as I was lonely and vulnerable

Fast forward to dds 5th birthday-id saved really hard to throw her a bash and they didn't show up

I didn't think anything of it until a few days later they both blanked me at school and then unleashed a smear campaign on me

I crashed straight into a nervous breakdown (I had other things going on at the time-its not 100% their fault but they didn't help)

I came out of the other side and they still didn't let up

I ended up moving away and they are still at it (16 years on)

They weedle in with people they think I'm friends with and try to spread their lies (I'm nc with my family and they are both up their arses and enjoying making up their lies)

Some people are just vicious

I used to take a girl home from work every day , it was about 10 minutes out of my way, which was fine. She used it as a counselling session and would get everything off her chest . She never offered petrol money, not a problem as I was going that way.
then was off work for 4 months for planned major surgery. She said I’ll visit you every week as it’s the least I can do for you. Didn’t hear from or see her at all in those 4 months
. Then she had a baby who was fretful and I bumped into her whilst she was on mat leave. She was so stressed. My son had been dreadful as a baby , if he was awake, he was screaming and he first slept through the night when he was 3 years old. Sometimes he’d wake 10 times a night ( horrendous which is why he’s an only child 😀) . Anyway this means that crying babies do not stress me out at all. She said she just needed to be able to take a shower in peace. I offered to pop over and look after the baby while she did that. She was so grateful and was able to have an hour long soak while I looked after the little one. S few years later she sadly had a miscarriage, again I supported her.
My mum then got dementia and I needed a friend, luckily I had some, but she wasn’t one of them.
The following year I had a serious breakdown, again didn’t hear from her.
I like her as a person but I deserve better so I’ve had to learn to completely step away from that relationship.