When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

[SillyScilly]

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

‘Rob Burrows' wife didn't leave and after he died she said the thought never entered her head.

@LauraNorda

That is a staggeringly poor analogy. Rob suffered from a physical decline, but mentally and emotionally he was remarkably strong. He was also helped by having been ‘famous’ and a lot of his friends and admirers rallied round and supported both him and his family.

No that sounds like exhaustion and knowing that she needs to look after herself too. You know the whole you can’t pour from an empty cup etc….

What are the issues that means you need to cut your breaks short?
Do you have room to get live in carers in for a week so you and the DC can go and have a proper break for a week?
Honestly a lot of this resonates with the type of posts on the elderly parents board (in Other). I know he isn't elderly but looks on there and you might spot some ideas to help.

I have no advise just admiration and respect for you.

I'm currently reading Alan Bennets Other Stories which is about his mothers depression and his father's care if her and then his brother's and finally his (though while she was in care). Its a short read, chapter of an analogy, and may be a good read.

One thing that jumps out is that women win suffered debilitating depression (not sure about men at the time) were generally instituatized. The partners and families were not expected to carry out the care you are currently are during the bad bouts.

This sounds so hard. I have a friend in a similar position, she is essentially now a single parent but also has to live with this compassion fatigue. I also agree with PP that he needs to want to get better. Have you looked into a group called Recovery Norway? Some people with long COVID and CFS have found it helpful.

What medication is he on? Has he tried behaviour activation? Has he been throughly investigated? Has he had his hormones checked? Any issues with libido?

This thread caused me to go down a rabbit hole of looking at scientific research. My hunch was right. There is considerable evidence that self-identifying as ‘sick’ has all sorts of negative ramifications. With the rise of diagnosis of adhd, amxiety and depression (encouraged by our society), there must be a hidden parallel rise of emotionally enslaved carers, expected to care with no end in sight.

I then plugged a few thoughts into chatgpt because it helps with carification:

Diagnoses and the Rise of Compassion Fatigue
🔹 1. Social media normalises pathology
Platforms like TikTok and Instagram have made mental health language
Over time, those close to them may start to feel emotionally depleted, guilt-tripped, or unheard.
🔹 2. Everyone becomes an informal therapist
Family members take on the role of:

• Listener
• Soother
• Planner
• Crisis manager
• Emotional regulator

This chronic emotional labour, especially without mutual support, leads to burnout and withdrawal — classic signs of compassion fatigue. 🔹 3. The expectation to endlessly accommodate If mental health struggles are seen as immutable or part of identity, the message becomes: “You must accept all my behaviours because of my diagnosis.” This removes space for others to:

• Express their own needs or fatigue
• Set boundaries
• Suggest reciprocity or growth

Over time, this leads to resentment, helplessness, and emotional numbing — again, hallmarks of compassion fatigue. 🔹 4. Pathologising everyday stress makes relationships fragile When normal life events (like conflict, distraction, sadness, or boredom) are pathologised, everything becomes:

• High-stakes
• Medicalised
• Draining to navigate

The constant emotional vigilance others feel obliged to maintain creates relationship strain and, eventually, detachment. 📊 Any Research?

• While formal population-level studies on compassion fatigue outside of healthcare settings are still emerging, recent academic and grey literature reflects:
• Rising mental health discourse shifting burden onto laypeople
• Secondary traumatic stress being reported by partners of people with mood disorders
• Therapist-style burnout being felt by teens and young adults who act as emotional supports in peer groups

See:

• Compassion Fatigue in Nonprofessional Caregivers – PubMed, 2019
• TikTok and the Pathologising of Personality – Psychology Today
• Mental Health Talk on Social Media: Helpful or Harmful? – The Lancet Psychiatry, commentary

Have you had any therapy? This has a major impact on you and you should get support before you make any major decisions.

your DH is likely not driving treatment or care or pushing to be on things like long covid studies or trials. If he has a good medical team they can take on this role, but the reality is maybe nobody is doing this.
I'm a fixer so in your position i would be doing this role. Yes its more work on top of running the house, but it would give me a sense of control and things to aim for with dh

This is sensible, and sounds like a possible way forward.

You sound immensely caring, OP. I also hope you manage to seize time for some pleasure or relaxation in your overworked life. Sending sympathy to you all.

My dad starved himself to death I didn't stop him I couldn't I lived to far away. Suicide is a selfish act and if you're religious it's against the bible. They don't care about children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews or partners it's only about them. The question you need to ask him is does he love you and his children enough to stay. I didn't go to my dad's funeral he was a selfish man.

See, this faux outrage really annoys me, as the data shows that men leave women all the time when they are ill.

If the situation was reversed, what would you want to happen?

I appreciate I don't know your financial position, so I apologise in advance iif this is of no use to you, but in my area, there is a group called 'men in sheds' it's a social group for men with mental health problems and dementia. You do have to pay, but they do activities, have an allotment they all look after, go fishing, have a pint at the pub, days out, I think they get cheap tickets to football, that sort of thing as well as talking therapy. Maybe something like this would help both of you. Your husband just might find it worth putting aside those dark thoughts for and you and the children could have a break.
The council might be able to help you find something similar in your area.

@SillyScilly not quite the same but I feel your pain..DH lost his sight a while ago so i took on everything including FT work and 2 kids . I really struggled after a while. I have a job in healthcare so accessed support for me.via staff services..It made me.realise I had compassion fatigue and HAD to make time just for me daily and through the year. It is hard and alot of us carers just don't stop. Caring agencies and groups will be able to support you. Maybe use the PIP to support him getting care for a few days a couple.times a year while your away? BUT don't feel bad for feeling this way. Sometimes just a walk alone, dance class or coffee with friends makes a huge difference too.

You have no understanding of what it feels like to be truly suicidal.

My heart really goes out to you. It sounds like everyone has adapted amazingly to such a dire situation but your DH is still so poorly.
As a CFSME (and long term anxiety/depression) sufferer, I can understand what your DH is going through to some extent. Whilst it might not help, I'm exploring complimentary therapies to try and improve my conditions. I'm working with a nutritionist and a Vegas nerve practitioner. I think it is slowly helping me to stabilise.
Also, ensure you are doing some self care often, as you can't support others if you aren't looking after yourself. You are in such a tough position and I'm sure things will clarify in time as to what is the best decision for you.

As an aside OP if one child is in Yr 11 they will be 16 -Year 12 next year?
You shouldn't need to prep all the meals before you go away.
A 16 year old should be able to heat up some meals - unless of course you mean you go away with your children and leave your H on his own.

Also so much second Men Shed it's been amazing for my husband and they as a group so just get everyone had challenges and that's OK. It's for men who need to talk and have varying MH issues or.who are just lonely. If given him social contact he lost on stopping work and they all support each other so much.

That is very true but at the same time there can be substantial risks for someone with suicidal ideation living alone. The children would miss out on some of the positive interaction he gives them, and should he make an attempt on his life after moving out of the family home that would be a heavy burden for them all, including the children. It's Catch-22.

You are emotionally immature and simplistic in your thinking. You've been repeatedly told that you're being offensive but you seem determined to double (and triple, and quadruple) down on the same inane statements that ignore all the wider context and nuance in the situation.

You have nothing valuable to offer this thread.

How does he feel about the stuation? Is there anything, even the smallest thing that he would be willing/able to do to help out?

EDIT: I realise I’m asking a lot questions. Please dint feel you have to answer ANY of them in here. They’re more things for you to think about around the situation.

I’m chronically ill too @SillyScilly . I don’t have the MH issues your dh has. But I have all the fatigue etc…..

I feel there are MANY levels to the situation

1- the dcs - how are they coping with their father ‘s illness, the suicidal thoughts etc…. Would they be better not living with him (less pressure) or would they feel devastated because they somehow feel responsible?

2- you - how are you coping with it all? I know the pressure on you will be immense. Do you feel it will be easier in your own or will you be eaten away by guilt?p that you’ve (to take the word of a PP) abandoned him?
Do you know WHAT is making you think about being in your own? Is it the emotional toll? The physical one? Being responsible for his health, incl feeling responsible to keep him alive at all cost when he is feeling suicidal?

3- your dh - his family is what keeps him alive. But how much support does he need there? Theres so much variation from one person to the next. How much could be do on his own? Like can he cook a meal or just warm it up or maybe not even that? What’s the difference between a good day and a bad day?
What I’m trying to say is that him living on his own will require a lot of propping up. Let’s say I know that to live in my own, I’d need a cleaner and someone to help me cook/prepare meal for me. Will he need all of that PLUS MH support when he is in a downward spiral?
And how you handle stuff will also depends on how your dh DP feels about the whole situation - some people expect theyr partner support no matter what. Others feel it’s fairer to let their partner ‘go’ so they can still have a life and illness doesn’t destroy two lives.

Seeing that you still love him, it sounds like you need to find an ‘unusual solution’.
Something like staying together but living apart. With support from carers for him. And you still being there but having the ability to step out and have a space for yourself so you can catch your breath.
How much or how little you’d be involved would depend on how you’re coping, how he is coping etc…

Theres really no easy answer there. And I suspect hashing it out with a counsellor would be really helpful for you too. And for him.

💐💐💐

It feels quite shocking to read you’re considering leaving your husband because he is unwell. However having not been in the situation myself I don’t know how I’d react, I’m just thinking in sickness and in health and all that.

The joys of marriage would you be thinking the same if it was you that was ill!

Your poor father. No wonder he died in despair. If the drip feed is that he was a horrible person who ruined your life, maybe you could just feel relieved that he’s gone.

I know suicide hurts the people who are left. I was heartbroken when someone I loved took his own life. But I could never feel anything except love and a hopeless regret that I hadn’t helped him more. His pain was obviously beyond bearing.

No one should feel a person is somehow demeaned or dishonoured by suicide. Just be glad life hasn’t pushed you to the abyss.