Have been put in a really uncomfortable position.

[LikeYouWantIt]

We're on the brink of landing a huge contract at work.

I don't normally meet our customers face to face but as it's a government contract, our customer requested a visit to warehouse they're being supplied from.

Customer rep visited with me, and our sales guy. All fine, no issues. The rep then emailed me asking for various information and procedures. He replied saying "thanks, I owe you a drink!". Thought it was a bit clumsy on his part, but I emailed back "haha sounds good", then moved onto another work-related topic in the same email. He ignored the work related stuff and replied back "I'll definitely take you for a drink, it would be my pleasure. No backing out now!" I didn't respond.

3 days later, I got a Facebook friend request from him at 1am. I spoke to our sales guy about it, and we had a nosey through his profile. He has hundreds of friends, and his wife and kids are all over his profile. He's also the type to post pictures of his dinner, so assumed he's maybe just likes to add people on his socials.

I accepted, and you already know where this is going... I've managed to swerve his flirty messages up till now, while still keeping things fairly lighthearted, but now he's messaged saying he's coming back to the warehouse to "have an excuse to see me", and has pushed why I haven't responded to his messages.

I'm furious that this married man has put me in this awkward situation where I can't tear him a new one due to this huge work contract. I'm going to HR on Monday but how do I politely fob him off over the weekend?? I'm thinking I'll just have to block and ignore.

If networking is this normal, what has the guy done wrong then?

He sounds like a creepy, pain in the arse and the chances are he's chasing women all the over the place. I'd invent a boyfriend. You can casually drop this into conversation the next time he's in the office. "I'm sorry I missed your last visit, Dave - my boyfriend and I were away on holiday that week." Then go straight into work talk. Personally, I wouldn't reply to any more of his Facebook messages.

But if it's the norm and part of the working culture then why does OP say she's been put in a difficult position? If she's OK with it then surely just go for the drink etc

When do you hear if you've won the contract?
Hopefully you will win it and can then ignore him, and if he messages too much say "I can't contact you outside work, sorry, the company has strict rules."
I don't agree with the victim blaming on here but do take this as a lesson, you can be friendly and chatty verbally if you like but you shouldn't have accepted the friend request (you should have asked the HR manager about that, not the sales manager). You can always say "oh I don't really use FB much" if people send requests, if your security is right they won't know any different.
The HR manager's advice is not based on his great feminist beliefs, it's
based on wanting you to not have the option to sue the company for putting you under pressure to accept a prospect's unwanted advances.

I am surprised that wasn't clear, I thought she told the story in quite a clear, coherent way.

Oh she did that alright.

You and I just disagree on whether or not she's a 'victim'.

"Right that's IT. No-one's getting a contract out of me because Barbara refused my FB friend request and I'm hurt" 🙄

Thank you. I appreciate that.

I dont know what field OP works in, but many people here seem oblivious to the fact that going for meals or drinks is a part of some types of work.

FB would be a red flag for me - OP explained her rationale for this but I probably would not have accepted anything except a Linked In request from a professional contact. I dont like to use FB for anything except friends and family. The 1am thing is neither here nor there.

The escalation of flirty messages is where this has become problematic and that responsibility lies solely with the guy. Your crime comment is weird - none of this is a crime. But he has definitely crossed a line and I would expect anyone in the professional world to understand this.

Of course it’s not

@ScurryfungeSpuddle , @Pamspeople - see my last post. The guy crossed the line when he escalated to sending lots of flirty messages. This is the problem.

God knows why you accepted the friend request. That seems amazing ill judged abs unprofessional to be honest.

Are you going to block & ignore him now, OP?

I have been in the corporate world for over 20 years where networking is part of the job.

It is generally accepted that a man doesn’t invite a woman out for a dinner or a drink alone. Whenever I have been invited out to an event, dinner or drinks reception it has either been in a group setting I.e. invited to a table of 10, encouraged to bring a colleague, or I have been invited with my husband.

Sorry I don’t agree, the FB thing crossed the line, unless you want to move a relationship from professional to personal, then you don’t send or accept a FB request.

Do you really want one of your clients knowing your private life info?

Sorry but this.

Yes, and the original statement may have referred to that. However, I have also had a quick drink after work by myself, or had lunch with someone where it is just to two of us. Its not necessarily because the guy wants to have an affair.

Normally when I have given or received the comment of "I owe you a drink!", it's just an acknowledgement of someone having done you a favour and never actually goes anywhere. On the rare occasion that it does, this is normally with multiple other people, on the company credit card.

As I said, I dont add anyone from work to my FB. I would not add a work contact to anything except Linked In. But people can send flirty messages there too, and its this which I think is the heart of the issue.

You can't flirt with yourself.

I've had blokes try to flirt with me in messages and I've blocked them and that's that.

I'm not sure why the OP thinks he's going to back out of the entire contract that her place of work will suffer, just because she didn't flick her hair at him?

He probably tries it on with all women - casting a net and seeing who does/doesn't come up in it.

No I think by accepting something personal like FB, that was a “blurred line”.

So why did you ?

I agree but this guy sounds like predator who was testing boundaries. Again, the responsibility for this is with him.

@LikeYouWantItIgnore the people who don’t understand where the onus lies to be professional in this case.

I've had multiple customers and clients add me on LinkedIn which I have happily accepted. I did say to my sales manager that I thought this was odd. But given that he had hundreds of contacts and his wife is tagged in multiple posts, we (obviously wrongly) assumed it would be safe to accept.

I’ve got to ask why did you want this guy seeing your personal life stuff?