Neighbour keeps feeding my child - WWYD?

[AwayWeb]

Bit of a weird one and I’m probably overthinking it but would appreciate outside views.

Our 6yo daughter often plays with the neighbour’s grandson - their garden backs onto ours and they go between the two. It’s all very casual. They’re similar ages and get on well, so I don’t mind the time they spend together.

The neighbour is the boy’s grandmother (his mum drops him off there most days after school) and while she seems nice, I don’t actually know her well. We wave, chat briefly over the fence, but we’ve never had a proper conversation or anything.

What’s bothering me is that nearly every time DD comes back from playing, she’s eaten a whole meal over there. Not just a snack - an actual meal. Things like sausage rolls, fish fingers, chips, even dessert. She came back yesterday saying she had trifle. TRIFLE. She’s 6. She doesn’t even know what trifle is at home.

We’re vegan as a family and although we’ve never made a big deal out of it, I think they know. DD has mentioned it and I’ve said things like “oh she won’t eat that, we don’t do meat”. But they clearly feed her meat anyway. I don’t want to be the overbearing food mum but I feel a bit… undermined?

DH says it’s harmless and to let it go. He thinks I’m being precious and that a few fish fingers won’t kill her. Which, fair. But I just feel a bit odd about it all. I never gave permission for them to feed her, and it’s happening regularly now. It feels like they’re doing us a favour we didn’t ask for, and I can’t tell if I’m being rude by not saying thank you or being walked over by not saying stop.

Would it be completely out of order to ask them not to feed her anymore? Or at least ask what they’re giving her? I’m not trying to start neighbour wars but it’s making me a bit anxious now.

WWYD?

I misread that as you put vodka in to make it non-alcoholic. I was going to break it to you gently.

Well this is one way to ruin a nice friendship for your child.

>>> removes trifle from shopping list and adds @CaptainMyCaptain s list

Try put yourself in your child’s position, her friends grandma cooks “yummy” food and she plates her some up rather than sending her home feeling kicked, not welcome and with a sense of rejection. Sounds like she’s adopted a grandma who cares about her. You clearly must trust the woman if you allow her over there.

I’d ask the grandma. What time do you cook/eat, then you can make sure you call her in before the meal prep starts and maybe agree she can stay for food once or twice a week. This way the grandma doesn’t feel rejected either. She’s probably a feeder who gets joy out of talking care of people. My husbands grandma sent us home with an Apple pie whether we wanted it or not 😂 she was defo a feeder!

She can try a variety of foods and then she can make an informed decision whether she would like to be vegan or not.

Yea I think you’re being weird.

I think it’s lovely that they include your child with their meals. A lot of parents wouldn’t. I would always feed a child no matter what background they come from so that I know they are at least getting one hot meal.

stop complaining.

She must be there for too long and they think she’s not being fed. She’s clearly hovering around during meal times so why isn’t she home then?

Don't tell me vodka is non-alcoholic I need to taste some now just to taster purposes lol

Fish finger sandwiches with tomato sauce, heaven.

If your child is old enough to spend time with people you ‘barely know’ in their home surely she’s old enough to say no thank you when they offer her food. Or perhaps you can not send her over meal times or call round to collect her. They probably think you’re quite neglectful since you barely know them and are happy to pack your child off regulatory so feel sorry for your child.

Hate trifle, custard hate the stuff

Bit precious, if one is looking at diet overall. A bit of trifle is unlikely to cause harm. What do you think your kids eat when you can't see them?

That's what I was going to say.! If you know they eat at 5pm take her home at 4.30pm. Problem solved!

Well I'm not keen either, I don't like wet cake but it's not life threatening. MIL made it, I ate it. Just good manners.

If your daughter enjoys the time there, likes the lady and enjoys playing with the grandchild, just let it go. Obviously she is craving meat otherwise she wouldn’t eat it, I agree with your husband, a few fish fingers won’t harm her. If you intervene over something like this it could create a lot of bad feeling over a very minor issue.

That’s weird, normally play date etiquette is to check at least briefly about food. But it’s also weird to send a six year old without checking it’s ok for her to play/what time shall I get her etc

i think they’re feeding your child believing her to e a’poor vegan’

youll have to say something

All of this.

I bet she thinks you're really rude for not taking your turn feeding them. Where I am, when my kids friends come in at food time or snack time, of course we share with the child. But I would expect them to do the same when my child is in their house. It's how you build community really

I keep reading thsi and thinking its "neighbours keep feeding my cat"....then again would putting a "do not feed" paper collar on your child work?

How long has this been going on that you’ve never said to the grandma ‘Hey, we’re vegan, please can you send dd home when you have tea and not feed her meat’? She’s obviously experiencing different foods from the usual and multiple times!

Does your dd want to be vegan because she seems happy to eat fish fingers and sausage rolls

If I were you , I’d head over there and thank the grandma for having your daughter over and for giving her dinner.
Ask the little boy over to your home for dinner too .
Exchange phone numbers with grandma too and say she is very kind but she really doesn’t need to give your DD dinner , just to send her over when her dinners ready at her own house

1. Gradually and consistently train your child to say no and not feel bad about it, the adults are not the problem, your child isn't the problem either. Just teach her delayed gratification, even if they serve vegan meals she should be able to say no, thank you.
2. Clearly your daughter is not vegan or she does not like the vegan foods you serve at home? How about have an honest chat with her about the type of foods she enjoys?? And please if she prefers non vegan meals, make that exception for her and feed her what she likes, when she's grown, she can decide to repent and become a vegan.
3. I won't be concerned about my kids eating vegan or non vegan meals in someone's house. I'll rather be concerned they're eating in the house of someone I don't know well enough. It is beyond food, it is about their faith, their values, belief systems, do you even know what the interiors of their house looks like? Their hygiene level? Do you even know how neat or dirty their loo and kitchen are?

Uhm, I'm not sure I'll be comfortable sending my kids to play with kids I don't know their family well enough. Outdoor play where I can see it all? YES! Anything beyond my sight, I won't allow it and I'm very unapologetic about that. The moment I agree my kids can come to your house to play with your kids, I really do not care what you feed them. You've ticked all safety boxes for me already. So OP, I think it's beyond the food, it is the fact that you do not know or trust these people, which is very valid. And I think that should be worked on. You either intentionally build a relationship so you can assess them and see if they can be trusted or go cold turkey with the play times totally. There's no in between for me.

I loved trifle as a child, sure I'd eaten loads by the time I got to 6. I also used to get fed by friends' parents from time to time, it was fun! Reading this thread I'm left feeling a bit sad for the prescribed lives kids seem to lead these days. Perhaps get to know your neighbour a bit more and ask if she is happy feeding your DD?

This.

I think this is lovely! I always have the mindset of your child is at mine I’ll look after them like I would mine and I’d always hope visversa. My best friends mum would always do me a “plate” (she deep down knew I wasn’t well looked after) I have fond memories of trying their food. Honestly from one mum to another let this go and enjoy the fact your child is excepted into another family and being treated well. If she’s coming home and telling you she’s obvs happy enough please don’t ruin or say anything to cause bad feeling as I’m sure it’s all coming from the heart!