Absolutely bemused by this and also feeling a bit stupid

[Crazylittlethingcalledpeople]

This makes me sound like a total idiot but never mind.

I encountered a woman on mumsnet about four years ago who was experiencing a similar situation to me. She DM’d me and we communicated back and forth for a while before swapping numbers and moving to WhatsApp.

Ive seen her posts on mumsnet since - so who knows, she might see this!

Anyway, we have messaged back and forth on and off for the last four years. Sometimes not in touch for a couple of months, other times every day. She’s painted a fairly chaotic situation in her personal life and mine hasn’t been plain sailing.

We’ve never actually spoken on the phone in this time which I guess is weird but I hate the phone 🤣

Anyway, she then suggested finally meeting up for a meal and a drink - she lives about 3 hours from me - but she said she would drive nearish to me and stop over. I sent her a link for a hotel and booked somewhere for dinner and then we planned to have a few drinks.

So yesterday she messages to say what time she’s leaving. She keeps me updated with where she is and the time she should arrive. I head over at roughly the time she is expected… she messages to say she’s just parking her car and I walked over to the restaurant to wait for her.

And… that was it. I waited for twenty minutes and then tried to call her - went to answerphone. Then nothing on WhatsApp was delivering and it was clear she must have blocked me. I waited forty minutes in total in case (unlikely) her phone had lost charge, delayed checking in etc but absolutely nothing. I’m also blocked on her fb.

It must be one of the most bizarre things to ever happen to me.
She’s never asked me for money or anything weird… I mean clearly she never set off or had the intention of meeting me… but literally five minutes before blocking me she said ‘I’ve arrived.’

My brain is really like 🤯 because I can’t see why she’d bother all that time and then suggest meeting and then - ghost me?

So if she is reading this - it’s fine, I went and met some friends but it’s just weird! And I can’t make head nor tail of it! I guess I’m also a little freaked out because I would have said she was a friend and I can’t understand what she got from this? For all of it I’d like to know she’s ok.

WhatsApp showed one grey tick, messaged in messenger and it says ‘couldn’t send’ and profile is no longer available to me. Phone went to answerphone.

I don’t know… I’ve reread her messages and although definitely chaotic her style of writing stayed the same, she never tripped herself up on details. But it was chaotic and there were a lot of people seemingly who wanted a relationship with her.

I doubt I’ll ever know. Just so odd.

I hope not! I can’t think of anyone I’ve ever annoyed that much 🤣

You say there was always a lot of drama around her and you thought she might cancel. Maybe something happened and she didn’t want to tell you she couldn’t make it and it was easier to back out.

I’ve got an old schoolfriend like this who was supposedly on the way to my wedding with her mother and the car broke down on the motorway. She never turned up and I never heard from her again! I always thought she would cancel!

Otherwise she just chickened out for an unknown reason/anxiety type thing or just disorganised and didn’t make it.

I worked briefly on a contract with a woman who changed her persona depending on who she was speaking to. Listening to her lies about her background and life experiences was terrifying. She altered her accents along with all of this.

One minute she had been raised on a Welsh hillside and her parents were sheep farmers, the next she was adopted and raised in California by hippies.

Her co workers considered her completely insane and all kept a good distance.

I had never met anyone so completely bonkers but she had a spiteful side to her too. I can imagine her being completely out of control behind a computer screen.

Could she just have wanted an online friendship? Was she suggesting meeting up or were you ? You both had stuff in common and maybe she enjoyed chatting through messages with you rather than meeting up.

Could she have felt under pressure to meet up hence the excuses and preferred just chatting through messages.

She just wasn't brave enough, for whatever reason. Some people are like that. Meeting a new person is a great big deal to them and they get social anxiety or whatever and it makes them act weird. She probably couldn't admit to herself she was too scared.
Sorry that happened. Don't let it affect you.
It's her problem to tackle.

Some people are just flaky and live their lives like that. Just letting people down and moving on.

A fantasist probably.

or

Could the person who you were in a relationship with and who you talked about online recognised themselves in your posts and have made all that up as revenge?

I think some people might be able to connect the dots as to who this could be and to be honest OP you're probably better off. Just block and move on

I don’t know… I’ve reread her messages and although definitely chaotic her style of writing stayed the same, she never tripped herself up on details. But it was chaotic and there were a lot of people seemingly who wanted a relationship with her.

Better boundaries going forward OP!
.
If nothing else, was all of this just not a little bit boring? Did it not raise any concerns at all in you about whether this was someone you actually wanted in your life? Or around their mental stability?

I mean, I've come across several people in my 51 years whose lives are chaotic in this way (professionally and as acquaintances). They also follow pattern of SS involvement (if they have children) and being incredibly vulnerable at a level at which a 'normal' friendship isn't sustainable.

Sorry! I didn’t mean you would have deserved it, it could have been someone envious of you. I’m not helping am I!

Those coming up with excuses for this person, oh maybe she was scared, shy, too polite to cancel etc etc 🙄 why would she go to the extreme of saying “I’m here” then, unless it was anything but a complete wind up? Anyone too shy would’ve made an excuse way before that point.

She lives 3 hours from you but the city you were meeting up in is 45minutes from you but closer to her? I can’t make that make sense.

I get why you are unsettled - definitely report her username to MN - they can just keep an eye or check out her posting history?

The chaotic life etc- sounds like a cat fish situation unfortunately. I think the perception is people do these things for some really straightforward reason like sex or money, but I reckon a lot of the time it could also be more complex psychologically and driven by combinations of fantasy/ boredom / attention?

Did OP mean closer relative to her home? Iyswim

A teenager or some weirdo messing with you. At first I thought maybe they had a accident on the way there, but to reply that she has arrived before blocking you was strange.

In fact I had met someone similar, years before in my first job. She was always claiming women had assaulted her out of jealousy and men had tried to kiss her or have sex with her. This was way before there were cameras all over the place like today.

Nobody wanted to work with her because they were scared what allegations they might face and after about 9 months she was sacked, thank fuck. She was clearly mentally ill and very unstable.

When Roxanne Pallett accused Ryan Thomas of hitting her on Big Brother, listening to her make those accusations, despite she knew there were cameras everywhere because...Big Brother, and her sticking to her story until it was proved materially true that she had lied, reminded me of this young woman at my first job.

These people are terrifying as they are totally out of control but in the age of the internet, I bet they let loose to a massive degree and just spin stories online for no obvious reason other than to amuse themselves.

A long time ago, the villagers would have just beaten them to death with a rock and buried them at a crossroads before they had kids themselves.

You absolutely do not sound like an idiot, you sound like someone who showed up, in every sense of the word, and deserved better than what you got. That was a huge leap of faith, and you handled it with grace even in the midst of a genuinely baffling experience.

What stands out is how invested this connection was four years of back-and-forth, shared vulnerabilities, jokes, plans… And then to be dropped like a stone, not just by silence but deliberate blocking, right at the very moment when that connection was supposed to become real? It’s surreal. Your confusion is completely valid.

There are loads of ways to speculate why someone might do this fear, self-sabotage, impulse, even mental health factors but that doesn’t lessen the emotional whiplash for you. It’s not just the no-show, it’s the erasure that hurts.

What you said about wanting to know she’s okay really moved me. You weren’t just disappointed you cared. You still do. And that says far more about you than anything she’s done. I don’t know if she’ll ever read this, but if she does, your message strikes the perfect tone which is calm, open-hearted, and generous.

Dont let this dim your sparkle!

🤣🤣

edit : I’m laughing at your last sentence!

How odd. I'd guess she either bottled it last minute and blocked you out of embarrassment or she has a controlling partner who put the kibosh on meeting.

Or alien abduction, obviously.

I think it's related to narcissistic supply.

I had no idea how devastating being around a true malignant narc could be until my stepson met and married his wife. She has split the family in every way possible in order to achieve her own ends and get 'supply'. She is utterly craven.

I suspect that once the OP met this person, she would have immediately recognised the signs of this person being a raving narc and it would have all been over. This person knew this and acted accordingly.

This is what I mean about vulnerable people with poor boundaries being easy to spot.

I mean, not that I doubt the OP, but this whole thread could have been posted by the woman she was supposed to meet as part of a continuing fantasy.

No different to online dating, or the advice we give to children about online safety, until you've met in real life, this person you are talking to online could be anyone and, unless you actually 'know' them in person, they are not your 'friend'.

Sorry, meant to quote this post instead.

@PulchritudinousLycanthrope

Back in the day, this is how tribes dealt with psychopaths (and quite rightly too):

https://www.google.com/search?q=how+did+tribes+in+times+past+deal+with+psychopaths&client=safari&sca_esv=b1197d2bfb033cb2&source=hp&ei=XUmPaK7WG86jkdUP3NOoeQ&iflsig=AOw8s4IAAAAAaI9Xbc0YGZ6WGo-0OHW0FCjjDcQH6-n1&oq=how+did+tribes+in+times+past+deal+with+psychop&gs_lp=Egdnd3Mtd2l6Ii5ob3cgZGlkIHRyaWJlcyBpbiB0aW1lcyBwYXN0IGRlYWwgd2l0aCBwc3ljaG9wKgIIADIFECEYoAEyBRAhGKABMgUQIRigATIFECEYoAFIyXRQkghYumpwAXgAkAEAmAF3oAGeHaoBBDQwLja4AQHIAQD4AQGYAi-gArkfqAIKwgIKEAAYAxjqAhiPAcICChAuGAMY6gIYjwHCAg0QLhgDGNQCGOoCGI8BwgILEAAYgAQYsQMYgwHCAg4QABiABBixAxiDARiKBcICCxAuGIAEGNEDGMcBwgIOEC4YgAQYsQMYgwEYigXCAggQABiABBixA8ICDhAuGIAEGLEDGNEDGMcBwgIOEC4YgAQYxwEYjgUYrwHCAgsQLhiABBixAxjUAsICBRAAGIAEwgIIEC4YgAQYsQPCAgYQABgWGB7CAgYQABgNGB7CAgsQABiABBiGAxiKBcICCBAAGKIEGIkFwgIIEAAYgAQYogTCAgUQIRifBcICBxAhGKABGArCAgQQIRgVwgIFEAAY7wWYAwjxBRswXHmwPHB9kgcEMzguOaAHiJwCsgcEMzcuObgHsR_CBwkwLjE2LjI4LjPIB7QB&sclient=gws-wiz

"Also I did suggest a call before we met but she made a rubbish excuse (looking back) and then we were meeting anyway so I left it."

This says it all really OP. She's most likely a fantasist and has probably done similar before. Once it got to the "meeting in person" stage, she was cornered. She couldn't keep making up excuses not to meet, so she disappears.