Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

What do you define as paradise?

My paradise for example would be living somewhere like the Lofoten Islands or possibly Tromsø. Absolutely beautiful, my idea of paradise. Some peoples idea is London, or New York.

Other peoples idea of paradise is a barge on a canal.

Who are you to tell OP what she should consider to be paradise? Also, if you only consider the people you live with to be family and not parents, siblings, cousins, friends etc then I’d feel incredibly sorry for you.

OP, as far as not having family, yes, my parents chose that for me. Don't think it doesn't have implications. In my teenage years I started to try different churches in search of family I never had. But they aren't family and they have their own families. My parents hated it as I drifted into that realm for a good few years leaving them behind in search of the wider network. I met my DH after that and decided to create my own family by having a load of children (which totally changed the direction of my life as it's not really compatible with much of a career). I can say that has been successful in giving me some family and they have each other. I have told them how sorry I am not to be able to give them extended family, since I never had it to give them.

I can tell you who is getting left behind in this - my parents. Who now think it wasn't worth it. Me and sibling returned to country of origin (can't really form family connections though, since there's too much shared experience missed), but they are all alone, stuck in the country they chose.

Moved nearer London for husband's new job, found good local state schools for sons, and bought another house! Mind you we lost a fortune in the process...it was a long time ago. I should be honest and say my journalist dad sold our story to Aussie TV and they paid for the flights home.

Wow sounds a hell of an experience.. are you happy now? Are you glad you're home or would you go back?

@ItIsFoggy I don’t have extended family either and was orphaned young. I have a great life-my kids do too even though they rarely see cousins on their dads’ side. You make the best of the hand you’ve been dealt. You don’t need to be sorry about no extended family-unless you’re idealising it. Lots of involved extended family may bring issues too-look at how many people on Mumsnet have problems with family overstepping boundaries. Many people I know with family adore some and not so much others. You had experiences other people may wish they had-which is why I say play the hand you’re dealt. The most important people in a child’s life are ultimately the parents.

The only comment OP needs to think about.

There is an excellent chance he would not let her take the kids even now. She has no power really. I know a shedload of Poms who came to Nz/Aus for a short time and ended up staying permanently. The media always talk about the ping pong Poms or the boomerang Poms who swiftly go home and sometimes ping back again, but plenty settle quickly and never do go back. If that's OP's husband and he refuses permission for his children to leave, she does not have any viable options.

I am in an international marriage, with kids, and it's honestly bowel-tremblingly terrifying when you start to think about how vulnerable you are at any time you and your spouse deviate from the same path.

I understand this and I have a good life. I am very good at making the most of what I have. I have met the odd cousin once or twice and we got on very well. I know families aren't perfect, but I am aware of the extended family relations and know a few I would have had regular contact with. Even just one or two extended relatives would have been good. Friends are often busy with their own extended families in the weekend. I don't idealise the family and realise I wouldn't have contact with most of them, but a handful would be nice. I have a huge extended family I will never really know. It's a huge hole in my life but that doesn't mean I don't have a great life in spite of it.

I AM sorry I can't give my children extended family. They do miss out because of it. So do my parents but that was the result of their choices, so I'm not feeling any real sadness over that for them.

Australia has a lot going for it, but it is definitely not 'paradise'. It's a normal country with many of the same problems that Britain and other countries have. People get the kids ready for school, go to work, get stuck in traffic and argue with their partners just like they do everywhere else. Paradise it is not.

I think this post is a warning to all mums thinking about emigration - particularly if you have young children - factor in if you would be ok remaining in that country yourself for years, also check out situation on right to remain if on partner/husbands visa etc - no one wants shit to happen but it can and does. Same applies even in EU by the way but the big difference is it’s an awful lot easier and cheaper to keep in touch with family if nipping back from Utrecht or Valencia than it is from Australia - and same in reverse for your family/friends. It isn’t just an ‘ooh let’s try it and see what we think’ it involves cost, considerable cost and whilst if it’s just the 2 of you it’s easy to think well it’s only money , if it involves kids it’s upending newly created networks for them, school hassles in some cases, just somewhat unsettling . We moved a lot when my son was between 10 and 16 and I know my son even though he is now 27 had a lot of resentment about this.

we also lived in Copenhagen for 20 months and it was just the 2 of us and had to come back for various reasons- that’s a very different thing as I could easily have come back on my own as could H . Please do think about these things and factor them in before just fancying a bit of an adventure or dealing with partners that constantly have itchy feet .

What are you talking about?? I've said nothing of the kind??

I've posted twice.
I've asked whereabouts you live in OZ as it may have some bearing on your situation
and
that maybe you should step back from the thread for a bit as you have mentioned there are so many opinions on here.🙄

I agree. The son of a friend of mine went to live in Australia and now he and his wife are separated. He would love to come home but that would mean leaving his two young sons on the other side of the world, so he's stuck there until they grow up. I know someone else in a similar situation in Canada, which isn't quite so far, but you still can't just pop over for the weekend like you could to, say, France or Spain.

So as you're saying, if you're a parent of young children considering emigrating, you have to be prepared to stay in that country until your children are grown. Trouble is, you can't really know if you'll be happy until you've spent some time there, by which point it may be too late to change your mind.

Honestly, OP, get a job. It will make a world of difference.

The Hague Convention is really not fit for purpose. It needs reform. Women have been trapped abroad by men who have physically and emotionally abused them, even if they’ve barely been in their new country for five minutes.

They aren't even married which adds to the vulnerability even more. Judging by OPs update, she's allowed him to kick the can down the road for another few months. Sadly, I think OP may have sealed her fate. An opportunity they thought they'd give a try has already been very costly.

The only thing I can suggest now is extended holidays in the UK and family going over for to Oz for long breaks. Or meet in the middle for holidays. This is the only way she can spend any decent amount of time with her family.

It's a long time since I read a thread that makes me feel despair for the OP like this.

No matter what the intentions were, OP may have been tricked/manoeuvred out of her home country and away from her family forever. All because she believed her partner would prioritise her wellbeing as he said he would. It's chilling to see of how this unfolded. You never really know someone.

@IcedPurple I know and that’s the rub -

Yes @BySassyGreenPanda this thread also made me feel sad. You read about a lot of tough situations for women on here but this one is a particularly sympathetic story.

We all make mistakes and go into things naively, or to please / support our partners, or without thinking through the consequences, but gosh what a price to pay in this case.

OP wishing you all the best. I hope you can bring your children home to the UK one day. Let us know if you ever do.

Might be worth moving this thread to the Living Overseas board to offer future food for thought to other mumsnetters.

Australia isn't paradise and OP is unhappy. Telling her to grow up isn't going to lead to some damascene conversion where OP sees the light and realises that despite feeling lonely and isolated and missing her family back in the UK, she should just put up and shut up and do whatever her husband wants.

Once you get on that plane your marriage is over
That's the choice you are making.if you love him ,you need to stay and give it a bit longer. If your DH is a medic its not that easy to up and leave we'll say a consultant/ specialised area pathway. You need to understand his point too in regards ro career

🙄Be with your family, support your husband and stop thinking about your partial self awareness and happiness over the overall family happiness, ...these people today lost the sense of motherhood sacrifice. If your husband is good human being there's nothing to think about. Grow a spine

It's hard to disagree with the many posters urging the OP to take the opportunity to return to the UK with her children while she still can.

If the OP remains in Australia much longer, she risks becoming stuck there, as her partner can stop the children moving to the UK. She could find herself in a difficult position if her DP decided to leave her.

The main issue is whether the OP is prepared to rise to the challenge of returning to the UK as a single parent.

Parenting alone and providing for a family is challenging. It demands tough decisions, long working hours, and significant emotional and financial resilience.
Is the OP truly prepared for the challenge?

How much support can she realistically expect from her parents? Her parents are currently urging her to give life in Australia another try.

In Australia, the OP hasn't shown a willingness to make difficult choices such as seeking employment, using childcare, and making an effort to settle in. Will she be more willing to take those steps in more challenging circumstances if she returns to the UK?

Family are what make a place. You can have a fancy pool and a big BBQ but what is the point of you have empty chairs around it. (As my little one pointed out today)

You are with your family. Unless your mum is more family than your DP.

Empty chairs can be filled with local socialising and friends you make through work. You cannot expect to pitch up in a country and chairs to fill themselves.

@EastGrinsteadi have also asked op if she has thought through returning to the uk as a single parent and all that it entails. Family can help out but childcare full time? That’s a tough ask. Where will they live? The oldest is nearly of a school age - what is the likelihood of a place at a school where op wants to live? It’s a tough one for her with no easy options and sadly no compromise.

My grandparents were both Scottish, both emigrated to Canada in the 1920s, she with her entire family, he with his brother and cousins, all of whom didn't stay long. They got married, had a family, then my grandfather decided he wanted to go back to Scotland. In terms of timing it was awful. 1937. They were in Scotland for the war, in a house with no running water, sharing a tap with other families. They sent their eldest daughter back over to Canada with a visiting cousin because she was having a nervous breakdown and the plan was for them all to save up and go back but of course they couldnt because of the war.

People in the town used to say my gran could have swum back to Canada with all the tears she shed. She was from a completely different part of Scotland too.

My mum's brother and sister emigrated back to Canada after the war but my mum stayed with her parents so the family was well and truly split.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. My mother and my grandmother were both very unhappy women and my grandfather never properly settled back in Scotland. When they retired my grandparents visited Canada every year. My grandfather learned for it but was never happy when he was there, but he wasn't that happy at home either.

Both my aunts had no problems moving back to Canada but my uncle yearned his whole life for Scotland.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that it's complicated. You can never get back what you left and you can't go back to how it was. Anything you do will have repercussions. Life in the UK won't be as brilliant as you think.

But your feelings are very normal. Therapy might be a good idea xx

Just reread - dc are 8 and 1.5yrs. Is it the 8yr old who is missing the uk? Did they go to school here?

Don't be a child. Nowhere is paradise.