Friendship - Text Message Explaining Unexplained Distance

[BoundaryGirl3939]

I'm not looking for drama. This is something that has plagued me. How would you feel if you received this message from me?

I mean every word, its from the heart. I'm not sure how it comes across though.

I would see this friend 2/3 times a year but we would meet for a good few hours so it would be intense also. Here's the message....

Hi M,

How are you? I really hope you and the family are doing well. I’m sure your children have grown so much. The photo on WhatsApp is gorgeous. I'm sure you're so busy.

M, I've been thinking a lot and I wanted to clear the air and explain why I’ve gone off the radar over the past few years. I thought many times of messaging you but I didn't have the courage.

2020 was a crazy year, and it really really brought home to me how different my way of thinking and belief system was from others. I should have been more open about that at the time. Honestly it felt like whenever I tried to explain my views to anyone that it ended in an argument or I fell out with them (this included family and friends).

My views around Covid and the vaccines were very different to most people I knew. It was very intense, divisive and I felt that talking about it got me nowhere. So instead of explaining myself, I retreated. I couldn’t pretend so it was easier to put distance between myself and anyone who didn’t see things the same way. It was the only way I could cope.

Looking back, I realise I probably wasn’t fully honest with you before 2020 either, especially about how important my faith had become to me and I probably wasn’t myself. And when everything kicked off that year, it just made me retreat further.

I want you to know that I never pulled away because of you as a person. I'm not just saying this but you are a genuinely lovely person. So generous, kind and warm.

It was just that I was afraid our views weren’t aligning, and that I couldn't be myself, and it felt too intense a time to have those kinds of conversations. And then, as time passed, it felt harder and harder to explain it without it seeming awkward.

I’m not writing this to try to restore anything or have any expectations. I just wanted to explain honestly what happened and that it was never you. I do wish you all the best. I know this message may seem intense and there is no need to reply.

I agree with this.

It’s been 5 years, and you’ve apparently spent 3 years writing a message when you don’t actually want her in your life. If you don’t want reconciliation why bother? I imagine any need she had for an explanation has long passed so why reopen an old wound for no reason?

If you do want to reconcile, say that - I’m sorry, I’d love to meet for a coffee and talk about it. Otherwise I’d not bother after such a long time.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I know it does seem batshit.

Its hard to clear everything up. She has messaged me every year since 2020. I think she is confused and maybe looking for an answer. The messages she sends are small talk ones, and I reply with small talk pleasantries. I had hoped she would take the hint but she didn't. That's why I feel like saying what I want to say but also terrified that she just won't accept it.

Yes my views are different to others but it was very polarising. I dont think I'm above anyone else but I need to be honest with someone if I'm going to have a close friendship.

I'm not saying this to slander her name but to give context. She was a bit fixated on the Catholic Church and used to imply those who took it seriously were weird. It was a huge part of my life. I think i was resentful of this and then when our polarising views on Covid came to light, I couldn't handle being on opposite ends of a spectrum. Instead of explaining and coming across crazy during the hysteria of 2020-22, I walked away hoping it wouldn't be obvious.

Do you mean she wouldn't relent in messaging you, as in even though you were ignoring her, she kept messaging?

Covid was a really difficult time for many people. Do you think she was hurt by your actions? Do you need to apologise to her?

Honestly reading it, it just sounds like you are needing to offload on someone who probably doesn’t really need to know why you distanced. It’s all about you and I’m not sure (having been in the position of the old friend) that I’d want to receive to a message like that.

I would rather get a message like the following:

”Hi X, I’m so sorry it’s been such a long time since we caught up. I’ve had a lot of things going on and I wanted to say, I hope you are well and miss the old days. If you ever are around and fancy a catch up let the know”

If you don’t want to be in contact with the person don’t use them as a method of releasing your own emotional burden on them. You can offer an explanation if you grace them with your presence. Something simple like this shows it wasn’t them, it shows you valued their time and that whatever was going on has passed.

Oh so you have been in contact since 2020 and it sounds like she still wants to be friends. Now I’m confused about whether you want to or not - surely she’d be happy to meet up if she’s the one instigating communication? Your original message came across a bit like you were blaming other people (including her) and playing the victim. After all this time I don’t think that would go down well - I definitely wouldn’t reply if I felt like you were still hung up on something that happened five years ago because most people have moved on from Covid no matter their views. Personally if I was religious and I knew someone disagreed with my religion and told me so then I wouldn’t want to be friends

It’s hard to clear everything up. She has messaged me every year since 2020. I think she is confused and maybe looking for an answer. The messages she sends are small talk ones, and I reply with small talk pleasantries. I had hoped she would take the hint but she didn't. That's why I feel like saying what I want to say but also terrified that she just won't accept it.

If you’re looking for her to stop messaging you once a year, your message won’t achieve that. Just stop replying to her small talk messages. Or directly ask her to stop messaging you altogether - simply explain life has moved on for you.

I don't understand why you want to clear anything up.
She sends you a message with small talk and pleasantries. You reply.
That's it for another year??
It doesn't sound like she's bombarding you with messages.

Does she know you are Catholic? It's odd for someone to keep going on about it and implying Catholics are weird if they know someone is a Catholic. (Here you can substitute any other religion or belief system or atheism etc).
If someone kept doing that to me, I'd not want to be friends with them any more because I respect other people's beliefs, even if I don't agree with them, and I expect the same respect in return.

Can you maybe explain to us why exactly you want to send her message? I feel like I'm missing the point here!

I have very, very different views to a friend. (vaccines, politics, you name it) . We were very close when our children were small but we drifted as they grew older.

We've re-connected and manage to see each other once a month or so and we just avoid contentious issues.

Easy to do and it's nice to see her again.

It doesn't have to be a drama

Yes. I had hoped we could just drift in 2020 without me having to explain myself. And then perhaps naturally rekindle years later when we had changed/matured. I've drifted from people in the past, and then rekindled without awkwardness as people go in separate directions.

She relented with the messages.

Yes, I would like to apologise for not explaining it to her at the time but im not sure how. I also dont feel we'll ever have a deep friendship, probably a superficial one as the honesty isn't there. I just feel sad it ended this way as she's a decent person too.

Honestly, it makes you sound like an anti-vax nutter, who is (somehow) trying to hide that behind the veil of religion. If that is the case, just send it as it represents where you are at.

I disagree. Someone I was very close to and who I supported during her divorce ghosted me. About ten years later she wrote to me and it was good to hear from her. It reassured me it wasn’t personal. She came to the christening of my first baby, since when apart from Xmas cards we have had no further contact (17 years now), and I have no desire to see her. It laid a ghost for me.

Hmm op why do YOU owe the explanation? It sounds like she was a sectarian bigot and you are allowed to walk away from friends who are conveying these opinions without explanation. You don’t see her sending any messages apologizing do you? Move on with your life and stop overthinking this. And work on setting boundaries for yourself with people

If I received that message I’d think the length warranted the seriousness of the apology. I don’t know why people are saying to shorten it. It’s not exactly a 1000 word essay, I read it in seconds!

And I think a friend who’d been treated fairly shabbily by you, but still continually messaged you as she obviously cares about you, would appreciate the explanation.

You might want to ask her to forgive you, seeing as that is that the crux of it, (and the heart of the Christian faith).

I met an mutual acquaintance some time ago who vaguely brought it up. She said...M always wondered what happened between you two, and is still there for you.

It felt as though it was something I wasn't allowed walk away from...hence me offering an explanation. I was surprised she spoke to others about it.

Dear friend
though we grew apart I think of you fondly and hope you are all well. It’s a joy to see your happy pictures x

Do we not all feel like this about former special friends - we all grow and develop our views and settle one way or the other don’t we - honestly? Not sure there is anything you need to say really she probably feels the same I am sure she noticed that you were growing apart and could easily guess why. In fact you risk devaluing what you had and you sounding like you look down on her choices and think your truth has more meaning.

If she’s been messaging you every year then send what you like. It’s obviously a thing for her as well.

I would say though that even if I were anti-Catholic I would keep my views from my Catholic friends because anything else is bloody rude.

Ok, that explains things a bit better.

I also wondered what you mean by:
She relented with the messages

I know what relent means, but I feel like it doesn't quite fit in with what you are trying to say.

I actually think the OP means that the friend is unrelenting with messages. I agree just I can make relented make sense in that context/explanation.

In 2020 and 2021 she invited me to socially distanced get togethers. I would politely decline but then not make an effort to meet in other ways. It became obvious I was distancing myself. So she sent a good few messages in the earlier years. Now she sends a 'hi, how are you' type message every year.

If what you really mean is that you want to explain the distance but don’t want to rekindle the friendship then your message doesn’t address that second part. If I received your message, as a friend who had reached out occasionally to try and touch base, I’d assume you were explaining the past in order that we could move forward. Whereas from what you’ve alluded to, you don’t want to open things up. You want her to stop texting annually and to not be in touch. If that’s the case, then hurtful as it will be, she deserves to know what you really mean rather than being given false hope.

So why do it now?
After so long she will no doubt, have moved on,leave her be.
This is all about you, not her, be honest.

The anti-Catholicism seeped out as opposed to her saying it outright.
She would subtly degrade people who took it seriously. It was hard to call her out on it.

Yes. Long rambling messages about yourself are really self indulgent, especially if unsolicited.

@BoundaryGirl3939 "She has messaged me every year since 2020"

is this like Christmas or birthdays or something? I've had a couple of those from people who ghosted me and I just ignore them.

I think by engaging with them you've probably caused confusion.

But yeah, if you're not prepared for her to want to meet up again, I cannot see the point. It seems like an exercise in assuaging your guilt in some way.

It would make more sense to send an explanation if she messages you again?