Neighbour keeps feeding my child - WWYD?

[AwayWeb]

Bit of a weird one and I’m probably overthinking it but would appreciate outside views.

Our 6yo daughter often plays with the neighbour’s grandson - their garden backs onto ours and they go between the two. It’s all very casual. They’re similar ages and get on well, so I don’t mind the time they spend together.

The neighbour is the boy’s grandmother (his mum drops him off there most days after school) and while she seems nice, I don’t actually know her well. We wave, chat briefly over the fence, but we’ve never had a proper conversation or anything.

What’s bothering me is that nearly every time DD comes back from playing, she’s eaten a whole meal over there. Not just a snack - an actual meal. Things like sausage rolls, fish fingers, chips, even dessert. She came back yesterday saying she had trifle. TRIFLE. She’s 6. She doesn’t even know what trifle is at home.

We’re vegan as a family and although we’ve never made a big deal out of it, I think they know. DD has mentioned it and I’ve said things like “oh she won’t eat that, we don’t do meat”. But they clearly feed her meat anyway. I don’t want to be the overbearing food mum but I feel a bit… undermined?

DH says it’s harmless and to let it go. He thinks I’m being precious and that a few fish fingers won’t kill her. Which, fair. But I just feel a bit odd about it all. I never gave permission for them to feed her, and it’s happening regularly now. It feels like they’re doing us a favour we didn’t ask for, and I can’t tell if I’m being rude by not saying thank you or being walked over by not saying stop.

Would it be completely out of order to ask them not to feed her anymore? Or at least ask what they’re giving her? I’m not trying to start neighbour wars but it’s making me a bit anxious now.

WWYD?

Some would call me a pretty uptight parent, and I really don't see an issue with this.

I think it's really kind she is giving your child tea and I would love to be in your position and have someone feed my child for me! Haha.

It sounds like a really nice traditional arrangement, but sadly with attitudes like yours are why such things are dying out!

Why on earth is it an issue for her to have trifle?!

And personally unless there is a health reason I kind of feel like it's upto the child if they want to eat meat or not.

I think YABVU and also ungrateful!

I could never feed my child and not feed his friend. That would seem rude. It's your job to organise her not being there at meal times if you don't want her fed.

Was the trifle homemade? Yum.
I'm envious of your DC appetite and willingness to try new foods.

If it bothers you which it clearly does I think you should just say would you mind sending her home at meal times as I like to keep an eye on what she eats. All you are doing are putting your own boundaries in place. If they get offended that’s their problem,
I don’t think that’s unreasonable.
Petsonally I wouldn’t like this myself.

Family with a vegan parent here. DC gets to eat what they want. I'm not in the business of creating an unhealthy relationship with food.

I'd probably have a word with the neighbour to make sure it's not an imposition but otherwise I'd be hesitant to make a massive deal out of this.

We wouldn't have allowed our children to play in the house of someone we’d chatted briefly over a fence with so problem wouldn’t have arisen.

From a personal standpoint, I don't think parents food choices should be forced onto their children for a start. She needs to be old enough to make an informed choice about whether she wants to be vegan or not. At 6 she just isn't old enough and of course will be tempted by the nice foods at her friends grandmas.

I see you say you don't make a big deal out of the veganism, but she's still being denied a lot of foods and other treats such as trifle and pastry at home. (All of which is lovely, in moderation, to some of us non vegans).
Maybe this is one of the reasons she is eating at her friends? The food is more to her taste and is exciting and different?
I really do think the grandma is just being kind, as a lot of grandmas are.
As you haven't spoken to the grandma, for some reason, you obviously don't have the full facts. Maybe her little friend asks grandma if it's ok for your daughter to have her tea with them? Maybe grandma just automatically dishes up your daughter a meal, as it would be rude not to when they're playing together and your daughter doesn't refuse the offer.
I think you need to ask how the situation all came about, then decide where to go from there.
Whichever way it's handled, I think it is going to cause a little bit of upset. But I hope it goes ok for you all.

I agree, grandma sounds like my mum’s & my grandma’s generation it would be a crime not to feed her grandbabies friends whilst she fed her grandbabies. They’re of that generation that may not even know what vegan is!

i wouldn’t dream of not offering plenty of food to my children’s friend however being of this generation I’d check about allergies/diet.

OP if you want child not to eat anything there then make sure you go and get her at food time whenever that is.

Your 6 year old is gone for hours at a time, I am astounded tbh. Anything could be happening to them.

That's very common where I'm from. (North east England and now where I live in northern Ireland) My mam would never give us food/sweets/ice-cream without asking who we are playing with if we want some as well. I swear we used to laugh as we had been fed a few times by different parents. 🫣 Doesn't everyone do this? I would never feed my kids too without asking if their friends want food.
It's not like she would ask your daughter to stand there and watch them eat. 🤷 Maybe tell your daughter to be home at this time as your making dinner then let her go out after.

Have to disagree, the asda omv one is absolutely brilliant!

Quite.

Mmmmmm trifle (drools like Homer Simpson)

I still use my DM's trifle dish too! DP loves a homemade trifle.

Kindly, OP, this.

This was my first thought too. A bit ungrateful.

just want to say I grew up as a vegetarian to vegetarian parents, grandparents etc but was given a choice to eat what I wanted outside our home.

I didn’t I just stuck with what I know so at parties etc when I was a child I would look for the vegetarian food if there was any. There was a child at my 10th birthday whose parents said no to cake and sweet treats and no telly. Obviously he wasn’t offered any.. once he had left and mum was cleaning up, there was tons of sweet wrappers/chocolate wrappers and the cases from the cupcakes under his chair! He sugar loaded!! He would also need sneak of to watch telly when everyone was playing!

best to keep her at home sitting meal times and have a chat with her about your boundaries rather than get arsey with the neighbours.
when I was growing up, kids that played together in the neighbourhood generally ate at whomevers home we ended up in..,and the other parents didn’t get cross….

https://avirtualvegan.com/vegan-trifle/

Looks pretty good to me!

I like the idea of inviting the little boy and grandma over. This seems nice.

I haven't tasted it but turmeric in custard...

Perhaps the best thing you could do is make sure you're looking after your own child, rather than letting her wander over to the neighbour’s house every day, especially when you barely know them.

I have brought my children up to be vegetarian. Both at 6 years old knew what they could or couldn’t eat and why

Having come across people like this grandma who believe it is their mission in life to try and get one over on you to prove that your children can eat meat. They seem to think you don’t feed your children meat because they can’t eat it.
DS was once fed meat by someone like this grandma and projectile vomited the lot up. Apparently it was a scene out of the Exorcist

I see this grandma as quite dangerous. She ignores your dd when she says that she is vegan. If your child has an allergy to anything I presume she thinks she knows better

As a family we don’t eat certain things. Would you be happy for this woman to trample over all your beliefs just because she thinks she can.

The food she is feeding her is crap and turning your dd into a meat eater can be very damaging to her long term health.

Time to get very strict with dd about what she allows people to do to her. Not everyone means well and giving her the confidence to say No and the wherewithal even at 6 years old to realise that someone even if they trying to act nice to her has an ulterior motive.

This woman is undermining your principles not being neighbourly

I love it when a poster starts a thread about a “concern” that is so laughably mild as to be ridiculous but misses the giant elephant in the room - the real concern! And then leaves the thread under the cloak of darkness and name changes!

I don't think the grandma is doing that. She probably doesn't even know the family is vegan. The child could tell her but doesn't want to as she is clearly loving the sausage rolls, fish fingers and trifle.

Needs laughing emoji yet again 🤣🤣

My thoughts too! Parental force of the vegan lifestyle!