Friendship - Text Message Explaining Unexplained Distance

[BoundaryGirl3939]

I'm not looking for drama. This is something that has plagued me. How would you feel if you received this message from me?

I mean every word, its from the heart. I'm not sure how it comes across though.

I would see this friend 2/3 times a year but we would meet for a good few hours so it would be intense also. Here's the message....

Hi M,

How are you? I really hope you and the family are doing well. I’m sure your children have grown so much. The photo on WhatsApp is gorgeous. I'm sure you're so busy.

M, I've been thinking a lot and I wanted to clear the air and explain why I’ve gone off the radar over the past few years. I thought many times of messaging you but I didn't have the courage.

2020 was a crazy year, and it really really brought home to me how different my way of thinking and belief system was from others. I should have been more open about that at the time. Honestly it felt like whenever I tried to explain my views to anyone that it ended in an argument or I fell out with them (this included family and friends).

My views around Covid and the vaccines were very different to most people I knew. It was very intense, divisive and I felt that talking about it got me nowhere. So instead of explaining myself, I retreated. I couldn’t pretend so it was easier to put distance between myself and anyone who didn’t see things the same way. It was the only way I could cope.

Looking back, I realise I probably wasn’t fully honest with you before 2020 either, especially about how important my faith had become to me and I probably wasn’t myself. And when everything kicked off that year, it just made me retreat further.

I want you to know that I never pulled away because of you as a person. I'm not just saying this but you are a genuinely lovely person. So generous, kind and warm.

It was just that I was afraid our views weren’t aligning, and that I couldn't be myself, and it felt too intense a time to have those kinds of conversations. And then, as time passed, it felt harder and harder to explain it without it seeming awkward.

I’m not writing this to try to restore anything or have any expectations. I just wanted to explain honestly what happened and that it was never you. I do wish you all the best. I know this message may seem intense and there is no need to reply.

Did she ask you explain why you ghosted her ? If not leave well alone it sounds like you are attention seeking

This is the kind of thing that people write in a letter and burn.

Absolutely don’t send it. I wouldn’t even shorten it.

Thank you for your empathy. Its odd how once close people were driven apart during the Covid years. Maybe cracks between people were already there. People saw situations through completely different lenses. It was so strange.

I won't be sending it.

Glad this thread has been helpful to you.

But you weren't that close?
There were already issues with her criticising your religion. That seems to me to be a pretty massive issue.

My closest friend was pro lockdown. She of lockdown harder actually. I was very anti-lockdown. I had the vaccination, but I was against the pressure for nurses, career etc to have the vaccination. I have heard from nurses and carers looking after my mum about how many people left because they felt they'd been treated like shit.

I managed to have that conversation with my friend in a civilised way too. It wasn't an argument that either of us needed to win. We just had to agree to disagree. However, she is now a point where her mother has health problems and if her mum needs carers, she will not be asking them to prove that they've been vaccinated against Covid. I think that's a change to what her position was in 2021.

Also, for what it's worth, by 2022, I think she realised that lockdown wasn't a good idea but at the time, she bought into it completely.

I do understand how hard this is. I suspect Covid and the related matters were not the beginning of the end for your friendship. It sounds like the other stuff was a pretty massive problem in the first place.

Something about your own behaviour has made you uncomfortable though. I suspect you are deflecting away from that. Might be worth having a think about that?

I had some friends disappear because they enjoyed the closed world and their little families so much. It's very hard when you realise you were just an extra in someone's life, when you thought that you were important to them.

I do see how people are still dealing with certain amounts of damage. I'm not unsympathetic to your situation. I just think you're handling it a little bit strangely.

I'm glad you've changed your mind about sending the message.

It is great to hear everyone's opinion. People seem to think i have certain motives but in all honesty I liked her, and didn't want her to feel rejected. She seemed to value me as a person so I felt terrible.

Perhaps I overthought it too much and she hasn't really thought of me as much as I imagine.

I think ultimately we reached a dead end before then but 2020 sped up the demise. She knew my views and perhaps under the surface I irritated her but she didn't let on.

I am grateful for the advice. I'm not going to message her. If ever she does ask, I will explain. I don't wish to make this about me but I need to forgive myself and move on. It was what is was, and nobody actively went out of their way to hurt anyone else. These things happen and maybe I made a mountain out of a molehill.

We weren't that close but she came from a community were image matters and I felt like she would or could open up to me. We knew each other for years too but rekindled the friendship in adulthood so it didn't feel like a fleeting acquaintance-ship. She went above and beyond in some ways as that's her nature.

I'm friendly with others who don't share the same views as me and would even have a laugh abut our thoughts. She was quite militant under the surface though. I noticed she was fixated on practicing Catholics in her community and her perceived shortcomings of them. Some of the comments were cruel and unnecessary. I should have spoken up but let it slide.

I knew she'd be militant about other beliefs and feared she'd talk about me too.

I guess I feel conflicted as in many ways she was decent in her behaviour but I knew deep down there was nothing there between us. I need to look internally, I agree.

We did actually meet in the aftermath of Covid and I realised that she did take the stance I suspected her of taking (which was fine) but I didn’t feel safe disclosing my stance. I knew then that it was just too much work. She messaged me numerous times since then...hence the guilt and me wondering if I should just say it. I won't though.

Have you confessed this to your priest?
It might help you to get closure on it and be able to forgive yourself.

I have (had…) a friend who distanced herself from me in a similar fashion as the OP and I would be so relieved to receive a message like that. I keep thinking what have I done wrong to deserve being dumped without an explanation. It’s very upsetting not knowing.
i also agree that a slightly more concise version would suffice but you write whatever you feel the need to share, OP.

I hasten to add that I don’t think I’ve behaved like OP’s friend, and that I never had a reason to suspect me and my friend had many opposing views, quite the contrary.
Anyway I caught up with the thread properly and saw you decided not to message her - fair enough, under the circumstances.
You sound like a very thoughtful person OP

I haven't. I have a priest in mind who may understand if I were to see him. I do want to let it go.

I did think about confessing before this, and not to sound righteous, but I couldn't figure out what I had morally done anything wrong. I distanced myself from someone who wasn't on the same wavelength as me and didnt explain myself out of what I saw as self-protection. A busy priest might hurriedly tell me to let it go and move on but I know of some harder-to-get priests who may understand.

I think this comes across as arrogant tbh. You ghosted this woman in 2020 and 5 years down the line want to reassure her its not you its me. Normally id say dont ruin a perfectly good apology with an explanation but tbh it doesn't really seem apologetic.

Are you trying to reassure her, or are you trying to absolve yourself of the guilt of behaving badly? Which you did!

I say, as a fellow Catholic, you could have said to her please dont bash my faith so much I accept we have differing views but its upsetting to hear you be so personal about something so fundermental to me.

And im assuming your covid views were controversial (I am not a fellow antivaxxer) but you could have said nothing or talked to her. Becuase you didnt actually give her the chance to appreciate and understand your view even if she didnt agree with it. You judged, acted accordingly and 5 years later think so much of yourself as to assume your explanation that there isnt anything wrong with her would be welcomed. Whilst confirming you want to continue not being friends ps lovely photos.

Id tell you to shove your judgey preachy explanation and well wishes... well you can guess. Because id be so affronted after all this time you could be so condescending and false with the my how the kids have grown but arent we too different to be friends. Id be hurt youd only come back to be so rude and self-focused.

And if that isnt your intent I think you should reflect on your actual goal here. And who's wellbeing youre actually considering. And if you arent sure talk to your priest, ask for guidance. Which may be to leave it alone if you've no intention of making amends.

You judged someone without giving her a chance, and treated her accordingly.

You punished a previously good friend with unexplained silence for an err against you that didnt happen (she wouldnt be understanding of your differing views) and might never have happened.

You removed your love because it made you feel more comfortable.

Alright its not up their with though shalt not kill but its important to kind, loving and generous. And someone you were once close with may not feel you gave them that, and youre worried about that so wanting to go to confession to move forward is completely reasonable

And a busy priest, who dismissed you when this is weighing on your conscience isnt a very good one. Love thy neighbour, was one of the greatest teachings of Jesus. And you intentionally or not may have hurt your friend and deserve a patient and attentive response from a representative of God.

Yes. Shorter version if anything.
I hear it is unfinished business for you but chances are she has moved on.
You need to come to terms with the way you behaved.

@BrainSurgeon I appreciate OP situation is a bit more complicated because they have been in touch

But if someone got in touch with me after a few years of ghosting, I'd just be really pissed off. And in this situation, OP doesn't even want to rekindle the friendship.

I'm interested to hear that you would be relieved to get this kind of message.

Vaccines did not stop transmission, they helped reduce impact if infected with virus

Gently, if you’ve really been thinking about this for three years before composing a long and intense message (which I’m glad you’re not sending) you might need a bit of extra help? It’s not really normal to ruminate on something like this for years - are you prone to anxiety?

It reads a bit like ‘ner ner, I was right all along and everyone is mocking lockdown now and agreeing with it but I just want to point out that I already had the right idea’

Honestly, I thought the theme was going to be about being GC and the Supreme Court ruling and SEE I told you I was right all along.

Either way it reads to me as coming from the spirit of wanting to prove you were right all along and the political landscape supports you now so it’s safe to throw it in her face.

Religious discrimination is not ok, either, and I’m sorry you experienced that but it’s something you could have said at the time.

What’s wrong with having friends who hold different views to yours.

I like this. Short and hits the points.

Op, I think this shortened down version if perfect. Your message does go on a bit and a little repetitive. If you aren't expecting anything back then I would definitely just send this - or nothing at all.

If you really feel you need to explain this does it in a much more measured way that I would certainly find easier to read. The original is a bit of an outpouring and I wouldn’t know what to do with it really.

It is a very different situation to OP’s.
I would just be relieved to know it wasn’t me doing or saying something that caused the ‘ghosting’.
I don’t want to derail the thread - having been through a few stages of grief by now, I just thought I’d let OP know that it might bring some sort of closure to the person being ghosted (if they are anything like me, that is).
You may be right and it might be too late, but these things are very personal and obviously not knowing the people involved it’s hard to give advice