Neighbour keeps feeding my child - WWYD?

[AwayWeb]

Bit of a weird one and I’m probably overthinking it but would appreciate outside views.

Our 6yo daughter often plays with the neighbour’s grandson - their garden backs onto ours and they go between the two. It’s all very casual. They’re similar ages and get on well, so I don’t mind the time they spend together.

The neighbour is the boy’s grandmother (his mum drops him off there most days after school) and while she seems nice, I don’t actually know her well. We wave, chat briefly over the fence, but we’ve never had a proper conversation or anything.

What’s bothering me is that nearly every time DD comes back from playing, she’s eaten a whole meal over there. Not just a snack - an actual meal. Things like sausage rolls, fish fingers, chips, even dessert. She came back yesterday saying she had trifle. TRIFLE. She’s 6. She doesn’t even know what trifle is at home.

We’re vegan as a family and although we’ve never made a big deal out of it, I think they know. DD has mentioned it and I’ve said things like “oh she won’t eat that, we don’t do meat”. But they clearly feed her meat anyway. I don’t want to be the overbearing food mum but I feel a bit… undermined?

DH says it’s harmless and to let it go. He thinks I’m being precious and that a few fish fingers won’t kill her. Which, fair. But I just feel a bit odd about it all. I never gave permission for them to feed her, and it’s happening regularly now. It feels like they’re doing us a favour we didn’t ask for, and I can’t tell if I’m being rude by not saying thank you or being walked over by not saying stop.

Would it be completely out of order to ask them not to feed her anymore? Or at least ask what they’re giving her? I’m not trying to start neighbour wars but it’s making me a bit anxious now.

WWYD?

Another thread to bring up the next time someone complains that they don't have a 'village' for the 'it takes a village thing'.

You see, I think this behaviour is generous and kind of the neighbours. Sausage rolls aren’t a meal, neither is trifle. But if they’re giving her fish fingers and chips, it probably suggests it their tea time and they can’t carry on with their tea / dinner and exclude your child.

I’d say ‘oh thanks ever so much, she said you often feed her.’

My view is that you aren’t parenting well if (a) you are imposing a vegan diet on a small child and (b) you have no idea where your child is and what she is doing for hours on end, expecting others to look after her and then moaning when they are doing it better than you.

Sort yourself out.

I'd be more worried about a 6 year old spending a long amount of time at a house where the Care Giver isn't really known to you, nevermind Triflegate

Lol I don’t think it’s horror as such more than OP just emphasising how great the variety of food DC gets fed to the point where some of it said child hasn’t even known the existence of previously! 😅

Maybe your child actually likes non vegan food.

OP, prevent your daughter from visiting their house, and the issue is resolved. You can guide her friendships by encouraging her to bond with kids you approve of, especially vegan ones, and by keeping her away from those who eat foods you prefer she avoids. Problem solved. Create a bubble and guard it with all your strength to prevent any external influences from entering.

The grans likely posting on here somewhere raging about her Cf neighbour sending her kid over every day to play with her grandson at dinner time and never returning the favour and having to feed her 😂

Nobody’s reading the OP’s posts are they? Where’s all this grumpiness coming from, is it the vegan thing or the trifle-dissing in the opening post that’s got so many people on the blast?

It’s not the meal that’s the issue.
Why are you letting your child to go round to someone’s house without checking in with the adults there?

You have taken the easy option to let DD stay at the boy's grans's around lunchtime and you know what is going to happen. You either tell her to come home for lunch or fetch her early before gran starts cooking. TBH, gran must be cheesed off that she's always the one providing lunch.

Presumably DD tells you she's going next door so you could even tell DD (in earshot of little boy) to come home at lunchtime. At six years old, that's quite within her capabilities to tell his granny what you say.

Yup.

What’s so gobsmacking about “TRIFLE”? 😂😂 honestly whats wrong with trifle? 😅 why does your six year old not know what trifle is? Dont you have Xmas trifle? Birthday trifle? Easter trifle?

Good lord! 🙄🙄🙄

I may be wrong here, but are you sure your daughter isn't asking for food while she's there?

I had a situation some years ago, where a neighbour's child (she was about 8 at the time), would often knock and come in to play with our 2 children, similar age.

She wasn't here for meals unless arranged, but the rest of the time it was constant - she'd pester for crisps, chocolate, lemonade etc, all things she wasn't allowed at home, or very rarely!

She wouldn't take no for an answer, whined constantly she was hungry and often wouldn't go home, even when her mum texted. We had to take her, even though her house was visible from our front garden!

Not saying your situation is similar of course, I don't know you; but something to ask the other child's grandma, maybe. I used to find havong her over quite stressful. x

You’re being ridiculous. Just because you’re vegan why should your child be? They are grandparents and likely of a generation where feeding a guest is always the done thing. What’s wrong with a trifle LOL. She’s 6 let her make her mind up about what she wants to eat, she obviously likes it. You seem very controlling.

The outrage at a trifle. I mean, TRIFLE 🤣
It's just jelly, sponge, cream and custard for heaven's sake.
Also, "we are a vegan house". Unless it's allergy based; no - you are the vegan. Your daughter is a 6yr old enjoying treats from her friend's house. Not sure why you'd want to deprive her from that.

Edited for terrible spelling. Must have been that shocking TRIFLE having an effect on me.

Grandmother is just old school. My grandmothers was the same. Who ever happened to be playing in her garden with me at meal time got fed. If I wanted a snack we all got a snack, same as £1 for the ice cream van. Maybe a "thank you" wouldn't go a miss and a "you don't have to" or an offer to provide her with some food or snacks or even feeding her grandchild as a return favour. Definitely talk to het about it though. I think she's just being nice!

I think the Grandma is likely just being kind by including your daughter.

That's madness that you let a 6 year old be in a house so long that they're feeding them and you don't know these people.
I have a 6 year old and no way would I let him spend so long at someone's house/garden without going round there and getting to know them. How do you know they are safe adults?
And for whatever reason that you do trust them, they are including your child, so go round there and say thank you for feeding them!

Imagine being six and never having had trifle. One of life’s great pleasures. Let them eat trifle!

Not sure why a 6 year old having trifle is so bad. My 3 year old eats it 🫣

Also I grew up vegetarian at a time when hardly anyone was but my parents weren’t so uptight that I couldn’t have what my friends were having for tea. Used to love being given sausages, chicken pie, spag bol etc. I expect your daughter is the same. I wouldn’t say I was deprived exactly, but lentil stew does get quite shit after a while and I think the other mums took pity on me.

I mean, for me the food isn’t the issue at all. It’s that whilst you’ve said several times that you’re supervising your DD, the reality is she’s in a strange person’s house for relatively long periods of time. You have no idea what’s going on in there beyond her being fed, you’ve even acknowledged you barely know them. Bit of a disaster from a safeguarding perspective.

I had this situation! It was also a Granny doing afterschool care. It was a gentrified area and we were the newcomers and granny was there for generations. She had grown up with all the neighbours children popping in and out and everyone getting fed everywhere.
I did not grow up like that. They did eat a fair amount of junk that they wouldn't get from me, but the kindness and generousity was just amazing to me. I can't imagine how it would even compute with her, if I asked her not to give my children trifle.
We moved from there a few years ago and the granny still sends my children a card at Easter and Christmas.