Exactly. In our home, adult discretionary fun time is in short supply, and to have it, you are directly disadvantaging the other adult.
Obviously neither of us minds! And we actively like each other to have fun free time. We offer time and space to each other and say you go, I'll do the dishes.
But the fact remains, that for me to take 3 hours away from home, I am effectively saying "Fuck you, George, YOU do dinner, bath, bedtime/taking so and so to gymnastics".
Therefore, if you acknowledge our free time as parents is a zero sum game, and you want it to come out fairly, going to the gym, doing the grocery shopping or being at work doesn't count as taking free time at their expense, you are both 'working'.
- I have to do this because it is good for our long term prospects, either health wise or financially.
- I will not be having a nicer time than you will be having at home. I have an obligation to do this, its a chore, its hard work, it's slightly unpleasant.
So if you just feel a bit overwhelmed and you don't want to officially "call in" your actual real free time allocation, you might pretend you are doing something more chore-like when it is actually something for you.
Why would one do this?
I don't do it very often but when I do, its because I feel my DH is better at simply handing off the home chores to me and taking his free time without guilt. It's a way of me getting that free time equally without having to be what feels confrontational about it.
But why should I feel confrontational? Isn't it perfectly fine for me to just say I'm taking some me time? DH would be delighted!
Well.
Deeply, I suspect it is because of male and female socialisation. I feel in my gut as a basic premise my time ought to be firstly spent doing what other people need, children principally. But it could be, say, waiting to open the door and put away the Sainsbury's delivery, or ensuring DH gets a lie in one day if he's tired. If there's a moment when nobody needs anything, or someone else is officially 'taking over my shift' and is 'on call', I am then free!! I let myself enjoy it, and do stuff for me. So ,if I choose to take time out from this ongoing sense of 'being on call', the choice itself comes with a small bit of additional labour - I have a gut feeling I have to get someone to 'cover my shift'. So it's emotional labour, checking that the other person can do it and that they're OK with it. Now, DH would NEVER not be ok with it!! But the labour of that consideration, approaching him to communicate about it, is a tiny extra thing.
It's not necessarily right for me to think that- I simply can't help it!
Conversely. DH feels in his gut that his fundamental state of being is to simply exist, for his own benefit. His life ground zero state is that he does what he likes, for himself. And every so often - very often in fact, multiple times all day- an external demand breaks into the time he owns. But once that task is done, he's back to thinking his time is his own.
In practice we are very equal in 'working hours' at home, he doesn't deliberately not notice things or have to be asked, like a dick - he is a functioning, responsible and kind human! But the mindset he has in his deepest heart is fundamentally different.
And that's why I would sometimes need to nick a bit of time back by pretending I am 'doing a task', instead of 'living for myself'. It is a way to even up my 'living for myself' time without adding to my load by checking with him that it's ok to take that time.
Gym= legit task. Cinema = living for myself
Grocery shopping =legit task. Playing with dog on the green and having wine = living for myself.
Coming home from work = legit task. Driving the long way and looking at a pretty village = living for myself.