Absolutely bemused by this and also feeling a bit stupid

[Crazylittlethingcalledpeople]

This makes me sound like a total idiot but never mind.

I encountered a woman on mumsnet about four years ago who was experiencing a similar situation to me. She DM’d me and we communicated back and forth for a while before swapping numbers and moving to WhatsApp.

Ive seen her posts on mumsnet since - so who knows, she might see this!

Anyway, we have messaged back and forth on and off for the last four years. Sometimes not in touch for a couple of months, other times every day. She’s painted a fairly chaotic situation in her personal life and mine hasn’t been plain sailing.

We’ve never actually spoken on the phone in this time which I guess is weird but I hate the phone 🤣

Anyway, she then suggested finally meeting up for a meal and a drink - she lives about 3 hours from me - but she said she would drive nearish to me and stop over. I sent her a link for a hotel and booked somewhere for dinner and then we planned to have a few drinks.

So yesterday she messages to say what time she’s leaving. She keeps me updated with where she is and the time she should arrive. I head over at roughly the time she is expected… she messages to say she’s just parking her car and I walked over to the restaurant to wait for her.

And… that was it. I waited for twenty minutes and then tried to call her - went to answerphone. Then nothing on WhatsApp was delivering and it was clear she must have blocked me. I waited forty minutes in total in case (unlikely) her phone had lost charge, delayed checking in etc but absolutely nothing. I’m also blocked on her fb.

It must be one of the most bizarre things to ever happen to me.
She’s never asked me for money or anything weird… I mean clearly she never set off or had the intention of meeting me… but literally five minutes before blocking me she said ‘I’ve arrived.’

My brain is really like 🤯 because I can’t see why she’d bother all that time and then suggest meeting and then - ghost me?

So if she is reading this - it’s fine, I went and met some friends but it’s just weird! And I can’t make head nor tail of it! I guess I’m also a little freaked out because I would have said she was a friend and I can’t understand what she got from this? For all of it I’d like to know she’s ok.

Have you ever listened to the podcast ‘Sweet Bobby’. It’s catfishing on a much more impactful scale than your situation, but in the same way the catfisher invested so much time for basically no reason at all. It’s very weird what people will do.

This is really odd. And it’s just reminded me of something that happened years ago to a friend of mine. He and another male friend had shared a house with two girls all through uni. They seemed really close mates - only friends nothing more. After we graduated they were supposed to be meeting up for a night out. It was all arranged, and then one of the girls just never showed up and the others never heard from her again. They also rang her parents to check nothing awful had happened and she was fine.

That's not a serious question is it?

Sorry haven't read the full thread but OP just make sure no one has tampered with your house- put cameras in etc - someone went to the effort to make sure you were out for a significant period of time. Stranger things have happened!

Either catfish or compulsive liar I’m afraid.

I did consider that but if she had been attacked etc then she wouldn't have blocked the OP, would she?

I don’t think you can really get a sense of it from online messages and her online persona alone.

I think it’s more that some people are comfortable with some social situations and extremely anxious with others. A date with a man she’s been speaking to a few days might be ok but maybe meeting you in person (who she’s been talking to you for years) had just too big a build up and the stakes were too high.

Also she may have exaggerated things like the dates in her messages and done similar ghosting things with the men out of anxiety.

I’m sorry OP, sadly this shit is rife online. This person just wanted the attention and kept it going as long as she could. She is probably quite unhappy in real life, and likes the validation.

People can be anybody online. That’s why I remain skeptical about most of the drama posts I read on here, especially the ones in a crisis who somehow keep up with live updates and drip feed… I always just think they’re loving the attention and it’s bullshit.

Remember when the woman married to Alec Baldwin created a whole other Spanish persona (despite being born and brought up in the US), she affected a faux Spanish accent, even pretending to not know the English for certain words and changed her name to a Spanish version. Super weird. Even when she was rumbled she still kept it up, I guess some people prefer a fake version of themselves.

Hi there, I would just try and put this to the back of your mind. I don't think you will ever find out the reason for why this person never turned up so I wouldn't waste energy on it. If this person thinks anything of you then they will contact you but otherwise let it go. X

i would think compulsive liar op, fantasist

You were catfished, clearly. It's so overwhelming to comprehend, but that's what happened. You absolutely must accept this. Nothing else is a reasonable explanation. People are batshit, and I'm sorry this happened to you.

I used to post on a forum that was specifically for people trying to leave toxic relationships. There were so many trolls on there, people who would post about their story for months and then suddenly it would somehow become clear they'd been making it up.

I had a couple of women PM me for reasons similar to yours OP - there were similarities between our stories and they were saying thanks and offering mutual support. One of them I realised was likely making everything up. She sent photos of herself, all sorts of details about her life and what she got up to - I can't remember now how it all unravelled as it was years ago, but it did seem bizarre to me that someone would put so much time and energy into making things up, creating a connection with someone online but not asking for money etc. The other person I think was genuine as I'm still friends with them on Facebook (we no longer exchange messages) and her posts and interactions with other people seem genuine. But it's impossible to be sure I guess

I think some people have a lot of extra time on their hands and just want the attention. Some people enjoy making stuff up for reasons we might not be able to understand. It's creepy to realise you have no idea who you've been talking to, but it could well be no more sinister than someone wanting attention.

wrong thread sorry

She may be an introvert and tried really hard to meet with you but at the last minute chickened out.

it’s socially expected to meet and eat sbd drink together, but introverts just can’t socialise in the same way others can. We try to conform to the norms, but in an ideal world it should be ok to have friendships without the expectation that meeting for meals is mandatory.

Op, they have likely moved onto someone else now, and decided to end this relationship, said they’d come to you so you didn’t travel far, as they were never coming. The lying to the end is brutal. But yeah they probably have someone else they are catfishing now with a whole other fantasy life. Put it behind you, they have something very wrong with them, and it is sad they involved you in it.

There a Netflix series about this. Absolutely insane that the catfisher did it. Seemed really mean - like they really must have hated the victim to do this to them.

If the meet up was yesterday then if she had booked the hotel for last night she would be about to check out so wouldn’t be that odd to call the hotel now and leave a message for her. Something like ‘can you tell name weirdo mumsnetter that I’m running late but I’ll pick her up from nearby cafe’ or some other bollocks. They might not tell you any information but might say that they have no one there with that name?

Maybe she was in a new relationship & a partner came with her & they've stopped her seeing you & made her block you.

No - never suggested she stay with me. The city we were supposed to meet in was about 45 mins from me and slightly nearer to her. Also she said she might then explore the city on Saturday.

I’ve reread the latest thread that I know of and a couple of people on there have replied to her and said ‘dm me if you want to,’ so maybe she is now in contact with someone else. Who knows?! I mean she did seem to befall a lot of disasters in her personal life and make some crazy decisions at times. Everyone seemed to want her.

Who knows. She couldn’t have come to my house whilst I was out because she doesn’t know my address, thankfully.

I’ve never sent any photos I’d be worried about of me or my kids so that’s ok. I think. I mean it’s still kind of weirding me out but I guess I have to just chalk it up to experience. I was incredulous on Friday.

That sounds really unsettling, op.

I do think it would be a good idea jo give MN her username. They can check her history. See if she's messaging others.

No harm done if she's not and if she is, you might save a few people going through the same weirdness.

I used to work with a woman I can imagine doing this - she had a “fantasy” life online and she would tell different outlandish stories to different people at work (swearing us all to secrecy). It all fell apart when she took it way too far and people became concerned for her safety / thinking she was going to hurt herself and started talking to each other. She ended up leaving the workplace and if someone had told me about it I don’t think I’d have believed them - it was one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever experienced. She also blocked me (and others) from everything while it was all unravelling. I think it’s entirely possible that a lot of the issues she was telling you / mumsnet about weren’t actually real. Sorry this happened to you. It was such a headfuck when similar happened to me as I had genuinely cared for and empathised with this woman and it turned out non of it was true.

I’ve never done this to someone but I’ve been to quite a few Meetup events and there were a couple of times when I literally got to the door and just thought “nope, I can’t do this” and went home. Only in a group setting of strangers so no one noticed/cared if I was there or not. I would never do this to one person, and if we’d messaged for four years then I’d probably already think of them as a friend.
To other people (including my friends) I’m a bit awkward with strangers but completely fine and have a pretty normal life, but inside I’ve had intense social anxiety since I was a kid that I have to hide in order to exist in the world. So I can kind of understand this woman’s actions and assume she just panicked and couldn’t think of an excuse, but it’s very rude and very bizarre.
I feel bad for her because if this is the case I imagine she would’ve either stayed in the hotel all night or driven home feeling awful, upset and so embarrassed. I just can’t believe someone would say they’d set off and arrived when they hadn’t as other posters have suggested – what’s the point? And because you’d shared photos and she posts on MN I can’t think of a reasonable catfish or scam situation

The only thing i can think is that she wanted something romantic and maybe she saw you and you werent her type, people are weird...when i started internet dating years ago i spoke online with a man who wanted to meet, we chatted a lot and i found out he was a born female lesbian who looked butch, im.straight and i said but im straight and when we met i would have known you were female all very weird

My first thought is that fear overcame them.

I would ask MN to look into it just in case.... it's definitely worth flagging at least because it does sound like a Catfish scenario.

But I also can't help thinking that if I told someone I was travelling 3 hours and had booked a hotel to meet an online friend that I'd never spoken to over the phone or video that they would tell me I was absolutely insane and not to go. So it's perfectly possible that she chickened out and didn't want to say so avoiding the entire situation by blocking you was the easiest thing to do in that moment.

You could resolve one question by calling the hotel pretending to be her and saying you left something in the room but you can't remember your room number. If they can't find the booking then you know she never intended on meeting.