Friendship - Text Message Explaining Unexplained Distance

Original poster

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/08/2025 23:39

I think the message is self explanatory but I feel as though it just snowballed.

I thought i just distance myself during those years, not write back to every message, put distance between us but she would relent in messaging me so the distance became very obvious. With other acquaintances/friends, we could go our own separate ways, and then come back together years later. But it didnt happen like this with her.

She was also very anti - Catholic. I'm Catholic. I never confronted her. So 2020 just heightened our differences.

OP posts:

slipperypenguin · 05/08/2025 23:43

What do you want to get / achieve from this?

TheSlantedOwl · 05/08/2025 23:46

You could boil it down to:

Sorry I went off radar, I never stopped caring about you. I just found that my views on a lot of things (Covid, my faith) became misaligned with many people in my life, and I didn’t know how to be myself without risking conflict. I hope you’re ok and send love.

Original poster

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/08/2025 23:47

slipperypenguin · 05/08/2025 23:43

What do you want to get / achieve from this?

Thank you for your reply. I dont want her to think I ghosted her for no reason.

I also want to be able to look her in the eye if ever I bump into her, and that she knows it was never a personal rejection. I do like her as a person and I feel as though I never explained myself. I feel guilty. She is very liberal, I was conservative but I avoided deep topics of conversation to avoid confrontation...so I'm not sure she ever understood where I was coming from.

OP posts:

Original poster

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/08/2025 23:48

TheSlantedOwl · 05/08/2025 23:46

You could boil it down to:

Sorry I went off radar, I never stopped caring about you. I just found that my views on a lot of things (Covid, my faith) became misaligned with many people in my life, and I didn’t know how to be myself without risking conflict. I hope you’re ok and send love.

Shorten it down so?

OP posts:

StrictlySequinsandStiIettos · 05/08/2025 23:49

Oof. I know you are probably trying to protect yourself from rejection by saying you don't need to reply but it sounds bad and you sound like a fervent, pious antivaxxer (sorry, I promise I am trying to help not insult you). Give me a minute and I'll re-read it x

NotoriousABC · 05/08/2025 23:49

For someone who says that they don’t want drama, that message sure is dramatic.

Thunderpants88 · 05/08/2025 23:49

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/08/2025 23:48

Shorten it down so?

Show quote history

Yes. Less said less to mend.

if she wants to ask further questions she can but may not want to

TheSlantedOwl · 05/08/2025 23:50

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/08/2025 23:48

Shorten it down so?

Show quote history

Yes, your version is very long and intense. You’re using it as a cathartic moment for yourself, which she hasn’t signed up for. But a more concise explanation could be helpful to her.

TartanMammy · 05/08/2025 23:51

Honesty if I received this message from someone 5years after the fact, I'd think they were completely batshit an put even more distance between us. I probably wouldn't reply as I wouldn't know what to say to that.

Original poster

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/08/2025 23:52

NotoriousABC · 05/08/2025 23:49

For someone who says that they don’t want drama, that message sure is dramatic.

I really don't want to sound dramatic but I'm trying to cover it from all angles. I've spent about an hour writing it, and about 3 years thinking about it and how I should explain myself...hence its length.

OP posts:

TheSlantedOwl · 05/08/2025 23:53

Yes but that length is for you. She doesn’t need it. It will be oppressive to her in that form. A shortened explanation would be more boundaried.

Original poster

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/08/2025 23:54

StrictlySequinsandStiIettos · 05/08/2025 23:49

Oof. I know you are probably trying to protect yourself from rejection by saying you don't need to reply but it sounds bad and you sound like a fervent, pious antivaxxer (sorry, I promise I am trying to help not insult you). Give me a minute and I'll re-read it x

Yes, I an trying to protect myself from rejection but I'm not trying to start friendship up again, merely explain as I feel awful.

OP posts:

Original poster

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/08/2025 23:54

TheSlantedOwl · 05/08/2025 23:53

Yes but that length is for you. She doesn’t need it. It will be oppressive to her in that form. A shortened explanation would be more boundaried.

Ok, noted.

OP posts:

iwnfcg · 05/08/2025 23:54

She was also very anti - Catholic. I'm Catholic. I never confronted her. So 2020 just heightened our differences.

I'd just leave it in this case. You are never going to see eye to eye. I'm Catholic and have experience of this sort of thing.

I don't know what being Catholic has to do with differences of opinions about Covid.

I really think you should just leave it. I don't know what you hope to achieve.

Original poster

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/08/2025 23:55

TartanMammy · 05/08/2025 23:51

Honesty if I received this message from someone 5years after the fact, I'd think they were completely batshit an put even more distance between us. I probably wouldn't reply as I wouldn't know what to say to that.

This is why I never explained it to her.

OP posts:

StrictlySequinsandStiIettos · 05/08/2025 23:55

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/08/2025 23:35

I'm not looking for drama. This is something that has plagued me. How would you feel if you received this message from me?

I mean every word, its from the heart. I'm not sure how it comes across though.

I would see this friend 2/3 times a year but we would meet for a good few hours so it would be intense also. Here's the message....

Hi M,

How are you? I really hope you and the family are doing well. I’m sure your children have grown so much. The photo on WhatsApp is gorgeous. I'm sure you're so busy.

M, I've been thinking a lot and I wanted to clear the air and explain why I’ve gone off the radar over the past few years. I thought many times of messaging you but I didn't have the courage.

2020 was a crazy year, and it really really brought home to me how different my way of thinking and belief system was from others. I should have been more open about that at the time. Honestly it felt like whenever I tried to explain my views to anyone that it ended in an argument or I fell out with them (this included family and friends).

My views around Covid and the vaccines were very different to most people I knew. It was very intense, divisive and I felt that talking about it got me nowhere. So instead of explaining myself, I retreated. I couldn’t pretend so it was easier to put distance between myself and anyone who didn’t see things the same way. It was the only way I could cope.

Looking back, I realise I probably wasn’t fully honest with you before 2020 either, especially about how important my faith had become to me and I probably wasn’t myself. And when everything kicked off that year, it just made me retreat further.

I want you to know that I never pulled away because of you as a person. I'm not just saying this but you are a genuinely lovely person. So generous, kind and warm.

It was just that I was afraid our views weren’t aligning, and that I couldn't be myself, and it felt too intense a time to have those kinds of conversations. And then, as time passed, it felt harder and harder to explain it without it seeming awkward.

I’m not writing this to try to restore anything or have any expectations. I just wanted to explain honestly what happened and that it was never you. I do wish you all the best. I know this message may seem intense and there is no need to reply.

Hi M

I saw something today that made me think of you and wanted to reach out. I know it's been years and I'm really sorry I ended up out of touch.
It's a piss-poor excuse but I found COVID times really hard. I understand I was probably bloody difficult to talk to at that time.
I do miss you and think of you still. Hope you and the kids are okay. If you ever fancy a brew, let me know. I'd love to see you x

(With or without "and make amends" depending on how much you ghosted her).
Best I can do as this time of night but still better than yours. good luck OP. Take care of yourself x

GarlicLitre · 05/08/2025 23:57

You're basically saying you ditched all your friends because you fundamentally disagreed with their values. You fundamentally disagree with this friend, too, but she kept a line of communication open.

You can either leave her ditched or resume normal contact, leaving religion and science denialism out of it. It seems like you're pleading with her to come around to your way of thinking. That's hardly likely, is it, or she would've got in touch to tell you she's converted to extreme Catholicism and would welcome your evangelism.

Stop trying to manipulate. Either take your friend as she comes, or leave her alone.

TartanMammy · 05/08/2025 23:58

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/08/2025 23:54

Yes, I an trying to protect myself from rejection but I'm not trying to start friendship up again, merely explain as I feel awful.

Show quote history

So your aim is to make yourself feel better? I wouldn't bother. That's self serving and there's nothing to gain from it. What do you expect her to reply to that?

Original poster

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/08/2025 23:58

iwnfcg · 05/08/2025 23:54

She was also very anti - Catholic. I'm Catholic. I never confronted her. So 2020 just heightened our differences.

I'd just leave it in this case. You are never going to see eye to eye. I'm Catholic and have experience of this sort of thing.

I don't know what being Catholic has to do with differences of opinions about Covid.

I really think you should just leave it. I don't know what you hope to achieve.

I guess I could tolerate anti-Catholicism to a poing but when Covid hit, I just couldn't tolerate the beliefs of others (not saying I'm right or wrong). It was too divisive. I realised I just had to distance myself but it came off as rude.

OP posts:

Original poster

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/08/2025 23:59

GarlicLitre · 05/08/2025 23:57

You're basically saying you ditched all your friends because you fundamentally disagreed with their values. You fundamentally disagree with this friend, too, but she kept a line of communication open.

You can either leave her ditched or resume normal contact, leaving religion and science denialism out of it. It seems like you're pleading with her to come around to your way of thinking. That's hardly likely, is it, or she would've got in touch to tell you she's converted to extreme Catholicism and would welcome your evangelism.

Stop trying to manipulate. Either take your friend as she comes, or leave her alone.

Edited

I'm not trying to manipulate, or make anyone think like I do

OP posts:

Original poster

BoundaryGirl3939 · 06/08/2025 00:01

StrictlySequinsandStiIettos · 05/08/2025 23:55

Hi M

I saw something today that made me think of you and wanted to reach out. I know it's been years and I'm really sorry I ended up out of touch.
It's a piss-poor excuse but I found COVID times really hard. I understand I was probably bloody difficult to talk to at that time.
I do miss you and think of you still. Hope you and the kids are okay. If you ever fancy a brew, let me know. I'd love to see you x

(With or without "and make amends" depending on how much you ghosted her).
Best I can do as this time of night but still better than yours. good luck OP. Take care of yourself x

Show quote history

Thank you, that's a lovely message x

OP posts:

GarlicLitre · 06/08/2025 00:02

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/08/2025 23:59

I'm not trying to manipulate, or make anyone think like I do

Show quote history

Then why the pained explanation?

Why not just "Sorry I've been a prat. Despite appearances, I've really appreciated your staying in touch. Can I buy you a drink?"

StrictlySequinsandStiIettos · 06/08/2025 00:08

Sorry, just saw your update.
In that case, first answer nails it.
What are you hoping to achieve?
If not, reconciliation or forgiveness then what, closure? Leaving the ball in her court? The last word?
If you have no hopes of or even desire for a reacquaintance, not sure what the point is.
In which case:

Hi M
I saw your most recent profile pic and thought you looked lovely. I am so sorry I ghosted you. It was not your fault. I thought you would become annoyed with me as, in lockdown, I was using prayer to get through and I was struggling with what the government were telling us. So I ended up isolating myself further. Please forgive me BG x

(Miss out the last line if you want to).

Original poster

BoundaryGirl3939 · 06/08/2025 00:09

Its good to get opinions from others. Thank you. I will shorten it. I didnt realise how intense it came across, or how it may put her in an awkward position. I was only trying to honestly explain myself, and I'm not looking to resume the friendship.

2020, 2021, and 2022 were very intense...and all talk seemed to be of vaccines, covid passports etc. Seems silly now but that's how it was...for me anyway.

And i did fall out with people. I just didnt have the energy to go there as I knew our views were different. It was easier to put distance but I feel bad that I didnt explain.

OP posts: