When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

[SillyScilly]

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

An almost impossible position to be in, that nobody would envy. I would say that if he truly loved you he would want you to be free to live a happy life, and help his DC do the same, although from where he is mentally it's not clear whether he's able to access that type of thinking.

On the practical side, I would be aware of the real risk of your burnout and be clear that you absolutley cannot afford to go down with this ship, for your sake and for that of your DC. They need you fully functioning, stable and available emotionally more than most DC. I would also think about how you can implement some physical boundaries in how the house is set up, so you can get some peaceful space even when he is not able to join you in this. Could you split the house into a unit and a larger space, or possilby move to a house which would be better set up for this?

This isn't what you signed up for, it's what you've got. Nobody is questioning your love, but leaving him wouldn't mean that you didn't love him. It would mean that you loved yourself and your DC more, quite rightly so.

The thing that's baffling me is that you keep repeating the same lies about the OP. You've invented a narrative that does not reflect reality and you are criticising someone based on something that simply isn't happening. It's very odd behaviour on your part.

Again and again and again you talk as though she's throwing in the towel at the first sign of trouble - you've actually managed to shoe horn it in twice in your last reply to me - when in fact, OP is very much in the trenches and has been for five long years. This was included in her very first post so it's unfathomable that you could have missed it.

And then you try and draw comparisons to bolster your "point" that bear little relevance to the OP but that you seem to think are evidence in your favour.

Really strange. But mostly, just unkind.

Also you can self refer over to SW for extra support too. None if us know what the future holds so it's good to plan ahead. I asked for a SW referral while I filled out all my paperwork almost two years ago.

Reading this post this morning has made me realise my life can quickly become like yours as I am looking after my partner with MH issues. Yesterday I started a F.Off fund and gave myself and my relationship 5 yrs to see if things will improve or not. I am becoming increasingly unkind and feeling unloved, with no real life support around me. What I have in place is time for myself, treating myself to good food and skincare, actively not going out on family days or holidays as he has said its making everyone miserable. I have gone to two separate holidays this year and not worrying about his moods for a week has been so freeing. At work my manager knows about this ,my sisters know and let me moan to them. His therapist has given up on him this week but I haven't,yet. OP look after your physical health first, pretend you are a single mum, and its ok to not always have him as your priority. Lots of love to you and your family. Kudos to your DH for doing as much as he can for the kids, my partner is the same. I am glad that both yours and mine are not yet at the depths of dispair not to be the best dad they could be, given the circumstances.

Carer burnout is a real thing.

That's what HE said. Did this "builder" improve his garden with a patio?!

I was wondering is this an Irish thing . We all use 'third level' to mean university / college .
And of course it makes sense - it's the third level of education .

OP I feel so bad for you. You sound amazing . I could not leave though . Your poor DH sounds like a lovely man also and he will hopefully get better .

Probably meant "tertiary"

What more do you expect him to do though OP?

He has physical and mental health issues and it sounds like he has done all he can to sick treatment and support and he is doing his best to be a decent father.

It sounds like the illness and the various effects are not going to go away.

I feel sorry for him. He has not caused his health issues and he is doing his best.

However you can also decide that you have had enough. It is entirely your choice.

No one should have to be a martyr and lead an unhappy life if they have reached the end of their ability to cope/care.

Regardless, your kids will still have to accept the fact that their father is limited in what he can do whether you leave or not and you will still be responsible for life admin and childcare on your own even if you have joint custody as he will still be unwell and will be focused on keeping himself going.

Very sad for everyone involved.

OP, I’m sorry. This is such a horrible situation for you all. I’m assuming he has brain inflammation?

I’m the one with long covid in our family and I don’t have depression, but do grieve the life we should be having, the flippancy with which people spread covid and the trust I had in the medical profession. I’ve had suicide ideation - mine is from a point of wanting a better life for my family. I don’t know whether I’m screwing them up more by staying or going. I had a friend who killed herself, leaving behind young kids and the image of them at her funeral will be seared in my brain forever. I’ve talked to my husband about leaving and being in their lives from a distance. I think he’d find someone else easily and maybe someone who could give my kids a more “normal” upbringing and I could still be in their lives somehow. We both love each other and he still wants to be with me. I see the pressure on him being sole breadwinner, doing most of the school runs, trying (and failing) to keep on top of the house and being my carer. I don’t know how many years my illness is taking off him. For me, my reasons for wanting to leave come from a place of love, although I know that sounds odd. I also want to stay!

I think I’m less severely ill than your husband - there are times I’m well enough to drive to a park or even go to a shop or cook a basic dinner. I’ve also managed to go to a wedding and a funeral this year. Yesterday I managed to go out for a couple of hours with the family and it was wonderful. My life is a limbo, waiting to have enough recharge to do the next basic task. I wasn’t very ill with any of my covid infections - more ill than I’ve been with viruses before, but nothing that felt like it needed a hospital visit. I fell off a cliff after each infection and got progressively worse. The grieving I did for how much of me and my life I’d lost - to have that amount of “me” back again now would be a gift. My husband wants me to stay. I don’t know what to suggest OP, except to say I sympathise. It’s a truly shitty illness for all concerned.
For us, a housekeeper of some kind would help. How do we afford that?!

This was me. Very ill partner, young children, working full-time , doing everything for 10 years. Loads of suggestions for respite, taking of myself etc....nothing available in area or not financially viable. Partner admitted and spent a very long time in hospital. Refused to have home as was not safe for any of us. Finally into 'supported living' still had to do loads (due to inadequate assessments, minimalising issues) That didn't keep him safe and died 2 years later.

I got absolutely crucified by others for refusing to let partner return home. I still think best decision for our children. It protected them and allowed them to have a relationship that was generally happy and supportive and shielded them from some of the worst episodes. They are happy, strong and independent.
For me, a few years on as a relatively young widow, parents died too, now experiencing PTSD and severe burn-out, barely function some days, but have to keep working full-time, with little money and no support. I will never have another relationship.
OP please do what is best for you and whatever your choice, don't feel guilty and don't worry about what others might think. They are not walking in your shoes. Living apart can be the best option for you all, I should have done it much earlier.

So in absolutely no way a comparable situation? If OP's DH had 24/7 professional care outside the home she would not be in this position.

I've name-changed for this.

OP, haven't had time to read the full thread. I grew up with a severely depressed (probably PTSD) father who had long lows. I think from quite a young age I was aware that he brought nothing very positive to the family. I loved him but I could see that other people had kind, actively involved fathers and his lack of interest and pleasure in me and my siblings hurt a lot. It was crushing at times.

My mum stayed with him and did what she could to minimise the damage to everyone at terrible cost to herself. He committed suicide a few years after me and my siblings had grown up and left home. It was devastating: it will always be devastating to lose a parent to suicide, whether you are living with them or not and even if a small part of you knows it was inevitable and brought an end to the other parent's suffering.

I think if my mum had been in a position to leave him it might, after a while, have been better for us all. His gloomy, joy-draining presence blighted so many occasions and limited our lives. I made a point of looking for a happy, positive man from a family without MH issues to marry and have children with. Our son, who's 24, has recently split up with his girlfriend because he began to see how her anxiety and negativity was preventing him from taking full advantage of the opportunities open to him. I was massively relieved.

There will be people who will say it's unfair to leave someone when they're ill, but I wouldn't encourage any woman with children to stay with an alcoholic or a narcissist or a drug or gambling addict. Sadly, I think growing up with someone with ongoing clinical levels of depression, and particularly someone who uses suicide as a way of controlling family, can do similar damage to those around them.

That's not the point.

The mental experiment is - if you got "free" what would you do next.

Maybe some of those things could be done even in the current situation and improve overall wellbeing (as the OP considers keeping it for a few more years).

That’s so sad for all of you; your poor DH.

Btw, saying my partner wants us to stay together, is not an opinion on what you should do. I’m just trying to say I have an insight into how relentless long covid can be both for the person with it and their families.

Always happy to have a chat to see if I can help with the anxiety.

Life has dealt you both a shitty hand, OP. I can’t imagine how difficult thus must be. But you are married and you love your husband. Your place is by his side, looking after him and supporting him. What an example to set your children of what marriage and love looks like. Conversely, if you walked away, what does that show your kids?

That’s funny that was my experience with Mind too when my brother had a total nervous collapse making it necessary for me to intervene , take food round to him every week, chase up GP, social services, MH services etc for 5 months until he was finally sectioned. Their (not) helpful message to me was “ maybe he doesn’t want help”. If I hadn’t helped him he’d have been found dead eventually.

My DH lived with a terminal illness for several years before he died, so I understand the immense dichotomy between everyday school/outside life vs. coming home to a hopeless situation every day. One thing that helped us was doing counselling together. Although we spoke about his illness, we were also able to talk about what was going on with DC, their struggles at school etc, rather than just focusing on the illness. And, really, DH did not want to bring everyone down...he wanted to help and be part of normal life but he was just limited in what he could do. But we found ways in which he could help, despite his illness. Maybe that's it. Personally I wouldn't leave, but I understand wanting an escape.

@SillyScilly I agree with this poster. It must be awful and very hard for you and I completely understand how draining and sad it is for you to have to deal with this 24/7.

But much of what you have said about the things which are pulling you down are to do with the fact that you are having to do everything to run your home, look after the children and all the life Admin that goes with that.

If you split up, that part of your life will not change. Might even be worse. Maybe it would help to get a cleaner, if you can afford it, or other help? I would also suggest it might help you to get some counselling to talk things through. You sound, not unreasonably, at the end of your tether and it might help you to see how best to deal with things going forward, see what will be best for you and your children, as well as your husband.

I feel for you

This is by far the post with the most understanding, & really good advice I have read ..❤️

So you don't know of any men doing what the OP is doing then, despite saying you did.

The man you talk about was being a single parent to one child, something many people do every day. The OP is having to manage a situation where her mentally ill husband is at home with her and their teenage children.

Excellent post @Fargo79

Most unhelpful comment of the day