The Let Them Theory

[Oscarsmom71]

Just starting to read this book by Mel Robbins.
Has anyone read it and applied the theory and it’s worked.
I’m intrigued because I think its a great concept and I’d love to apply it to my life but part of me thinks its not as easy as it sounds.
Is it easy just to stop things/people bother you by saying Let Them.
Interested to hear any thought from anyone who has read it.

I was going to say this as it was pointed out to me some weeks ago by my cousin's DW. I gather Cassie isn't credited anywhere in the book.

My DD has read the book and told me all about it. It has certainly helped her a lot, and in turn it's also helped me!

For example, my adult DS can be rather sharp which always used to really upset me and play on my mind. Now, if I message him with something and he comes back with a negative comment, I just respond with a couple of laughing emojis! I have discovered that by doing this, it relieves me of all that negative emotion, which in turn seems to reduce the amount of times he is negative towards me. He knows he can't 'get to me' now, so his negative comments are greatly reduced! I suspect he is ND in some way and this is how it manifests.

A few months ago, my cousin was having trouble with her teenage DS as he was being moody towards her and she was very upset. My DD and myself told her about the ',Let Them' theory, and hopefully it's helped her too!

This sums it up perfectly!

This reminds me of a beautiful Patience Strong verse:

"Worry settles nothing
Just wait for things to mend.
Fret not over problems
Life solves them in the end".

I’ve not read the book, but have heard about the theory. I do think it can help in some circumstances.

In many ways, it’s a modern interpretation of ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me’. You decide if what someone says is going to affect you, not the person who voiced it.

I also heard a similar idea where you ‘reframe’ the situation. For example, instead of thinking it’s wet and horrible today, you think the water is good for the plants. Or the mother who accidentally pushed her pram into you and didn’t apologise, may have had ten sleepless nights on the row. You basically rethink the situation .

I’m just reading the War on Art - which is about getting on with writing your book, making your art, succeeding in whatever it is you want and pushing past all the ,what he calls, restrictions. It’s good.

Yes, I absolutely do the reframing thing. I figure it is much better for my mental health to view the positive side of situations that are stressful.

Glad a few people have mentioned stoicism. Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus definitely.

To paraphrase "there are no good or bad events, only our reactions to them".

I love the book the Courage to be Disliked. It is a clever way of explaining Adlerian psychology/philosophy without the author claiming it is his idea. It also has similar outlooks. It's not your business if someone dislikes you, it is theirs. He calls it the separation of tasks. I need to re-read it I think.

Not sure about Mel Robbins. I guess she's a talent for making things mainstream and accessible.

I have been applying "Let them" and then the equally important bit "now let me" recently. I find it a helpful approach. Basically I see it as the law of actions and reactions. I can't control your action but I can control my reaction. If you behave like an arse, then I will let you crack on with your arsey behaviour and then I will react in my own best interests, rather than attempting to change you. So you may act as you wish, but there are consequences to that.

It isn't always straightforward and for me requires a fair bit of reflection sometimes, as I have to work out what my best interests are but I do find it helpful.

I'm also not entirely sure how it works in complex social environments like the workplace, where you are not always free to act in your own best interests or apply the consequences that are fair or proportionate in certain situations.

I'm also not entirely sure how it works in complex social environments like the workplace, where you are not always free to act in your own best interests or apply the consequences that are fair or proportionate in certain situations.
This is the bit that interests me. I'm still at the beginning of the book, as I've been busy this week and haven't made progress, but it does feel very simplistic up to now.

To use her other example (the first being the prom one) she talks about introducing friends to one another and then finding that they are meeting up without her, and going on holiday together. Being able to 'let them' is in some ways straightforward - she can't stop them. Not caring about it will very much depend on personality, and possibly past experience, though. If something hurts it hurts, and it's not always possible to reframe it so it doesn't.

Also, the options for responding (the 'let me' bit) will vary depending on the circumstances. If you live somewhere with a lot going on, there might be the option to make new friends, but if you live in a village where all the people of your age are in the group who has rejected you your options might be limited. You could go on holiday on your own, but that's not something everyone would relish. You could move house, but that's not always desirable or even possible. I don't think it's as straightforward as she makes out, but maybe when I get a bit further into the book it will get more sophisticated.

Isn’t there a case, if I’ve understood correctly & these were your friend’s first (In Mumsnet terms you’ve been Wendied), on calmly calling their behaviour out? Ditto if you find out ‘friends’ singling you out in a group situation & bitching.

A case of ‘the best revenge is living well’ & reframing? Isn’t there a case of you possibly needing to self reflect on why you are singled out if happens more than once or twice?

@ShyMaryEllen - I think it's about considering all these options, including ones you don't feel are right for you. Moving is a great example: you hate where you live and feel excluded. Do you: change your approach to people in your community? Join more groups? Join groups that are further away? Move elsewhere l? Become a hermit?... now some of these may be easier than others, but none are impossible. It's about making a choice about which one you're going to action and accepting the consequences, rather than just saying everything is outside your control. If it's outside your control, forget it. Make a conscious decision about whether it matters enough to change and how radical you want to be.

Genuine question- how do you end up in so many groups/ situations with these dynamics? You post as though they’re inevitable but I haven’t heard of anyone regularly experiencing this stuff and having so many problems with groups- since school! My children’s whatsapp groups are about what day is PE. I don’t recognise any of these dynamics as an adult, let alone expect it

I was wondering the same!

Broadly work or social dynamics not so easy to opt out of. Rather than being particularly personally bothered, although sometimes grates, I’ve noticed patterns. People love to worship & there’s always a power dynamic. Some poss more sensitive to it than others.

I read it recently and applied some of the advice to two particular scenarios in my life that were really stressing me out and frustrating me. I was struggling to understand and make sense of how the characters were behaving or being disinterested etc in two particular scenarios without giving too much away).
I was overthinking how to I could change things, how I could accept things or make things better/nicer. But after reading the book I accepted I can’t change them or there attitudes, values or behaviours so I ‘Let them’ do or behave however they wanted whilst I ‘let me’ do this. The ‘Let me’ is key. Say someone isn’t returning your calls, parents aren’t wanting to be part of your life etc. Let them do whatever show you how they feel but accept this and instead ‘let me’ plan this on my own or with other friends or other family who are interested, do this etc etc.

Ive been in a situation where I have introduced two friends to each other and found out later they were meeting without me. It really really upset me because they hadn't told me about it. I can't imagine how applying the 'let them' idea would really have helped. It's not that simple.

What were your alternative options and what did you choose to do? Let them isn't about being passive, it's about actively making decisions and owning them. It's fine to choose to do nothing but once you've decided that then you accept the consequences. If you choose to act then in the same way, the consequences are on you. It just points out that there's no point wasting emotional energy on things you can't control, you're better putting that time into weighing up what you want to do and then owning the path you take.

I had a similar situation but in my case I just suspected that in my case two friends were definitely communicating with each other separately to a joint whatsapp group with just the three of us in as several things pointed towards this. I also began to question our friendship.

Long story but I decided in the end whilst reading this book to waste no more headspace on it and them and to let them crack on if they choose to prioritise other things every time then I wasn’t going to waste any more time or headspace. While I went out of my way to organise a few things myself with other friends and family and said yes to some things I might not ordinarily have said yes to. All of which I enjoyed and made the fact that they were unavailable and playing games much easier.

Eventually one of them got in touch again recently and we have a firm date booked to go out but I am half expecting both of them to cancel close to the time but I am less invested now.

Similarly my DM always lets me down and plays favourites so rather wait for this to happen and rather than being guilted into regular visiting and nothing appreciated and nothing being enough etc. I got in first and decided to just let her focus on her favourites and unequal treatment and to let me take a step back and only visit when it was convenient to me and me prioritising myself and my own families happiness for a change and thought let me minimise my guilt, hurt feelings and disappoint by not expecting anything from my DM. As she has shown me over and over what she thinks so now I believe her.

Can I ask what you say to someone when they criticise you but you don’t agree (and you don’t “take it on” as yours to worry about emotionally). I understand the emotional principle, but I’m not sure what it looks like in practice.

Came here to say the same thing.

I say:
Uh-huh
Okay
I hear what you're saying
I disagree, but you're entitled to an opinion
I'm sorry you feel that way
That's enlightening, thank you (it's 'enlightening' if it's giving you new information on how they see things)
Good to know
Do carry on
Have you finished?
Yes, dear
I'm leaving now

You don't need to say anything at all during most rants, these are not conversations.

If I were still under 25, I'd probably say:
Whatever.

@DisenchantedOwl, when teaching children how to do constructive detachment, a good start is getting them to time the rant. From there, you can move on to detached interest by spotting repeat phrases/catchwords, noticing whether they've gone red or their hands are shaking, etc.

If you're interested enough, you can try thinking about whether they mean you when they say "you" - do they mean everybody, somebody else, or perhaps themselves? That's just for your own processing, though, never try to be their therapist.

I've listened to a shortened version on a podcast. It works for some situations for me. Eg friends not inviting you. But not so much with an annoying sibling making put downs in social situations. If you keep letting it go, they do it more.

Then you can change your approach. It's not about letting everything go, it's about accepting you can choose from a range of options in every situation but you can't choose how others will respond. You make a proactive choice to ignore, or challenge, or laugh, or cut them out... then you own it or try something else. If you overreact they might decide to cut you out, but again there's not much you can do about that. The only thing you are responsible for are the actions you make and so you need to make sure that they are compatible with who you want to be as a person.