Friendship - Text Message Explaining Unexplained Distance

[BoundaryGirl3939]

I'm not looking for drama. This is something that has plagued me. How would you feel if you received this message from me?

I mean every word, its from the heart. I'm not sure how it comes across though.

I would see this friend 2/3 times a year but we would meet for a good few hours so it would be intense also. Here's the message....

Hi M,

How are you? I really hope you and the family are doing well. I’m sure your children have grown so much. The photo on WhatsApp is gorgeous. I'm sure you're so busy.

M, I've been thinking a lot and I wanted to clear the air and explain why I’ve gone off the radar over the past few years. I thought many times of messaging you but I didn't have the courage.

2020 was a crazy year, and it really really brought home to me how different my way of thinking and belief system was from others. I should have been more open about that at the time. Honestly it felt like whenever I tried to explain my views to anyone that it ended in an argument or I fell out with them (this included family and friends).

My views around Covid and the vaccines were very different to most people I knew. It was very intense, divisive and I felt that talking about it got me nowhere. So instead of explaining myself, I retreated. I couldn’t pretend so it was easier to put distance between myself and anyone who didn’t see things the same way. It was the only way I could cope.

Looking back, I realise I probably wasn’t fully honest with you before 2020 either, especially about how important my faith had become to me and I probably wasn’t myself. And when everything kicked off that year, it just made me retreat further.

I want you to know that I never pulled away because of you as a person. I'm not just saying this but you are a genuinely lovely person. So generous, kind and warm.

It was just that I was afraid our views weren’t aligning, and that I couldn't be myself, and it felt too intense a time to have those kinds of conversations. And then, as time passed, it felt harder and harder to explain it without it seeming awkward.

I’m not writing this to try to restore anything or have any expectations. I just wanted to explain honestly what happened and that it was never you. I do wish you all the best. I know this message may seem intense and there is no need to reply.

I think your message is fine. If one of my friends had pulled away without explanation, I would appreciate a message in which they’re trying to reassure me that the issue wasn't me. Don’t overthink it, at the end of the day your message has to come from you, in your own words, not in the words of some other poster on MN

I like your style! Short and to the point.
Do you want a drink with her, OP?
In which case, go for it. Worst case, she doesn't reply, blocks you or says no. Nothing to lose.
Good night and God bless x

I feel its too awkward to go for a drink, and it will never be the same, yet I feel she deserves an explanation.

Ultimately we're very different even though we like (or liked) each other. And I guess the relationship could only go so deep before an argument started.

She didn't like some of my views so I felt I couldn't be myself. Then 2020 magnified our differences. And now I feel as though I should have spoken up...but then I feared I'd be ridiculed. Esp in those years.

You clear the air if you’ve had an argument, you humbly apologise when you’ve ghosted someone. Apologies should not come with lots of self serving excuses like the ones in your message which reads as I know I haven’t been in touch but it’s okay because of all these reasons.

Sending this message serves you as you want to avoid discomfort if you bump into your ex friend. What does she get out of this? You’re letting her off the hook for your inability to handle differences of opinion in a friendship! Just wow!

You need to make peace with your own shitty behaviour without involving anyone else.

So you don’t want to see her or be friends with her.

Are you hoping sending this message will make her stop trying to contact you, while emphasising that it’s nothing she’s done wrong?

if so, you need to be clearer and much more concise.

IME people are far less interested in our own detailed explanations of our behaviour than we imagine.

Final thing...
I think Covid traumatised/separated/divided a lot of people. I'm still not over it myself tbh (Single mum, no family to share bubble with. It was hard.)
I will agree to disagree with you re vaccines, if you were anti, as I just think of Derek Draper and am glad it wasn't me. I also think Long Covid is a thing, not all do, but I am not personally swayed by vaccination damage.
However, I think given later reveals of Bojo parties and of how much fear was instilled, I think many who were hardcore vaxxers/lockdowners (as I was) are prepared to see the other side now, to an extent.
I know in retrospect, my own father (old, vulnerable) thinks it went too far (he nonetheless did make that choice not to see me for two years).
Sometimes it feels like the public reaction over Diana, did we all really respond like we did? But then I remember the actual global death toll figures.
I don't know love.
We all got through how we did.
I am not a big believer but I did talk to God a lot myself when I wasn't chatting on here!
Go easy on yourself. We are all human and to err is human.
I have lost touch with many over the years, not just the last three, so I think what you are doing is quite brave and - as long as you know a reply might not come - is going to at least close the chapter of rebuking yourself/intrusive thoughts.
Hope this helps you a little x

@BoundaryGirl3939 your comment about relenting in messages doesn't make sense

You're basically saying you ghosted her? So when was the last time you saw her?

And what's the point of this? If she approaches you and wants to re-establish the friendship, do you want to do that too?

She's more likely to just ignore it, but I can't figure out exactly what happened and if you've really thought it through.

When and what was the last communication between you?

If it’s been a few years and you aren’t interested in a relationship of any sort then let it go - the only thing that would be appropriate to send in that situation is a simple apology if you felt you owed her one and well wishes.

If it’s not been long and you’re sending something to try to “break up” with her then edit out the drama and details and keep it short.

Well, a colleague of mine met up with someone they ghosted. It wasn't awkward actually. They picked up where they left off.
So, I guess it comes down again to motive. Are you feeling the need to explain from conscience/because it still weighs you down/because God would want you to.
Or are you afraid just to block?!
If you have done a slow phase out, including Xmas cards, they probably have the message now. So if you don't want a reunion this could blow up in your face, as you are sending mixed messages.
Have a sleep on it and think about in the morning. As all here have said, short is sweet.
Take care x

Writing "clear the air" is like Monica saying "I'm breezy" in her voicemail to Richard.

I was ghosted by a friend a couple of years ago. I contacted her a couple of times just to check in but although she replied there was no other interaction. We used to meet for coffee etc so I have no idea why she basically ended our friendship.

If I got a massive long message like your op quite honestly I wouldnt even read it all. If I got a short message like pps have posted id read but honestly I dont think id bother replying.

Being dropped by a friend for no apparent reason is hurtful. You dont intend trying to resurrect the friendship - its unlikely shed want to after being ghosted 5 years ago - theres nothing to ge gained by contacting her other than making you feel better.

Leave it. The ship has sailed

If I received that text, I’d think that you were apologising for ghosting me and that you’d messaged with a view to clearing the air and being friends again. If you don’t want to resume the friendship then I’d think very carefully about who is supposed to benefit from you sending that text. At the moment, all I can see is that this is all to do with you wanting to get something off your chest, with less consideration given to how it will be received by her.

What if she understands your reasoning totally, is fine with you having done it, and wants to re-establish the friendship? You’d then have to find a tactful way of saying ‘No thanks, I think you were a bit of an arse and I don’t want to be friends anymore’. And how will that help anyone? Her first reaction is likely to be upset and ‘well what was the bloody point of messaging me’. It doesn’t sound like your intention is to cause her upset, so I think you need to consider whether you’re engineering a situation where that’s the most likely outcome. There’ll be no looking her in the eye if you ever bump into her after sending a message like that.

Maybe it would be more therapeutic for you to write it all out in a big long letter, which you then tear into a dozen pieces and bury at the bottom of the bin? Least said, soonest mended.

If you’re an anti-vaxxer, then you deserve every ounce of ridicule you’ve ever received. It’s a fundamentally selfish position that flies in the face of true Christian values - how can you say you love your neighbour when you’re not willing to get vaccinated and reduce your risk of passing deadly diseases onto them and their loved ones?

If I’d got that message quite late at night, I’d think you’d had a few glasses of wine and were over-contemplating.

If you want to still be friends, just say you’re sorry you haven’t been in contact. That these last few years have been hard for you. Don’t make it more complicated than it is and perhaps don’t say it’s because your opinions in life differ because this will never change.

Good luck!

It sounds very self absorbed. The RC church was fully in favour of the vaccines. So that doesn’t really make sense of you being an anti vaccination that it ruined your friendship. You sound a bit nuts.

I don't mean this in a mean way, but... does she even care? Maybe she didn't ever give you another thought?

I would just leave it personally. She probably doesn't even think of you. Plus, all this talk about "my views are so different" smacks of self-righteousness, and that you just could no longer possibly tolerate having silly little lost people around you that didn't love god or believe in whatever your Covid opinion was (and Covid feels like a lifetime ago, no one wants to keep banging on about it anymore).

Truthfully? It’s utterly selfish and self-absorbed. It’s all about you and your guilt and you needing to be able to look her in the eye and your feelings and your reasons for retreating and you needing to protect yourself blah blah blah.

If you feel you did her wrong: apologize. If you don’t feel the need to apologize, leave the woman alone. You ghosted her once, now you’re bothering her again to explain why you ghosted her. What do you want her to do about it? If the answer is nothing, why say anything? Because you want to feel better about yourself. Have you thought for a second about her? Have you thought about whether she wants to hear from you? That you might have hurt her? Have you thought about how she actually feels? How about “I’m so sorry I withdrew from you during the pandemic, when we were all going crazy with worry and panic and stress and trying to work things out. I am truly sorry for potentially adding to your burdens by behaving peculiarly and I hope I didn’t make life harder for you. I regret not being there to offer any support you may have needed. I think of you often and really hope that you and the family are thriving. All my very best wishes and fondness to you all.”

Your message reads exactly like the email (one person) and phone call (different person) I got from people who had gone to therapy and clearly had been given homework to talk to the people they felt they’d wronged in their past, in order to move forward with their lives. Both times I thought “what on earth?! where has this come from? why are they dumping all this stuff on me, after all they did before?” and then realization dawned.

Don’t send it. If you really care about this person, don’t send it. Don’t send anything other than an unmitigated apology, if you actually feel sorry. If you don’t, let it lie. You had your reasons. You can’t have it both ways, doing shitty things then trying to atone for your sins by dumping an unwanted explanation on an innocent party instead of an actual apology that might demonstrate you selflessly care about the person rather than your own guilt for past wrongdoings.

If you don’t want to be friends then why even bother sending it at all. Just trying to make yourself feel better.

Your message reads exactly like the email (one person) and phone call (different person) I got from people who had gone to therapy and clearly had been given homework to talk to the people they felt they’d wronged in their past, in order to move forward with their lives. Both times I thought “what on earth?! where has this come from? why are they dumping all this stuff on me, after all they did before?” and then realization dawned.

It really does. It's either that or she's confessed it to her priest and he's given her penance of x Our Fathers and y Hail Marys and suggested she write and apologize.

It’s too long and explains almost nothing. I’d either say directly what exactly your views are, or not mention it at all. Otherwise it’s just click bait/drip feed

I don't think I'm understanding the reason you drifted, tbh. I am a Christian and I have friends who think that believing in a God is utterly bonkers. It doesn't affect our friendship.

I have other friends who have differing opinions on things to me and I don't care. The only line I draw is on fundamental moral issues.

COVID vaccination isn't controversial now - move on.

This all sounds very intense and unnecessary. Why do you have to distance yourself from people with different views to you? How insular.

Chances are your friend has just accepted the friendship has fizzled out and moved on. Unless you are hoping to rekindle the relationship, I'd just leave it.

That sounds perfect.

Same, I'd also assume they had written from the heart, but chatGp.