When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

[SillyScilly]

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

It was his choice I made a choice to look after my children. My kids deserve a healthy parent who isn't traumatized by a selfish parent/grandparent. If someone wants to die they will not tell you they will do it. He wanted to die he had enough.

Thank you, moderator.

@LauraNorda it is a very different situation though with a physical degenerative disease that without wishing to be harsh is unlikely to go on for 30 years plus

@LauraNorda it is a very different situation though with a physical degenerative disease that without wishing to be harsh is unlikely to go on for 30 years plus

Again, an immature response. You are on a public forum and people can - and will - give their opinions, just as you are repeatedly giving yours.

If my assessment of your character has pricked a nerve, perhaps imagine how your scathing comments about a very vulnerable OP have made her feel this morning.

Can you adjust expectations around him so almost as if he's not there when he is having one of his episodes? You just crack on with the kids and tell him( when he is well) that that is how you will handle it. My DH can be like this and just takes to his bed. It doesn't really impact me in that as I am prepared for it and just live my life and do all the fun stuff I would do normally. He needs to be left to feel better and you need to not feel like you have to walk on eggshells and be constantly having to adapt or cancel plans.

He is responsible for his own happiness and it's not your job to fix him.

Yes.
😕
Sorry, OP.
I'm 46, would like to live by myself, but would have to leave my 75 yo husband, who's never done wrong by me.
Sorry again, different, but understandable. I'm staying.
You have to think about your kids. ❤️

You never know what's going to happen in life. Your situation is really tough. 20 years ago my husband became critically ill. He took early retirement. I had to do it all, I worked full time as a secondary school teacher and we had young children. I felt for years that I worked at work, then I worked at home. It was exhausting and stressful and I got resentful.
My husband was also a good father, and did his best to help out as much as he could. So we just kept going and he gradually got a bit better.
Our children are adults now. I managed to keep an interest going and have more of a life.
Get help if you can, find time for yourself and focus on what positives you can, especially with the children. Good luck 🤞

I’m chronically ill, housebound. Bedbound some of the time.

In my own case, I feel that after a period of ‘adaptation’ (ie getting over the shock of being that unwell), some of the responsibility of dealing with the situation falls onto the shoulders if the person who is ill/disabled.
I personally dint feel it’s ok to insist your partner ‘s life is being destroyed in the process too. I didn’t chose to be ill. But nor did my partner, I care enough for him to want him to still find happiness and joy in his life.

I feel that Theres a middle ground to find. Which will be very different from one person to the next.
i Akso feel that leaving the person who ill expecting them to just fend for themselves isn’t ok. But that support can take many forms. And doesn’t have to include taking on the full career role 24/7 for the following 20 years.

And that’s looking at it from the pov of the chronically ill person

What a terrible situation for you all. I feel very sorry for you.

But I don’t understand why you think you would feel better if you still had all the responsibility of running a household and children single-handed, plus the extra mental burden of knowing you had deprived a husband you say you love of normal daily contact with his family, through no fault of his own, and the constant ensuing guilt and worry about how he was. At least, I know that’s how I would feel.

You need more concrete and emotional support, respite care, holidays etc.

When I was a teenager my dad became very mentally ill with bipolar. It definitely affected me but I wouldn’t say it ruined my life. My mum left him after we had all left home, and the thought that she had waited until we moved out to improve her life really annoyed me, although we talked about it and she said it hadn’t been that way round and it was only after we had left she realised she couldn’t live with him any more.

So I think having been the child in a similar situation, I’d say make your decision about your marriage for you, not for them. He’s their father either way so the downsides of him being ill still exist for them whether you’re together or not. As long as they feel loved and safe in both homes they will be ok whatever you decide.

As an annoying fixer, I’ll also ask have you looked at the health of his and your microbiome? Another poster mentioned the Zoe food science podcast on a style and beauty thread here and after less than a week of tweaking our diet in line with the Zoe recommendations I feel dramatically different mentally and physically, and the general mood in our house has lifted. I had a fit of giggles the other day and laughed till my stomach hurt, which hasn’t happened for years. It would sound like quackery and snake oil from other sources, but it’s all based on serious research.

Again, thank you. Happy to hear all opinions and I will never press the report button, unlike others.

Your assessment of my character is just your opinion, no nerves pricked. I am very thick-skinned.

I have never said I don't have any sympathy with the OPs situation. Obviously, it's awful.

However, promises were made and you can't just give up when the going gets tough. Maybe thats an old-fashioned view but maybe thats why many marriages are just thrown away on a whim these days.

Mental experiment:
Imagine you would awake tomorrow and he was magically living in some sort of supported living nearby.

What would it allow you to do/try/arrange/feel?

Would it be possible to have any of that while he is living with you?

It’s impacting the children too. Even though he is a present father within his capabilities, it’s impacting both the OP and them.

Took the words out of my mouth.

I'm so sorry OP, it seems there are no good options here and it's very difficult to determine which is the least worst option 😔

That's extremely sad, poor man and child. Did he also have to look after his wife at home for all that time?

There’s no supported living for this type of thing except a care home.

The poor man. There’s something about wedding vows in the sickness and health and they should be meaningful. I do get that it’s tough my own husband died of a brain tumour. I personally wouldn’t have left him and it’s your decision to make. But as you said he’s a good dad. What are your children going to think if you walk away. I would be reevaluating all of the support that you can access. Make arrangements for the kids not to see him at his worse even if that’s keeping them away from him within the house and making the most of him
when he has better days. Children are very resilient but if you move out they are effectively loosing a dad as he will likely become disengaged with them .

Genuinely, do the people who keep bringing up wedding vows not understand that there's not one universal form?

No, as far as I know, she was in hospital all the time.

Exactly. I certainly didn’t vow anything at all about in sickness and in health. We had a ten-minute register office affair, and I’m pretty sure all I agreed was that I was marrying him, and was free to do so.

I'm an older mother & now grandmother, so maybe I see it from a slightly different perspective to yourself & younger mothers. Who cares for the carer. It's very important that you have respite and regular respite. This has to arranged. Go to your GP or Citizens advice to see what's available. But you do really have to be selfish now and prepare for your own future. You won't be able to stay when your children grow beyond 16+ because if you feel bad now when you are alone with yr DH trust me it will feel 100 times worse.

Please contact your local Carer's Centre and ask to be added to the list for an Adult Carer's Support Plan to be written up. It's a legal document which will open doors for you and your whole family to get supports in place. You can apply for grants for short breaks and so on.

I am so sorry for the situation you have found yourselves in and it does affect everyone in your family. Keep going, you are doing brilliantly for the support you provide to your DH and the DC but you can't run on empty. Look after yourself🫂