Neighbour keeps feeding my child - WWYD?

[AwayWeb]

Bit of a weird one and I’m probably overthinking it but would appreciate outside views.

Our 6yo daughter often plays with the neighbour’s grandson - their garden backs onto ours and they go between the two. It’s all very casual. They’re similar ages and get on well, so I don’t mind the time they spend together.

The neighbour is the boy’s grandmother (his mum drops him off there most days after school) and while she seems nice, I don’t actually know her well. We wave, chat briefly over the fence, but we’ve never had a proper conversation or anything.

What’s bothering me is that nearly every time DD comes back from playing, she’s eaten a whole meal over there. Not just a snack - an actual meal. Things like sausage rolls, fish fingers, chips, even dessert. She came back yesterday saying she had trifle. TRIFLE. She’s 6. She doesn’t even know what trifle is at home.

We’re vegan as a family and although we’ve never made a big deal out of it, I think they know. DD has mentioned it and I’ve said things like “oh she won’t eat that, we don’t do meat”. But they clearly feed her meat anyway. I don’t want to be the overbearing food mum but I feel a bit… undermined?

DH says it’s harmless and to let it go. He thinks I’m being precious and that a few fish fingers won’t kill her. Which, fair. But I just feel a bit odd about it all. I never gave permission for them to feed her, and it’s happening regularly now. It feels like they’re doing us a favour we didn’t ask for, and I can’t tell if I’m being rude by not saying thank you or being walked over by not saying stop.

Would it be completely out of order to ask them not to feed her anymore? Or at least ask what they’re giving her? I’m not trying to start neighbour wars but it’s making me a bit anxious now.

WWYD?

I can see why a six year old would not want to be vegan and would very happily accept fish fingers aswell. I expect it’s a massive novelty if you don’t eat anything like that at home ever!

You need to tell your child to come home when they start making food.you also need to get the grandmothers phone number and keep in closer contact with her about what is happening.
If it were me, i would get her number and be texting to say, 'i have dinner planned for sally later, can you tell her to come home if youre having dinner as we have something already made for her here'
I can imagine they are starting to cook dinner and your child is there, not being asked to come home and not leaving and so she gets offered a plate rather than sent home, which is very nice of them. They might be thinking, why is this child eating here all the time and dont her parents have dinner for her.
I wouldnt be letting my child just hang out at another persons house indefinitely, without me being in contact with the parent or in this place, grandparent. Asking them when their dinner is so I can get my child home and out of their way so they can eat and I can feed mine. Unless they were asked round for dinner then I would assume they are not invited.

I don't like custard so when I was a kid my mum used to make trifle with....

Angel delight!

Take a little present over, a plant or something and say you wanted to say thank you for always having her over to play. Tell them you appreciate them feeding her but her eyes are bigger than her belly and she needs to not eat away from home as she’s not always eating her meals as a result so can they pls remind her of this when she’s asking for food.

Jelly is not vegan nor is cream

It’s rude that your DD is imposing on them at meal time, and it’s crap of them to be feeding her so much processed junk food.

The best course of action is to get a clear answer from them about what time they serve dinner and then go and pick her up before then. Tell the granny in advance that you will get her before dinner so she doesn’t fill up at theirs.

As an aside, I’m with you on the trifle. Not sure why people are acting so shocked really. Times have changed, we know that sugar is unhealthy so why keep pushing it on children.

Where we live any kids that are playing tend to get fed if they are around at meal times (or granny's love giving snacks - my neighbour is a feeder lol) perhaps grandchild eats better with another child there

I think your husbands right and just let it go. If dc wants to try different foods id roll with it.

Yes, there is. Several vegan 'creams' the Oatly one, for instance, will whip. I make individual vegan trifles for the family vegans- we have a few- with eggless sponge, vegan jelly and custard, fruit and brandy. They are perfectly edible, especially with enough raspberries and brandy. Not a patch on the real thing though.

Same. Mmmm trifle.
Sunday tea at Grannie’s with the huge trifle in a glass dish, getting to sprinkle the Hundreds and Thousands on top. Bloody love a trifle.

Soya Dream works as a cream substitute . It’s nice on Crumble anyway, I’ve never done a trifle with it.

I agree with this.

Honestly, why do anything? Summer’s spent casually drifting into my friends’ in the street’s houses and having my tea there spontaneously are some of the best childhood memories. What harm is it doing? If she’s full when she comes home, can’t she have her tea for dinner the next day? It’s a few weeks in the summer and they’re having fun. Why spoil it?

I'm glad that OP is taking on board that her DD has obviously made non-vegan choices and that's ok. The other family sounds very hospitable.

Anyone got a good trifle recipe ? I’m going to make one

I'll have trifle too. But yes, let it go. Your child has a local friend and he has a nice family.

I'd knock on her door and say how lovely it is the kids get on but your DC has told you how they've been eating dinner with them...thank her for her generosity but then apologise profusely for imposing in such a way and ask that they send her home when they have dinner.

Being vegan is a lifestyle choice that you made your kids made nosy h decisions therefore should not be forced into this lifestyle and should be aloud to try all foods and once old enough be able to make an informed decision once given all info not a one sided bias

Bloody hate trifle.

As for the neighbour, I see you’ve taken it on board to speak to them and perhaps invite boy over to yours but I think she’s pretty out of order to feed your DD full meals without checking with you by text or sending DD back to check with you if it’s okay to have trifle it’s never okay or if that will ruin her appetite for tea. Neighbour sounds a bit dim.

I'd ask her to let you know first if she plans to give DD a dinner as you need to plan your family meals too. You could also say if there's anything you don't want your daughter to eat. I wouldn't be too happy if somebody had fed my DC without my knowledge as I'd have prepared a family meal.

Whats wrong with trifle??!!!!

I have older relatives that have tried to give my children food I don't want them having because the adults think they know better than me.
And they would do it with a smile and head tilt to my face but later I'd overhear or be told they'd be saying things like "a bit of xyz won't hurt, don't know why lamp can't just feed the kids the same as everyone else does etc"

So in your shoes I'd be wondering the motive of the grandmother if she definitely knows your family is vegan.

I agree with this.

I think I see the problem. If you want your daughter home at a certain time, tell her to be home at that time. If she is either too young or too disobedient to do as you ask, go and collect her.

If you don’t want them to politely offer to share their food with her when they are eating tell her she must come home as soon as food is offered. If she also won’t do that ask the woman to remind her that you don’t allow her to eat with them and have said she must be sent home as soon as they are ready to eat.

The problem is lack of communication on your part while delegating to a person you barely know.

I'm vegetarian, my dd is vegan and at every layer, trifle is definitely not vegan and the jelly is probably not even vegetarian.

I would've thought six was probably the optimum age to enjoy trifle. It's not ecstacy or cider?!

This family are generously feeding your kid because she's always in their home at meal times. Tell her to come home sooner and to politely decline meals as she knows she'll be having one at x time at home.

Swap numbers with this lady and have her grandchild round yours sometimes. Just because she's a GM doesn't mean she wants to give unlimited childcare.