Neighbour keeps feeding my child - WWYD?

[AwayWeb]

Bit of a weird one and I’m probably overthinking it but would appreciate outside views.

Our 6yo daughter often plays with the neighbour’s grandson - their garden backs onto ours and they go between the two. It’s all very casual. They’re similar ages and get on well, so I don’t mind the time they spend together.

The neighbour is the boy’s grandmother (his mum drops him off there most days after school) and while she seems nice, I don’t actually know her well. We wave, chat briefly over the fence, but we’ve never had a proper conversation or anything.

What’s bothering me is that nearly every time DD comes back from playing, she’s eaten a whole meal over there. Not just a snack - an actual meal. Things like sausage rolls, fish fingers, chips, even dessert. She came back yesterday saying she had trifle. TRIFLE. She’s 6. She doesn’t even know what trifle is at home.

We’re vegan as a family and although we’ve never made a big deal out of it, I think they know. DD has mentioned it and I’ve said things like “oh she won’t eat that, we don’t do meat”. But they clearly feed her meat anyway. I don’t want to be the overbearing food mum but I feel a bit… undermined?

DH says it’s harmless and to let it go. He thinks I’m being precious and that a few fish fingers won’t kill her. Which, fair. But I just feel a bit odd about it all. I never gave permission for them to feed her, and it’s happening regularly now. It feels like they’re doing us a favour we didn’t ask for, and I can’t tell if I’m being rude by not saying thank you or being walked over by not saying stop.

Would it be completely out of order to ask them not to feed her anymore? Or at least ask what they’re giving her? I’m not trying to start neighbour wars but it’s making me a bit anxious now.

WWYD?

Sorry but I had to laugh at the capitalised “TRIFLE”. You’d swear they had given her Class A drugs not a dessert!
She’s in their home - they are eating and are being generous enough to invite her to share. If you don’t want her eating there - tell her that you don’t want her to ruin her appetite before her ne at home and tell her to say “ No - thank you” when offered food.
I can remember as a child of a similar age declining food because my mum was cooking dinner and would expect me to eat when I came home. It’s not a big deal at all

Whilst I'm sure it comes from a place of kindness, it really is remiss of the neighbour not to check with you that you are happy for the child to be eating and whether there are any allergies/intolerance.

However, you don't see your child's behaviour at the neighbour's, and she could be asking to be fed. I've had many of my kids' friends round who act like they are constantly starving!

I don't think 6.30 is very late for a 6 year old to be eating. What are the previous meals' timings?

you can say something like, if she is there when it comes time for your meal, feel free to shuffle her home. I don’t want her putting a crimp in your shopping budget.

barring medical needs, you can’t control the choices your child makes outside of your home. Your household is vegan, but your daughter is free to make her own decisions about food when she eats elsewhere. Parents really have very little control over their children’s diets once they get to school age.

Get a grip OP. The way you’re talking about bloody trifle you’d think that the neighbour was pumping your DD full of booze and cigarettes🤣

If you’re so unhappy with your DD eating a normal meal then the simple solution is to (shock horror!) look after your own child and stop sending her over to your neighbour’s house for free childcare. You could even be so kind as to offer to have the grandson over at your own home

I think they’re overstepping. I would never just go ahead and feed somebody’s child without checking with their parent first. I would have a word with them and nip it in the bud. Something like ‘thank you so much for feeding DD but we’re trying to make an effort to have dinner as a family.’ I’d probably reduce the amount of time she goes over there as well, because if they’re overstepping with this then who knows what else. She’s just kind of young to be out of sight for that long with somebody you’re not fully comfortable with.

Vegan at 6 years of age, no wonder she spends all her time over there eating forbidden food! I bet she has told her friend's grandmother and her eye's are probably like saucers when she sees what they are eating (kinda normal kiddie food).
Neighbour sounds lovely proper 'old school' neighbour like when I was a kid and people looked out for one another and there was a sense of community.
OP if you are not happy with the situation it is quite simple you just say please send her home when you eat as she has different dietary requirements, no drama, no upset, no problem.

I don't think you're overreacting but I would just chat to the gran. 'Oh hi, could you let me know if you're going to feed them, as I plan dinners and prefer if DD eats with us.' Or let your daughter know that she's to say yes to snacks but no to meals. She's 6, she's big enough to understand.
just the other day my 13 year old had a friend around and ask if she could eat dinner with us before being picked up. My immediate response was, is it ok with her mum? Has she checked that her mum doesn't have plans?
So I get that you feel maybe the neighbor should ask.

One of my favourite memories as a youngster was the lady who used to give me and my cousin cooked sausages wrapped in a tissue. We loved it. I’m 51 now - must have been 4 when this happened. Happened a few times when we were out playing

Sending your child over to someone else’s house 24/7 is also overstepping. It works both ways OP! Look after your own DD.

But you’re not being unreasonable if you are veggie/vegan

I can't stand trifle, wet sponge 🤢. DH and 6 year-old DS love it. DS and I made one at the weekend, some left over homemade lemon drizzle loaf, strawberries, blackberries and blueberries from the garden, we use wibble jelly forest fruits (which incidentally is vegan but I use it because it's low sugar and no additives/colourants etc), homemade custard I just make it a bit thicker than usual, whipped cream on top. I made a little separate one for me without the sponge. I'm not sure why it's junk, it's hardly turkey twizzlers and sunny delight!

I’m a life long vegetarian (alongside my DM) and think it’s borderline child abuse to deny your child animal products if that’s what they want to eat.

Thanks both. I have made notes and will be going in. I love my friend and we both love a lazy evening eating and chatting and eating some more so this will definitely be something for me to try.

edit: sorry @AwayWeb that thanks was for your tips too

I don’t think it’s 24/7 but whatever.

Mine doesn’t have allergies, so no harm done. But I’d have expected the host to check with me first before offering any food, especially at an age when they’re only just starting out on play dates without a parent staying too.
And, no, I don’t think a three hour play date requires snacks!

Presumably you're checking with the neighbour that its ok for your DD to pop in? When you do just say "no need to give her food please, she's got her dinner at home & we're vegan, thank you"

What would I do? Well since I'm not vegan and regard veganism as an unhealthy fad, I certainly wouldn't be worried about her eating meat and fish.

But I would expect the neighbour not to feed her entire meals unless it had actually been arranged with me that she would be eating her dinner (or other meals) there.

Talk to the neighbour about it and simply point out that her own dinner will be spoilt or wasted if she's been fed a full meal without your knowledge and agreement.

Feed your own child and get her back at meal times.

“Rubbish like sausage rolls and trifle” 🤣🤣🤣

its not exactly crack cocaine is it?

😂

There’s a clicky link on the bottom right of every OP’s post called ‘see all’. It’s dead handy when we have these longer threads and the OP has been good enough to engage (not an plopper, reads the replies etc) and the conversation moves forward.

I know. There's free trifle out there......somewhere

The neighbour has been told they don’t eat meat and has fed the child meat anyway. What an absolute twat move of her, I’d be so fucked off if that was my kid

There's a joke about this not being a trifling matter..........but lets stay on track

Not exactly health food either.

Fine occasionally but not great on a regular basis, although if the trifle (bleuch - horrible stuff) is fully homemade that wouldn't be too bad. Fish fingers and sausage rolls are rubbish food.