This behaviour is it a sign of something ? DD 12 won't wear anything except one outfit and won't change for ned

[AmazingSummer]

It's been going on for ages and I've tried every which way to try and get her to wear more clothes she point blank refuses. She went with her sister to buy another pair of trousers before our holiday and got some jeans she wouldn't wear them .
She sometimes hand washes her t shirt in the sink she won't change for bed and wears them to bed.
I've tried every which way including germs of clothes etc. it's not the texture of the clothes and I'm pretty sure it's not her figure

She seems extremely awkward and self conscious when out and around people she doesn't know well. She would sit in silence rather than asking something

She's very aware she's out .

But then like a theme park with her sister she will relax and be more herself.

I had a phase like this in my twenties. I'm my case it was autism.

@ThingsgetbetterwithalittlebitofRazzmatazz

It's so hard isn't it.
I'm wondering if it's autism the rigidity .

I will say that if you suspect ASD (and I do, from what you've written) and you don't have the means to get a private assessment, then I would start the process now. The waiting lists can be 2-4 years long. If you do decide to ask for assessment, use the Right to Choose process with your GP by finding a provider with a shorter waiting list.

I think you need to check for autism.

this sounds a lot like one of my DC. I’ve had to wash the same outfit every night so he can wear it next day. He is a similar age.

He has AuDHD. Academically bright, sociable, lots of friends, and high masking.

It’s even more difficult to pick up in girls, so would be easily missed.

DH, who has undiagnosed ADHD, OCD and some autistic traits (DD and DGD are diagnosed) does that - he bought three shirts and four pairs of trousers the same! I bought him a waterproof fleece for Xmas and he liked it so much, he ordered another one!

The neighbours must think he only owns one outfit!

He’s always going on to me about “his routine”, which apparently is hard to deviate from! He’s late 60s!

@Lougle I don't know because it's my normal

However it's nothing to do with seams or anything like that she's always worn any kinds of clothes before that she's liked.
It's not texture

She's awkward going out she won't be just told
.we are going here today and fall in there is usually lots of push back.
She worries about where we are going how long etc.

I try and reassure her and give her some sort of hook. I have to explain everyrhjng . Shes marginally better because many times shes been dragged to stuff that's pretty amazing ! So I have to remind her...remember when you refused blah
.and you loved it.
She gets frustrated if she doesn't get her own way. But does fall in when asked to do things i have to be careful not to nag

Extremely good at school always high high praise form teachesrs etc.

She's also very very pretty so I think people and other children do look at her which may make her feel self conscious.

For DD3 our timeline was:

-perfectionism with school work and unable to leave homework to another day
-refusing to drink in school times because she might need the toilet
-refusing to eat in school times because someone might comment on what she was eating
-refusal to catch the bus because a boy was mean
-development of tics due to stress
-couldn't get out of the car to go to school
-spending limited time in the SEN block
-worsening OCD symptoms
-adjusted timetable to take out PE and drama so she didn't have to change
-completely in the SEN block
-reduced timetable
-only attended for mock exams and exams done in a separate room
-complete non-attendance

Then she had a 9 month period completely out of school, followed by 9 months of her new special school trying to get her into school.

@BlueandWhitePorcelain but many people arnt fusses about clothes my DH doesn't care what he wears !

I used to but now I'm on small outfit rotation

As someone with late-diagnosed autism I would also say autism. It would really be worth getting her to speak to a good therapist who knows about autism in females and who won’t try and fix her thought process with CBT.

@tumblingdowntherabbithole how do I find one of those.

Doing this could also send her down a rabbit hole .

I think CBT can be helpful if it's Autism adjusted. DD2 had CBA and it's helped her to be aware of why she struggles, and it's allowed her to be kind to herself. She now has language like 'windows of tolerance' to explain why she can't do something one day but can do it another day. She understands that her 'social battery' is low, and that she isn't being lazy.

My Audhd dd was very like this, still is. Gets attached to certain outfits.

You keep saying it’s not texture or seams but unless you’re in her head, you don’t know that. Girls can mask incredibly well to the point that they don’t even know they’re masking - it’s only when a big transition happens (like changing school) that they realise they actually do struggle with X and can’t hide it any longer.

Except the vast, vast, vast majority isn’t and can have the complete opposite effect.

I'm like it (late diagnosed ASD) which is why I currently only have one pair of jeans. I find it really hard to buy shoes, then when I finally do, I wear only that pair. When it wears out, I want a pair just like it, but of course they aren't sold any more. I know the answer would be to buy two pairs, but when I first get them, I don't know if I'm going to like them.

@Lougle thank you .
DD definatly isn't that extreme but I am worried this rigidity could flip to something else like food .
Ie eating disorder. I will try that GP route....
Strangely I suspect older DD may have it but in a completely different way.

You’ll just need to see what’s available in your area - unfortunately you’ll likely have to pay as the waiting list for therapy like this on the NHS can be years.

It doesn't sound like a sensory issue to me, it sounds like social anxiety.

I think she will feel too 'noticeable' if she goes out in new clothes or wears a new hairstyle. She's trying to avoid drawing any attention to herself by trying to remain 'the same'. She is no doubt more relaxed if you go away to an area where she won't see her peers?

I am speaking from personal experience, my DD has been through this. It was very intense for a few years, and heartbreaking for me to see. It boiled down to an extreme lack of confidence around others of her age and a need to be 'invisible' to her peers. She hated walking past groups of teens. It has taken a long long time to improve but it got better as she matured and her peers matured (well, some of them). It's an issue that came from having a lack of self-esteem and confidence, and trying to navigate the horror that is the secondary school environment and all the bitchyness and judgemental teens etc.

We have worked very hard to help DD, we've helped her to find her passions in life, gentle activities that she loves outside of school, bolstering her confidence all the time and persevering very hard with telling her she is so amazing and deserves to feel free and to enjoy her life.

Lougle I get it but as someone who really had beautiful clothes people admiring my outfits it's now liberating to just have a few items that all match not fussy to put on etc...

It's liberating and cheap !

DH same now I do buy multiple of what he likes as well. .
When I first met him had wider wardrobe but in think we wer get older nearly 50 these things matter less.

Starting secondary school is a common time for ASD to become more obvious, before that point a lot can be put down to their age, but at that point the emotional maturity gap tends to widen quite a bit.
OCD is commonly comorbidity with ASD so it's quite possible that her paternal GM is autistic and it runs in the family as is generally the case.

For DD3, it was where the seams were. When she was 3 I got so frustrated by the apparent inconsistency in her likes and dislikes, that I took her to her t-shirt drawer and said 'if you can tell me why it's not ok, I'll throw it away.' She went through the drawer and said 'There is a bump here; this one is tight here; this one has a line here....' At the end of it, there were about 4 t-shirts left that she was happy with.

As pp said, it may be the seams and textures have always bothered her but because the rest of her life was OK, she could manage.

School holidays can be v hard for autistic DC.

Can you give her more of a schedule?

For example we went to a new place on holiday and the swimming had to be booked so I booked it for 9am each day (DD finds water very regulatig). It also got her out of her pyjamas!

It's not the seams.

Has anything happened recently that coincides with this starting? I’m no expert but could it possibly be OCD and this outfit is her “safe” outfit?

It really doesn't matter if it's not the seams. It's something that is so significant to your DD that she'd rather stand at the sink and hand wash her clothing than put something else on.

That isn't normal behaviour. As you've identified.

If it's any reassurance, I have 3 girls, all with ASD, and they are all vastly different in their presentation.