The Let Them Theory

[Oscarsmom71]

Just starting to read this book by Mel Robbins.
Has anyone read it and applied the theory and it’s worked.
I’m intrigued because I think its a great concept and I’d love to apply it to my life but part of me thinks its not as easy as it sounds.
Is it easy just to stop things/people bother you by saying Let Them.
Interested to hear any thought from anyone who has read it.

Have you read 'Illusions' by Richard Bach?

One of its central messages is you can't control other people but you can control your reactions to them. I've actually found it quite helpful at times.

I don’t think it’s about getting rid of your feelings (though knowing Mel Robbins, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s oversimplified it).

Just more about accepting that you can’t change other people, and that you need to pick what’s right for you in life. So if someone’s being a dick, by all means feel upset about it and attend to your feelings, but move your attention to other people who are more capable of giving you what you need in relationships.

No and I think that’s the idea behind Let Them.
ie if people don’t like you Let Them etc, You can’t control people or their emotions or feelings so why try to change them.
But I think if applied to close relationships it’s much harder.
For instance I couldn’t care what my neighbours think of me but I do say for instance what my family think.

I don’t think it’s much about saying “let them” as recognising you can’t control what other people do and, even if you think you know them well, you can’t truly know someone’s motivations. Ascribing a motivation can leave you feeling anxious, because you think they’re doing it to you in some way instead of recognising that people do what they do, it’s usually about them meeting a need for whatever.

There’s no magic in the words “let them”. Instead of bothering about what someone’s doing I find it helpful to ask why it bothers me so much - ie what am I invested for. Working that out lets me let it go.

I’m reading it too. I’m not far in, and hope she’s going to move on to how you don’t let other people’s behaviour bother you. It’s one thing accepting that you can’t change it, but another not being hurt by it.

For instance I couldn’t care what my neighbours think of me but I do say for instance what my family think

That’s because presumably most of the time you have a good relationship with your family, and want they to continue.

If you had a family member who was always criticising you, you’d either distance yourself or start ignoring the comments.

If your family don't like you the only thing you can do is reflect on why and see if you think it's justified and make adjustments based on that. There's a great power in understanding and realising your own autonomy. No point in wasting time trying to change things you can't. The only thing you can control is your own behaviour and actions.

Or you’d reflect on their criticism, decide whether it felt valid and make changes if needed.

I've never read it but kind of got to the same point in my life a couple of years ago and am much better for it. My simple philosophy is, if someone is being a dick/rude/difficult/whatever, I simply have nothing more to do with them. I no longer try to explain that they've hurt me or upset me or behaved badly. I just remove myself from them.

It would be lovely if she gave Cassie Phillips recognition (and some royalties) for the original poem. Plagiarism is not cool.

I have the audio book and listened to it a few times. Now I dip into the chapters when I need to.
It’s based on Let them, Let me. It takes the shift away from putting your energy into the negative emotional reactions and using it towards better decisions. The premise is that you let people do what they will as you can’t control it so you let them. You shift your focus on what you can control - your reactions/emotions/steps you’re going to take to deal with the situation. I have found it massively helpful, I work in a high stress environment and it’s helped regulate my stress levels and ensure I make the right decisions fast, taking emotions out of the equation.
I’m a bit Mel fan and I genuinely feel this book has been life changing. I was going through a rocky patch in my marriage, the book really opened my eyes and helped me shift my thinking.

Same. Have an ex-friend who used to dramatically fall out regularly with her sister and others. She tried to fall out dramatically with me, but I didn’t bite/just cut her out of my life and blocked her. I knew from order people v that she wants to reach out to me, but I simply can’t be bothered with her and give my attention to people who I enjoy spending time with.

I'm one of those people that comparative strangers randomly confide in. The flip side of having an approachable face is that angry loons often choose me to rant at. Friends have expressed amazement that it really doesn't bother me - it doesn't, I'm even quite interested sometimes!

I've always known that ranters, ragers, wailers (and screamers at the Sistine Chapel) are doing their own thing. If there's a nugget of truth in their histrionics, it could be worth later consideration but the emotion explosion is all about them. In fact, it's often literally about them: their accusations are quite likely to be self-criticisms misdirected outwards.

I couldn’t care what my neighbours think of me but I do say for instance what my family think.

Same. If you think your family member's right to criticise you, take it on board and be gracious about it. If you disagree with them, that's all there is to it - you disagree. They have a right to express their opinions; you have a right to feel differently.

I haven't read "Let Them" but was very pleased when it came out - I hadn't realised so many people were so distressed by other people's thoughts & feelings. It's great that there are now books and podcasts, etc, giving everyone permission not to care about stuff they don't need to care about!

There’s a long standing philosophy that’s already covered all this ground and it’s called Buddhism. It’s like when mindfulness suddenly became the answer and lots of people made money writing books about it.

I don’t think that’s realistic though, some things that people do are hurtful - because you’re in a relationship with them and presumably care about them. We can’t go through life never being bothered or upset by someone else’s behaviour, but we can decide who has that place in our life.

There are people in my life who could hurt me deeply, there are others I literally don’t care what they think about me or what they do in their own lives. I think never having an emotional response to others is honestly as unhealthy as caring about every single thing.

I again would like to know more about how you do this. So I have a close family member with an addiction. So if I ‘let them be’ that’s fair enough, but if they die it will impact me, impact my kids massively and leave them and me with lots of shite to deal with, not as easy as just ‘letting them’

It's more about making sure you're ok with your role in their life. It's not about not supporting people, but accepting it's our choice to give our time and energy in a situation.

I think any theory has it limitations, and Let Them seems to be very trendy just now but it’s a very simplistic way of looking at relationships. In your situation you can’t stop an addict doing what they do, but of course you’re going to be worried for them and aware of the impact on you and the wider family.

Yes, of course. That's why the "three C's" are so crucial to the family & friends of addicts.

If they have an addiction, you probably don’t have much control over whether they live or die do you?

“Let them” is about accepting you can’t do much to prevent another adult drinking/taking drugs.

‘Let them’ has been life changing for me.

It has dialled down my anxiety, made me less self critical and resulted in me being much more relaxed in a range of friendships and relationships.

I first listened to it (Audible) at a time when I was being consistently ‘Queen Bee’d’ by a friendship group. I took a huge step back, and started to see their behaviour for what it was. I realised it was really nothing to do with me but a reflection of their insecurity and attempts to control everything.

Adopting the ‘Let Me’ message in the book, I have put the efforts into other friendships. The time I previously spent ruminating on what I might have done wrong with the Queen Bee hive, is now spent enjoying other friends.

Similarly taking a step back in some family relationships has made them more relaxed and equal in terms of effort.

There are only a handful of books that have real impact in my life and this is definitely one of them!!

I agree with it in principle, and not letting it control you. But in reality, we are obviously always going to worry or wish we could change things/ them.

Is it about not engaging about things that annoy you, instead of constantly saying don't do that, or I don't like that, or why are you doing that, you just think OK that's what they do, like it or lump it, no point making a big thing of it because that only makes me angry, sad, disappointed, etc. I do practise that a bit and it does reduce anxiety levels and promotes a more peaceful atmosphere. You rarely actually change anybody else you can only change your reactions, if things are really a deal breaker then you do have to deal with that.

I think it is a helpful starting point for someone with an anxious attachment / people pleasure / rejection sensitive type of personality to start to look at ways to break the pattern of trying to fix or control other people.

it shifts the focus to what you can control, which is how much of your attention you are willing to give someone and when to pull away and focus on yourself.

It may be impossible not to worry @Meltyourpopsicle but accepting it's not actually going to change anything is the first step in potentially choosing to use your time differently, or not, it's up to you. The power is in accepting that your only choices are the ones in your control and making the best ones for you.