The Let Them Theory

[Oscarsmom71]

Just starting to read this book by Mel Robbins.
Has anyone read it and applied the theory and it’s worked.
I’m intrigued because I think its a great concept and I’d love to apply it to my life but part of me thinks its not as easy as it sounds.
Is it easy just to stop things/people bother you by saying Let Them.
Interested to hear any thought from anyone who has read it.

Yes that makes more sense, thank you.

One easy response to that nonsense is to ask them to repeat it! Then you could ask them to explain what they mean ... this is the epitome of Let Them: let them show everyone what a dick they are 😏 (Remember to tell them their point of view is 'interesting'.)

Just sounds like a load of simplified nonsense to me!

‘Let them.’

no, I dont ‘let’ people get away with bad behaviour. But then I hate all kinds of navel gazing so not quite sure why I’ve commented 🤣

Good idea.

Me too - in fact l have been put in a v awkward situation just this week between 2 very good friends who are at loggerheads with each other - l know l could wave a wand and offer a solution but if l do that, it will come back and bite me in the future so although it goes against all my instincts, l am staying well out of it .

I wasn’t really thinking of children. More me!

Thank you. I think that’s helpful if you have someone ranting or angry at you. I have a “friend” who can be more calmly condescending and critical. She sometimes snaps out of the blue or says something when she doesn’t like the way I’m acting (just being me not doing anything awful). It’s usually one off critical or snappy comments. I find myself fawning when she does it. And it makes me feel terrible - I feel triggered and like I’m being bullied again.

I am working towards not letting it affect me (she is a firm part of my only friendship group so can’t really distance myself which is what I’d do normally). She does it to a lesser extent with others, but more with me. Tbh I don’t think we really like each other which is the issue but sometimes she can be really nice and supportive. I try to be kind and civil towards her.

Where I struggle is knowing how to respond. I can work on the emotions, although it’s hard as to me it feels as if it comes out of the blue and I’m surprised/shocked by it and therefore unprepared. My fight/flight system has reacted before I can even think about it. So I have been thinking about role playing it to give me some “automated” healthier go to’s. But I honestly don’t even know what that looks like. So that’s what I meant more by my question. How do you respond to that type of thing, how do you look, react, what do you say?

At the moment I just go quiet and look down/away. She just carries on oblivious so just saying nothing is ineffective. She doesn’t notice.

Thank you

You’ve hit the nail on the head there with what I’ve observed. One thing I wondered is can the “fawners” see it? In that situation I am not a fawner. Definitely not the “queen bee” and am at risk of being the persecuted! I am ND and was bullied throughout childhood. Now in groups like that I tend to back right off and either withdraw if they are particularly toxic or be a reasonably passive observer. I’m certainly not participating in the nauseating fawning! But it’s so weird how it happens in almost every large group. And in my neighbourhood is always the same people who are running everything. Woe betide you if you try to challenge that in any way at all. You are firmly placed back in your box.

What I’ve always wondered though is I am pretty sure the queen bee types know exactly what they are doing, but are the fawners aware? Or do they just think they are being nice and supportive? If they do see it, how do they put up with it. I find the dynamics so obvious and completely unbearable so it feels like that can’t be the case surely?

Ah thank you, that so helpful. Apologies I didn’t see your first response, only your second when writing my post above.

I think re: the fawners it’s sometimes a combo of going along for an easy life & genuine admiration of the Queen Bee & any status/reflected glory that might confer. Re: the ‘persecuted’ one, societies need heroes & a villain/scapegoats to effectively function.

I know I've wondered how 'let them' applies (or doesnt) when other people's harmful behavior affects people who aren't myself. Like if someone's being bigoted, 'let them' feels uncomfortable to me.

Yoyr first point makes complete sense. That’s really insightful and interesting.

I’m not sure I agree with your last point though. I agree that people seem to scapegoat people/sections of society in various ways often because they seem to need someone to blame for things and we also like to “other” people so we feel like we belong to a group. But I’m not sure I’d agree that we need that for a functioning society. I think it’s really divisive and has led to some horrendous issues in society, including wars and atrocities. So I agree it seems to be “human” to scapegoat, but I don’t think it’s necessary for society to function effectively. If you are happy to, could you elaborate on why you think that?

🤗 If I can help anybody, even slightly, with assertiveness skills it's a good day!

I do hope some of this will be helpful for you in real life. Re your snarky friend, you'd probably find it easy to just say "Ouch!" (or Oof, or Really!) as soon as she's delivered. After I started doing that, it became second nature incredibly quickly - so I moved on to more direct responses, but you haven't got to.

If nothing else, this mild expression of your hurt should interrupt the instinct to grovel. With luck, it may even reverse the effect: most thoughtlessly mean ripostes come from a habit of self-criticism. No promises, but it is possible that your swift displeasure could actually prompt her to reflect on what she's doing. As a bonus, other people start to notice the critic's bad habit and will eventually say something.

ETA: Fantastic that you're trying some role play around the hurt feelings. Go you!

Well, you can let them be bigoted and let yourself say something.

Some people don't need 'letting', though, they just barge ahead. I once caused village warfare (I fucking hate villages!) by walking out of a dinner party hosted by a bone-deep white supremacist. I'd already expressed reasonable disagreement and moved along to politely asking him to talk about something else as his racism was 'upsetting' to me. He ramped it up. I was pretty close to exploding before the main course was finished, so I said I'm sorry I can't listen to this and left.

Assertiveness won't stop a complete cunt being a cunt, unfortunately. Neither will it stop him rallying the village fawners to create a trumped-up battle. I had no choice but to 'Let Them' and allow myself to disengage from the entire shitshow. It was a pain in the arse, especially when his otherwise lovely wife tried to make me apologise for my supposed bad manners (I refused).

I’ve never heard of this book but it sounds a lot like my underpinning philosophy! What people think about me is none of my business and I can’t control, nor do I have any wish to control, their actions or behaviour. If they choose to be a dick to me that is their choice - it says everything about them and nothing about me.

I think I have pretty good antennae for people who treat others poorly and I don’t engage, or minimise engagement when there’s no other choice. With these people it’s best to be like the queen - smile and wave, smile and wave. I just think, if they’re bitching about me then all that means is that’s 5 minutes they’re not bitching about someone else. Let them get on with it if it helps them fill their day. Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

Let them is not about being passive. It's about owning that your role in a situation is the only thing you can control. It's up to you whether you challenge or not, or do something entirely different. Your behaviour is a choice and the sum of who you are, so it really matters as it's all we have. We are not responsible for others choices, only our reaction in response.

The older I've got, the more I try to be the change I want to see and people tend to mirror this and act respectfully towards me. I used to think I couldn't help acting in line with my emotions, but you can. You can't say 'it wasn't like me' if you behave badly, because your actions are all you are. If others behave badly, we are allowed to not excuse it, but if we respond in kind it reflects badly on us. Basically it challenges us to stop blaming the situations we find ourselves in, to consider how we want to act carefully and hold ourselves accountable.

I was reading something about how tribal villages developed into towns and cities. The writer quoted studies showing that communities can function very well with a flat, egalitarian structure until they reach about 500 people. Around that point, everything descends into chaos unless a hierarchy's introduced. This rapidly leads to a ruling class, a judicial/priestly class and so on.

I may wish it weren't so but can't deny it is human nature. Every single folk tale, religious mythology, saga, ballad and play features a hero, a plucky victim and a villain (or an inept numbskull with villain-like effects). Even ancient stories, which must have arisen in small communities, do, suggesting our need for heroes and scapegoats is even older than our need to be organised by leaders.

In a lot of them, the scapegoat's a figure of fun - sometimes even a literal ass - supporting the idea that we need to feel superior to those who cause problems by not being clever like 'us'. Shakespeare had all this down perfectly.

Well you could also tell them to go fuck themselves and walk away. Same thing. The key is not wasting your own emotional energy by ruminating on it outside of their presence

I wonder if you’re reading a lot into groups? I have a ND child and one thing school help them with is understanding the “silent rules” of the playground because she tends to blast in and misunderstand situations, rely on friendships that from the other persons POV don’t really exist, and low-key irritate other children.

Some of the descriptions of “queen bee” “mean girls” on this thread remind me a bit of it. I genuinely don’t think this stuff is common in school mums or workplaces - unless you look for it. It’s interesting that you both say you have experienced this throughout life. It seems to be a fair amount of overthinking and over analysis, assigning roles and always looking for your role - particularly as the one just truth teller (quite ND in itself)

group theory is quite interesting for this. I don’t think let them us really what’s going to help,because it doesn’t deal with the cause, which is your need for a group.

Where I struggle is knowing how to respond. I can work on the emotions, although it’s hard as to me it feels as if it comes out of the blue and I’m surprised/shocked by it and therefore unprepared. My fight/flight system has reacted before I can even think about it.

The first thing is to catch your automatic response, so absolutely any kind of response - “what was that?”, “what did you mean by that” or simply “oh right…” anything that lets you hear the sounds of your own voice. At this stage it’s not even about her hearing you, or responding - it’s shaking you out of your automatic response.

In time you won’t freeze or fawn, that’s when having some planned responses will help so practice something short, clear and to the point. This isn’t the time to craft a carefully worded, self aware challenge - a simple “I wasn’t asking you” can cut across the nonsense. Once you’ve got that consistently then you can decide if you want to challenge her more fully or just let it wash over you.

@Jellycatspyjamas I once walked into a school Mum event to find a very popular Mum mocking & doing an impression of me for laughs to the group. What others think of you is ‘none of your business’ but self examination might lead you to wonder at why you’re singled out & ofc this can hurt.

Yet curiously this ‘Amanda’ type Motherland Mum had been friendly on play dates & fast to tap me up for favours. My ‘just let them’ measured response might be a measured ‘really’ in Dowager Duchess tones & an arched eyebrow but ofc too you think of these brill retorts post incident.

The ND are often unfortunately singled out in groups as social interactions picked up as off key & the ‘truth teller’ role described well upthread can grate. If you’ve been bullied in past this can compound. How can an ND person minimise negative incident whilst benefitting from all that’s best in community? I think poss by learning to wear things lightly & using humour.

I have a very ‘tell it like it is’ friend who told a very bitchy woman in a sports group some home truths once without batting an eye lid. She ‘Just Let Them’ & then decided on her measured if direct response.

I haven't read it but have seen lots of videos of her.
I think it's pretty good. Links in with the 'grant me the serenity..' prayer which I also like.
It helps me when I start to spiral wishing my 'coparent' would be better

It has nothing to do with navel gazing, and tbh I don't think you've understood the principle.

You say you 'don't let' people get away with bad behaviour, but what do you mean by that? You can't really control anyone else's behaviour except your own. That's the whole point.

I'm listening to the book now, even though I said upthread that I find Mel Robbins a bit annoying. Some of the chapters don't really apply to me, but the general principle is useful, and it has some applications that hadn't really occurred to me when I originally heard about it.