When is love no longer enough…? Poorly DH

[SillyScilly]

Name changed for this. Posting here for greater traffic.

Been married for a long time, together for even longer. During Covid my DH got very unwell and had a full mental breakdown. He was the breadwinner, I had a part time role. Before Covid he was high earning full time city worker. My job was term time, and centred around the kids (one of which has SEN) which meant I did all drop offs/ pick ups / holiday care / bedtimes. I enjoyed our life and it suited us.
During Covid everything changed, he got seriously unwell and ended up medically retired and suddenly I had to do all the caring and parenting. We moved out of the city to a lovely country town. All while dealing with engaging with the local mental health services while working full time in an admin job (needed to get a full time
job to support us). Anyway, life in the country is fab and me and the children are the happier for it.
however, now we are in 2025 and my DH illness isn’t really improving, he has regular bouts of suicidal ideation, is thoroughly unwell. He is under the care of the local mental health services, he attends therapy, takes all the medication he is prescribed, he engages with his medical team - and yet doesn’t seem to be improving 😞
Living with someone who is so unwell is draining and difficult- I have stepped up to the plate and taken on all the things that were previously shared between us, I run our home and keep our children going with all their needs and activities.
I have, I suppose, compassion fatigue. Life is sad and hard work and while everything in mine and the kids’ life is running as it should, I feel no joy and I worry about our children witnessing all the sad.
The one thing that I don’t feel is lack of love - I still love my DH and want to do right by him. But I don’t know if I want me and the kids to be under the same roof as him. He has openly said that me and the kids are what keep him alive. So I worry that if I separate that it will doom him. I have no desire to pursue any other relationship, but I would like a happier life.
what do I do? Any other mumsnetters been in this position and how did you navigate it? I feel so alone.

I also meant to mention that in between deeper bouts of illness he remains a devoted father massively interested and engaged with our children. He physically cannot do much like take them out on his own, but he engages with their studies, he plays board games with them, he watches tv shows and movies and documentaries with each child according to their interests. He makes sure their homework and exam revision is done.
he struggles with interacting with outside people so play dates only happen if I am around. He is a great father in between the depths of fear and chaos he experiences.

My feelings are totally divided - I love him but I don’t know how much longer I have in me to carry on with this. Our children our now year 9 and year 11.

Not everyone lives in England. Other countries, even those within the UK, have entirely different education systems. You see, not that hard to understand?

We moved out of the city to a lovely country town

Seems a somewhat silly action given approaching teens, a physically and mentally debilitated husband, and no support in the new area whatsoever.

It's set up as an English site though. Fair enough to ask if you're unsure though.

Aren’t you a delight?
Our mortgage in the Big Smoke was huge and once DH stopped being paid sick leave we had no way to pay it. So it was sell up and buy something cheaper or be homeless. FWIW we had no family support in the Big Smoke either, it’s always been just us. We have friends but no family network that is close enough to access.
Now we live in a modest house with no mortgage. For the first time we have local friends and neighbours who are lovely. How is that a silly move?

Simply because I questioned how sensible a move to the country was given almost teens, an incapacitated husband, no support, and mental health support in rural parts not known for being extensive

but hey ho

I think the reasoning was pretty obvious from the OP.

Do you have children @LauraNorda ? Would you say this to them if they came to you in the OP’s position?

Sending you all the love in the world. I too have become my husbands carer and, unless you’ve walked this path it’s impossible to imagine. There seems to be an 18-24 month ceiling on being able to do it all and still love them without resentment.

Things that help:

1. check out what support your local authority offer in terms of practical support and respite for carers. That includes the kids.

2. make sure school have identified yours as young carers and that they are included in any support initiatives there.

3. Be selfish and be proud and take absolutely no shit from anyone-look at you doing it all-
   snide comment from a neighbour about the garden? Fuck ‘em!
   Helpful suggestion from the in-laws-fuck ‘em too! Sideways with a broom handle! Unless they are offering practical help that respects your autonomy over your home, children, finances and marriage they don’t get a say! Don’t be afraid to tell them that if you need to.

Personally, after three years and a diagnosis with no hope of improvement I started an affair-not the course I expected my life to take, not one I’m proud of, but it keeps me sane and supported.

Best of luck and do feel free to message me if it would help.

I have compassion fatigue but not for the same reason. You don't mention that you are having counselling/therapy. I would strongly suggest it.

You’re being complete reasonable, fair and caring - you might feel you have compassion fatigue but your compassion jumps off the page to me.

Could you say, I love you and will always care about you but this relationship isn’t making me happy. You can see the kids daily/as often as you’re able but I need to step back from this.

What is his pip being spent on?

Things that have helped using Pip:

Cleaner once a week
Gardner 4 times a year to keep it under control.
Buying Cook meals
Someone in every other day to do washing/ sort laundry/ ironing etc. They also clean out cupboards.

Adult social care were the biggest waste of space! Agreed l was very ill and needed personal and house care ( cleaning etc) Then they just put personal care only in the support plan as they don’t want to spend money, even though l couldn’t get out of bed.

We found local fb groups helpful for this sort of stuff.

What are you getting from this thread op? You have to put your children first and make him realise that. What do you want your children to learn from this. He needs to get himself strong for his kids sake. There is no more money worries what does he want? What is his expectations because it may never be achievable and he will have to get used to his new life. Some people don't have what he has he's lucky. This is one of my favourite songs no matter how down you feel you can pick yourself up again by being happy and making others happy.

OP,
It sounds like you’ve been carrying so much for so long, and it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling exhausted and torn.
Look into local or online support groups, especially those for partners of people with chronic mental illness or long-term conditions. Organizations like Mind or Carers UK can provide more tailored advice, and hearing from others in similar situations might ease the burden. While Mumsnet has a lot of traffic, it may not always offer the most specialized support.
It’s perfectly okay to prioritize your own well-being and your children’s too. You’ve been incredibly strong for everyone—who’s taking care of you?
Consider seeking additional professional help—sometimes local services can be overwhelmed or stuck. Would a second opinion or alternative therapies be an option? Even family therapy could improve communication and provide tools to handle this together.
Set some boundaries at home—loving someone doesn’t mean absorbing all the fallout. Creating space for yourself emotionally and physically, through routines or “buffer zones,” can really help.
Prepare for honest conversations, perhaps with support. Saying “I’m at my limit” isn’t cruel—it’s human. You might be surprised by the solutions that emerge when everything is out in the open.
And yes, your children are a huge priority. They are clearly loved by both of you. Kids are resilient, but they notice sadness and tension. Encouraging them to talk to a school counselor or someone they trust can lighten their load.
Lastly, your DH seems like a deeply loving dad, even in the midst of everything he’s facing. The way he connects with the kids and shares in their interests is significant. That kind of presence builds memories and emotional resilience, showing how much he values his role as their father.

PS:
I can’t believe some of the comments I’m reading—suggesting separation or even divorce, with harsh criticisms of OP’s DH simply because he’s a man. Some Mumsnetters seem like unhinged keyboard warriors with an obvious bias against men.

Can you get a carer come in, say one day a week. Lighten the load for you
do a few chores, or sit and chat with DH,
You certainly need a break. Wishing you well.

I don't think she should divorce. He has to accept he may never return back to full physical health again. He has children and his mental health will affect them. The op has not mentioned anything about how the children are coping only herself. If she is rundown then so are they. He has to accept his life now and enjoy his family. The consequences are to their children they will either end up with MH issues themselves or they will run.

If life was rosy the op wouldn't be here talking about it. She's needs to start pushing for a change. Do more family activities together and holidays. Can he start a business from home or a new hobby something that will take him away and improve his mood. Mental health stems from doing nothing he needs to make changes and do something that he can enjoy. He could build a train set from scratch, anything.

I don’t think people properly understand Long Covid on here.

Ive had to drop all my hobbies. They are too tiring. I often can’t watch tv or use a phone ( today is a good day)

l can’t leave the house. The fatigue is overwhelming. I’ve tried, but it’s too exhausting.

The mental health issues caused by neuro inflammation have been truly terrifying and beyond anything I’ve ever known. I’m on 2 antidepressants which work, but don’t touch all the areas. Suicidal thinking is one that isn’t touched. I love my family more than anything. But somehow LC has made me numb. I don’t feel much except the desire to escape from the horror of it. I’ve asked Dh to kill me before now. Never felt like this before LC.

He’s kind and supportive and we try to help each other. But it’s been hell.

He didn't just abandon his wife in hospital until the day she died. He worked as much as he could, looked after his daughter, did the usual life admin and visited the hospital with his daughter almost every day to take care of her when he could.

The trouble is, a lot of posters here have no idea about Long Covid and how it varies from individual to individual. You are often talking brain fog, neurological changes along with chronic fatigue. I know. I'm still in it 5 years later.

Suggestions about gardening, or planning/preparing meals/shopping are really unhelpful to someone struggling with CFS. It's not lack of will - it's lack of energy. There are a great many days when I can't get out of bed - or an hour's conversation with a friend will wipe me out for days. Having a shower means I can't then physically dress myself as I'm too exhausted. The reality of living with a long term or permanent chronic condition is really difficult - and whilst I appreciate that it's very hard for the OP it's even harder for her husband, who sounds like he's doing his best.

When there is no treatment and no cure it's very difficult. Some of these well meant suggestions are in direct opposition to what the ME Association and experts recommend and are likely to be detrimental to his health and condition.

@SillyScilly I'm not going to detail my personal cirs here but you have my sympathy and empathy.

I see you as having 3 choices and I say again, go and get some counselling so you let this all out with a professional who won't judge.

1 Stay as you are but enlist help at home and get the kids more involved-delegate. Get your H to a specialist and see if there are options for treatment the NHS doesn't offer. Encourage him to do exercise, walks, hobbies, join a group for people with limiting conditions. He needs a life away from the house too.

2 Leave - but do your pros and cons list very carefully - no rose tinted specs.

3 Stay as you are but carve out more of a life for yourself. Find a place where you accept this as your life but you run your own life away from it too. Some people (if their partners are incapacitated and can't have sex, have a lover/affair) but that's a minefield and needs careful thought. Not advocating it, but acknowledging couples sometimes agree an 'arrangement' which helps them stay together.

So sorry for the situation you're in. Long COVID is badly understood and so hard for those who have it and their carers.

I haven't RTFT. I have LC but not as severely as your DH.
Apologies if these have already been mentioned and of course ignore if it's of no help... there are two things that have made a big, big difference to me if he doesn't already know about them:

• suzybolt.com 's Rest Repair Recover programme (and her Fern programme, which I intend to do soon).

The community support has massively helped my mental health

• A supplement called Augmented NAC which apparently dismantles the spike protein. Look up Dr Tina Peers who recommends it. See

You didn't question. You made a judgement and called it a silly action. The OP is struggling so your unwarranted judgement is the silly action here

How does Americans cope with LC?

I said it seemed a silly action

moving to the country with pre teens / teens when you are essentially the sole parent will inevitably mean a massive increase in being in the car and driving them around.

Also mental health services in rural areas? Not exactly cutting edge

This.
Horrendous for him who has been and is a devoted father. Previously excellent provider.
I believe OP needs to stay and source support for coping strategies

This.
Horrendous for him who has been and is a devoted father. Previously excellent provider.
I believe OP needs to stay and source support for coping strategies