The Let Them Theory

[Oscarsmom71]

Just starting to read this book by Mel Robbins.
Has anyone read it and applied the theory and it’s worked.
I’m intrigued because I think its a great concept and I’d love to apply it to my life but part of me thinks its not as easy as it sounds.
Is it easy just to stop things/people bother you by saying Let Them.
Interested to hear any thought from anyone who has read it.

Oh yes, absolutely. I still get confused, upset, annoyed, hurt etc but I just quietly step away from the drama of it all. It's not a 'one strike and you're out' thing. I don't just simply cut people off but I recognise patterns of behaviour much sooner and I don't allow myself to be exposed to any anger/toxicity/selfishness/whatever. I just quietly leave them to it. For instance, I have a friend who runs very hot and cold. Previously, I'd internalise that and fret I'd done something wrong and ask her if everything was OK and basically be an overly anxious people pleaser. I just let her get on with it now. I never instigate contact, I don't suggest meet ups or ask how she is. I just let her get on with it. I'm civil if I see her or she messages but I don't invest anything of myself in to her.

I’ve found it wonderfully freeing. I was stitched up a few years ago by someone that I thought was a friend. At one point she said “it’s not personal” and I raged (internally). Of course it’s personal, I’m a bloody person. But then I realised that it really wasn’t, she was just a cunt and she’d move on and stitch someone else up. I had concerns that she’d badmouth me behind my back but then I thought let her. She can say what she likes and the people that believe her had no place in my life anyway. Some did so I now know I can’t trust them, and then she stitched them up.

Let them, let them show who they really are, then we can choose to let the go and create space for people who deserve it.

Yes, this explains it very well.

So many people live their lives completely entangled with the “wrongdoings” of those around them, putting so much energy into it, when there’s literally no point and people will still do what they do regardless of your opinion, so….let them!

You cannot micromanage someone else's life though and stay sane. You have to accept that if someone is an addict, there is very little you can do. I'm not suggesting you do nothing. Of course you can encourage them to get help and support them but if they're on a fast track to self destruction, you can choose whether you're going down that path with them or not. Ideally you wouldn't get involved in the first place or have children but failing that, you start to accept that you truly have little control over what they're doing and you start to take steps to put yourself (and children if applicable) first. I'm not suggesting it's easy but it's a skill you can learn. The first step is recognising what you've previously been doing.

I’ve not read the book and don’t generally follow Mel Robbins. But I’d say it’s how I’ve always operated. 😂 I don’t think it means to never let anyone’s behaviour bother you or to have any feelings about it. Of course, that’s a normal healthy human reaction. It would be really unhealthy and unnatural not to have feelings in reaction to other people’s behaviour.

But you can’t be controlled by your response to their behaviour and you can’t drive yourself into the ground mentally and physically trying to make someone act and feel the way you want to.

I have a family member who is quite unstable and manipulative. All live laugh love to the outside world, but behind closed doors, very much living a lie, deceitful, playing people off each other, to keep up appearances and a certain image and narrative. I wanted to help them get out of their unhealthy relationship and get some mental health support, but they just won’t take it. You can only try to throw someone a life raft so many times. If they truly don’t believe they need to change, then you let them. But you set boundaries that keep yourself healthy and well.

We are NC. I’ve let them live with the consequences of their behaviour. It does mean they are quite isolated. They’ll have no one (besides paid help) to care for them when they’re older. They have no family and few friends. My wellbeing is more important than theirs is - to me, anyway. So my focus is on me and that has positive effects for everyone around me, my husband, my kids, my friends, my extended family, my work, my pets, etc.

You can’t change other people. You can’t make them see how it feels to you. You can’t make someone have empathy or seek help. You can change how you let it impact your life. It’s about boundaries but also acceptance. You can’t have compassion for someone, but also say, nope, not on my watch you don’t!

So in every whatsapp group re house share/mums/clubs I note the group picks out two: 1. The worshipped/fawned over person undeservedly or not but they have power & status & all rush to reply 2. The hated, disproportionately mocked scapegoat.

If you are ALWAYS 2 you need to examine why. Dial back on any irritating neurodiversity or negativity (?) What if you are a weak, wet, sap doormat character with low group status? Assertiveness classes? Something else. Accept your miserable place? Challenge others?

Should we strategise & join the fawners re: person 1 in group as this will serve us even though feels morally wrong? Is this what most do in groups? It’s a smart move I think. Life a game?

I found this really useful when I left my last relationship. It helped me to a place of acceptance and calm to realise I couldn’t affect someone else’s behaviour and actions. Stopped me reaching out and going back yet again as just ‘trying harder’ never works when it’s one sided.
I ‘let him’ live the single life he’s always wanted without the required effort of a relationship, because in reality I wouldn’t have been able to change him into someone that wanted a life partner. Or even someone that valued me.
And ‘let me’ start to heal and build the life I want. It’s quite freeing to let go of the stress and worry.
It might not be new but it was really helpful to me.

Realistically there is nothing you can do beyond “I’m here for you, and if you want help I’ll support you”.

Addicts will do whatever addicts want to do. The result of their actions will of course affect you, so maybe Let Them in this case would mean accepting that they are making their own decisions and that you should start making decisions that protect you and your children from the consequences.

TBH trying to manage a loved one’s addiction is going to harm your children anyway, rather than teaching healthy boundaries and accepting that you can’t fix that person but focus on you and your children.

How does it work if say young adult teens behave badly, make unwise decisions, are rude or belittling?

Yep, I first started using this approach 30 years ago when I was a teenager first learning about Zen (which was also very popularised in the 90s - I’m sure I was reading a dumbed-down version).

There is a middle ground - I was much less angry at the world/happier in general, but I also put up with some really shit behaviour from boyfriends in the name of not reacting to things, when actually I’d have been better off telling them they were being a dick to me, or just dumping them! I do feel I found that middle ground in my 20s though, and it is working well for me.

DH’s mantra is “you are not your emotions” - so you can choose to feel angry about something annoying, but you can also choose not to, or to stop feeling angry when it is no longer productive for you, and your world will not end.

As a recovering addict who is also the family member of addicts, I disagree. Someone co-dependently trying to prop an addict up isn’t really helping them. Realistically, death as horrible as it is to say has less of a negative impact on family than active addiction does.

But people around an addict experience a lot of trauma from dealing with the addiction, trying to hold everything together, making excuses, cleaning up after their destruction, explaining away why they haven’t turned up to the school play or on Christmas yet again, and so on. Children especially benefit from not having turmoil in their lives, not from having a particular person still around.

I think what’s important about this concept is that it’s about having permission to hand back the heavy load to whoever gave it to you. It isn’t yours to carry. You didn’t cause it and you can’t control it. You can set it down and take care of yourself. I liken to having a life raft with only so much room. I could put the other person on it, but risk not being able to fit myself or my children. Or I could get my children on and likely myself. I had to accept that I couldn’t save everyone and we were all going to drown if I didn’t let the other person go.

@User14March it depends on your relationship and their age. If your current response isn't working then you need to think about why and what you could do differently. You could be curious and ask them why the current situation is happening and how you could work together to change it or go back to basics with family rules and consequences. It's about accepting the extent of what you can control and considering your role in a situation.

It isn't the let them the changing part, because thats actually something has always existed.

Its the let me part.

Its accepting that you have zero control over other people or situations.

The let me is considering what you do with that. Is it a situation you may be able to influence? If so do you want to?

Is it something you have to accept? And thats it.

Do you have other choices that you can make to change how you interact with the situation?

I’m currently in therapy called NLP which is exactly what you’re describing. It focuses on my responses, reactions etc towards other people’s bad behaviour with the main concept being that we have no control over how others behave.
It is very hard, but it works. For example, my husband says he can’t stand sitting around the house all day, let’s go do something! I reply, I’m just fine like this, but go ahead and go out if you want. He says: but the kids need to go out! So I’ll say, I’ll take them later when I feel like going out, feel free to take them with you now though.
Etc.

I haven't read it but I listened to a podcast on it (if books could kill). It's good but may possibly ruin the book for you!

I think it depends on your relationship with them, as a parent of young teens for me it means looking at the situation and objectively thinking if there’s something I’m doing or something in the dynamic that’s driving their behaviour and what I can reasonably change to help things along.

It also means recognising the things I’m not able or willing to change eg if there’s kick off because I won’t let them have their phones in the bedroom overnight, is that something I’m willing to change (at this stage, no). So how do I communicate that as a clear boundary, let them have their feelings about it while not getting myself stressed. It also means thinking about how far I let them go - eg aggression and violence are a hard line for me, so if they behave that way they or I leave the room and there are consequences when they’ve calmed down.

In older teens eg young adults it’s the acknowledgment that you can’t control their behaviour but they may need to live elsewhere because I won’t tolerate violent behaviour - choice and consequence.

Making unwise decisions is part of growing up, but I wouldn’t be bailing them out when it goes wrong.

Yes my reaction was probably a bit hasty as if people find the book helpful (and lots of people clearly do based on the sales) then it’s a good thing.

i first encountered Buddhism in my early 30’s in the aftermath of divorce. The meditation, philosophy and wisdom really helped me to detach from my problems and finally separate emotionally from my husband. My practice is patchy now but I still believe that with practice it works and as far as dealing with people goes I’ve probably been doing the “Let Them” theory for the last 30 years based on Buddhist teachings. However I do accept that it’s much harder with family and people close to you as I still struggle with emotions related to family so maybe I should give the book a go.

and yes I probably did the same as you and was a bit too passive in some ways as I thought it was all about not reacting. Buddhists would say that it’s about wisdom and it’s ok to react but it needs to be skillfully with wisdom.

Let them is acceptance that you can’t control others behaviours or thoughts, but I think the ‘let me’ message in it is key- as it guides you to do what is within your control.

for example I don’t care what a stranger does but I care what my daughter does/thinks so I will do what I need to do to keep our relationship strong because I care. Of course one day she might decide one day to never speak to me again and although it would hurt, I accept that I wouldn’t be able to control what she does so therefore I ‘let her’, but ‘let me’ look at my actions in that situation that led to that and accept responsibility, apologise and let her know I love her or move on.

on a different note, I used this the other day in the supermarket as someone in the queue behind me was really annoying me (think peri-meno rage!) and instead of internally seething, I went off on a other walk around the aisles and took myself out of that situation, it’s common sense but reminding myself I didn’t have to stay there in close proximity really helped!!

ooh tell
me more! Sounds interesting!

Other useful resources are Mark Mansons “The subtle art of not giving a fuck”. Or reading Stoic philosophy, Marcus Aurelius in particular.

I don’t think much of Mel Robbins, the let them theory isn’t even her work. She talks a lot of crap a lot of it taken from other people.

Thanks @Jellycatspyjamas & @DarkForces
Really good advice there I’ll take on board.

How might it apply to ‘group dynamics’ a necessary evil in life from school or work whatsapp to other ‘clubs’ in person? Do you strategise & side with pro Queen Bee fawners if it furthers your cause/gets you places or ‘just let them’ & stand isolated sometimes in a ‘right thing to do’ limbo & position of integrity.

I tend to do the latter but end up as bullied, scapegoat at times. Sometimes that’s hurtful & unproductive. It’s not always possible to remove self or mute group. I’ve noticed each group seems to have a hated figure of fun to some extent & worshipped icon.

If you want to make friends with those who’ve previously excluded you & created a side group etc for a few you genuinely like how does ‘just let them work’? Or doesn’t it. Realise all sounds very Y9!

I am guessing you just work on being happiest best version of self & things will figure out.

Very heavily stoicism based and can really improve your life if it works for you.

I really don't think it's quite so straightforward with children/teens. Your role is to help steer them and shape them, keep them on the straight and narrow and gradually and appropriately let them feel the consequences of their actions.

@User14March tbh how you respond is entirely up to you, but you are the sum of the choices you make. Personally I have some core values I won't compromise on and try to be the change I want to see. It doesn't always make me popular but that's fine. The people I spend time with are the ones who add to my life and value me for who I am, not because I've moulded myself to suit them. You need to think about what's important to you and then see what happens based on that. If it has consequences that you don't like you can accept them or try changing your approach.