How many hours did you work after going back from maternity leave?

[twoorthreeorfour]

My contract is changing to 3 days, 22.5 hours. I wondered what other people do. If you reduced your hours, at what point did you go full time again?

I think I am trying to work out how someone can do all of these things and do them well.

I’ve actually looked back over many biblical passages. Many actually do refer to women working. The WFH phenomena could be seen as a more modern take on women ‘working at home’ than housework. Making and selling things is mentioned (a modern eBayer!) I think the overriding point is that when there is conflict, family should always take precedence. That resonates with me. I would find it extremely emotionally difficult to be elsewhere if my child was ill/had an event/wasn’t happy with it.

I do have genuine concerns about the safety of nurseries for babies. There have been recent high profile cases of deaths, abuse and serious accidents. There is data to show a sharp increase in serious incidents being reported. Possibly we can all agree that they should have strict staff ratios, staff turnover should be limited, more frequent/drop-in inspections are needed and staff should receive better pay, training and appreciation.

I do think it is a shame if women who would like children delay having them because workplaces are so unfriendly to them returning, or because they wouldn’t be at the same level, have the same opportunities. If you look at countries round the world, there are trends where there are sharp declines in women having children because of this. I do also think society sneers at young mums in a way that wasn’t the case in years gone by.

The Bible makes it clear that God doesn’t call all women to have children. I’m actually friends with an executive Head Teacher who doesn’t have children and who is one of the best people I know. She has done so much good for literally thousands of families in a deprived area over many years. Dedicates every waking moment to her cause. I really believe this was her calling and she makes a difference every day. Our community us very lucky to have such a talented leader. She’s in my top 3 female role models actually.

So are we to conclude your earlier inflammatory posts were intended to offend and cause argument?

or that this discussion has caused a u-turn in your original opinions?

22.5. I went up to 30 hours when he started school but then had another baby so have gone back down to 22.5 again

I think that this discussion has been a bit of an eye opener for @SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal , as suggested by her later comments.

The question of 'how do you do it well' is dependent on how you define 'well'. And that is where you run into trouble, because there are lots of methods of doing it well. In terms of being there when your children are ill, there's:

• Having a flexible enployer who provides good carer leave
• Sharing the load with a partner/husband
• Having relatives nearby who are able to support you

And some of us do not have any of those things but still need to work, so we struggle on.

In terms of missing your children while you are at work, that depends entirely on your personality. When I went back to work after mat leave, I absolutely did miss my children - but they both settled into nursery with such complete ease. I was lucky to have a very good nursery with virtually zero staff turnover, family run, open and transparent. My kids are now adults, but they still greet their former nursery workers when they meet in town - and yet that had no adverse impact on their bond with their parents. As a working parent, what you end up doing is putting your children first when you aren't at work and that is no hardship: family meals, bathtime, reading stories at bedtime - it's all a joy. And of course there's weekends.

I really thought I could be a SAHM when I first went on mat leave. That lasted 4 months and then it became intensely lonely and stressful. The mums group I was part of were all going to be SAHM and their conversation was so, so limited. I wanted people I could discuss the things I was interested in with. They only wanted to talk about all things baby. I was incompatible with them. When I went back to work, I got all the adult company and conversation I needed.

Other people are temperamentally more suited to being a SAHM, and have better groups of fellow mums around them. The dice fall as they will.

I want mothers to really consider for themselves what they think and not be pressured by the government pushing more and more free hours for increasingly young babies. It is OK not to use these and to opt out, but I fear this will become normalised.

Parker231 raised some valid points. I will accept that since I haven’t personally used a nursery for under 3s, so I don’t have first hand experience of that. I do generally prefer to comment on my own direct experience. I have positive firsthand experience for a school based Nursery for the pre-school year. Interesting to hear she wanted to help her children learn English, I respect nuanced points within a debate.

It has been interesting to get to know other posters and their individual reasonings more. I appreciate how much others have shared. I think ultimately we all want to feel understood and all have our unique reasons for our decisions, which aren’t always initially clear.

What about fathers - do you not want them to think about whether to use a nursery or stay at home? Should they not consider all the things they could be missing out on?

I want mothers to really consider for themselves what they think and not be pressured by the government pushing more and more free hours for increasingly young babies. It is OK not to use these and to opt out, but I fear this will become normalised.

Nobody is forcing anyone to use free house but if it make childcare more affordable then I'm all for it. Our nursery fees were more than our mortgage. The cost of childcare is removing choice from a lot of families.

So I can only speak for my DH, but he would have preferred to stay at home if I hadn’t wanted to. I was actually offered a job with a promotion at a new workplace after I’d been at home a couple of years, and he said straightaway I would swap with you. I really wanted to stay with my youngest though. He actually prefers being at home to work himself.

If I died DH would also be able to afford to instantly drop to 3 days a week, which is why we refuse to move and take on a bigger mortgage. One of us would be OK part-time as we have stuck with our first home.

It can be ‘intensely lonely’ for sure. I understand the struggles with finding like-minded conversation. I have found that through volunteering.

why’s it one or the other though? Did you consider both of you working PT so you could both have a balance, spending time with your children. It can be done still without needing childcare.

dh also had kids to spend time with them, so we have shared the work and childcare between us, with (an excellent) nursery to fill the gaps in the early years.

Tbf it’s a running theme on mumsnet where women happily go part time and fathers appear not be considered at all. It’s a given that they stay FT, whether they want to or not. I’ve seen so many threads where the o/p’s rationale for PT/FT/sah does not even indicate they have a partner at all.

I guess it varies by workplace.

For us, both doing PT was fraught with difficulties. We both actually had the same boss for years. He made it very clear he didn’t like PT staff. He moved them deliberately to divisions which bore no resemblance to their experience/interests. He removed aspects of roles they enjoyed and made sure they couldn’t take on other opportunities. Many were friends of ours, and I watched in horror for years when I worked FT without children at how poorly they were being treated. If you tried to leave and move jobs your life was made hell.

I personally did not want to return to work for this boss as a PT employee.

So your wish to stay at home trumped your DH’s ?

Seems so doesn't it.

Yes actually, because I’d always made it clear that was what I wanted to do when he met me 10 years before we had our first child.

He had ample time to end things and date a breadwinner if he’d wanted to do that 😂

Easy one for us - neither DH or I wanted to be a SAHP or work part time (part time would have killed our careers at the point we were at then). I had six months maternity leave when DT’s were born - standard amount of time then.

Your husband is a good man.

If a prerequisite of being with someone or having a family with them was that I funded it, because they’d made clear that’s what they wanted..

I would neither not do it, or be full of resentment. I’d feel taken a lend of.

add to that anyone who demanded we stick to hypothetical plans made while we were still dating.

things change. I’ve had times where FT worked for me, and dh picked up the slack at home, and times where I’ve needed to take a step back from work and focus on home and children.

if dh had told me no you said you wanted to keep working FT so you have to do that, or said he wanted to sah (he did suggest that) and made me stick to that with no discussion, I’d have been out of there.

That’s why it’s best to discuss these things beforehand. If one party isn’t happy then they need to speak up. It’s like people who clearly tell someone they don’t want children from the outset- I would believe them rather than spend years trying to change their mind. Or those who state that they don’t want to get married- wouldn’t work or me and I’d take that at face value. They can find someone who else agrees.

People on here refuse to accept that it really suits some couples to have 1 at home 1 at work. Or that (usually for women) PT work/some reduction or flexibility with hours is preferable after having children.

We are going round in circles TBH and there’s nothing new to say really. I will wish you a good rest of the day.

I appreciate the apology.

To be honest, I have no idea what your removed comment said anyway.

Why the women for the pt/reduced hours - this is what we need to move away from. Why not the man ?

women will never have equality at home and work if we continue with this sexism.

No you’re right, we are likely to go in circles.

I don’t believe parenting or running a house is a full time job, because many do it around full time work, or part time if they reduce hours etc. I don’t believe it requires the 35-40 extra hours a person would gain by not working. I’ve got no idea how you’d be filling those days, once children are at school, as it doesn’t take everyone else all day.

I’ve been fortunate to be with men who wouldn’t expect (or want) a 1950’s housewife, or they’d have been sorely disappointed, and being ambitious and independent has actually always been a benefit.

I’m torn between it being unreasonable to outwardly expect a man to fund your life, and it being a shame that some women still feed into patriarchy by telling men they control the household.

I have equal expectations of my partners. We both earn, we both manage the household, we both raise the child. That’s what equality is, and that’s what we allegedly wanted.

People on here refuse to accept that it really suits some couples to have 1 at home 1 at work. Or that (usually for women) PT work/some reduction or flexibility with hours is preferable after having children

And you refuse to accept that your way might be best for you and your DC’s but it certainly isn’t better for others - including my family