To share my list of things wrong with my DH - feel free to share yours!

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

I know I’m not perfect but I’m not sure if I can stay married any longer. Here are some things my DH does that I can’t stand.

1. He told me that he doesn’t want to donate to the RNLI any more as they are picking up migrants in small boats.
2. Told me he hates women’s football.
3. Constantly makes comments about women’s appearance, either while out and about or on TV. This is in front of our two girls and I don’t want them hearing it.
4. Has not made me orgasm in over 2 years as I’ve got the ick.
5. Leaves all our bed sheets yellow all the time as he can’t be bothered to shower more than twice a week. (Has the gross oily back of the head thing that men over 50 get)
6. Times how long the children have for dinner so that they end up forcing their food and have got indigestion once from it.
7. He’s 14 years older than me. He just doesn’t have the positivity any more that he used to. We’ve just been away with friends and he basically didn’t stop moaning the whole time.
8. Never buys a gift for my birthday or anniversary.

What should I do? We started off having a lot in common but now he is more right wing and quite frankly I find his views insufferable and they have really changed the way I feel about him.

Why are you letting him treat your children like that. They will grow up with issues around food, meal times and just just for a start! For your children’s sake tell him to go or leave now.

OK, so I was coming on to say: snoring, asking stupid questions with very obvious answers, being indecisive. Which are all minor irritations.

Yours are in a different league so I'm glad you are considering your next moves.

He is neither a loving husband nor a loving father. The opposite in fact. You need to leave him but do it all in secret and don't let him know. Your solicitor should advise you.

I thought this was gonna be one of those lighthearted ‘argh I could kill my DH for his eating noises’. Bloody hell. I couldn’t be married to someone based on point 1, never mind the rest.

I think you know what you have to do

Why? Why does he? For what purpose? It’s not even healthy to rush food - and for the love of god why are you going along with this ridiculousness?

The timed and forced silent eating is utterly abusive. I am genuinely horrified by that.

Is this what you want your children to think relationships are like? Because they will.

Exactly this. I was expecting lighthearted but this is bad.
I think you know what you need to do OP.

Divorce him

I think my DP is pretty perfect. Apart from gas. I don't wanna talk about the gas!😵‍💫

Things wrong with exDH1. He absolutely changed after we got married and had DDs.

• Never happy. We had two healthy DDs, a lovely home, no money worries.
• Sexist. Did not accept that household chores and mental load ought to be shared.
• Disloyal. Always cultivated relationships with my family members that I wasn’t close to & repeatedly told me how wonderful they were.
• Financially controlling.
• A lazy parent unless there was an audience.

Things wrong with exDH2. Again he put on an amazingly good show until we were married.

• Alcoholic in complete denial
• Rude to my DDs and frequently overstepped the mark
• Low level racist
• King of DARVO and a complete Dicktim
• Dishonest and untrustworthy

They both obviously had good points too. I tried really hard to communicate, set boundaries, attend couples therapy - but they didn’t accept the need for behavioural change. There came a point as a role model to my DDs, I had to say enough!

Aside from the child abuse he doles out, which is the make or break issue…

’he can’t be bothered to shower more than twice a week’ Gross just gross 🤢.

He has a big ego? Does he think he’s Elvis or something?

I bet you’re lovely. It’s so hard ref the potential child custody sharing. Would you be able to go for full custody? A judge wouldn’t look lightly on his forcing the children to eat habit.

Put a password on your phone!!!!
And get him to clean up the loo. Revolting.

I just realised I am married to a saint!

The food control thing freaks me out OP, major red flag. I think you need to confront him seriously on this. Whether you leave him or not he'll still have mealtimes with the kids so I think you need to address this ASAP either way.

Your dh sounds like a misogynist xenophobic jerk.

On a more lighthearted note, the thing mine does that really grinds my gears at the moment is that he chops a head of lettuce (romaine, little gem, etc) so as to eat the top leafy bit first. Instead of pulling leaves off and chopping the whole leaf. He likes the top green leafy bit and not the white stalk/heart bit.

So he just chops the whole head so he has the nice bit at the top and then if like, right then, here you go, and the only bit left is the hard bitter bit at the bottom. He genuinely thinks this is a perfectly acceptable way to manage the lettuce. We are literally on the brink of having his and hers lettuces because I’ve had about enough.

A lot on here could do a lot better by being single.

He is a misogynist, unhygienic, controlling.

What exactly does he bring to the relationship?

it’s a divorce for me. I wouldn’t want my children growing up around that and to accept that behaviour.

How horrible he is. you would need to report him for abuse timing the eating is disturbing you are meant to eat slowly he might as well slap them this timing is no different how are you accepting this you need to be brave and tell him to stop being ridiculous please get your kids out safely before he ruins there lives.

He sounds utterly foul. Leave him and live a happy, orgasmic, clean sheeted, well digested, inclusive life without this turd of a human dragging you down

I want to know more about this supposedly commonplace “oily back of the head thing”.

What is this strange phenomenon and why haven’t I come across it yet?

I think you'd be failing yourself - and your dds - by not leaving tbh.

At least they'd have respite from him 50% of the time or more.

Making your kids eat in silence and setting a time limit is exceptionally mental. Not showering is grim and I’m also not aware of the oily back of the head thing. I really hope I don’t get that when I’m older. I normally take issue with a lot of the ltb mumsnetters but in this case I agree with it. You’re married to a proper weirdo.

my partner has a lot of quirks too:

she doesn’t flush the toilet if it’s just a wee. She’ll go out and leave it. It stinks after a while believe me.

never, ever makes the bed.

untidy/lazy beyond belief. Just leaves piles of shit everywhere.

hoards absolute junk that there is never going to be a use for.

has to make sure everything is 50/50 unless it favours her.

claims she loves dogs, we have 2, but never, ever walks them or picks up their shit in the garden.

never uses the washing machine and has to be crowbared into putting stuff in the dryer if I’ve done a wash before going to work.

wont load/unload the dishwasher.

never hoovers.

there’s other stuff but I won’t go into it.

I'm far from perfect but I try to do my best. Have come fairly close to holding my hands up and bailing out over a few things but I stick at it because I do love her. None of these compare to some of the things on your list though. The RNLI thing is actually an opinion that a lot of people share at the moment but some of the other stuff you’ve listed is appalling and could be very damaging to your children in time, if not already.

if you won’t get out of that situation for yourself, do it for them. And as a dad I’m sorry to say this, but get the courts to restrict his time with them so they aren’t eating meals in his presence. They deserve better.

Heart goes out to you - one factor for me was thinking what kind of (damaging) time the children might have on "agreed" visits with their Dad post Divorce and me not allowed to be there to protect them from emotional harm - we were saved by him getting a job away from home that eased the pressure and now they are past teen years

Does he have any redeeming features?
Sounds like a very hateful person

What is this gross oily back of head thing that men over 50 get? He’s got that simply because he’s a soap dodger.