The Let Them Theory

[Oscarsmom71]

Just starting to read this book by Mel Robbins.
Has anyone read it and applied the theory and it’s worked.
I’m intrigued because I think its a great concept and I’d love to apply it to my life but part of me thinks its not as easy as it sounds.
Is it easy just to stop things/people bother you by saying Let Them.
Interested to hear any thought from anyone who has read it.

I think that’s excellent advice. Thanks. Deciding what you will & won’t compromise on key.

For me in those types of group I tend to stand back and watch what’s happening. I don’t feel the need to call out other people’s behaviour unless it impacts me or is obviously discriminatory eg racism, homophobia. I also don’t feel I need to try and “save” other people in the group who are also adults with their own agency.

In terms of strategising or teaming with the “queen bee”, I try to avoid that because if a group is that toxic at some point they’ll turn on me too, so I’ll do what’s right for me. I might not openly disagree or broadcast my stance but I won’t fawn either. It’s a fine line sometimes but if I’m feeling scape goated, I’ll remember that and temper my involvement with the group or individuals accordingly.

I used to be the person that would stand her ground every single time, for myself and others. It caused me no end of heartache - and made no difference to what was happening particularly because people who were unhappy behind the scenes would openly support the “queen bee” for fear of being ostracised.

I grew to understand that self protection thing, stopped taking on other people’s issues and picked my battles. If someone wants to moan, I’ll turn it back on what if anything they feel they want to do about it. There’s also the whole “if they’re saying it to you, they’ll also say it about you” thing which makes groups feel unsafe. Ultimately finding a way to be there which is consistent with the kind of person you want to be, and taking yourself out of situations where that just isn’t possible.

I've read and it have generally moved over to this way of thinking, not purely because of the book, but I do like the book and the concept. I find it applies in most cases and it's a really helpful approach if you're someone who overthinks or tries to please or just generally worries about things you can't do much about.

Really good advice & easier as grown women than teens navigating ‘firsts’ as in experiences, not quals, at Uni.

For me a flash point is bitching behind backs esp with purported ‘inner circles’. I try to pick up on it lightly without being holier-than-thou. Harder in bigger groups & I hate pile ons. Observe & wait, good advice. Rescuing is a natural instinct for some. I have never understood how some v bitchy types so popular but as a wise person once said ‘don’t confuse power with popularity’.

For me in this case it would be about working out my values, principles and boundaries and trying to find the sweet spot that means I’m not completely out of step with who I am and what I want out of the group.

Really good advice & easier as grown women than teens navigating ‘firsts’ as in experiences, not quals, at Uni.

Absolutely, I’m watching my DD14 navigate this stuff in high school and it’s agonising to see but all I can do is talk her through it, help her make sense of what’s happening and be a shoulder to cry on. She can’t draw on experience she doesn’t have yet, and she won’t get experience if I try to fix everything for her.

I agree.

@Jellycatspyjamas of course you have emotions, it's about how you respond to your emotions and accepting that having feelings that you don't like is part of life. How you respond, even when you feel bad, is within your control. In fact, it's when it's most important.

We're not helpless passengers in our lives. We can choose differently. What we can't do is choose how others live. Only how we respond to them.

@DarkForces i was responding to a post by @ShyMaryEllen who said she was waiting for the part in the book that told her how not to be bothered, hence my response.

I agree we can’t remove unpleasant feelings, and that we’ll have feelings about what other people do. How we understand and process those feelings is under our control to a large extent, but it’s unrealistic to never be bothered or upset by others.

I’ve read it, I’m a huge fan of Mel Robbins, I’ve stopped trying to fix everything, I'm always the first to jump into situations that have nothing to do with me to try fix it, then I end up involved in something that I don’t want to be, so I’ve started to sit back a bit & let other people deal with their own stuff, unless they ask for help,especially at work! It’s very liberating!

I wish my mother would read it 😂. I'm ok at letting people live their lives when it's nothing to do with me, but she has to have a suggestion for every situation, as though I can't think for myself. Sometimes they are so obvious I can't believe she really thinks I haven't done (or considered and decided against) doing whatever it is, and sometimes they are just idiotic, such as things I should do at work that would get me fired. If she can't find something I 'should' do, she asks why I didn't do X - again, that's always for blindingly obvious reasons. I wish she would just 'Let Me' just do my own thing, as it stops me from telling her a lot of things and makes general chat really hard work at times. I'm not a child, either - I'm in my 60s.

In the book, the author mentions her son's prom, where she got all angsty about where the young people had or hadn't booked to eat, and in case the girls got their dresses spoilt in the rain. She also bought her son a corsage to give his GF, even though she'd been told the girl had expressly said she didn't want one. That's exactly how I was brought up - 'you need to do X', 'why don't you do Y?', and a relentless need to be involved in things that were nothing to do with my mother. If the book persuades people to stop that sort of thing, it will have been a force for good.

Controversially, isn’t there a case for an older generation passing on culture/standards/tradition, all seem to be seen as a blanket ‘bad’ now.

Sometimes there’s good in the ‘old’ values now denigrated. Being appropriately dressed for some occasions, good manners?

When I was 16, maybe. Not now I'm 66.

My MIL is like this. It drives me crazy. If I lost something she’d ask if I checked the last place I used it like I’m so stupid to not think of that.

Ooohhhj - I’ve not read or heard of that but I am going to look into it.

Mostly because I’ve always said the same about only controlling your reactions - not others actions for years and didn’t actually know it was a “thing”.

I thought I made it up in a rare moment of parenting fineness 😂

I find Mel Robbins pretty irritating, but I think it's a useful concept, especially when dealing with people closer to you. After all, you don't actually necessarily even need to be told 'let them' about people whose opinions you don't care about!

For example I find myself worrying too much and getting over-invested in things my young adult dd is supposed to be doing, and actually I need to take a step back for her independence and my own sanity!

@ShyMaryEllen I once heard a good reply (possibly an Esther Perel podcast) for exactly those kinds of comments. I can't remember the exact words but something along the lines of '(You've I taught me well so...) I trust myself to consider the options, make a good decision and have the resilience to deal with whatever comes up as a result. Please have the same confidence in me.'

Thanks. I’ll (try to😉) keep it in mind.

She wasn't responsible for the girls' dresses. It was up to each girl - perhaps with parental prompting - to think about taking an umbrella or a coat. She actually had no right to an opinion about it!

Sure, you can think to yourself "I hope the girls' dresses don't get wet". That's it - a thought and a hope, all to yourself. You don't go around trying to ensure they all have protection.

You very definitely don't buy your son's girlfriend a corsage, which she's already stated she doesn't want! That's not passing on good values, it's plain interference. She and DS clearly were aware of the old value and had rejected it. That absolutely is their right.

Cultural guidance sounds a lot more like "Did you know ..." and "Have you considered ..." than "You should".

Your Let Me comes into play when you say "I was wondering ..." or "It's usually seen as respectful to ...". You own your thoughts & feelings. You respect others' right to own theirs.

@Oscarsmom71 i really enjoyed the audio book. Initially I thought what on earth is this nonsense but I got into it and have tried to apply the theory in certain situations; I particularly liked the part on ‘let them, let me’ as it encouraged me to change my actions and attitude to make it easier to ‘let them’. I have found I apply it now quite subconsciously especially when it comes to difficult friends.

Its essentially the same as "Deez Nuts" or "Fuck 'em" or just a shrug.

Its when you realise you are a good person for the most part and live your life with a reasonable amount of awareness and compassion.

The song "Free" by Broods is pretty much the same message.

Yes Buddhism and others. It’s not a new idea. I tried reading Let Them but could not get on with the writing style.

I've used it with my abusive brother.. I've just let him do his mean insensitive stuff and then taken a step back. He really doesn't like it but it helps me.

Why allow strangers manipulate your emotions?
Thing is....if there is any self doubt, then the stranger's words land where it hurts. Like lemon on a mouth ulcer.

Agree.