Moments where you realise the friendship is one-sided

[stanleycups]

I had a friend who I was close to and then one day I opened up about a difficult work situation and asked for some advice and she just completely blanked it. She got in touch several months later never mentioning it and we’re still loosely friends but it really changed the way I see her. I’d spent ages discussing things like her career issues and mental health etc which I wanted to do as she was my friend but then I literally ask about one thing and she couldn’t even take the time to say “that sounds difficult” or something non-committal. It takes me a while to open up to someone and be honest about what I’m struggling with so I think that’s why I found it hurtful.

I can’t be the only one who’s had this kind of thing, would anyone else like to vent?

I've realized (belatedly) that it is NEVER wise to share personal information. No matter WHO it is. Maybe your partner. Maybe an exception here and there. But even people who you believe to be friends, can fall away, or can use that information against you if the circumstances change. And never, ever become personal friends with coworkers. It's just best to keep things light, imo.

I’ve been in situations before where the friendship felt one-sided because most of our conversations involved talking about their problems. I started noticing they only ever got in touch when they wanted to discuss their latest issue or work drama, and it felt like they we’d been talking about the same situation with little change for years by this point.

It was really draining and I started to dread when they messaged me, and felt like for my own sanity I needed to step back. I didn’t hear from them for a while, but lo and behold they got in touch again pretending it was to ask how I am when really it was to talk about another drama they’d had.

Perhaps I should have just had an honest conversation about how I was feeling, but it changed how I felt about the whole friendship.

When my husband died suddenly, my so called 'best friend'....her description, told everyone how she was looking after me, supporting me etc. She actually didn't 'phone me for two weeks, because she 'couldn't get a signal'.
This, after years of listening for hours to her relationship issues, work issues, wanting to be a singer, etc etc.
She then phoned, asking what I was having for dinner. I said I didn't know, hadn't thought about it, and she said I was acting as though it was the worst thing to happen. It was. Don't miss her, or her drama, at all.

Fucking hell, I have no idea why you would continue to be her friend after that!

When my dad was terminal and I had a long journey to get to him. My friend got arsey because I couldn't go out for her leaving drinks. No sympathy at all from her 😔

@Cherrysoup oh honestly me neither. Life is a lot nicer without her!

In my 40s, been friends since we were 7. She was staying at my flat overnight and we’d politely asked the upstairs neighbour if he’d mind turning down his music. The gf came downstairs, my friend put her hand round the gf’s throat and refused to let go! (Gf was, thank god, ok) Think she’d taken something. I’d ’rescued’ her from the flat she was living in, apparently her flatmates had kicked her out. I’d driven from one end of London to the other, helped her pack (which she’d had ages to do, knowing I was en route).

She ghosted me ever since, a mutual friend couldn’t really explain why.

Almost same here: our children went to different secondary schools and she didn't need me anymore.

My relationship breakdown was messy and ended in utter turmoil for me. I had been talking through it with a friend until suddenly they started giving one word answers, the thumbs up reaction to messages and no reply. After a few weeks of this and them moving on to snappy answers they let slip that they'd had 'clear the air talks' with my ex. I was amazed. I'd helped this person through a lot, lent them money and they'd encouraged me to break up with my ex. I realise now, why my ex was baiting me on social media. This person was feeding them information about me!
Serves me right for expecting some help and support.

I used to have a friend who I'd known for years and we where like sisters

She was an auntie to my children,helped me breastfeed,looked after them,helped me into the shower after giving birth,held my hand during the morning sickness-loads more

I was there for her after friend after friend dumped her and through her mental health crisis

I was pregnant again and she would hang out at ours for hours

I gave birth and when baby was about 5 months,her and the Cocklodger I was with went out shopping (with my money) to buy my christmas present

Hours went past and I was starting to worry where they where

Thy finally walked in pissed up,all I said was 'where the hell have you been?' and she flew for me

Battered the hell out of me,smashed my house to bits,told my children I'd wanted to abort them and that she'd been shagging cocklodger for the last year

They then played the game of dragging me through the courts for access to my baby,just to hurt and punish me while laughing about how they could hurt me more and launching a nasty smear campaign against me

She even showed up to his contact sessions,acting the loving mummy to my baby (she called herself 'mummy' to him) and the contact staff seemed to go along with this and gaslighted me when I complained

Loads of people came out of the woodwork to say she'd done the same to them and her mother always sided with her

They broke up,he lost interest in being a dad and walked away

She finally got in touch years later on FB,blaming me and telling me that I was a shit mother,randomly telling me what a good person she is and then saying a faux sorry

Blocked

That’s dreadful. And so hurtful. Hope you’re okay .

@PauliesWalnuts that’s awful. I hope your treatment goes well

This happened to my Mum in her 30s and 40s, other mums used her because she was a SAHM and then dropped her when she was no longer required

Our kids were the same age. We hung out as families. She was widowed.

Was there to help with the house and her kids. Listened.

Kids grew up. They were like siblings. Mine watched out for hers on the school bus.

Kids left school. Her oldest was at best what our Mums would have described as a selfish, little madam. Her way or the highway.

Her daughter made it into med school. Said she wanted to be an orthopod. I asked what plan B was as there is limited residencies for ortho and getting in was like an old boys club. I suggested another specialty which is much more female friendly. Nope she'd get in.

Long story short after that conversation, didn't see my friend again, no word. My oldest was getting married and asked if he should invite her as he'd literally grown up with this family. I told him it was his decision (he was in his late 20s at this point). Never did find out if he invited her.

Last year, I got a Christmas card wanting to catch up. I was floored. I know her daughter is now a doctor in the specialty I'd suggested (she works in my hospital). She's not well liked and considered arrogant by doctors on the same service. I'd seen her in the halls a few times and been blanked by her. You know, you smile as you walk by. Got the blank face.

Nope. Former friend, you ignored me for five years. Your girls got married, not even a call to let me know.

Still haven't got a clue what I did other than suggest her daughter have a plan B

I have one of these too. The last time I saw her was at my mother’s funeral. About 6 weeks before that I had resolved to wait and see how long it would be before she called me rather than me making contact. That was in 1999 and we’ve never spoken since.

The time I ended my DV relationship and chose to terminate my unplanned pregnancy as it was all too stressful, I was on some serious high dose antidepressants and seeing a psychiatrist weekly as I was feeling suicidal. My 'friend' wanted me to go on a night out for her birthday, but I wasn't up for it due to all the above, so she called me "a selfish baby-murdering council-scum cunt"

This wasn't long after I'd spent weeks constantly consoling her, running round to her with wine and comfort foods, listening for hours and being sympathetic when she discovered she was the OW of a guy she'd been casually sleeping with, but falling in love with (he played her like a good un). Or whenever she and her parents fell out. Or whenever she lost another job. Or whenever she'd got no money because she'd spent it all on designer clothes she couldnt actually afford...etc

When it was my turn for some serious consoling, she was too busy or would just ognore my texts/calls. And then when I was far too mentally unwell to party for her birthday, I received that venomous tirade of abuse.

I knew she had a bit of a nasty streak if she didn't get her own way, but she really ramped it up that day.

Wow. That's awful, sorry you went through that. Who even says something that terrible? Did you ever speak again/did she try to reach out to you?

So sorry to hear this, that terrible event seems to have brought out the worst in a lot of people sadly

I have realised that helping a friend through some sort of crisis can often be the end of the friendship. I don’t think it’s meant unkindly but just that you (as the supportive friend) become somehow associated with painful memories, tainted almost, and as the friend then recovers the pulls away from the difficult memories and you as well. It’s sad but I think it is sort of understandable.

Why do people do this constant oh we must meet up, but never organise it?

I know someone that does this and has said it to me three times since Christmas, at Christmas, on her birthday and on my birthday. Why say it if you have no intention of organising it. (I organised the last time) I don’t get it.

God no, that was the end of that friendship for me.

I blocked her on everything and never saw her again. I'd endured years of bullying at school, left home young to escape parental bullying at home, had been bullied out of a job more than once, had ended a relationship to a bully of a man and now my friend had decided to join the list of bullies. Nope, enoughs enough!

That whole period in my life made me realise I was a magnet for bullying because I'd always been too nice for my own good. A proper people pleaser - I was happy if I made someone else happy/feel better. But I just made myself a doormat.

After my ex and her, I toughened up a LOT.

This is so shit though. It just made me feel that I'll not bother supporting anyone through anything any more, may as well end the friendship without expending the effort of being someone's emotional crutch. Yeh they'll probably bitch about me being a shit friend and moan how nobody supported them and all, but if this is how people behave when someone does support them then what's the point?

I'm like some previous posters now. I do my own thing. Self sufficient. Chat to anyone. Happily go to anything I'm invited to that seems fun or pop round for a cuppa, but won't do anything I don't want to do. Won't wrack my brains thinking of things others might like to do then inviting them, only to end up with the drama of people pulling out, chasing people for money, trying to arrange a day we can all make and all the other hassles. I invite people round for a cuppa instead now. Happily share my life with anyone decent who wants to be a part of it, but won't jump through hoops to keep a friendship going. If it fizzles out then so be it. Don't tolerate moaners now. I get people may be going through a hard time and may want to talk about it for a bit when it first happens. But I'm not listening to it for an hour every time we meet up for months on end and talking about nothing else. I'm supposed to be their friend, not their unpaid counsellor. If people start with that, I'm done

Why do people do this constant oh we must meet up, but never organise it?

@Gingercatlover it's considered good manners. A way of ending a conversation without saying, well I'm bored of speaking to you now so bye! I literally forget about it if anyone says this to me. Reply that would be great (if I want to see them) text me to let me know when you're free. If they do they do, but usually they don't and I don't chase it up. If I don't want to meet them I just say, absolutely! Then leave it at that and if by some miracle they do contact me I'll be too busy to meet.

They only messaged me when they wanted to borrow money, or to trauma dump.