Friendship - Text Message Explaining Unexplained Distance

[BoundaryGirl3939]

I'm not looking for drama. This is something that has plagued me. How would you feel if you received this message from me?

I mean every word, its from the heart. I'm not sure how it comes across though.

I would see this friend 2/3 times a year but we would meet for a good few hours so it would be intense also. Here's the message....

Hi M,

How are you? I really hope you and the family are doing well. I’m sure your children have grown so much. The photo on WhatsApp is gorgeous. I'm sure you're so busy.

M, I've been thinking a lot and I wanted to clear the air and explain why I’ve gone off the radar over the past few years. I thought many times of messaging you but I didn't have the courage.

2020 was a crazy year, and it really really brought home to me how different my way of thinking and belief system was from others. I should have been more open about that at the time. Honestly it felt like whenever I tried to explain my views to anyone that it ended in an argument or I fell out with them (this included family and friends).

My views around Covid and the vaccines were very different to most people I knew. It was very intense, divisive and I felt that talking about it got me nowhere. So instead of explaining myself, I retreated. I couldn’t pretend so it was easier to put distance between myself and anyone who didn’t see things the same way. It was the only way I could cope.

Looking back, I realise I probably wasn’t fully honest with you before 2020 either, especially about how important my faith had become to me and I probably wasn’t myself. And when everything kicked off that year, it just made me retreat further.

I want you to know that I never pulled away because of you as a person. I'm not just saying this but you are a genuinely lovely person. So generous, kind and warm.

It was just that I was afraid our views weren’t aligning, and that I couldn't be myself, and it felt too intense a time to have those kinds of conversations. And then, as time passed, it felt harder and harder to explain it without it seeming awkward.

I’m not writing this to try to restore anything or have any expectations. I just wanted to explain honestly what happened and that it was never you. I do wish you all the best. I know this message may seem intense and there is no need to reply.

Thanks for the messages everyone. I'm not going to send anything.

I know some people think I feel as though I'm above her and self absorbed. That's not how I mean to come across. I just thought it would be better to explain it so that she could release any confusion, and we could both move on.

I think I need to forgive myself. Someone mentioned writing a letter of apology but tearing it up into little pieces

Having read your updates, your initial message to your friend is disingenuous. What you’re now saying is you don’t like the way she talks about religion and you distanced yourself. It’s okay to feel that way.

Next time she messages, if you don’t want to keep in touch with her either don’t reply or reply and be clear and honest.

Hey M, thanks for your message, in the past I’ve felt really hurt by your comments on religion. I don’t think we should stay in touch.

Thank you. Yes, the cracks and uncomfortableness was there for me pre 2020.

I'm not sure she ever realised how anti-Catholic she came across. She was also fixated. She never challenged me outright but made comments. I'm not sure if she realised how I felt.

The mistrust was there under the surface. Covid perhaps multiplied or exacerbated my resentment, or perhaps it offered a way out. She didnt appear to accept to quiet distancing.

Don't message. Talk to her.

If you have very obvious, wildly opposing views on things as personal and emotive as vaccinations and religion, I guarantee you that your friend already knows exactly why you've fallen out, and is probably secretly quite relieved. Just leave it.

If you knows you are a Catholic she was doing this deliberately.

This is perfect. Your message is too waffle-ridden and likely to offend. This version is just the facts ma’am. You could add in something like ‘despite being off the radar, I’ve always valued you and your friendship. Hope you’re keeping well.’

I would normally agree with this, but because OP doesn't want to resume the friendship, it seems totally pointless. But the message is pointless too.

This is really what Mumsnet is for - it’s a strange question (sorry OP) but so great everyone is honest and helpful. Glad you’re not sending anything.

This is good OP, if you change your mind.

Would tweak it a bit as you have been in touch, albeit not as regularly as before.

Totally get why you'd want to send it.

Too long and too emotive.
Sounds like you care too much about what friend thinks.
I personally wouldn’t do anything.
Had she reached out to you at all ??
That usually says slot about where a relationship is at.

So ,you sent that message to all your friends
As that reads to me ,you put distance between yourself and all your friends and family.
So I would think you stopped bothering with everyone in your life
If you didn't,then it doesn't explain why you ghosted her

I disagreed with things in covid and the way things were managed when many of my friends were die, hard rule followers, and saying we were going to kill everyone if we didn't stay locked up in the house all day, every day

But you know what, it was five years ago. It's all but a distant memory. We muddled through.

If I got a message like that from somebody all this time later, I'd either ignore it or give it a thumbs up emoji

Came to say this. It's been too long and you're sending this for yourself, not her

Anyone thinking they’re being clever by using the term ‘anti-vax’ on here need to have a serious word with themselves.

Intense bordering on the slightly bonkers. I would not find it easier bumping into you after that.

If you want to explain yourself so that you feel better about it, can’t you just go to confession? Why are you involving this woman?

I used anti-vaxxer upthread, as the OP came across in her opening post as though she'd held controversial opinions. Like it or not, the majority globally were pro-vaccination and the term anti-vaxxer defines someone who is opposed or hesitant due to distrust or misinformation. That was the more contentious viewpoint.
It's a term which exists because anti-vaccine activism exists. Both sides of that particular debate, same as Brexit, won't usually find a compromise.

Absolutely.

Did you read the thread?

this

this

Absolutely no reason to send this message if you don’t want a response or to restart the friendship. It doesn’t matter how you word it.

Yes I would too.

I would feel like you got pretty radicalised…

ETA retracting this based upon some of your follow ups - it was in response you how your original post came across.