Out of interest- what are the main challenges?
I had a very bad experience in my previous workplace prior to resigning. I’m unsure if it was sexist or just a clash of personalities. Close colleagues think it was sexist. One told me she thought I did 3x more work and everything by the book, but the boss would pick me up over the tiniest thing. She observed him being very complimentary, buddy and matey with a male colleague on the same level as me who in her opinion did far less work. I was manoeuvred into taking on work I wasn’t paid for, which somebody else did challenge on my behalf but ultimately nothing came of it. He also tried to get me to lie about a less junior colleague’s work behaviour as he wanted her out because she took in his opinion too much time off when her child was ill. He was pushing for any evidence he could use against her. She was excellent at her job and to work with, I was horrified and told him straight that I had zero issues with her work, in fact quite the opposite. That definitely angered him further towards me.
He was absolutely not a boss I would have wanted to return to work for after maternity leave.
HighLadyofTheNightCourt ·
30/07/2025 19:18
Thank you.
One of the reasons I didn’t want to go part time was because I felt it would limit my career progression and I could see part time staff doing the work of a full time person but for less pay. It’s not right but that’s what I could see.
Working in academia has a number of challenges but they’re particularly pronounced for women. Where possible I’ve got involved in initiatives and projects which are designed to support women working in higher education and address the inequalities.
Quoting HighLadyofTheNightCourt
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal ·
30/07/2025 18:54
That’s positive to hear you’ve still had opportunities to reflect your interest.
I do have a friend who I have spent a great deal of time listening to and supporting who I believe has been treated awfully since being PT. We both worked together FT and she was always brilliant. She personally mentored me, known her for 15 years. Things I know she did really well professionally completely stopped, which wasn’t what she wanted. Really uncalled for.
Congratulations on your PhD, that’s a huge achievement 🥂
Quoting SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal
HighLadyofTheNightCourt ·
30/07/2025 18:39
Colleagues - female colleagues.
I always knew I’d return full time. I had colleagues who kept telling me I’d change my mind. When I did return full time they told me I’d last 6 months.
Ten years later and not only am I still full time but I’ve been promoted numerous times and completed a PhD.
I’ve typically found that female colleagues and managers have assumed that I won’t want opportunities or that I’ll be less interested in my job. I’ve had two wonderful male managers who have given me amazing opportunities while appreciating I have a young family.
I work at university so they tend to be pretty supportive and have clear policies and procedures in place to support your return to work.
Quoting HighLadyofTheNightCourt
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal ·
30/07/2025 18:05
Do you mind me asking who said that to you? Was your initial return to work supportive?
Quoting SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal
HighLadyofTheNightCourt ·
30/07/2025 16:53
Why do you need so much external validation for you choices?
And it’s not the case that women are forced back to work full time. Significantly more women work part time than men.
I lost count how many people told me how terrible it was that I’d come back to work full time once I’d had DS. Nobody said that to DH funnily enough.
Quoting Parker231
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal ·
30/07/2025 16:35
You might understand it better if you were to impersonate being a happy housewife for a week. If you told people that’s what you do and didn’t have a single person really genuinely tell you ‘that’s great!’ (Including men who don’t even have children!). Look closely at what political parties and the media say, and more importantly don’t say.
Yet I speak to mothers who are at work who are in tears and extremely distressed that they can’t afford to stay at home. That’s wrong they’ve been priced out of that.
Maybe one day everyone will have a genuine choice either way, but we’re not there yet.
Quoting SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal
Parker231 ·
30/07/2025 16:22
Where is this pressure - you make it sound excessive. If it means greater equality - the more the better.
We brought up DS and DD to both understand that they can have equal access to study, employment, home life, family.
Quoting SleeplessInWherever
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal ·
30/07/2025 16:16
But the societal pressures is still there now, but it is in the opposite direction, that women must work.
Quoting SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal
SleeplessInWherever ·
30/07/2025 16:10
Many women were also essentially forced to remain at home, either because their husband was in charge and said so, or because of societal pressures.
Quoting Mustbethat
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal ·
30/07/2025 15:22
Right OK. Let’s clear up a few things about the 1950s:
- Was everyone a housewife? No.
- Was everyone who was one happy? No.
- Were some happy? Yes.
- Are those who choose to be one today happy? Yes.
- Was it better being a housewife in the ‘50s- yes because more women were so you had more friends, and absolutely yes because society respected it as a role of great importance to both the family and local community. 1950s housewives were not constantly badgered about when they were going back to work, which completely minimises their contribution.
- Is being a housewife better nowadays? Yes because you can drive, housework is less intensive and so you have more time to enjoy a much wider range of activities with your children and have some fun!
When I say I’d like to go back to the ‘50s I am primarily referring to it being non-controversial to be a housewife. Respected and celebrated even!
Quoting SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal
Mustbethat ·
30/07/2025 10:29
That completely contradicts your earlier posts though where you state your wish to return to the 50’s, that women should be focussing on preparing for marriage and not be “distracted” by education and careers.
so it’s ok for your dd to follow her own path, but yet you berate other women for working and insist sahm is the only path in life for women.
the more you post the more you’re contradicting yourself.
you have no idea whether they will see marriage as only positive based on your model. Your daughter may be looking at you at home and thinking fuck no, I want to be an artist/doctor/yoga teacher and not be tied to the home and kids all day every day.
you judge those of us who don’t think our sahm’s did the best job, yet have no idea how your children will view your choices.
Quoting Mustbethat
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal ·
30/07/2025 10:17
If you spent a day with my beautiful, confident, kind, vivacious, chatty, funny, clever daughter you’d know she will of course follow her own path in life, and I will be behind her every step of the way. I am absolutely besotted with her, cannot wait to see where life takes her…
Her and my son see a husband and wife who are as in love as they were in their early twenties. Who laugh, chat, show affection publicly. A Dad who has breakfast with them every day before leaving for work, who refuses to change the location of his work or push for promotion as he rushes home in only 5 mins to have dinner, bath them, read to them and put them to bed every night. A Dad who quit his evening hobby and turned down overnight invites for the whole first year of our daughter’s life because they co-slept for the first year so I could be rested for the day ahead. A Dad who would support me working FT/PT/not at all. A Mum who has been absolutely there for them every day of their lives. A Mum and Dad who both prefer being at home, time with each other and their children to anything else life has to offer.
They will see nothing but marriage and having children as positive things. I would certainly have zero issue with either of my children taking time out to meet the needs of their future families or doing anything they need to to prioritise them.
Quoting SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal
Mustbethat ·
30/07/2025 09:47
To return to an earlier question I don’t think you answered, do you have daughters?
if so are you raising them to be good wives and mothers and discouraging them from education?
if you have sons are you giving them opportunities you aren’t offering your daughters? Because they will be future earners? Education, university, helping them make their own way in the world rather than hanging around waiting for a proposal.
so far all you’ve talked about is your point of view and how being a sahm makes you so wonderful. Have you ever thought how it may impact your children being raised in such a trad household? What if your girls don’t want that future for themselves?
I listened to a radio talk show a while back where a woman phoned in because since her divorce she couldn’t understand why her son seemed to treat her with contempt. Turns out they’d had a “Trad marriage” and the son basically saw her as little more than a housekeeper, cook and clean living off his dad’s hard work. Said things like “you should be in the kitchen cooking me dinner”.
Quoting SleeplessInWherever
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal ·
30/07/2025 09:20
Plenty of SAHMs own property in their own names, have their own savings/family money, joint life insurance policies and wills. Marriage offers far more financial protection. Marriage tax benefit is great. Plenty of husbands still pay into separate savings accounts and/or pensions. Plenty of husbands are fantastic and have no intention of leaving the mother of their children penniless. Plenty of husbands save for their children. It’s all very negative!
Quoting Mustbethat
SleeplessInWherever ·
30/07/2025 09:14
I think relying on a man financially, without any of your own access to funds is at best too trusting, and at worst - idiocy.
I left my ex husband 6 years ago, moved out of our marital home and left him in it, whilst we made relative arrangements.
Had I not had my own career, (better) salary and access to my own money, I’d have been stuck. It is not a position I would ever put myself in.
My mum stayed with an abusive man (my father) because she worked 20hrs a week at minimum wage and he was the main source of reliable income, when they finally divorced - we were destitute. She taught all of us, particularly her 2 daughters, to do better and plan more sensibly.
The man being the “financial controller” of his family and being “second to God” is absolutely silly behaviour, IMO, and could mean backing yourself into a difficult, or dangerous, corner.
Quoting SleeplessInWherever
Mustbethat ·
30/07/2025 08:27
I have nothing against sahm.
but we aren’t in the 1950’s. Women cannot expect lifetime support from marriage.
so whenever these posts come up I try and warn women that if the choose to be financially dependent on a man they need to future proof, because if that man isn’t around any more they will be expected to support themselves.
so - make sure the single income can cover private pension. Make sure the single income is high enough you can save 6m to a years salary for job loss, sickness etc. make sure you have savings in your own name so you have enough of a cushion to support yourself for a year or two should that man and his income disappear.
in most cases it can’t.
the days of women being provided for indefinitely by spousal maintenance, spousal pensions etc are long gone.
@SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal took great offence at these questions earlier in the thread. But let’s keep it real, shit happens and you could easily end up a single parent supporting yourself and your kids.
it happened to our family. One undiagnosed weak heart and one day we went from a sahm and financially comfortable, to no income. Grieving kids pulled out of school, hobbies, away from friends, to live the other end of the country with grandparents.
being a sahm might be amazing. Being a single parent with no income, not so much.
Edited
Quoting SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal
SleeplessInWherever ·
30/07/2025 08:14
It’s not a career.
Careers come with pay, from an employer, our husbands aren’t our employers.
We’re not employees in our own homes.
Quoting HighLadyofTheNightCourt
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal ·
30/07/2025 08:10
I know I am a better mother for not working. It’s hard to be good or bad at something if I am physically not even there.
OP, Mumsnet is an extremely biased place against SAHMs, or even those like the poster who stated she’s happy working 16 hours. Plenty proudly stare that ‘I could never be a SAHM’ basing that on unfounded negativity, because they haven’t actually done it.
Its Important you and other women hear from those who are doing it and who really enjoy it. It’s been amazing for my bond with my children and for their happiness and development. Here’s why:
- Under 1- complete focus on attachment and bonding. No physical or mental distractions. I had complete control over how long I breastfed, no need to faff about pumping. No pressure to return to work whilst still doing night feeds and getting less sleep. Complete consistency over establishing nap routines. I could be completely responsive, watch for cues and ensure naps happened at consistent times at home, which is the most most soothing for a young baby. Trying to establish proper routines whilst changing people and places is highly disruptive.
- 1-2- such a shame to return to work and to miss out on when things start getting even more interactive! You watch your little one take their first steps, You get to feed them and watch them enjoying food (I home cooked every single thing they ate for the first 2 years. I loved researching this nutritionally and planning their meals). There are many more local things you can do together and get more out of.
- 2-3- a fantastic age! As their nap reduces to 1 after lunch, you have every morning together. You can attend an amazing variety of baby groups, go swimming, go to the park, see friends, go to soft play. These are much quieter during the week and more relaxing with only other little ones there. You can play with a much wider range of toys, puzzles, books, messy play etc and lead your child’s early education. We have spent hour after hour reading piles of books, making puzzles, playing Orchard board games. You can potty train very quickly and easily, because you can ensure the routine is the same. My children’s Nursery teachers actually commented to me that they wish every 3 year old had had the start mine had, said they can tell you do so much with them as their speech is so advanced and they have so many basic skills that children unfortunately now lack, e.g. colouring, using scissors, opening glue sticks, washing their hands, etc. School staff are noticing the detrimental effects of basic skills no longer being taught in the home.
- 3-4- 3 hours of Nursery now comes into its own. Your child is ready to start making their own friends and having some different adventures! You still get to eat lunch together every day (when they share everything about their morning, you listen and learn so much), then spend the afternoon doing whatever you enjoy together. You can ensure your child has quiet time and a rest, as they can be tired initially from Nursery. If your child is ill, you never have to feel stressed or worrying about rearranging your own work, your focus is entirely on nurturing your own child back to full health.
- School- you know all of their friends and parents because you are always on the school run. You know the staff really well. You can instantly deal with any issues. You can volunteer and get invited on all the trips. Your child will never sit alone watching other children showing their Mums their work because you will attend every event. You can do your child’s reading straight after school if they are tired during Reception. You can say yes to play dates and extra-curricular on any day of the week.
Being a SAHM is amazing! I’ve studied and worked, but this is the most amazing thing I have ever done. It involves hard work, research, trial and error, not delegating, being imaginative and creative, being accountable, setting your own goals, really getting to know your own children and following their own talents and interests. It’s the ultimate career.
Quoting SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal
HighLadyofTheNightCourt ·
30/07/2025 07:40
The point many of us are making is that you can prioritise your family, your home, volunteer and contribute to your community AND work. They’re not mutually exclusive.
Opting to be a traditional wife doesn’t make you a better wife or mother. The air of superiority is grating.
However, I do find this harking back to past bizarre and think you’re viewing it through rose tinted glasses. You have a daughter, why would you want to return to a time where marital rape was legal, where women were forced to give up jobs (those they could access) and have no financial independence. It wasn’t the utopia you think it was.
Quoting Mustbethat
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal ·
29/07/2025 22:21
Obviously not. I was making the point that life there is so beyond the realm of what we can imagine here in the UK (with the exception of covid actually, when parks were initially shut).
This is one of those which really annoys traditional wives. It is very extreme to assume that a wife who prioritised her husband, children and home wants us all to live like Afghanistan currently is. How utterly ridiculous.
How many traditional wives do you actually speak to in real life? We are fans of leaving our houses as and when we choose, talking in public, driving cars, reading books, etc. Many of the ‘opting out’ ones are very highly educated. Many are involved in very well respected voluntary community roles, eg school governors, volunteering for Cruse/Samaritans, etc. They have time to give to these influential roles within their communities. They don’t actually ‘stay at home’ all day, whereas women in Afghanistan are pretty much forbidden to leave their homes without a male chaperone.
To be crystal clear- other countries must do all they can to help these women! It is a desperate situation with zero choice.
Quoting SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal
Mustbethat ·
29/07/2025 13:31
Oh I’m sure if Afghanistan women could take their kids to the park all would be right with their world.
if that’s all you think is wrong…
Quoting Mustbethat
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal ·
29/07/2025 12:46
That’s a very extreme example. I hope we can all agree that no woman would want to live in Afghanistan right now. It would certainly be a horrendous existence for SAHMs, given that they would be forbidden from taking their children to the park, swim, read to them even. We absolutely need to more to help and I would actually love to hear any ideas anyone here has about what to do next…
Quoting HighLadyofTheNightCourt
Mustbethat ·
29/07/2025 12:21
And completely misses the point of my post 😂
to put it bluntly, the qualities this poster is looking for in a society- females with no access to education as it’s a waste of time, women not being allowed to work, the focus on marriage and babies, backed by religion.
somewhere like Afghanistan perhaps? All the morally corrupt professional women have been forced to stop work and are now at home looking after the men and babies. 28% of women are married under the age of 18, and can crack on with their traditional lives. No evil institutional nurseries, as she wants.
pretty much what @SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal has described as an ideal.
Edited
Quoting SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal
HighLadyofTheNightCourt ·
29/07/2025 11:58
What does that have to do with working mothers?
Quoting Mustbethat
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal ·
29/07/2025 11:54
The more money and career obsessed the UK comes (just like America, where mothers have the worst maternity rights in the world- diabolical place) then yeah, I would look elsewhere to be honest.
I’m absolutely keeping home schooling on the table as an option as well. I will certainly be making it crystal clear when visiting prospective secondary schools that the moment any male with meat and 2 veg tries to share a changing room or bathroom with my daughter then that is the moment she will not be setting foot in such a place. Thankfully the law is now finally backing common sense on such issues, and about time.
Quoting HighLadyofTheNightCourt
Mustbethat ·
29/07/2025 11:00
when you put it like that one country springs to mind where women can’t work, cannot access education and get “sidetracked” stopping them focusing on true women’s work- husbands and babies. They also have young marriage ages so women can’t crack on with the above.
they say it’s in the name of god as well.
if the uk is so morally corrupt, have you thought about moving somewhere like the above that seems to fit your ideal?
eta last paragraph not aimed at you @HighLadyofTheNightCourt
Edited
Quoting SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal
HighLadyofTheNightCourt ·
29/07/2025 10:53
Are you saying you advocate the closing of nurseries? Even though this restricts the choices of women and is a sector that employs predominantly women.
If women were removed from the labour market due to the lack of childcare options then who will teach in our schools? Who will replace the medical professionals who work in roles that are female dominated? Who will teach in our universities? Keep the retail and hospitality sector going? Who will work as carers?
Quoting Parker231
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal ·
29/07/2025 10:43
It’s not 1984, you can get my opinion deleted but you absolutely can’t stop me thinking it, as so many, many others (including Mums who do work). Thankfully many are going financially bust and shutting.
Quoting SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal
Parker231 ·
29/07/2025 10:08
There was zero truth in your post and you seem to have huge difficulties in accepting that we all don’t want to live your life
Quoting Parker231
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal ·
29/07/2025 10:06
It’s still absolutely true though.
Quoting HighLadyofTheNightCourt
Parker231 ·
29/07/2025 09:58
I reported the post - it was been removed
Quoting SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal
HighLadyofTheNightCourt ·
29/07/2025 09:49
Disgusting comment. Call yourself a Christian?
Your true colours are shining bright for everyone to see. What an awful person you are.
This reply has been deleted
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Quoting SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal
SouthLondonMum22 ·
29/07/2025 09:19
Of course people are going to respond to you, especially when you claim things that simply aren’t true for everyone which is how it started.
You have no idea if OP would or wouldn’t regret becoming a SAHM or if she would even want to be one in the first place yet claimed she wouldn’t regret it.
You don’t which is fine but people, including women, are different.
Quoting Parker231
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal ·
29/07/2025 09:15
Literally proving my point. Has to jump on any comment- this poster does it all the time 😂
Quoting SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal
Parker231 ·
29/07/2025 09:02
I’ve never felt work was an oppressive obsession - I enjoyed it and financially it enabled me to retire very early and start a new exciting phase of life
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal ·
29/07/2025 09:00
There’s definitely no point discussing this any further, nothing new to say. I’m extremely bored now, and do have family plans all day 👌🏻
OP: I went back 0 hours, that is absolutely still an option, even though everyone on here will gang up and shout you down for saying that. I don’t care. You can absolutely still choose to pour all of your time, talents and energies into your own home, spouse and children. Schools, the media and wider society no longer present that as an option, but many still opt out of the oppressive obsession with working and outsourcing family life.
Good luck with your decision!