Absolutely bemused by this and also feeling a bit stupid

[Crazylittlethingcalledpeople]

This makes me sound like a total idiot but never mind.

I encountered a woman on mumsnet about four years ago who was experiencing a similar situation to me. She DM’d me and we communicated back and forth for a while before swapping numbers and moving to WhatsApp.

Ive seen her posts on mumsnet since - so who knows, she might see this!

Anyway, we have messaged back and forth on and off for the last four years. Sometimes not in touch for a couple of months, other times every day. She’s painted a fairly chaotic situation in her personal life and mine hasn’t been plain sailing.

We’ve never actually spoken on the phone in this time which I guess is weird but I hate the phone 🤣

Anyway, she then suggested finally meeting up for a meal and a drink - she lives about 3 hours from me - but she said she would drive nearish to me and stop over. I sent her a link for a hotel and booked somewhere for dinner and then we planned to have a few drinks.

So yesterday she messages to say what time she’s leaving. She keeps me updated with where she is and the time she should arrive. I head over at roughly the time she is expected… she messages to say she’s just parking her car and I walked over to the restaurant to wait for her.

And… that was it. I waited for twenty minutes and then tried to call her - went to answerphone. Then nothing on WhatsApp was delivering and it was clear she must have blocked me. I waited forty minutes in total in case (unlikely) her phone had lost charge, delayed checking in etc but absolutely nothing. I’m also blocked on her fb.

It must be one of the most bizarre things to ever happen to me.
She’s never asked me for money or anything weird… I mean clearly she never set off or had the intention of meeting me… but literally five minutes before blocking me she said ‘I’ve arrived.’

My brain is really like 🤯 because I can’t see why she’d bother all that time and then suggest meeting and then - ghost me?

So if she is reading this - it’s fine, I went and met some friends but it’s just weird! And I can’t make head nor tail of it! I guess I’m also a little freaked out because I would have said she was a friend and I can’t understand what she got from this? For all of it I’d like to know she’s ok.

Not really sure why you are wasting so much headspace on this imaginary poster

Did she ever give you her name?

You presumably know her by some name or other - did you exchange full names during the four years?

Why don't ypu please contact the hotel and even police re you feel unnerved but you coild be saying you have xoncersn for her safety? Like, was she at the hotel at all? I mean, that alone would tell you a lot...

It must be incredibly unnerving, but I do think it's a fantasist, who, for whatever reason, has decided to delete this character. It seems ridiculous when she could just faded it out, but that's looking at it rationally, when the whole thing is anything but.

With the chaotic back-story she gave, were you surprised she'd be able to manage an overnight stay in a hotel? I'm thinking childcare and/or costs?

When you look back, do you ever feel like she was mirroring/matching what you shared first?

Or was her story a bit perfectly imperfect e.g. chaotic relationships but indicated she was very comfortable financially (mortgage-free/nanny etc)

Very weird. If you don't mind, may I suggest a chance in outlook? I'm baffled at how so many people here are upset about inconsequential things. Instead of feeling "scared" or "stupid," may I suggest that you turn it into a funny story for your friends?
And don't stew over it. It's definitely odd, and you likely will never figure it out. Reminds me of a time a guy called me up for a date, and we had this preliminary telephone conversation, very lively, with common references, and he was gregarious and tickled that we had so much in common. Then he suddenly hung up. Also weird.

That's a good idea.

I thought same

Do you have any apps like Trucaller installed OP?

Put the number in and see if this name is the same as the one known to you.

I get that. When it happened to me I felt really unnerved. Part of me really wanted an explanation and part wanted to never see her again.

Ive tried to use this app on the past but couldnt get it to work. I was sceptical about how it could know who a mobile number belongs to anyway, does it work for you? Do you know how it gets round GDPR, I don't think I've ever consented to my mobile number being freely available

It doesn’t sound stupid. Completely understandable! X

One of the strangest things they've heard. Not one of the strangest things you've heard. Nor, objectively, one of the strangest things to have ever happened. One of the strangest things they've heard.

And, tbh, this is part of the issue.

Most people live in a bit of a bubble and generally associate with people irl who are similar to them in many ways. This is because they choose to associate with people who are 'recognisable' (familiar and predictable) to them. But people also keep lots about themselves private. Sometimes intentionally or for malicious reasons but usually because there are things people don't necessarily share with others. You only ever really know your life and your experiences, no one else's.

Eg it's why people on here claim to not know anyone in real life who doesn't answer the phone, or have no contact with a family member or are shocked at how often people shower or change their bed linen. Because people assume that the way they live is the same as the way other people live unless they've specifically been told otherwise.

When you meet people in real life, you often get a gut feeling about them.

Some people you instinctively feel you trust or mistrust.

You pick up in little things like micro expressions that make you feel.comfortable with them or not. We call it gut feeling.

All of that is lacking in an online 'friendship'.

People say you shouldn't chat to someone for ages when doing online dating and should meet up quickly. This is to avoid building a sense of false intimacy. And it's no different in friendships.

People quite often overshare online in a way they wouldn't irl because its anonymous and feels safer. When that moves off a discussion board and onto DMs or WhatsApp, the protection is lost. But without meeting or any further the opportunity for 'gut feelings', or any real life confirmation of anything, you simply don't know who you are talking to or whether anything they say is true or not. The false intimacy strengthens and this person feels like a genuine friend and yet they are still a complete stranger in reality because you have no way of knowing if any single thing they have said about themselves or their life is true or not.

People are, in general, very naive.

She gave a name.

I think if people were honest anyone would feel unnerved by this. It's a real stretch keeping a friendship going for 4 whole years (even an online one) , then arranging to meet up, pretending to be outside parking up and doing something like this. I've got internet friends I've had years. I'd be equally freaked out if one of them did this to me after all those years of communication as a friend. It's just weird.

Very odd OP. Glad u didn't let it spoil your day.

then no one can trust anyone on social media. I meet people on fb in groups and we don't know each other but we communicate real life stuff. I don't drive or have free time/capacity to meet for no reason like that but still. So?

That's right. You can't trust anyone you only know through SM.

Not because everyone who uses SM is inherently mistrsutful but because you simply don't know whether anything they are saying is true. You don't know if they are trustworthy.

If you only know people through SM, you simply have no idea what is real and what is not.

This is spot on.

How are you today, OP?

I’m a meetup host and we absolutely do notice and care when people don’t turn up. It’s also incredibly rude not to let the host know. I spend a lot of time chasing people up worried that they’re lost or something.

That is what I suggested - re the hotel.

OP said they probably won't give out info so hasn't bothered, true they may not, but I thought it was worth at least trying if you are that concerned for someone's safety. Takes 5 minutes

Really sorry it causes trouble when people don’t turn up. The groups I was in were very casual and for 20-somethings to basically chat and get drunk in a pub, so it wasn’t a big deal when someone didn’t come or someone brought friends along etc. However I can imagine for something like a booked activity or talk it must be really annoying for people to be flakey. But as I said in my post, people feel really upset and embarrassed when they wanted to do something and couldn’t follow through, then they have to come up with an excuse right at the last minute which they hadn’t prepared, so they don’t mean to be rude (obviously not including people who just can’t be bothered or do something else and don’t care)

The problem with your rationale Sera is that the person or people you’ve let down don’t know whether you didn’t “mean to be rude” or “just can’t be bothered and don’t care”. Or indeed intended to cause alarm & anxiety.

I think it’s probably someone you know in real life. Who has been stringing you along; knowing it was you.

My first thought was she did it for the power or ‘fun’ of making someone do something. It probably made her feel big and powerful thinking you were there waiting for her and she had all the control.
Utterly weird thing to do though, in future I wouldn’t share so much with someone I’ve never met.

I host pub crawls and stuff where it’s all casual. I still check off the list of people supposed to be attending. It does matter if you don’t bother to turn up. It causes me anxiety worrying about someone coming late and not finding us. It causes me to be distracted for ages at the start of the event looking for someone who looks like your picture. You don’t have to do anything other than take yourself off the attending list but that’s obviously also too much effort for some.