How many hours did you work after going back from maternity leave?

[twoorthreeorfour]

My contract is changing to 3 days, 22.5 hours. I wondered what other people do. If you reduced your hours, at what point did you go full time again?

Great to hear you are getting involved and and are sure of that for yourself.

And completely misses the point of my post 😂

to put it bluntly, the qualities this poster is looking for in a society- females with no access to education as it’s a waste of time, women not being allowed to work, the focus on marriage and babies, backed by religion.

somewhere like Afghanistan perhaps? All the morally corrupt professional women have been forced to stop work and are now at home looking after the men and babies. 28% of women are married under the age of 18, and can crack on with their traditional lives. No evil institutional nurseries, as she wants.

pretty much what @SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal has described as an ideal.

That's actually the first time you've not responded nastily to me.

You have a picture of what you think the life of a working mother looks like and have been pretty reluctant to acknowledge that it's not this awful, bleak existence for parents and their children.
Perhaps you'll start to understand that there are many different ways to be a parent and we're all just doing our best.

Us working mothers aren't uninterested parents! We know what's best for our children.

Exactly.

It’s a balance but it isn’t impossible to be a good parent and also have a fulfilling career. Working makes me a better parent.

That’s a very extreme example. I hope we can all agree that no woman would want to live in Afghanistan right now. It would certainly be a horrendous existence for SAHMs, given that they would be forbidden from taking their children to the park, swim, read to them even. We absolutely need to more to help and I would actually love to hear any ideas anyone here has about what to do next…

Similar here - I was a school governor for years - co opted because of my profession skills gained through my career.

I'm actually very vocal about this but I suspect that you won't agree with me.

I believe we need more men to look at their working patterns and work more flexibly. And we need employers to be more supportive of men working flexibly, part time and using shared parental leave.
We need to move away from women being the default part time worker or the one working flexible hours. This would benefit both men and women enormously.

Same. I started as a parent governor but now co-opted because of my professional skills and experience. My trustee role is directly linked to my job.

I’m very vocal about this too.

I’d like to see a much better paternity leave than only 2 weeks and flexible working to be aimed at both parents, not just mothers.

32hrs over 4 days, likely will go back full time once dd starts school. I also have flexible working as I’m a community nurse and pre-mat leave worked up until 10pm some shifts, now I don’t work past 5 due to nursery pick ups x

I partially agree.

If I were to be at work, I could actually only fully relax at work if my DH was with our children. E.g. I’d feel better him doing the school run on a certain day or attending a school event than neither of us.

Having grown up without a Dad entirely, sure it’s great for Dads and children to spend more time together. That’s great for everyone. I’m happy for children who have involved, loving fathers. That can only be a good thing for all involved.

I do think though you’ll always get some couples where one is happier to focus on home and one on their career. Sometimes possibly because it is just practically or financially easier.

I actually know one couple where both Mum and Dad worked part-time until their children were at school. Both seemed really invested in their home life. Worked well for them. I actually thought it was awful when Dad tried to move job he was told he’d have got a job at interview if he would do FT. Possibly that deters some men.

As another option then sure, why not?

Oh paternity leave should be extended for sure, given that modern mothers lack ‘the village’ of extended family support, etc. Often their DH is their only real support day-to-day. Not to mention those who need 6 weeks to recover from c-sections. Or those who’s newborn sadly has to stay in the NICU for a while. Or are struggling with post-natal depression.

14.8 hours after DC1 (2 daysm), went up to 22.2 hours after DC2 (12 months apart in age).

Went up to 4 days when DCs were 6&7 & then gradually went up until I got full time again when DC1&2 were 10 & 11.

When I had DC3, I came back 22.2 hours from mat leave & went back up to full time when they were 3.

12 / 13 year age gap between DC1&2 and DC3.

I much prefer working full time!

I do think though you’ll always get some couples where one is happier to focus on home and one on their career. Sometimes possibly because it is just practically or financially easier.

Of course. Nobody is trying to take that away.

I actually know one couple where both Mum and Dad worked part-time until their children were at school. Both seemed really invested in their home life. Worked well for them. I actually thought it was awful when Dad tried to move job he was told he’d have got a job at interview if he would do FT. Possibly that deters some men.

I think it does, there is still an expectation that men will work full time. It would be hugely beneficial both men and women if this narrative changed.

Oh I’m sure if Afghanistan women could take their kids to the park all would be right with their world.

if that’s all you think is wrong…

I have done 4 days a week (28 hours) since i went back after my eldest. They are now 14 and 10 and i am still 4 days a week. I am a single parent and find it helps my mental health a lot.

DH and I would have never married or had children if he’d expected me to be a SAHM. Luckily he had good role models in his mother - a teacher and his sister, a dentist.
Neither of us had careers which would have worked on a part time basis when DT’s were young and we were still trying to get up the career ladder. We both went part time when we were 50 in preparation for retirement two years later.

My partners mum was a SAHP. She ran a tight ship, kept a beautiful home, and he came home every day to freshly baked cakes and home cooked pies etc.

Sounds lovely, but not my thing. I’ve made totally clear that I am not, and never will be, an idyllic housewife. It’s not who I am, nor who I want to be.

I want my own career, my own earning potential, and if either of those things were an issue - we couldn’t be together.

Obviously not. I was making the point that life there is so beyond the realm of what we can imagine here in the UK (with the exception of covid actually, when parks were initially shut).

This is one of those which really annoys traditional wives. It is very extreme to assume that a wife who prioritised her husband, children and home wants us all to live like Afghanistan currently is. How utterly ridiculous.

How many traditional wives do you actually speak to in real life? We are fans of leaving our houses as and when we choose, talking in public, driving cars, reading books, etc. Many of the ‘opting out’ ones are very highly educated. Many are involved in very well respected voluntary community roles, eg school governors, volunteering for Cruse/Samaritans, etc. They have time to give to these influential roles within their communities. They don’t actually ‘stay at home’ all day, whereas women in Afghanistan are pretty much forbidden to leave their homes without a male chaperone.

To be crystal clear- other countries must do all they can to help these women! It is a desperate situation with zero choice.

Many of us ‘working wives’ are also highly educated and volunteer for roles in the community such as school governor. I also gave time to a foodbank and a charity supporting women to gain corporate roles who came from families where they were the first to go to university

Yet your idylllic 1950’s era women did not go to university. Girls education was rarely invested in because they would be getting married. They had to give up work on marriage. You stated earlier that women should not be distracted by education and should be preparing for marriage earlier.

women weren’t allowed bank accounts, to own property.

Even as late as the 80’s I remember my mum being denied a credit card because she didn’t have a husband to sign for it. When my dad died my mum couldn’t buy food as everything was in his name and got frozen. She had to go to the bank and beg for enough cash to see her through the week.

i am against any restrictions on women’s rights, choices and freedoms. Yet you seem to want to take us back to a world where there are no nurseries, women stay at home, men look after the finances. No thanks.

The point many of us are making is that you can prioritise your family, your home, volunteer and contribute to your community AND work. They’re not mutually exclusive.

Opting to be a traditional wife doesn’t make you a better wife or mother. The air of superiority is grating.

However, I do find this harking back to past bizarre and think you’re viewing it through rose tinted glasses. You have a daughter, why would you want to return to a time where marital rape was legal, where women were forced to give up jobs (those they could access) and have no financial independence. It wasn’t the utopia you think it was.

I know I am a better mother for not working. It’s hard to be good or bad at something if I am physically not even there.

OP, Mumsnet is an extremely biased place against SAHMs, or even those like the poster who stated she’s happy working 16 hours. Plenty proudly stare that ‘I could never be a SAHM’ basing that on unfounded negativity, because they haven’t actually done it.

Its Important you and other women hear from those who are doing it and who really enjoy it. It’s been amazing for my bond with my children and for their happiness and development. Here’s why:

• Under 1- complete focus on attachment and bonding. No physical or mental distractions. I had complete control over how long I breastfed, no need to faff about pumping. No pressure to return to work whilst still doing night feeds and getting less sleep. Complete consistency over establishing nap routines. I could be completely responsive, watch for cues and ensure naps happened at consistent times at home, which is the most most soothing for a young baby. Trying to establish proper routines whilst changing people and places is highly disruptive.
• 1-2- such a shame to return to work and to miss out on when things start getting even more interactive! You watch your little one take their first steps, You get to feed them and watch them enjoying food (I home cooked every single thing they ate for the first 2 years. I loved researching this nutritionally and planning their meals). There are many more local things you can do together and get more out of.
• 2-3- a fantastic age! As their nap reduces to 1 after lunch, you have every morning together. You can attend an amazing variety of baby groups, go swimming, go to the park, see friends, go to soft play. These are much quieter during the week and more relaxing with only other little ones there. You can play with a much wider range of toys, puzzles, books, messy play etc and lead your child’s early education. We have spent hour after hour reading piles of books, making puzzles, playing Orchard board games. You can potty train very quickly and easily, because you can ensure the routine is the same. My children’s Nursery teachers actually commented to me that they wish every 3 year old had had the start mine had, said they can tell you do so much with them as their speech is so advanced and they have so many basic skills that children unfortunately now lack, e.g. colouring, using scissors, opening glue sticks, washing their hands, etc. School staff are noticing the detrimental effects of basic skills no longer being taught in the home.
• 3-4- 3 hours of Nursery now comes into its own. Your child is ready to start making their own friends and having some different adventures! You still get to eat lunch together every day (when they share everything about their morning, you listen and learn so much), then spend the afternoon doing whatever you enjoy together. You can ensure your child has quiet time and a rest, as they can be tired initially from Nursery. If your child is ill, you never have to feel stressed or worrying about rearranging your own work, your focus is entirely on nurturing your own child back to full health.
• School- you know all of their friends and parents because you are always on the school run. You know the staff really well. You can instantly deal with any issues. You can volunteer and get invited on all the trips. Your child will never sit alone watching other children showing their Mums their work because you will attend every event. You can do your child’s reading straight after school if they are tired during Reception. You can say yes to play dates and extra-curricular on any day of the week.

Being a SAHM is amazing! I’ve studied and worked, but this is the most amazing thing I have ever done. It involves hard work, research, trial and error, not delegating, being imaginative and creative, being accountable, setting your own goals, really getting to know your own children and following their own talents and interests. It’s the ultimate career.

It’s not a career.

Careers come with pay, from an employer, our husbands aren’t our employers.

We’re not employees in our own homes.