… as the family dissolves.

[rickyrickygrimes]

I listened to an FT podcast today about demographic change, which was fascinating and quite 😱. One phrase that caught my attention was : ‘“There is a huge vulnerability that I don't have an answer for, and that's what happens as the family dissolves, as the family evolves. I don't know what fits into that space.”

The interviewer asked him to explain what he meant by this, and it was basically: when so few women are having children, and the generational family structure that humans have evolved to rely on for thousands of years essentially ceases to exist, what will replace it? And where will people find meaning in life, when family doesn’t exist? And an answer to loneliness?

I can see this playing out in my own family, with 5 out of 6 grandparents now entering their 80s, with only 3 grandchildren between them. My sister chose not to have children, my SIL has only 1. All for reasons that are very valid on an individual level - but at a population level the consequences are huge and will impact everyone. And I choose to live outside the UK - I’m not on hand to provide any kind of care for my own parents - again for valid personal reasons but which will have big consequences at a societal level.

What do you think will replace the family structure, as it dissolves?

From The Rachman Review: Our shrinking and ageing world, 24 Jul 2025
podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-rachman-review/id1504048545?i=1000718767539&r=1001
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Honestly I'm no expert and I don't think there is any ideal plan as life can be so unpredictable and you can never know what will happen. And having family isn't some sort of guarantee that you'll be "sorted" or not afraid of old age either!

I suppose the main thing aside from having finances etc all tied up is your own mental attitude towards ageing. If you view it as something to be fearful of and this terrible, lonely phase of your life then of course it's going to turn out that way. There's loads of research out there people who are engaged in their community and have active social lives are the ones that age well so to speak. There was a good article here https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/ng-interactive/2025/jul/18/best-ageing-advice-expert-tips

But honestly the best advice I can give is to start living your life now how you want and find what gives your life meaning now and what experiences you want out life. Think of how you want your life to have looked when your older and looking back at your life rather than just spending the next 40/50 years sitting at home, terrified of something that may or may not happen. By the time you are older there will be at least 1 in 4 people without children so it's not exactly a problem you will be facing alone

I can only really speak for my own family, but the problem we've had is terrible parenting, to the extent that our parents felt that once we'd left home (not even ft education) we were off their hands and nothing to do with them. So the emotional bond was lost early on.

And that in turn came from, I think, a kind of harsh parenting by men who'd been in the war and never talked about it, and the women who were hardened by having to deal with them.

So me and my sibling have not really ever had this supportive family or seen it wane. My husband and children are the closest I've ever come to that. I'm now at the stage of nurturing young adults who have not long moved out. I do that with love and support (and a bit of cash), which is so far from what I had at the same age. Night and day.

I have long thought that the boomer generation - my parents - really suffered as kids from the after effects of WW2, plus they benefitted from wider access to healthcare and education and mobility. It's given them a wholly awful view of subsequent generations. There's a harshness in not having been loved very much as kids, and then a cruelty in expecting their grandchildren to be growing up in a world with the same resources they had, post war.

What I'm saying is my own experience is that over the course of their lives, they've made themselves inaccessible and unrelatable. There's just no way we get on well enough for me to be taking on their elder care. I think they are only just realising it but the time for reflection was 30-something years ago. In my case, there is no waning family commitment, they never made it.

I'm exactly the same. In fact I find this idea of having children as some sort of companion or to stave off loneliness when you're older completely depressing. I of course want my children to visit me when I'm older but I'd have thought I'd have failed some way if they didn't go off and lead and build lives of their own with their own friends and possibly own family if that's what they want. I certainly wouldn't want them hanging about me every day to stop me being lonely!

Well most families are sustained by women. I think people will still form groups - we are tribal by nature. Maybe more friendship grous pulling together.

Thank you very much for this really kind and thoughtful reply. I think you are right - mental attitude can play a big part. That article is really interesting, so thank you very much for linking it.

I think I am generally quite a positive person, there is just something about being alone in later life which has really got under my skin. I guess I am someone who needs certainty in life. If I could perhaps buy myself a place in a retirement village right now, I wouldn't worry so much, but of course I can't. But as you say, everyone has to live with the unpredictable nature of life.

Thank you again.