Absolutely bemused by this and also feeling a bit stupid

[Crazylittlethingcalledpeople]

This makes me sound like a total idiot but never mind.

I encountered a woman on mumsnet about four years ago who was experiencing a similar situation to me. She DM’d me and we communicated back and forth for a while before swapping numbers and moving to WhatsApp.

Ive seen her posts on mumsnet since - so who knows, she might see this!

Anyway, we have messaged back and forth on and off for the last four years. Sometimes not in touch for a couple of months, other times every day. She’s painted a fairly chaotic situation in her personal life and mine hasn’t been plain sailing.

We’ve never actually spoken on the phone in this time which I guess is weird but I hate the phone 🤣

Anyway, she then suggested finally meeting up for a meal and a drink - she lives about 3 hours from me - but she said she would drive nearish to me and stop over. I sent her a link for a hotel and booked somewhere for dinner and then we planned to have a few drinks.

So yesterday she messages to say what time she’s leaving. She keeps me updated with where she is and the time she should arrive. I head over at roughly the time she is expected… she messages to say she’s just parking her car and I walked over to the restaurant to wait for her.

And… that was it. I waited for twenty minutes and then tried to call her - went to answerphone. Then nothing on WhatsApp was delivering and it was clear she must have blocked me. I waited forty minutes in total in case (unlikely) her phone had lost charge, delayed checking in etc but absolutely nothing. I’m also blocked on her fb.

It must be one of the most bizarre things to ever happen to me.
She’s never asked me for money or anything weird… I mean clearly she never set off or had the intention of meeting me… but literally five minutes before blocking me she said ‘I’ve arrived.’

My brain is really like 🤯 because I can’t see why she’d bother all that time and then suggest meeting and then - ghost me?

So if she is reading this - it’s fine, I went and met some friends but it’s just weird! And I can’t make head nor tail of it! I guess I’m also a little freaked out because I would have said she was a friend and I can’t understand what she got from this? For all of it I’d like to know she’s ok.

I think the key is in your description of her OP- she is "chaotic". Whilst all of us experience events outside of our control - eg break ups, job loss, bereavement, financial issues etc the fact her life is a constant rollercoaster of chaos and drama is likely to be more about her and the way she handles her life than random uncontrollable events that just "happen" to her constantly.

I've known several people in my life like this- their lives are a constant theatre of chaos and drama and whilst shitty things do happen of course, I can tell you with assurance that the things happening to the people I know were largely due to their own actions and choices. I say that with zero accusation or blame towards them, but it's just obvious to me that our actions have consequences and their resulting constant chaos was a direct result of their actions.

People with constant drama are a big red flag to me and I tend too stay away from them as a result. My guess is - she has been lying and exaggerating aspects of her life to you and couldnt face actually meeting up with you because then she'd be facing all the chaos she has created. Why would she do this?- simple: to get attention. It sounds like she has been getting attention not only from you but from others on here too.

Not everyone who catfishes does it for money or sex, she may get a huge ego boost from your attention and care because it validates her and the lies create a drama and mystery around her that make her feel important. Dont underestimate the value some people get out of mere attention.

There will be others I think... 'She' will have done this before, surely?!

It's sooo weird. Can someone you know try the FB page or calling the number to see who answers?!

How odd! Just put it in the “people are very peculiar sometimes” file and forget about it. Maybe the drama/chaos she lives in/with wasn’t true either?

Sounds to me like someone who has created an online persona as a weird, but not that unusual pastime, and she has been using you as part of her role play. When she saw your post, she reached out to connect, using the tried and tested 'I can relate because it's happening to me too' approach to establish a connection. She has then spent the last 4 years living in her character, with you providing a Co star and audience. I think she took the pretence to the wire because she really didn't want it to end or was so lost in it, she couldn't. Or possibly its another twist in the story she's living and you'll hear from her again with some dramatic explanation for her behaviour.

@VerbenaGirl

nah, I think it’s more likely that he/she is just a fucking weirdo

In light of your 09:51 update, I'd assume she was some sort of fantasist.

Someone who has created an entire life and world for herself that doesn't really exist.

Like the imaginative play of a child but with real life people. Or at least real life in the sense that she doesn't have to imagine their personalities or responses because they're generated by actual people.

Given the fact that she is posting threads that elicit "dm me if you want to talk" type responses, she is clearly someone presenting as a person with sympathetic problems and, with respect to you (and anyone who has sent these kind of "dm me if you want to talk" invitations) the people who engage on this level are also a specific type of person - vulnerable in their own way either through difficult shared experiences or poor boundaries.

Eg, if I've got time and nothing else to do and relevant experience, I'll post on a thread and support someone a fair bit. But I would never dm or invite someone to dm me because I don't want that level of investment in a stranger's life - I don't have the time or the inclination to be someone else's support. Even if the support is mutual, it might still not be 'healthy' in reality. If that makes sense? I know this because there have been times in my 20 years of MN use when I have been very vulnerable and have felt tempted by the lure of an anonymous online friendship in that way.

Given you've said there were no actual red flags (eg asking for money), I assume this is someone who has created an elaborate and multilayered virtual existence for themselves. Someone who is unable (for many potential reasons) or unwilling to move their fantasy virtual life into reality.

I can understand your bemusement though!

If you have found the 'friendship' valuable or support etc over the last 4 years, I'd takeaway that positive and I hope that whatever you had going on at the time has improved for you.

Yes, this

You've been catfishes.

It was probably a man.

And he was probably watching you while you were waiting.

Definitely had a close call there.

I share your bewilderment @Crazylittlethingcalledpeople . Just one thought when you say that you “bonded over a similar situation” who mentioned this first. Was it you and ‘she’ said “oh wow me too!” Which indicates she might have been building up a persona you would relate to?

People can be so strange.

I'd also say, having skimread some of the responses on here, that vulnerable people can be identified by those used to doing it quite easily.

Eg questioning why you didn't invite her to stay at yours or suggesting something might have happened to her when the former would have been a ridiculous and potentially dangerous idea and the latter ignores all the other detail that prove it wasn't this.

People see what they want to see.

Did I read in one of your updates that 'she' changed her username here a lot? If so how do you know it was 'her'? 'She' could have been whatsapping you copying the facts of whatever she read on here?

Have you listening to the podcast Sweet Bobby? There are some wierd ppl out there.

Im sorry this happened to you. I'd be freaked out as well.

Edited for typo

This sounds reasonably realistic. (I have read the whole thread yet though so guess things could have developed further along).

I attended a course a few years ago where a few of us became friends and continued to meet up socially once the course ended. One woman who joined in with the friendship group was a bit of a spiky character and not always easy to be with but she had lost her partner a couple of years previously and so we made allowances for her as someone who was still grieving - we were all consitently nice to her.
Anyway, I lived quite close to this woman and she invited me over to her place a couple of times for drinks / chat in the evening, I assumed she felt she's made a connection with me and trusted me as a friend - she told me all about losing her partner and I spent a lot of time listening and 'being there' for her. At some point I invited her to mine for the evening for drinks and nibbles she accepted and said she was looking forward to it. So the evening she was due to come, I was sat there with drinks and nibbles ready and she didn't turn up! She ignored my messages asking if she was okay / still coming / and never messaged or spoke to me again. I would see her on the street or in one of the local shops afterwards and she always just blanked me - very odd.
One of the other women from the group messaged her some time afterwards saying we missed her and was she okay and she sent a message back which just said "never contact me again"! It was totally baffling - none of us had ever said or done anything wrong to her or about her.
When I think back I do recall her being online a lot and from the snippets she told me I got the impression she was a bit of a troll online, she would be rude to people or post goady things and think it was funny, she also used dating sites a lot, she would speak to men online for ages and arrange dates but then she would also take the piss out of the men she was talking to and I don't think she ever actually went on any of the dates!
I still see her occasionally now and it's as if she's never known me. OP I can imagine her doing something like the woman you arranged to meet did and I guess you'll never work out what was going on there - it's just a bit of a head fuck really isn't it.

It's so sad that you're now left feeling a bit stupid, as you put it. It sounds as if you definitely didn't do anything wrong. So don't feel stupid! Doubtless there is an explanation out there, but you're going to have to accept your may never find out what happened, out it out of your mind and don't blame yourself.

One thing - sometimes FB blocks people by mistake. There was a thread on here a while back and lots of posts saying it had happened to them. One woman said she and her sister kept getting blocked but both knew they hadn't done it. So FB does mess up sometimes.

I'd be worried the person followed me home

That’s very telling.

Report her to Mumsnet. She might be doing this to numerous women with different stories.

Some people are just plain odd. 🤷

I 'met', digitally, a woman on a forum (not this one) years ago and she was so friendly and chatty, we texted back and forth for months. She was great. Except she wasn't. She saw me interact online with another poster who she didn't like and blimey, I got the shock of my life when she started texting abuse to me. She called me all the names under the sun and more. It was a lesson learned for me and I would never 'make friends' with anyone else online again.

My guess is she’s a total fantasist. One of those people that enjoy setting up fake lives and stories as it gives them some weird kick.

The persona and stories she created for you are not real. She assumed you’d never meet and let the friendship and lies grow and get deeper, until the inevitable happened and the suggestion of meeting came up.

She’s gone along with us as far as possible and it’s come to the end of the line for her. You’ll get too close and find out she’s not who she said she was. So she’s blocked and ghosted and is no doubt already telling stories to several other “friends”.

OP's known her for 4 years and been in constant touch , she didn't suspect anything until she didn't turn up .

Unfortunately, the truth really is often stranger than fiction. Who knows what the real story is. Whatever the case was, this person obviously has some issues. Take it as a lesson. It's unfortunate that this experience will probably have you wondering about new people for quite a long time and not be quite so trusting now but it will also make you less likely to fall for anyone else's nonsense. I'm sorry this happened. It would take me quite a while to get over the 'why did this happen to me?!' questions. Maybe also change your name here.

Let's hope that this thread is a heads up to any posters here have posted about being in a fairly vulnerable situation.

If you receive a DM, then just be cautious and not too trusting, as that the person may not be who you think they are.

I’m also wondering if it’s someone from the OP’s past who was playing some kind of revenge game.

How do you know she blocked you?

So weird!!