When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

[SillyScilly]

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

You must be absolutely exhausted with it all. I have experience of providing ongoing support to a family member with mental health issues and it is so, so draining. And I don't live with them....

You mention that he has a good medical team and engages with them. Do you attend all of the appointments with him? Just wondering if there are any treatments etc that have been discussed with him and he has refused or anything that you might not be aware of. If you attend everything with him, then this is not the case. If you don't attend, can you get access to the team and meet with them to discuss all options like changes to medicine/therapy? Explain that things are at a crisis stage. It sounds like things are at the point where anything previously dismissed for one reason or another (either by him, or both of you together) now needs to be explored.

You love him, he loves you and your kids are at important stages in their education and development. For these reasons, I don't think I would choose now as the time to separate. However, firstly I would keep the idea of that as an option for a few years time. Personally I find the thought of having a Plan B in any situation, however hard or unlikely it might be, as a very calming energy to draw from when I need it. I let myself fall into the daydream of making it a reality at times when things are bad. I send myself off to sleep thinking about it. That might not make sense to you, we are all different! Just because you choose not to leave/separate now does not mean you are closing the door on that option forever. Secondly, prioritise yourself and your children. When your husband has a down period, what do you do? Do you spend lots of time looking after him, listening to him, picking up all the bits he would have done and now won't/can't? I can imagine that has been happening in a bid to get him well again. I think I would accept that you have done all you can now. Rather than have a conversation with him about separation, I think I would explain that I love and support him still but that you must now prioritise the children (and yourself - you can't fill from an empty cup, and all that). So when he has a down period, leave him to it and create joy for the children and you by doing things you enjoy. I don't mean that to sound heartless, and i know you might worry about what might happen in your absence. But I think you need to enjoy this last bit of time you have of your children's childhoods. They will be grown and gone soon, you all want happy times and your husband needs to do his share by accepting that.

Unfortunately pushing through makes things like Chronic Fatigue worse.

Men very commonly do leave their partners if they become ill. I love my partner but I know beyond doubt that if I became ill or disabled, he would not cope. We'd probably split up, and I'd get support elsewhere.

I was my Dad's carer during his last year of life OP, and I'm not ashamed to admit that it nearly broke me. I'm still not fully recovered and back to myself 2 years down the line. It makes you feel mentally and physically drained, and what you desperately need to avoid is complete burnout. Something that I suspect you're inching towards.

I need to be careful how I word this but people with MH conditions can be very self absorbed and won't see the bigger picture around them. Is your DH actively making any effort to physically improve? Is he eating well, taking regular exercise? And has he been turned into a "vegetative state" by too much medication? I would book him a GP appointment, and ask for a medication review at the least.

Gently said as well, are you enabling him to be this unwell? Can you have an honest chat about how you feel you're running on empty and something needs to change?

Worded much better than I could have done but fully agree. Serious mental health issues are incredibly difficult to deal with in a relative and you've been amazing. I have a friend with serious mental health issues, has the teams, takes the tablets, sometimes an in patient, sometimes has carers visit to support, fully engaged. She'll never work again. They call it the revolving door of mental health though don't they, as once your in the system you get a bit better than leave then hit a hurdle and fall back into the system. I see this in my friend. I'll probably get jumped on for this but there seems to be a 'resignation' to this status quo and even when there have been teeny tiny steps she could have taken with professional encouraging support she won't take them. If someone changes so much, either if it's by choice, circumstance or experience you can always rethink. I think the above posters suggestion of doing it slowly, if you decide to leave best fits this scenario.

I think the difference between serious MH problems versus serious physical problems where the sufferer is 'on top of' their emotions (albeit fes up) is that poor MH is effectively "catching" - as in, it has a high propensity to harm those around the sufferer. So the OP has a responsibility to protect hers and her childrens' (mental) health as well as supporting her husband.

I totally agree with what you say. As mentioned before I had a breakdown and the nature of the illness does make you more wrapped up in your own thoughts and feelings even if you don’t consider yourself a selfish person. After I came out of hospital I came straight back out to caring for my Mum and running my own household. I didn’t have a choice. Depending on the type of illness it is though it sounds like he is stuck in a certain way of thinking. If he lived on his own it might change his perspective but it could also go the other way. So it’s so hard.

@LauraNorda not wanting your children around someone who repeatedly expresses suicidal ideation is not abandonment for fuck’s sake. It’s self-preservation and acting in her children’s best interests.

Have you ever heard of a man doing all the household work, admin, taking care of the children and working full time while supporting a mentally ill wife who has no prospect of improving? Do these men never despair, long for a better life for their children and themselves? Would they never ask for advice or support from others experiencing the same thing?

The OP is fulfilling her promise but understandably is exhausted, overwhelmed and deeply sad for her children. Perhaps you could offer some words of compassion and practical advice.

She hasn't skedaddled yet. But she wants to.

Rob Burrows' wife didn't leave and after he died she said the thought never entered her head.

Now thats a woman who keeps her promises.

Yes, it's interesting that the people taking the most simplistic guilt trippy approach to the issue have shown no concern whatsoever for the children's welfare.

Thanks for sharing this. You are such an inspiration x

@SilverHammer This. OP - has he had full sets of bloods, MRI etc to check something else isn’t going on medically?? Full disclaimer is I had a ton of neuro issues post covid/post vaccine- I couldn’t say which as had them close together. This showed up a few things and I saw a neurologist who told me that my nervous system had gone into meltdown and gave me a list of things to try out -lots of wim hoff tummy breathing, went gluten free, massively upped Vit D - beta blockers for the headaches and anxiety . Gradually it all receded. I realise he isn’t me but I can’t help but wonder if all avenues physically have been checked out

if you could live separately is that achievable?
you dont need approval here

Are you, or have you been in this situation? Do you have even the first clue what it might be like?

I feel for you, SillyScilly.

I wonder about the medication he is on, I presume you have both researched it thoroughly but I know some really doesn't help and can exacerbate problems.

I'll probably get deleted for this and perhaps I deserve it, but whenever I see a simplistic post that berates a woman, centres men and ignores kids - and I see quite a lot of them - I check the username, and it is quite amazing how often it is explicitly feminine. Especially given that most users on here don't have usernames like that.

This is a great post.

It would seem that the enormous amount of medical and psychiatric care is either not working, or bluntly, keeping DH ‘alive’. - but only just.

perhaps it is time to try a different route, although in my experience ( which I will not go into) merely getting the ‘patient’ to take responsibility and try ‘self improvement’ measures as previously suggested is a major step forward.

Is there any other adult in his life who could make that suggestion?

Yes, I have. A young couple with a 7 year old girl a few doors down. A few months after they arrived, the wife had some sort of brain anurysm that put her in a long-term coma. The husband, a builder, kept as much work on as he could and took care of his daughter for 10 years until his wife eventually passed away without ever regaining consciousness. Totally put his life on hold until his daughter left home.

I can’t say what I want to say. But this comment is absolutely insufferable.

This may seem simplistic, because maybe it is, but does he need a break from family life with a relative to start being able to appreciate what he has at home again?
It sounds like he's stuck in a spiral of focusing on negativity (understandable with depression), maybe a break from the things which he takes for granted like being around you and the DC would allow him to find some elements of enjoyment in them again?
Also getting out of the house and especially into nature is known to be beneficial to mental health, but getting the willingness to do it is the hard part.

Say what you want. I never press the report button. I promise.

Bluntly, if he had cancer there would be some sort of end in sight, either death or recovery
This is a living nightmare for all of them with no real end in sight, what happens when the children leave, go to Uni? OP will be a full time carer with no life
People mention respite etc this is very hard to get in real life, I have a family member aged 87 looking after his wife with Alzheimer’s and he can’t get any respite, Social Sevices say he needs to put her in a home and pay around £5k a month - which he cannot afford, until she gets some sort of care package - which could take ages

Wtf has Rob Burrows (whoever he may be), or his wife have to do with the op?

No two cases are alike. The op does not want, or intend, to abandon her husband. She just does not know where to turn for help in this extremely difficult situation, any one of us could feel like that in the same circumstances. She needs help, not comparisons with obscure people. Everyone is an individual and each case is different.

Edit: Rob Burrows had MND, he died 4.5 years after diagnosis; no comparison. Stop it, you are ridiculous as well as insensitive!