This behaviour is it a sign of something ? DD 12 won't wear anything except one outfit and won't change for ned

[AmazingSummer]

It's been going on for ages and I've tried every which way to try and get her to wear more clothes she point blank refuses. She went with her sister to buy another pair of trousers before our holiday and got some jeans she wouldn't wear them .
She sometimes hand washes her t shirt in the sink she won't change for bed and wears them to bed.
I've tried every which way including germs of clothes etc. it's not the texture of the clothes and I'm pretty sure it's not her figure

She seems extremely awkward and self conscious when out and around people she doesn't know well. She would sit in silence rather than asking something

She's very aware she's out .

But then like a theme park with her sister she will relax and be more herself.

How does she get on at school @AmazingSummer ? I don’t just mean with clothes but also does she have friends and manage to keep up with school work and follow instructions?
Has she been able to tell you how she feels and why she won’t change her outfit?
iT sounds tricky to manage but could just be a phase and a rebellion against all the expectations of 12yos these days. My DD was a bit the same at that age.

xx

When did this start?

Is she stressed about anything? I often find with clothing that I get into a ‘uniform’ mindset, I have 2 or 3 of the exact same trousers, exact same top, exact same socks etc because they work, they are comfortable, I’m content with how I look in them and most importantly I don’t have to think about it, it’s the one thing in the day that doesn’t require a decision or any consideration at all I just put it on and it’s done. I get in to habits with food in the same way. If I find a lunch that works then I just eat it on repeat every day for months till I get bored of it or one of the ingredients stops being available. For me it’s all about freeing up head space and having something be easy and reliable.

Can you buy multiple of the same item or does that not make any difference?

Can you buy her more of that outfit? DD3 has ASD, OCD and ADHD. For a season she had a 'uniform' at home because it made her feel safe and she didn't have to think about what she would wear and how it would feel. So she wore leggings, a Kelly green Fruit of the Loom t-shirt, and a navy Fruit of the Loom jumper. Every day. But she had 5 of each, so she was always wearing clean clothes.

Now, as she's got better, she wears a variety of clothing again. She just needed that safety net.

Thanks well this is the issue is it just age related or a massive flag.

We were worried about her transition to secondary but she's got a nice group of friends she herself has said this is largely due to a sweet girl she already knew who is very easy going.

We had some pre meet ups before secondary with girls we didn't know and she was the only one stood awkwardly on the side...she was fine when that hurdle was over but she can't come forward .yes she's doing well at school.
No she won't tell me and I've tried to ask every which way and she snaps your not my therapist.
( She doesn't have one )>

Will she wear super soft joggers at all? My DD will pretty much only wear baggy, oversize clothes that are super soft, we recently got two joggers and hoody sets from Primark that were £10 a set. Might be worth a try?

@MamaElephantMama it was from h and m about two years ago and we can't find similar she's back to h and m and similar stuff and she refuses.

She's got joggers it's not the fabric , when her one outfit needs washing she will wear joggers and another t-shirt but won't go out until her other outfit is dry.

@Lougle how did she get better what changed

@InfoSecInTheCity funnily enough I do the same !
I have a stunning wardrobe and used to go to the ends of the earth to get the right top etc but now for work esp as I'm larger now ( 14) I wear a few items .
So I do get that .
But it's the point blank rigidity.

@BondAway25 i think since secondary school and she wears her hair the same way also

She won't budge.

I would be keeping an eye out for flags. DD3 really started to struggle around this time. Her capacity for masking got depleted and then the wheels really came off the bus. She was a grade 9 student. A real all rounder - very academic, talented at art, in the audition only drama company, in the audition only chamber choir, loved PE, naturally sporty. Within 9 months she went from all of that to being shut in her room, completely out of school, very unwell with OCD.

I'm not saying that to scare you, but I waited too long to raise concerns and I didn't shout loudly enough. By the time I was shouting, the school had no skills to help and in fact made everything one hundred times worse.

She's ok now. She's medicated for her OCD and ADHD, she's leaving the house again (although only with us), and she's now in a special school for young people who have had adverse educational experiences. But she didn't sit her GCSEs this year (she needed 18 months out of school) and her educational path will not be traditional now.

Can't help but have you tried vinted to see if you can get another set?

I wouldn't pander to this op. Iti s normal for them to be have a few outfits only that they wear, but not to clingy to just the one. Did someone tell her she looked cool in it?/ Are friends taking the piss out of her clothes? Tbh I would probably retire it. Take it to wash- tell her enough is enough and it's gone and wait. She can't never leave the house and she will grow out of it anyway so 🤷. Then take her shopping or give her some money and tell her to buy herself a few outfits. I know she's done this before and not worn them but that was when she had an option. If she kicks off she can get taken out in her joggers and t shirt. I do tend to be no nonsense with mine though...

Hmmm. This sounds quite familiar. Dd1 got very rigid in year 7. Not about clothes tight extent but that extremely stubborn behaviour and threatening tantrums thing really reminds me of her then. I remember lots of chats with dp as we thought age was on the spectrum. She’s almost 16 now and she’s much calmer. We have been on a long holiday and it’s occurred to me there have been no moods at all which is amazing!

she was a nightmare clothes shopping as well and it was a grim experience.
she grew out of it. Slowly but it did happen.

I hope your dd is ok and I feel for you

@AmazingSummer have you seen other signs that indicate ASD? We always thought DD3 was NT, because her sisters have more obvious ASD. But when we looked back, the signs were there. DD3 was always very sensitive to seams. She used to get extremely 'hangry' to the point that I had to do a deal with her that if I said 'eat' she would eat whatever I put to her mouth. She was a very good girl but did some 'naughty' things at school that she just couldn't understand were naughty. When she was asked to go to the head masters office, she didn't realise it was a bad thing. She was very socially naive so got picked on by boys. It all just got more obvious as she got older.

This is a helpful approach.

DD basically lives in football kit. I think it feels nice and soft.

I actually suggested to nearly 60 year old, almost certainly autistic DH yesterday that rather than moan every time his favourite M&S shirt wears out, he buys 5 of them if he likes them. This was a new concept!

It's not always so simple as 'no nonsense'. DD3 would be so upset by seams that she split her head open on boxing day because she tried on a new pair of knickers and got in a complete state. I used to carry her into school with her socks and shoes in my hands, saying 'I couldn't get these on her....' On Christmas Jumper day, when she was 8, I arrived at school saying 'she hasn't had breakfast, I haven't been able to brush her hair, she has two jumpers in this bag but I can't get either on, but she's on time.' The Head Teacher phoned me an hour later to say that she was wearing the silver jumper, her hair was done, and they'd snuck a chocolate brownie from the kitchen.

My dd was similar at that age, we just went with it, she had 2 exact same t-shirts she wore all the time. She's branched out now and has a few outfits she'll wear on rotation. She does have autism, both my girls were diagnosed while in early years of secondary school, it seems to be quite classic for autistic girls difficulties to become more obvious to outsiders at that age.

Just wondering what her h&m top is - ours was also from h&m, vaguely wondering if we might have a spare you could have if it's the same one!

I think it’s a comfort or security thing but she can’t be wearing the same clothes to sleep in and then washing them in the sink as she will smell and then it becomes a hygiene problem too.

Other kids will notice she is only wearing one set of clothes and in their minds it will mean she only has those clothes and they aren’t washed.

Like another poster said I would not pander to it as other kids can be cruel. I would buy her some soft cotton clothes and be firm with her and if that didn’t work I would think about having her assessed.

@Lougle at primary school she had about a two year friendship with a girl who I think now has serous issues.

Shed previously had a toxic friendships a girl we nearly moved school for .
That fizzled out when we moved class she made normal friends then unfortunately this other girl called her Amy got her hooks into her.

Now I have other DC and have broad experience of difficult people but I've never known anything like amy. It turned out she was comparing every single little thing with my daughter hair, face ,spots ( DD doesn't have any ) her abilities on everything ,put DD down when she did well on tests , controlled every project they had to do together. We had a few over forna sleep over and weeks before Amy was relentlessly asking DD where she would be sleeping.

At the sleepover I saw her slide over to DD and was telling her...where she would be sleeping in between. DD and the other friend. She told DD for open her gift first. At Amy party DD was told what to buy. For DD she was asked what she wanted then told it wasn't available and she would choose. At a sports day amy tried to organise us and he much time DD spent with us !!
( Nit ruee )>
She compared our houses ,said it was dusty her house bigger better ,her new school better . DD spent her pocket money on the wrong things she should spend on stuff Amy did etc . Relentless.

Every thing you could compare she did.
Now...DD did get fed up and start to push back ,other girls at school supported DD with her and dd showed incredible push back in the end taking back control and insight on this girl. This girl has initially love bombed her and gave her a necklace she then tried to control her with ! DD showed matrutity in seeing through that etc.

But the intense attention to detail and appearance in wondering if it's lingered.

I think her paternal grandmother has extreme OCD to the point we can't visit her anymore because it's too uncomfortable .

I am worried in case it flipped to food control or something like that.

• until quite recently we were lucky to have two amazing girls on our road one next door DD had a lovely friendship with. Didn't go to same scholls and I heard them playing all the time normal balance , I want to do this ,me that well let's do yours first then mine etc. Balanced ...normal. give and take

@MamaElephantMama

She doesnt smell at all.

Re other girls noticing I know.

It's definatly a comfort blanket and I've tried everywhich way

It's not about soft clothes the trousers she likes are not a soft material .